Has caregiving affected your relationship with your spouse or significant other?

Hi,

My marriage ended in divorce after my Dad was diagnosed suddendly with a brain tumor, and I was pregnant with my first child. My husband , I believe felt put on the back burner and he didn't have the patience to wait for the outcome, which ended 6mths later with my Dad passing away.

It turned out I was married to a very selfish person , when I needed him the most to help me get through the death of my Dad and the birth of our daughter, it seems he couldn't handle either one because it wasn't about "him anymore".

I would be curious to hear other stories and how others situations turned out.

Thanks

I am only caregiving once a week, but have already noticed the emotional ripples in my marriage. My very caring and patient husband, who never provided care to an elder parent, pushed for results as if we could fix this and life would go on as it was.  He also wanted me to have a game plan  I had a talk with my husband that pointed out that I was putting enough pressure on myself to try and resolve what would never be resolved but would evolve with time perhaps to a full time care situation . I thanked him for his financial support and that as my Mom's life progressed  I would need more and more of his compassion and that fun had to be a part of our game plan. The author of the article is right. Communication is the key and knowing how to express your fears, anger and needs constructively is the cornerstone of any marriage. I know moving forward that I will have to be aware of my needs and be sure to take care of me first, my marriage next and my Mom last. She is important but no so much that I would sacrifice my future.

I wish there was a quick fix for this situation.  Marriage is though enough without taking responsibility of my mother-in-law.  I guess it is the anger I feel for feeling angry(if that makes any sense).

gwenleeOK

How about when you are the care giver for your spouse - as I am? It has turned our relationship upside down. My husband is in early progressive dementia from a brain injury. I am also his Guardian and he is also legally mentally incompetent. He resents not having control of his bank account, business, right to travel, etc. When the one being cared for and the one doing the caregiving are married, the stresses are huge. We do not have access to outside help, so he sees my face too often and resents that I now make the decisions. Lately he is asking for a divorce. I am afraid he will wind up with a one way ticket into  a nursing home run by the State and will realize too late what he has done.

It is hard to focus on the fact that these are not rational people.  That is why we had been given the opportunity to care for them. (Yeah, right).  I am caring for mother-in-law whom I had only met twice before I started bathing, dressing,ect. 

My husband is a truck driver and is perfectly happy with this arrangement.  We have argued more since she came than the whole time we have been married.

I had a handicap child for 35 years which required 24/7 attention and she died two years ago and here I am again. 

Every time I say negative things my husband just tells me to leave; but why should I have to leave my home?

I have already buried may parents and now this!

I lost my mom a year ago.  She had lived with my wife and me (and our 3 children) for 5 years.  In 18 years of marriage, I can assure you, this living arrangement resulted in our most heated arguments.  Unlike the anonymous poster above whose husband is a truck driver and may be on the road a lot, I was home most evenings after work and shared the responsibilities of caring for my mom.  My mom's reason for moving in with us was financial and she needed limited care until the last 4 months of her life.  At that time, I had taken an early retirement and was able to be her fulltime care giver with the help of Hospice.

My wife's greatest struggles were with having another adult in the house and her loss of privacy.  When my mom moved in, our youngest child had just started school and my wife was enjoying the freedom of having the house to herself and the day free for her own schedule.

Our arguments generally came down to two issues.  1) My wife felt the time I spent with my mom being a son took away from my time being a husband and a dad and she admitted, she felt jealous.  2)  Since we had discussed the living arrangments before I moved my mom in with us and my wife had been in agreement and supportive, I would get angry at her when she expressed any resentment or jealousy towards my mom.  I know my anger was as unjustified as her jealousy, but since we are both humans, the emotions were very real and felt justified to each of us.

In spite of our disagreements, my wife and I both agree having my mom live with us for 5 years was a life changing (for the better) experience for both us and our kids.  Additionally, we know my mom's last five years were enjoyable and comfortable.  She experienced many new things and remained young and vibrant, although in her 80's, due to the constant chaos and change that is the norm for a family with 3 kids.

Although at times it was a challenge, I am convinced our marriage is stronger now in part to dealing with the emotional issues of caring for my mom.  It forced us to deal with our core values and beliefs.

I realize I am fortunate to have such a supportive wife and that since it was my mom, I"m sure I can't relate to the experiences of women caregivers providing care for their mothers-in-law.  However, my hope for you is that you find satisfaction simply in providing care for another human being and that someday your husband recognizes what a true gem he is married to.

It sounds like you all can over come almost anything. May God keep your family strong. Bravo!

My husand and I moved in with his Mother in July, 2009. She was dx'd with parkinsons disease with dementia, and NPH (normal pressure hydrocephelous.), Her 75 yr old husband was her primary caregiver, up until he suddenly passed way (we think from the stress of it all)leaving a very confused,unabe to care for herself woman all alone. She had fallen and was hospitalized for about 10 days, and then went to a health care/rehab center for a month.

When she came home, she was doing OK...but not great. She was confused all the time, incontinent, with both urine and bowel, and very unsteady on her feet. She went from walking on her own, to almost being wheelchair bound all the time. She did have PT and speech therapy, but she got so bad they couldn't really help.

My husbands family offered for us to move back here to Florida from NY state to "help" take care of her. We had plans to move back in the fall anyway, but live in a different town, near my 2 grown sons, one of which will be a father in MARCH. My 1st grandbaby! The offer was we live here rent free, and they would pay me to stay home and care for her, even though I could be making alot more money working outside the home and only 40 hours a week, instead of the 6, 12 hour days tha I do now. I figured up my pay doing this and it comes to something like .70cents an hour!. My husban found a job driving a truck, but at least he is home every nigt, and msost weekends.

I have never done caregiving before except to raise my children. Its VERY hard on me. My sister-in-law comes every weekend ( a 2 hour drive one way)and stays with her mom all day saturday and half a day Sunday. She is the only supportive member of this family with her TIME. There is another son and his wife, but they aren't around much, as they always have "plans".

MIL recently had a VP shunt placed in her brain to drain excess fluid as it builds up. She was doing great, but then she went right back to being confused, couldn't walk, etc. The Neurosurgeon adjusted the shunt last Friday and she is coming around better. She does use the toilet now, (most of the time), she can walk and talk again, but can't find words and loses her train of thought. She is also easily distracted. We have home health coming back with PT, OT and speech therapy. They think they can work with her now, and improve her quality of life.

The biggest problem I have is communication with hubby. He doesn't seem to understand what a toll this is taking on me. I always worked outside the home, and made decent money. I always had friends around to go to lunc or a movie with. Now it seems I never get out of the house, unless its Saturday and by then I'm worn out and can't enjoy myself, because I'm so tired! He also doesn't understand how har it is to shift gars from caregiver to being intimate at night. I have tried to tell him I need an hour or two after she goes to bed( at 8 pm) to be able to wind down, and relax first. He thinks I shuld be able to make the lap from putting her to bed, to jumping in bed with him.

Maybe if he asked me how I was, or how my day went..anything! He comes in from work, expects dinner to be cooking or ready, and then goes and sits in his recliner and falls asleep for the evening. We are not older. I am 47, and he's 45! I tell him over and over, I would like to just get away for a weekend and recharge! I did go and spend 1 weekend with my oldest son, for his birthday and had a very relaxing, fun time. My husband chose to stay home and help his sister with his mother.

Am I beig selfish to feel this way? I would do this for my own mother in a heartbeat, and hubby's Mom really is the sweetest lady to care for. Its just such hard work. I have to wash her sheets everyday, she pees the bed each nght, and yes she dos wear depends and pads, but the bed is sill wet!

I also have to shower her, dress her, wash her face and clean her dentures (when I can get them out of her mouth). I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.. I just feel like a slave around here, and hubby doesn't listen! When he does, he hnags is head and cries that his Mom is so bad, and he has a hard time handling that. Well...I wishhe would hav OLD me that before we moved here! That has to be my biggest complaint. Its HIS Mom, and he just doesn't get it. The only other alternative we have right now is if his sister were to quit her job, lose her benefits and probably HER marriage if she had to take care of her Mom right now. He husband alredy gets irritated when she comes here every weekend. He doesn't come with her either, to support her or spend some time with her...I love my husband, I just want him to be more supportive and take on more responsibility for his own mother. I am seriousy considering counseling for myself, there are no support groups that I know of in my area. I am on full burnout, and any advice would be wonderful! Sorry this is so long. It turned into a rant, LOL! Laurie

Hi Laurie, I hope my words can comfort you a little. You are balancing a lot right now and you are asking how much of what you are doing is really your responsibilty. You might be wondering if you are really appreciated for all your hard work. You sacrifice so much and sometimes don't see any rewards. Laurie, sometimes we give so much that we blindly neglect to care for ourselves. Look inside you and pat yourself on the shoulder. You are an awesome individual who has taken on the job of mother, doctor, caregiver, and so much more. Being so powerful you sometimes feel drained. That's normal. As for not getting support from others, well at least you have done your part. Show your husband how strong you are. Tell him that we are all passing through this world and we are in journey to a better place. Laurie, you are the one who is carrying all this. Look towards your grand baby. He will be there for you. What a super grandma he has in you. God Bles you Laurie. Keep up the good fight! Lou.

Laurie; I don't know what to say, except at some point you must realize you can't continue on doing what you are doing - indefinitely -forever!.

a -All of us can take on a few more mild responsibilities in life, and probably continue to fulfill them for the rest of our lives. or b - Most of us can assume 'super-human' responsibilities - for a short time, because adrenaline kicks in during a crisis.

But, ------ none of us can do what you are doing - trying to combine the "forever" of "a", with the "super-human" of "b"

Even a car engine cannot run flat out as fast as it can go, without breaking down. Neither can you. For most of us , especially those of us who are accustomed to balancing a family and a job, etc., - Care Giving is the very first time, we run straight into the wall of our human limitations! Even a regular job is 8 hrs a day, 5 days a week. As you point out, a regular job also has it's rewards, both financial and social. More importantly, it doesn't consume every hour of your life. Even the medical staff at a hospital doesn't work 24/7 shifts like you do, - they'd kill themselves if they did. If professional medical can't do it, why do we think a home Care Giver can???

I wish I had a solution for you Laurie. I don't. After 2 yrs of caring for my disabled husband at home, I'm just at the stage of realizing my limitations and wondering what my options are. I respectfully disagree with Loupad who is telling you to 'show your husband how strong you are'(ugghh), what a 'super grandma' you are, and to 'keep up the good fight'. If anything, you must show your husband how WEAK you are and that you are not SUPER, and you are running out of the ability to to keep up the good fight. Being human with human limitations doesn't mean you don't deserve a Pat on the back, or that you should not be proud of yourself for doing your part. You do and should.

The tradition in all human cultures has been for the well to care for the sick, and the younger to care for the elderly, as they age. It has been part of our social contracts for thousands of years.And, I believe, that's how it should be. However, the level of Home Care now being expected of family members today is far beyond what people did in the past, or do in other countries. Medical arts/science, now keep people alive after accidents/illnesses that would have killed them just a generation ago. Medicine has leaped forwards but American society has not kept up with the change. Not only AREN"T we funding the resources for Caring when these people return home, but we are in the process of actually CUTTING BACK on Medicaid and community support services! Society and community support services are NOT keeping up. American society spends Millions $$ on Trauma, Critical Care units, Skilled facilities, etc - but then gives little thought to where these people will go and how they will be cared for when they are finally discharged. And, when they return home, they are a lot sicker than family members were a generation ago. Our State has just eliminated LTC Medicaid pay for Intermediate Nursing Home care - categories of people who previously qualified.

I have cared for my 57 yr old husband at home for 2 yrs while we waited the 2 yrs 5 mos for Disability Medicare to pay for his medical needs. He was recently hospitalized with a stroke, was discharged to a skilled facility, (thank God his Medicare coverage had just begun), and now the skilled facility is making plans to discharge him. His 100 days of Medicare coverage is soon to expire. He has traumatic brain injury induced Alzheimer's/Dementia (mid level)and type 2 diabetes. He is a "wanderer", cannot make safe choices, needs help with his grooming/bathing, dangerous when angered, on 1/2 dozen medications. All his doctors have said he will be a danger to himself and me if he returns home. He needs intermediate long term care - which used to be covered by State Medicaid. Our family lives hundreds of miles away in other States. My choices are to put him in an assisted living which will be a danger to him because of his compromised mental abilities, and lose our home because his SSDI check will go to the facility,-- or take him home where we will not be safe, but we will keep our income and our home. These cut backs in our State Medicaid LTC qualifications are so new that most people are still not aware. So, - Laurie. Yes, you are in full burn out. I don't have a solution for you, but remember that before you can find a solution, one must first recognize and accept that there is a PROBLEM. And, finding the solution to the problem should not be your responsibility alone.

This survey provides definite evidence the strain and turmoil that can be caused by caregiving for loved ones. Perhaps it is best to delegate caregiving to an outside agecny.

My husband and I moved 4 years ago to take care of his Dad who is now 96.

I moved about 3 hours away from my children and grandchildren, which at the time, was what I thought was the best thing so he could stay at home.

We both work full time and it now seems like he needs more help, but my sister-in-law, who is an RN and visits him every other week, thinks everything is just fine and is afraid that if she suggests a nursing home or assisted living facility, they will take away his assets.

He doesn't have anything but his checking and savings account which total about $5000.00 He signed the farm over to us in 1997.

My husband and I have a very hard time seeing eye to eye about what should be done. We do both agree that it will be hard to suggest to my FIL that we need to think about a different living situation for him. My husband is relying on his sister to suggest this to him, which, she won't because she has "a blind eye" when it comes to her Dad. She also thinks that she takes "care of him" when she comes to visit.

We have no time to ourselves! His sister never asks if she could pick up our Dad to let us have some time by ourselves. She is not talking to either of us. She hasn't for about 1 year. I don't think she thinks that we do anything right for him. This has all been taking a toll on our marriage. Anytime I mention being frustrated about the way things are, my husband clams up and doesn't want to talk about it. All he says is that there is nothing that he can do.

Hello Everyone, My husband and I moved in with my grandfather 6 years ago, after my grandmother died. Everyone said they'd help, but no one has. An aunt comes once a month, maybe and it's usually a brief day trip. We've only been married now 9 years and already alot of the time I am ready for a divorce! We definetly feel the strain of no privacy, no help and someone's in our buisness all of the time. He's been real good, usually helpful. But grandpa usually only wants me to do for him. Oh, did I mention that my grandfather and I are Mexican-American? Which I feels only adds to the issues! He's your typical "Mr. Macho", who is demanding and his sense of entitlement is off the charts! I, myself have never given in to these traits. But now it seems I have no choice! Grandpa is 97 and very set in his ways! Being here has put a dramatic strain on our pocket book too. I can't work, so only one income! How will we ever save to move on our own....someday.....I've gone to college and had a career, now I have nothing! This situation has taken all of the life out of me and I basically am not much fun to be around. I know I couldn't have made it this far without my husband, he's been my rock. But more and more he goes and does things without me, because we don't have someone to sit with my grandfather. And when we are home together, I have to be jumping up and down to cater to his every call! To top it all off, Grandpa doesn't appreciate anything. He complains and criticizes and is so overall negative about everything, it feels like 'why do I even bother?'. But let another relative come visit on those very rare occasions (not holidays) and you would think he's a different person, so full of fun and laughter and made up stories about what 'we' didn't do right etc.... all to get their attention. He doesn't care how it makes us appear in those that he's talking to eyes. I don't know what to do...I just wish it would all be over or that someone else would step in and relieve me. The worst part is that he and the relatives know that I wouldn't ever leave him alone, I just couldn't do that. So, life goes on full of guilt for feeling like this and too tired and worn out to do anything else..

BellaBaby; Read my post from a month ago. In my case, I am married to the person I Care give for. Care giving changed our marital roles. Your role with your husband has changed because you give your attention, energy,time, and even money to care for your grandfather. Where are your parent (grandfather's children) in all this? Why aren't they participating? Do they assume that they have no responsibility because you are living in grandpa's house rent free? I and other care givers on this site have found that other family members just don't participate. If your State is like ours, Community support systems are almost non existant. See if your grandfather can qualify for Medicaid and or SSI. If his income is low, he should. Poverty baed Medicaid programs and SSI are not based on having had a work history - just in case he worked most of his life out of the USA. If he qualifies for State Medicaid/SSI he will get a monthly check, and in home caregivers will be provided - so you and your hubby can have a life again. The official poverty level changes every year and you don't say if he has an income that will put him over the poverty limit (and not qualify). We can't get Medicaid because my hubby gets a SSDI monthly check based on his work history and every year it puts us about one -two hundred $$$ over the cap. If you're worried about Medicaid taking the house, you may qualify for a special program that allows a family care giver who has provided care over 2 years, to not be forced to forfeit the house upon grandpa's death. This program is usually for spouses and children, but you may qualify. Have you and your husband been promised the house in exchange for caring for grandpa? From the sound of your letter, you and your marriage may not survive long enough to enjoy it.

It was very difficult to balance my job , my personal life and take care of my 60 year old wife that has early onset Alzheimer. She was diagnosed 6 years ago and 4 months ago I had to place her in a nursing home. I just could not do it anymore. I know she is save now while I am at work, she has 24/7 care, and even though I see her every day, I still feel guilt and anger at my self because I feel like I have left her down.
I do still love her, but the love seems so different now. I feel quilty if I talk to another women, but I do need friendship and companionship as it is very hard now to carry on conversation with my spouse and I feel really lonely sometimes. Just need to talk once in awhile.

I am also caring for a spouse. My husband was diagnosed with a rare, aggressive form of bladder cancer four months ago. Since then we've been through intense chemotherapy, surgeries, and he now has a urostomy (bag, to put it indelicately) and is looking forward to more chemo and possible radiation therapy. After all he's been through, and all he will go through, his oncologist tells us he can't say that my husband is cured. The cancer has a very high rate of recurrence.

My husband has always had a negative attitude about almost everything, and my positive attitude has more or less balanced him out. We could even laugh about that. But I find the stress of caregiving, combined with my unemployed status (I was downsized almost 2 years ago and have not found employment but am getting some freelance work now), has made the situation nearly intolerable. Hubby is self-employed, so when he got sick and started treatment, we lost his income. My freelance income has been slight, but is at least improving. Due to our income losses and mounting medical bills (we have insurance, but it's high-premium/high-deductible) we are now heavily in debt and in danger of losing our home. So put that on top of cancer, negativity and caregiving.

He is an "old school" man who believes men do men's work and women do women's work (even if they're also bringing home the bacon)--and when he can't do "men's work" he does nothing at all. So I was under strain before the cancer diagnosis, and now I am so stressed out that I have sometimes thought I just can't handle this.

Caring for elderly parents is difficult--we've dealt with the illness and loss of his father and putting his mother in assisted living, and that was very hard too. But one month after burying his father, we got my husband's cancer diagnosis. Caring for a spouse, especially when that spouse has a negative attitude and seems to blame the caregiver for everything, and there are financial problems, is so incredibly stressful, I wish this Web site would focus more on that aspect of caregiving. When you're caring for a sick, elderly parent, you don't have to feel guilty wishing God would take them. But when it's your spouse, the guilt of feeling that way combines with the stress of caregiving to make life feel nearly intolerable.

I'm caring for a spouse who has terminal colon cancer and find my situation is very different from caring for parents. When we were caring for them, we had each other for assistance and support. Neither of us had to "do it all". Plus, it didn't have a noticeable effect on our income.

With my husband ill and now unable to do just about anything means that I must do it ALL. caregiving, housework, meals, exterior maintenance, finances, etc. AND we've lost his income and my income. fortunately we have some retirement money but when he's gone I'll be left with little. plus having lost years of my own income.

And during this time I've had to drop all of my outside involvement since I cannot plan on anything. Any time I try to plan something, there's another medical crisis.

I'm frankly overtired and starting to get angry as this drags on and on. And I can't find any local support group of people who are caregivers for their spouses. There are all kinds of groups for those with the disease, or caregivers of people with Alzheimers, etc. So I get really lonely.

I just didn't find the article related to much of what I'm going through.

I do attend regular Alzheimers meeting, but no one has a spouse that is 60 years old that has it, they are all caring for parents that are in their eighties or so. A lot of people have no idea what we go thru as caregivers and the financial burdens, as there is not a whole lot of help advailable if you have not reached retirement age yet. It seems a lot of people, family included, will abandon you when you really need them especially with Alzhheimers. I quess it is fear more than anything, but to watch your spouse die a little more every day is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I have a 21 year old daughter which has been my main support and I could not do with out her. This desease I would not want anyone to get. It is a slow goodbye and takes a lot to handle the stress of not knowing and not knowing what to plan for the future. Anger, fear, quilt, embarrassment,and loneliness is on my mind all the time . I just have to keep going and talking to others like you make it much easier.

I know a little of what you're going through because a very close friend who lives nearby has been going through this with her husband who was diagnosed at 52. She care for him at home for nearly 10 years, which meant she had no life. He's now been in a facility for 4 years. We watched and tried to help as best we could, but there are so many things that occur in the privacy of a marriage with caretaking that I don't think any outsider really understands or can help with. Some of their friends became distant, probably because they couldn't deal with the changes the disease made to him. And perhaps they were fearful that they didn't know the right things to say or do. All I know is that it was hurtful to her when she most needed friendship and support.

There was little we could do to help, but we helped with some house maintenance things, computer problems (we're computer nerds), and we always remembered to include her/them in community outings (spaghetti suppers, 4th of July concert, etc.). We still have the tradition of going out to dinner on Saturday nights. It used to be the 4 of us, then it became the 3 of us, and now it's becoming just the 2 of us. And she's in this limbo of not being single, not being married, and not being widowed. She can't participate in couples groups or singles groups. At least now that her husband is in a facility, she has some time for herself and she and I can go out on Saturday night and vent with each other. It really helps. She has Alzheimer's support groups but there aren't any support groups here for caregivers of spouses with terminal cancer (or even chronic diseases).

Yes I agree that now that my wife is in a nursing home I also do have more time for myself, but I am not single, not widowed, and married to someone that does not know me anymore or even know when I visit her. I think it is a different kind of love, more like love you would have for one of your children or grandchildren. I don't know, its just hard to discribe what I feel. I still love her dearly, but it is a different kind of love now. Like my daughter said, she lost her mom 6 years ago. Thanks for listening.

My 83 year old widowed mother has dimentia, but still lives alone. Until recently had been very independent but is now in the hospital with a stomach obstruction. My husband is an only child and together we looked after his elderly parents in their own home (with limited help)off and on, for 18 years.
I realize it would not be possible to move Mom in with us; as he resents any attention I give to her. And even though the majority of disagreements we have experienced in our nearly 40 years of marriage have been related to my relationship with my family - I will continue trying to oversee my mother's needs.
My heart goes out to anyone dealing with a selfish compassionless spouse. I can accept the stress of dealing with Mom's illness (it's a Labor of Love), but when he objects - it causes me extreme distress. Instead of being supportive of my situation, his attitude compounds it. Dealing with her is not as difficult as dealing with him.
Let me encourage caregivers who are in a similar situation. I will endure and so can you. I know that is is only with the grace of God that I have been able to withstand. He gives me inner strength and love and compassion and hope.

Yes, it has. We haven't had any alone time in the house since MIL moved in. Most of our conversations are about her now, about her medical needs, her emotional needs, what she will and won't eat, how to get her to socialize and entertain herself...

We don't have family help, getting anyone in the family to come see her is like asking for the moon and stars.

As the daughter in law, I am desperately trying to understand what DH and MIL are going through and be compassionate and helpful and make her life as good as possible. But a part of me is upset that the rest of her family gets to have a great life, keep their marriage, have their privacy, and get to go on with their family relationships up there like nothing ever happened, like they're pretending MIL doesn't exist anymore. I'm jealous because I want my marriage back. I want to have my husband without having to deal with a third party who is there all the time.

I hear you, loud and clear.

You will probably want to think about establishing some boundaries for yourself and see if your husband wants to establish some boundaries for himself.

Perhaps notifying other family members of what "tasks" or "days" they've been assigned to help her, do things with her, pick her up for the day, take her to medical appointments, etc.

In this kind of situation, unless you establish those boundaries for yourself, you'll probably be taken advantage of and there will be little or no appreciation for what you do. When others have some "skin in the game", they start to realize how much work is involved and are grateful for what you do (because they don't have to do it).

Seriously, think about this and figure out what might work for you to draw some boundaries. IT CAN SAVE YOUR SANITY AND YOUR MARRIAGE.

My 53 yr old husband was diagonosed w colon cancer 3 years ago. The stress on my family, marriage, relationships has been incredible. Been through 5 surgeries, husband thinks I have done nothing (we have 2 chidren 1 went to college, which I handled and 1 in middle school).

Constantly making sure he had the right meals, there for every surgery, all the chemo and radiation, run household, finances, daily life for chidren with no support from anyone. Bottom line, stress was so much on marriage, he needed a break and moved in with his mother (who is a narcissist). He has been babied with no responsibility his entire life. Now the cancer gives him rights to even more "entitlement". Don't get me wrong I totally empathize with this man's condition but I have been NOTHING BUT SUPPORTIVE while trying to maintain my families sanity while leaving me for last. That had to change because it was making me sick and I know I need to be there for the chidren should something happen.

Husband is at our house 1/2 time and 1/2 time at mothers still being babied. (There was colon cancer in his family and she NEVER told anyone so I am sure there is some guilt). I have been to counseling, he won't go says cancer does not affect anyone but him. Our youngest son cannot respect his father who moved in w his mother telling our children it was temporary and he needed a break that it was too much on us. I am in limbo....can't have a marriage because he is not here enough, can't be singe because we aren't, afraid to divorce him (don't know if I could handle it if something happened to him, i.e, funeral, how kids would react.) In the meantime I am trying to get my life back on track (I gave up career for his, he is a Sr. VP). Because I do not know how much more I can take of this. Tell me, how long should one sit in limbo with a husband who is still not back with his family and has told his mother he doesnt know how much time he has but he is going to do what he wants. Any time I discuss it with him he says "not tonight". He is working by the way in a high stress job. So if he has time to be a career man, he should have time for his family and not only when it works for him.

Sorry to go on, but any sane responses would help. Because I am ready to call it quits. (We have been married 23 years).