getting some help

Hi Lisa!  Welcome to Caring's groups!  I'm really glad you found us and posted.  I have a feeling you'll find many others in similar situations who can offer support.  In the meantime, have you seen these articles on Caring's site?  I'm going to give you a link that may be helpful.

http://www.caring.com/items/tagged/care-giving-stress 

Take care!  And keep us updated!

Lisa,

I'm glad you found the time to post here. I haven't lived with a parent, so my advice could be way off. (I remember when I had young kids that everyone had advice about how to spend more time with my husband when I didn't want advice so much as someone to babysit once a month.)

I know that there are paid for services, but that's not always an option.

Here are a few more scrappy suggestions:

• Is there anything your mom likes to do? Anywhere she might be able to be a docent (a local public garden or museum or library) or a church service she might like to attend? Can she do things on her own? Having a purpose might help her give you a bit of space.
• I know when I had young twins that I didn't do this deliberately, but I shifted my sleep schedule a bit. I, personally, like about an hour a day of quiet, unstructured time - to waste if I need to or walk or read. The only way I could do that was early in the morning or late at night.
• Do you have any neighbors or friends around in a similar situation? Could you host a card game for a few parents and give your friends a break and THEN they'd do the same for you the next week?

Ok, you sound like a loving daughter. Remember: it IS doing your best to take of yourself too.

Can't wait to hear from other people living with their parents, who will surely have much to add here.

Wish I could pop over with my kids and have your mom help us press flowers or something for an hour while you GO OUT.

Gosh, I have so many friends in this situation and it's so hard. I'm caring for my mom too, but we live a few towns away so it's more over the phone and running down there every few days. Are there any support networks you can tap into -- a church, a neighbors' group, extended family members who happen to be retired with more time? Also, some towns have "day care" for seniors -- it's not called that, of course, but it's a drop-in center for seniors, a place  they can go and it can actually be fun if the center's run well. When my best friend was in this exact situation, she found out about a "long lost" aunt who'd recently moved to the area and called her, and she turned out to be retired and lonely and started visiting and getting involved....anyone like that in your circle of aquaintances? I so sympathize -- good luck!!!

Hi Lisa  goingcrazy  :>)  One of my neighbors, uses  a 'day care' program too with her mom.  She goes 3 days a week and it works out really well.  There's also a 'senior' lunch program at our town hall once a week organized by the town council on aging.  The overall program is run by the Regional Council on Aging.  They are a great resource, and its worth finding your local one.  I just googled council on aging with my zip code and found this resource.... for example... 

http://web.mit.edu/workplacecenter/hndbk/toc.html

Hope this helps!  ps... don't forget to take a 'time out'  for yourself :>)

Hello Lisa,

My GOD I know how you feel............I've been taking care of parents for 14 years. And 8 of those years they BOTH lived with me.........Please read my response on here for more info about me and my situation. But yes, since I only have my mother living with me, she drives me crazy!!! She show little or none respect for what I say in MY home.........But then again she has dementia, but you know Lisa? It starts with taking care of you FIRST!!! You no help to her if you aren't doing well.............Take breaks and YOU get out with your friends or husband, kids.................or just YOU! Get your nails done, make over, buy a nice outfit........etc..............whatever................. make Lisa happy first!!

 God Bless you and remember..............YOUR NOT ALONE!  TAKE CARE!

 I moved to a state to be close to my parents and after 47 years of marriage my mother dumped my manic depressed dad. She asked me help him. Logically, I thought I had a big house he could live with us. We were worried that he would commit suicide or relapse to alcohol.  It has been 3 plus years and I am disgusted  with both parents. I can't even look at my dad (or mother) without being angry.  I don't yell at him or mean to him....I just have distanced myself.  I am so upset that he has taken no effort to care for himself or to get a life.  It is like he is killing himself.  I just want to move away, sell the house so that he has to step out on his own. He is in my business. I have tried to stay in my room when my kids are gone. He listens for me to get up or come out..then he comes out. He will just sit there and stare...ughh.  I feel like my behavior is compounding his rapid decline in health.  He is seeing a psychiatrist, on medications galore has relapsed with alcohol with makes his medications very dangerous. I am so upset that I did everything to 'save' him and he didn't save himself.  So he is going to die and our relationship has been damaged. I do not know how I am going to forgive myself for hurting my dad but I can't  take the depression. It is like walking up a muddy hill and make such little progress. To compound this situation even more is that my mother looks at me like I am hurting him and that his relapse with alcohol is related to my husband and I wanting to move.  Yet, she skidded from the responsibility by having me save her from her guilt for dumping my father.  I think I am just releasing here because I feel stuck.  No amount of breaks help for me because anytime I come home and he is here or is in the main area of the house ..I feel miserable and so uncomfortable in my own home. The WORST part about this is that when my dad does die..I am going to feel soooo horrible, sad, miss him, feel regret, guilt....incredible remorse.  I am not sure if he will live long enough for us to recoup our relationship.

So,  Lisa, our specifics are different but I guess we are not alone in the frustration.  I freaking HATE the situation I am in!  Each situation is different. I have always prided myself for being kind to EVERYONE.  I am a helper and have great compassion for all humans. This situation tested all my feelings about myself.  I will never ever do this to my children.  I feel ugly and I am not an ugly person.  I am just human..

So the plan is that he is going to find his own place. Problem is that he won't take care of himself.  I have considered a treatment facility for depression.  My dad is 73 and he could live to 90 plus if he got his head out of his rear. I can't see him in a retirement facility.  Frankly, the amount of money for a place for him to live is so outrageous..4 grand a month . He could take care of himself.....he just won't because he wants to die (he does not say that..but his actions do).

Sorry I am just unloading my frustratons.....

Hi Lisa,

My dad passed away last August. My mom is 82 yrs old. She has type 2 diabetes. I recently moved her in with my husband, myself, and my 12 yr.old grandaughter. I completely understand how you feel! I feel guilty doing anything for myself. I didn't know my Mother was so needy! I always thought of her as strong, independant and helpful. Since she has moved in, she depends on me for everything! I can't tell you how many times a day I rush to assist her. I get very aggrivated,, then I feel guilty. My husband and I love to fish, and want to take a short vacation, but, now we have mom. He doesn't want to take her with us, but I feel guilty. I know that we are important to but, I don't want to leave her alone. Any suggestions? Take Care, Lisa, this too shall pass.

Can you get someone to stay with her while you two vacation? Things have gotten a fraction bit better since I found some outside work.  It forces me to be away and forced my father to find something else to do.  I am not as irritated as I was but who knows how long that will last :0)  Is she needy because she wants to be or needy because she HAS to be? You could talk to her about you, your husband and daughter going away together. Although if I say 'my' family my mother with say "I am part of your family' ugghh. It is not the same.  So can you say to your mother that the three of you want to go away?

Hi, wow - these stories sound so familiar!  Both of my parents began having some health problems around 4 years ago.  My father passed away 3 years ago and, before he did, I found myself running around to take care of one or the other, or both!  In addition, I have a husband who has his own business so he works literally every day of the week, and two great kids (thank God!).  The 19 year old is just completing his first year of college and the 16 year old is a very motivated girl.  I am so thankful that I haven't had to worry about difficulties with teenagers during these trying times.  My problem?  After my father passed away, I mentioned to my mother that she should consider selling her house and I looked around at senior housing options for her,.  She told me that she didn't want to leave her home, so, I let it slide - meanwhile, with the aid of my son, handling yard work, shoveling, etc.  Now she's having some serious health problems and we will now have to sell her house.  I, of course, will have to do all the work myself since my only sibling lives 10 hours away and my husband, well - you know - he works every day!  My mother wants to move in with us, but I know this will be disasterious.  I wish she would consider senior housing close to my home.  I would, of course, stop in probably every day. I can just imagine that if she moves in, she will want to know what I am doing every minute of my day.  I have a job that I enjoy, but I've even had to sacrifice there by not working the hours that I should to take her for doctors appointments, etc.  I have become accustomed to not having to answer to anyone - being independent.  As it is, she calls me at least 5 times a day!  I think that her moving in will ruin our otherwise good relationship,  I'm also worried about what will happen to my relationship with my husband.  We have so very little time alone together as it is.  I'm depressed and do not want to face the future.  I feel I have nothing to look forward to - and nowhere to turn.   On top of that? Guilt!