Hi MsBev! I'm so sorry for your situation - it's so hard to keep a positive attitude when things around you just keep beating you down, right?

Let's see. Options. One, you might find a support group or a counselor for yourself, to perhaps learn some tips on how to care for yourself better, so that you can be a better careGIVER, too, which I think you would like to be if I am reading your post correct, right?  I see you go to a care group, but I'm not sure what that is - other caregivers?

Two, how about some respite care, someone to come in for an hour or two every day or every few days, so you can take yourself off to your own room, or out to lunch alone, to get your hair done, to walk in the park - just some time for you.

And maybe, pull out some old photos or home movies and have a reminscing time with your mom. Maybe happier times will help you feel better, too.

And get some sunshine. Outside. :)

Let us know how you're faring!

LauraL

Thank you Laural...

Let me clarify a couple of things for ya..

The caregroup I attend is a spiritual one, not one related to caregiving.

I have been seeing a counselor but it was originally to deal with my own personal issues. I believe now I need to bring my caregiving-depression concerns to my next session.

As for respite care, the problem is that my mother will not go anywhere...she is very reclusive. No shopping, no resturants, not even drives to the beach. She remains in the house for most of the day. Occasionally she will go for a spin around the park in her little scooter saying hello to the nieghbors. I do get out and away for 2-4 hours at a time and she is able to take care of herself for that time, but I have absolutly no alone time in the house when I'm there. Living in a small house with my ill mom is a life style change I had no idea would have such a negative effect on me but apparantly it is becasue I left a large home that I had to myself much of the time.

I guess I had no idea how much a change like this could affect me. I know the sacrifice is paying off because the nieghbors here say they notice a positive change in my mother, as to have I and the family.

I didn't understand at first how drastic a change this all was and how caregiving of my own mom could have a negative effect on me. I appreciate a sounding board like this one and will continue to come back for feedback and advice. 

Thanks....

Hi Bev,

I have three thoughts for you.

1.  Respite care can be for several days at a time and often the caregiver can come to your home.  That would enable you to get away for more than a few hours and breathe.

2.  Ask your sister to take a turn.  Could your mom go stay with her for a period of time.  Maybe even just a month?

3.  Give some thought about whether delaying assisted living is the best thing for your and your mom's situation. 

I'll be thinking about you.  *hugs*  I'm glad you posted.  I really think you're feeling the way lots of people do, just maybe don't want to admit.  For what it's worth, I don't think it's selfish in any way.  It's valid.  You HAVE had some major life changes.  Having issues with them is natural.  Heck far smaller things throw me. 

Please keep us updated.

Hi Bev,

In the response directly above it states "you're feeling the way lots of people do" is absolutely right on.  My case just about mirrors your case.  Other than not being married, I too take care of my elderly mother who is extremely negative and critical, not going out etc....I have a brother and sister but they do not want to spend time with her because of her personality.  I too took this on to delay in sending her to assisted living and I too cry and am very depressed.  So how am I dealing with this all?  First of all I put myself in my mothers place and know that I would want family taking care of me as long as possible.  If I could not walk or remember things I too would most likely be frustrated and upset, probably not take it out on loved ones as much as my mother, but I can see why she would.  Then I pray.  I pray to my Lord and Saviour asking Him for strength, courage and patience.  I do not feel guilty because these feelings of frustration and depression are valid, but I, as well as you, know I am giving back to my mother for all the years she put up with me!  One moment at a time Bev.  Knowing that even though your mother, my mother,  may not verbalize their appreciation, in what we are doing, WE know and more improtantly God knows!

Take care of yourself,

Tess

Bev, I am going to play devils advocate here. Divorce, moving (did you move far are you even in the same town you used to be?) and the downturn in a family members life are all up there on the tectonic scale of life stress events.  I'm going to get personal here. I'm guessing that your marriage wasn't supportive for a long time, do you have girlfriends or did he cut you off from them? Do you have the finances or the skills to find a job and support yourself? You said you were living with a friend, is there someone who would take you in till you get on your feet? Taking care of your Mother is a noble undertaking but it may not be the right thing for you to do at this time in your life. Your siblings think they are doing you a favor but if you weren't in this situation where would your Mom be now. Chances are she would BE in that assisted living facility.  Does your Mom have the financial resources to afford assisted care? If she moves out of the house who will it go to? You, a trust, your siblings or the govt to pay for her care? Right now you are living in the tortured moment and I know that at both your stage of life and your Mom's its one hurdle after another but if her end of life is killing you then its a lose-lose for you both.  Maybe its time to move on and let Mom go where she needs to go. It forces the family to make tough decisions that no one wants to make but if you step down from this responsibility you need feel no guilt. Life requires tough decisions and in the end YOUR quality of life MATTERS too.!!!

Thank you Tess for your kind words and encouragement. I KNOW that if not for the love of my Lord and Savior, I would not be able to withstand the onslaught of events that have occured to me up to now..and only by His strength do I continue on.

West Sac Gal...don't think I don't understand completly everything you have written...for I do and then some. To clarify a few things....No my marriage has not been the best for many years now....I moved over 3000 miles away from my home and my husband due to his anger issues and to get a different perspective for a while...my supportive friends are all 1000's of miles away...my family totally understands that it is up to me to decide how long I care for my mom and supports me in any decision I make...my brother is executer of the estate and I am being compenstated for my time with my mom as well as room and board...I recently secured a job with Comfort Keepers part-time as a fill in when they need me to help me gain some experience in a new carreer step. My mother has enough funds left to get into a nice assisted home for a year or tow...and will have to be "Tricked" into going to assisted living for she is very very adamant about staying in her home. I have recently realized that I cannot stay here for the long term. and am not looking forward to the day when my mom will be angry at all of us for putting her in a home, but it looks as though that will happen in a few months. Caretaking her is taking a huge toll on my well-being even though I'm doing everything I can to make things work out.

Thank you both for you concern and helpful insight. I am thankful for places like this to come and get much valued support....

msbev

I couldn't agree anymore with Tess.  My narcististic brother wanted to put Mother into assisted living because he couldn't take her "I just a nervous wreck"  response to everything.   To give you an idea,  in the 1/12 years I've been taking care of mom, by brother has been here (20 mins. away) 3 times.  I packed up and moved from the place I've dreamed of living my whole life, in the Moountains, in the woods, on the river, no neighbors, 5 acres of perfect yard and gardens and trees etc.  Heaven on earth to the city of Renton.  That alone was enough to cause severe depression, which I already suffer from, along with severe bone disease.  I tell you this because they only way I could do this is and survive is by my faith.  i believe this is my purpose and what a gift to know that God loves me  so much he's given me the opportunity to serve him in the way he so desiresl.  Don't get me wrong , taking care of my mother is the hardest thing I've ever done.

I don't wake up in the morning all happy and ready to go.   The depression, lonliness, stress and all the other things are right there all the time.  In the year and 1/2  I've been doing this I have had a total of 3 afternoons alone, not nearly enough.

It is easy for others to tell you what you need  to do to survive.  Have others help, get respite (I didn't even know what that was until last week)get her interested in other thiings, you know the list I'm referring to.  If it only was that easy.  My mother is evil.  No better word.  Even with her Catholic views she is unbelievable.  Negative, critical, demanding etc.   She doesn't wantt do anything, go anywhere (except church - so senior centers are out), not alot of visitors, because of her attitude.

Nothing is right from the way I tear the lettuce to the way I fold clothes.  It's my bad childhood allover again but worsel.  Now she has the tantrums etc.  My mother even thinks that "free room and board  is enough "pay".  She is  not  hurting for money.  The 24 hour day has now turned into a 36 hour day.  It's not like I'm constantly doing tasks that so tiring it's the constant bitching that gets me. 

I've have finally figured out that my soberiety is at risk (19 years sober) and YES I am the most important one in this relationship.  I can't do this anymore without help..  Doesn't mean I'm lazy (and I don't care anymore what others think ) it just means that I'm killing myself and I don't have too.  I'm fortunate that I can afford to pay someone to help with the housework and yardwork, again this is the only way i'm going to get a break.  My mother won't go anywhere and doesn't want anybody helping her so ........

Obvoiusly I needed to "talk" with others going through the same thing, just read what I've wrote. Noboby knows what we're going through no matter their good intentions.

I've gotten off track, sorry.!   Take heart knowing that you are not alone, your feelings are not "bad" and  you are doing the right thing.  You know what's in your heart and so does our Lord.  Thank God, otherwise I would be dead.

If you need help and can't afford it, check with Catholic Services.  They have tremendous volunteers to help.

In my thoughts and prayers..........Imelda