Hi,

My marriage ended in divorce after my Dad was diagnosed suddendly with a brain tumor, and I was pregnant with my first child. My husband , I believe felt put on the back burner and he didn't have the patience to wait for the outcome, which ended 6mths later with my Dad passing away.

It turned out I was married to a very selfish person , when I needed him the most to help me get through the death of my Dad and the birth of our daughter, it seems he couldn't handle either one because it wasn't about "him anymore".

I would be curious to hear other stories and how others situations turned out.

Thanks

I am only caregiving once a week, but have already noticed the emotional ripples in my marriage. My very caring and patient husband, who never provided care to an elder parent, pushed for results as if we could fix this and life would go on as it was.  He also wanted me to have a game plan  I had a talk with my husband that pointed out that I was putting enough pressure on myself to try and resolve what would never be resolved but would evolve with time perhaps to a full time care situation . I thanked him for his financial support and that as my Mom's life progressed  I would need more and more of his compassion and that fun had to be a part of our game plan. The author of the article is right. Communication is the key and knowing how to express your fears, anger and needs constructively is the cornerstone of any marriage. I know moving forward that I will have to be aware of my needs and be sure to take care of me first, my marriage next and my Mom last. She is important but no so much that I would sacrifice my future.

I wish there was a quick fix for this situation.  Marriage is though enough without taking responsibility of my mother-in-law.  I guess it is the anger I feel for feeling angry(if that makes any sense).

gwenleeOK

How about when you are the care giver for your spouse - as I am? It has turned our relationship upside down. My husband is in early progressive dementia from a brain injury. I am also his Guardian and he is also legally mentally incompetent. He resents not having control of his bank account, business, right to travel, etc. When the one being cared for and the one doing the caregiving are married, the stresses are huge. We do not have access to outside help, so he sees my face too often and resents that I now make the decisions. Lately he is asking for a divorce. I am afraid he will wind up with a one way ticket into  a nursing home run by the State and will realize too late what he has done.

It is hard to focus on the fact that these are not rational people.  That is why we had been given the opportunity to care for them. (Yeah, right).  I am caring for mother-in-law whom I had only met twice before I started bathing, dressing,ect. 

My husband is a truck driver and is perfectly happy with this arrangement.  We have argued more since she came than the whole time we have been married.

I had a handicap child for 35 years which required 24/7 attention and she died two years ago and here I am again. 

Every time I say negative things my husband just tells me to leave; but why should I have to leave my home?

I have already buried may parents and now this!

I lost my mom a year ago.  She had lived with my wife and me (and our 3 children) for 5 years.  In 18 years of marriage, I can assure you, this living arrangement resulted in our most heated arguments.  Unlike the anonymous poster above whose husband is a truck driver and may be on the road a lot, I was home most evenings after work and shared the responsibilities of caring for my mom.  My mom's reason for moving in with us was financial and she needed limited care until the last 4 months of her life.  At that time, I had taken an early retirement and was able to be her fulltime care giver with the help of Hospice.

My wife's greatest struggles were with having another adult in the house and her loss of privacy.  When my mom moved in, our youngest child had just started school and my wife was enjoying the freedom of having the house to herself and the day free for her own schedule.

Our arguments generally came down to two issues.  1) My wife felt the time I spent with my mom being a son took away from my time being a husband and a dad and she admitted, she felt jealous.  2)  Since we had discussed the living arrangments before I moved my mom in with us and my wife had been in agreement and supportive, I would get angry at her when she expressed any resentment or jealousy towards my mom.  I know my anger was as unjustified as her jealousy, but since we are both humans, the emotions were very real and felt justified to each of us.

In spite of our disagreements, my wife and I both agree having my mom live with us for 5 years was a life changing (for the better) experience for both us and our kids.  Additionally, we know my mom's last five years were enjoyable and comfortable.  She experienced many new things and remained young and vibrant, although in her 80's, due to the constant chaos and change that is the norm for a family with 3 kids.

Although at times it was a challenge, I am convinced our marriage is stronger now in part to dealing with the emotional issues of caring for my mom.  It forced us to deal with our core values and beliefs.

I realize I am fortunate to have such a supportive wife and that since it was my mom, I"m sure I can't relate to the experiences of women caregivers providing care for their mothers-in-law.  However, my hope for you is that you find satisfaction simply in providing care for another human being and that someday your husband recognizes what a true gem he is married to.

It sounds like you all can over come almost anything. May God keep your family strong. Bravo!

My husand and I moved in with his Mother in July, 2009. She was dx'd with parkinsons disease with dementia, and NPH (normal pressure hydrocephelous.), Her 75 yr old husband was her primary caregiver, up until he suddenly passed way (we think from the stress of it all)leaving a very confused,unabe to care for herself woman all alone. She had fallen and was hospitalized for about 10 days, and then went to a health care/rehab center for a month.

When she came home, she was doing OK...but not great. She was confused all the time, incontinent, with both urine and bowel, and very unsteady on her feet. She went from walking on her own, to almost being wheelchair bound all the time. She did have PT and speech therapy, but she got so bad they couldn't really help.

My husbands family offered for us to move back here to Florida from NY state to "help" take care of her. We had plans to move back in the fall anyway, but live in a different town, near my 2 grown sons, one of which will be a father in MARCH. My 1st grandbaby! The offer was we live here rent free, and they would pay me to stay home and care for her, even though I could be making alot more money working outside the home and only 40 hours a week, instead of the 6, 12 hour days tha I do now. I figured up my pay doing this and it comes to something like .70cents an hour!. My husban found a job driving a truck, but at least he is home every nigt, and msost weekends.

I have never done caregiving before except to raise my children. Its VERY hard on me. My sister-in-law comes every weekend ( a 2 hour drive one way)and stays with her mom all day saturday and half a day Sunday. She is the only supportive member of this family with her TIME. There is another son and his wife, but they aren't around much, as they always have "plans".

MIL recently had a VP shunt placed in her brain to drain excess fluid as it builds up. She was doing great, but then she went right back to being confused, couldn't walk, etc. The Neurosurgeon adjusted the shunt last Friday and she is coming around better. She does use the toilet now, (most of the time), she can walk and talk again, but can't find words and loses her train of thought. She is also easily distracted. We have home health coming back with PT, OT and speech therapy. They think they can work with her now, and improve her quality of life.

The biggest problem I have is communication with hubby. He doesn't seem to understand what a toll this is taking on me. I always worked outside the home, and made decent money. I always had friends around to go to lunc or a movie with. Now it seems I never get out of the house, unless its Saturday and by then I'm worn out and can't enjoy myself, because I'm so tired! He also doesn't understand how har it is to shift gars from caregiver to being intimate at night. I have tried to tell him I need an hour or two after she goes to bed( at 8 pm) to be able to wind down, and relax first. He thinks I shuld be able to make the lap from putting her to bed, to jumping in bed with him.

Maybe if he asked me how I was, or how my day went..anything! He comes in from work, expects dinner to be cooking or ready, and then goes and sits in his recliner and falls asleep for the evening. We are not older. I am 47, and he's 45! I tell him over and over, I would like to just get away for a weekend and recharge! I did go and spend 1 weekend with my oldest son, for his birthday and had a very relaxing, fun time. My husband chose to stay home and help his sister with his mother.

Am I beig selfish to feel this way? I would do this for my own mother in a heartbeat, and hubby's Mom really is the sweetest lady to care for. Its just such hard work. I have to wash her sheets everyday, she pees the bed each nght, and yes she dos wear depends and pads, but the bed is sill wet!

I also have to shower her, dress her, wash her face and clean her dentures (when I can get them out of her mouth). I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.. I just feel like a slave around here, and hubby doesn't listen! When he does, he hnags is head and cries that his Mom is so bad, and he has a hard time handling that. Well...I wishhe would hav OLD me that before we moved here! That has to be my biggest complaint. Its HIS Mom, and he just doesn't get it. The only other alternative we have right now is if his sister were to quit her job, lose her benefits and probably HER marriage if she had to take care of her Mom right now. He husband alredy gets irritated when she comes here every weekend. He doesn't come with her either, to support her or spend some time with her...I love my husband, I just want him to be more supportive and take on more responsibility for his own mother. I am seriousy considering counseling for myself, there are no support groups that I know of in my area. I am on full burnout, and any advice would be wonderful! Sorry this is so long. It turned into a rant, LOL! Laurie

Hi Laurie, I hope my words can comfort you a little. You are balancing a lot right now and you are asking how much of what you are doing is really your responsibilty. You might be wondering if you are really appreciated for all your hard work. You sacrifice so much and sometimes don't see any rewards. Laurie, sometimes we give so much that we blindly neglect to care for ourselves. Look inside you and pat yourself on the shoulder. You are an awesome individual who has taken on the job of mother, doctor, caregiver, and so much more. Being so powerful you sometimes feel drained. That's normal. As for not getting support from others, well at least you have done your part. Show your husband how strong you are. Tell him that we are all passing through this world and we are in journey to a better place. Laurie, you are the one who is carrying all this. Look towards your grand baby. He will be there for you. What a super grandma he has in you. God Bles you Laurie. Keep up the good fight! Lou.

Laurie; I don't know what to say, except at some point you must realize you can't continue on doing what you are doing - indefinitely -forever!.

a -All of us can take on a few more mild responsibilities in life, and probably continue to fulfill them for the rest of our lives. or b - Most of us can assume 'super-human' responsibilities - for a short time, because adrenaline kicks in during a crisis.

But, ------ none of us can do what you are doing - trying to combine the "forever" of "a", with the "super-human" of "b"

Even a car engine cannot run flat out as fast as it can go, without breaking down. Neither can you. For most of us , especially those of us who are accustomed to balancing a family and a job, etc., - Care Giving is the very first time, we run straight into the wall of our human limitations! Even a regular job is 8 hrs a day, 5 days a week. As you point out, a regular job also has it's rewards, both financial and social. More importantly, it doesn't consume every hour of your life. Even the medical staff at a hospital doesn't work 24/7 shifts like you do, - they'd kill themselves if they did. If professional medical can't do it, why do we think a home Care Giver can???

I wish I had a solution for you Laurie. I don't. After 2 yrs of caring for my disabled husband at home, I'm just at the stage of realizing my limitations and wondering what my options are. I respectfully disagree with Loupad who is telling you to 'show your husband how strong you are'(ugghh), what a 'super grandma' you are, and to 'keep up the good fight'. If anything, you must show your husband how WEAK you are and that you are not SUPER, and you are running out of the ability to to keep up the good fight. Being human with human limitations doesn't mean you don't deserve a Pat on the back, or that you should not be proud of yourself for doing your part. You do and should.

The tradition in all human cultures has been for the well to care for the sick, and the younger to care for the elderly, as they age. It has been part of our social contracts for thousands of years.And, I believe, that's how it should be. However, the level of Home Care now being expected of family members today is far beyond what people did in the past, or do in other countries. Medical arts/science, now keep people alive after accidents/illnesses that would have killed them just a generation ago. Medicine has leaped forwards but American society has not kept up with the change. Not only AREN"T we funding the resources for Caring when these people return home, but we are in the process of actually CUTTING BACK on Medicaid and community support services! Society and community support services are NOT keeping up. American society spends Millions $$ on Trauma, Critical Care units, Skilled facilities, etc - but then gives little thought to where these people will go and how they will be cared for when they are finally discharged. And, when they return home, they are a lot sicker than family members were a generation ago. Our State has just eliminated LTC Medicaid pay for Intermediate Nursing Home care - categories of people who previously qualified.

I have cared for my 57 yr old husband at home for 2 yrs while we waited the 2 yrs 5 mos for Disability Medicare to pay for his medical needs. He was recently hospitalized with a stroke, was discharged to a skilled facility, (thank God his Medicare coverage had just begun), and now the skilled facility is making plans to discharge him. His 100 days of Medicare coverage is soon to expire. He has traumatic brain injury induced Alzheimer's/Dementia (mid level)and type 2 diabetes. He is a "wanderer", cannot make safe choices, needs help with his grooming/bathing, dangerous when angered, on 1/2 dozen medications. All his doctors have said he will be a danger to himself and me if he returns home. He needs intermediate long term care - which used to be covered by State Medicaid. Our family lives hundreds of miles away in other States. My choices are to put him in an assisted living which will be a danger to him because of his compromised mental abilities, and lose our home because his SSDI check will go to the facility,-- or take him home where we will not be safe, but we will keep our income and our home. These cut backs in our State Medicaid LTC qualifications are so new that most people are still not aware. So, - Laurie. Yes, you are in full burn out. I don't have a solution for you, but remember that before you can find a solution, one must first recognize and accept that there is a PROBLEM. And, finding the solution to the problem should not be your responsibility alone.

This survey provides definite evidence the strain and turmoil that can be caused by caregiving for loved ones. Perhaps it is best to delegate caregiving to an outside agecny.