'Family involvement' posted by Paula Spencer Scott @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Paula Spencer Scott — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 21:37:37 -0000

All of the above advice is great. I'm from a family of five siblings, and found that on top of the geographic complexities, birth order and the "roles" each child played in the family growing up tend to persist into adulthood (e.g. the youngest is perceived less seriously because he's "the baby," the oldest is supposed to take the lead, etc.).

Sounds like your siblings are expecting you to do a lot because you are on the ground there. She may need more than just time. You might find it helpful to start tapping into various levels of support for your mom, from little things like automating bill payments and hiring someone to do yard work on up to consulting with a geriatric care manager about other resources that would make life easier for all of you. Sometimes you need to be blunt with siblings: This is what is is, this is hard; but I've found these resources to help us all--do you want o help me set them up?" They may be relieved to have a role they can play from a distance. Or they may need to spend more time with your parents to really get a sense of the situation. With dementia things can change often and they may not truly grasp that the situation is beyond what you alone can provide, even though you are already doing more for your mom and dad than they think. Your parents sound lucky to have you near.

'Family involvement' posted by Missy @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Missy — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 01:53:49 -0000

Hi and welcome to Caring's commununity! I'm glad you posted.

Isn't it funny how when we're younger, we fight with our siblings about who did what, who did more, who didn't do anything and who needs do something... It's neverending! Somehow I was under the impression that would end when we grew up... dream on!

It's so hard being the one closest to the parent who needs some assistance. I'm that gal right now and when things get bumpy, I always feel like one of my siblings feels like I'm not being aggressive enough with my parents' doctors. It's really hard for him to understand that I have my own style and comfort level...but also that my parents guide my interactions with their docs sometimes. I want to say something to rebel a recommendation or statement, but my parents shush me. Out of respect for them I don't chew anyone out no matter how much I want too!

Nina and Nell had some really great advice for you and I agree with them. Really talk to your siblings. I'm sure everyone's underlying emotion is fear for your parents' well being. Ask them to give you criticism constructively and to be open to offering solutions. When they give you constructive criticism, try your very hardest to let what they've said sink in before reacting.

Family dynamics can be so tricky. I feel for you. Good luck to you and your family!

'Family involvement' posted by NinaD @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

NinaD — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 01:40:29 -0000

When I was 30 and my mother was 56 she died of breast cancer, now I am dealing with my 81 year old father who has dementia. When my mother was dying I was the only child of hers in the area, now I have a brother who lives here. I can identify with your problem and my siblings and I had to learn how to navigate a situation that is rife with emotions twice.

Needless to say, this time is easier in some ways because I have my brother, also, we are all older and wiser. The reality of dealing with my mother dying when I was the sole child certainly was impacted by everyone else being out of state. We fought and cried when my mother was dying but eventually figured out how to deal with the imbalance of labors.

The issues were resolved by our understanding the impact of our mother's situation on each of us. They felt helpless being far away. This often came out by them critizing me, just like you. I felt resentful that I was carrying the load and them causing me more grief. We resolved this by my learning to delegate tasks to them and by them learning to defer to my knowledge and efforts. I needed appreciation.

Now, 20+ years later, this lesson has served us well. I manage the household stuff and finances, my brother handles legal and medical. My two sisters, who live out of state, have strengths they add, as well. They call him daily. One sister is a therapist and listens to us when problems arise. The other sister is knowledgeable about art and valuables and we expect her to come in very handy when we have to handle the estate. Both make fairly regular visits and we work together to time them so they provide relief for my brother and myself.

I recommend you talk with your siblings. When your parents die you will only have each other. Actions in situations like you are in can make or break families. You have to build trust and work together for the common cause.

'Family involvement' posted by Nell Bernstein @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Nell Bernstein — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 23:52:52 -0000

It's so painful for everyone in a family when a parent begins to show signs of deterioration, especially dementia, and it's really easy for the stress to manifest as tension among siblings. I know in my family one thing that helped to break the tension was just to lay it on the table--admitting to my siblings how scary my father's illness was opened the door for a conversation about how much we all needed each other's support to get through it. We agreed that the important thing wasn't to "keep score" of who was doing more but rather to think about maximizing each other's strengths so that we were each doing what we were best at--and what stressed us out the least. For me, getting on the phone and trying to navigate hospital and nursing home bureaucracies was less stressful than simply sitting by my father's bedside; that was something my sister was better at. That's not to say there were no more flare-ups--caregiving is stressful and thankless works--but just getting those underlying issues out on the table and acknowledging how hard it was for all of us, and how much we needed each other, made a big difference. Ultimately, it brought us closer.

'Family involvement' posted by Youngest Sibling @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Youngest Sibling — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 19:32:15 -0000

I am the youngest of 4 siblings. Our father is showing signs of dementia and it is hard on our mother. I live the closest and others only come home a few times a year. Whenever siblings come home, I end of getting into arguements with them as to the care of our father. It's been very difficult and I feel that no one thinks I am doing anything to help in giving time for our mother to have some free time.

Recent Posts in 'Family involvement' | Caring.com

'Family involvement' posted by Paula Spencer Scott @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

'Family involvement' posted by Missy @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

'Family involvement' posted by NinaD @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

'Family involvement' posted by Nell Bernstein @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

'Family involvement' posted by Youngest Sibling @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}