Hi Kittaki! Welcome to Caring groups.

I'm sorry to hear your mother in law is fearful of being placed in assisted living. Has she been shown brochures, visited any, to make it more reassuring that it's not what she feels like it will be? Alternately, could you hire a day nurse to take care of her daily needs?

Perhaps this question and answer might help you: http://www.caring.com/questions/how-can-i-help-convince-my-mother-that-its-time-to-move-into-a-retirement-community

Let us know how things are going for you.

you have to take one day at a time one step at a time do not rush the process. show her brochures even set up a appointment to visit some places for lunch or dinner. i have the most stuborn father and it took about 2 years to finally get him to agree to go into an assisted living facility.

I feel in a slightly similar situation in that my Dad is the one in poor health while Mom is okay with both of them wanting to stay in their home. Mom is open to getting help at the house.  I also try not to throw to much at them at once so that no one becomes overwhelmed.

I've taken her to places to check out, visit for lunch and so on.  There is a really nice one that is right next door to the nursing home I work in, and I told her that it would be just like living at home, only if something bad were to happen there would be someone there.  She could still have her bird, still come and go as she pleased. 

We've had day nurses plenty of times, but they never stay long either because of the verbal abuse, or me getting off work early to stop by there and the nurse would be sleeping on the couch

HAVE YOUR MOTHER LIVE WITH YOU,  YOU CAN GET PAID FOR PERSONAL CARE ,FEEDING HER ,DR .APPOINTMENTS   FROM AID LIB  OR ELDERLY SERVICES . MY MOTHER DIED APRIL17,2007 I TOOK CARE OF HER 19 YEARS  YOU ONLY HAVE ONE  MOTHER,ALSO  SHE TOOK CARE OF YOU.  MY MOM , WAS 91  and I was age 56  I MISS HER A LOT . $ 12:00 TO  $14:00 an  HOUR   TIMES  40  HOURES  A   WEEK.   GOOD LUCK ,  JOANN

CNA  WORK AT HOME . SAVE ON GAS  and TIME LOST  AND YOU CAN WARE YOU  P. J.   AT HOME PLAY ON YOUR COMPUTER .     DO LAUNDRY  , HOUSE WORK  COOKING .  AFTER YOU TAKE CARE OF YOUR MOTHER FIRST .  JUST LIKE MOM TOOK CARE OF YOU , BUT MOM, DIDNT GET A CHECK EVER WEEK.  IAM NOT SORRY. JOANN LOVE YOU MOTHER

MY BOSS was a RN. NURSE , SHE HIRED ME TO LIVE IN AND TAKE CARE OF HER MOTHER 24/ 6 DAY A week.  AFTER 3  YEARS  SHE PUT HER MOTHER IN A NURSING HOME  AND SHE DIED 10 DAYS LATER. SHE WAS SORRY .  NOT ALL ELDERLY  CAN  LIVE IN A  NURSING HOME .  GOOD LUCK! JOANN

As a survivor of two parents being in nursing homes and having worked in the elder care industry for over 22 years, I would like to offer some, I hope, wisdom!

Have you discussed the issue of moving to a care facility with her physician? If he feels that she needs to be in an assisted living or nursing facility, having him/her tell her this may carry more weight. Older people tend to accept the authority of their doctors more than ours!

Some ways that you could proceed:

Does she live with you? If so, and she continues to be opposed and you really feel that you cannot care for her, you and your husband can tell her that she can no longer live with you, period. She will flip out, but just be silent and let her run her course. Then say that you are sorry that she feels that way, but the fact remains that she can't stay with you because you cannot provide the care that she needs, and the MD agrees! In other words, call her bluff. You have a duty to do what is best for her AND for you. Put the decision of where to move into her hands, but give her a deadline.

Make sure she knows that you are serious and firm in this decision, and do NOT even attempt this if you are not going to hold fast to the decision. Any sign of wavering and you will be lost!

If she lives alone or with you,  you can wait until she has a medical crisis and ends up in the hospital again (with the medical issues she has, this is probably going to happen sooner than later) and then not take her home, but have her go to a skilled nursing home or assisted living facility from the hospital. And then be firm about her staying there, for the same reasons as above. She will still be upset, but you have the new hospital stay as validation of your position.

Keep repeating to her that you are not abandoning her, but you are doing what is best and safest for her because you love her. Set up a reasonable visiting schedule and stick with it. If you can't make a visit for some reason, set a 'make up' date and come then. Make sure the staff knows what is happening, so they can back you up. Don't take her word for how things are going, but ask the staff, especially the activity coordinator; elders like to lay a 'guilt trip' on us by painting a bleak picture. They think this will guilt us into taking them home!

Also, it doesn't hurt to keep a visitors journal in her room so you can record your visits (and others) and show her that you have been attentive. I am sure that she is afraid of being abandoned, helpless, and alone, and that is understandable.

I wish you every good luck! Michael A. Bower, ACC, Life Enrichment Consultant

I have symapathy for those of you who have a difficult parent or parent who takes alot out of you physically.  I have a close friend who cared for her mother (alzhymers) for 18 months before she finally let her go to a nursing home.  I worked as an aide in such a place when I was 18 and visited other facilities since then (I'm now 52) w/ friends who have parents in them.  I must admit to being adamintly against them.  I admit this knowing that sometimes situations leave no other alternative.  Right now my father-in-law has been very little physical strain, but this week his doctors are giving him some news that has my husband and myself worried.  Still no need for facility care, but I think we are just now entering into that phase that so many of you are in where more physical exersion on our part is required.  I have bad dreams about my mother or my father-in-law ever being in such a place.  So  much dignity is lost to them.  I don't know if I'm unrealistic, but I hope that my father-in-law will enjoy living @ home and having grandkids and greatgrandkids visiting until the day he goes to his reward.

Great idea on the visitors' journal~

It's hard on them.  Some assisted living places will take care of people to give the family member a break or if they want to go on vacation.   Maybe, if you let her stay for a couple of days she might realize it's okay, she can see the things they do at the assisted living homes.  Maybe a few visit might help her change her mind and reinforce that you will visit her and not just leave her at the home.   Please be very careful and check with the state on any problems with the assisted living homes you check out.

I hope it work out for her.

My mother will be 90 in Oct.   I am 74.  I drive back and forth to her house, do her work, stay with her 3 to 4 hours and make or buy her lunch/supper.   She refuses meals on wheels.  I take her to all of her appointments, do her grocery shopping and still must keep up with my home and husband who is 79.  She has a mild dementia which makes her forgetful.  I'm exhausted. She will not leave her home for assisted living.  Also, money would not pay for many years there even if she sells her home.   She balks at having another care taker coming in because she does not need assistance with bathing and dressing.

June

I don't understand.  Who paid your salary, your Mom or did your Mom have insurance.

J.

Sometimes it is not possible for a child to be a cargiver for a parent.  In my case the abuse has been life long and there is no way my mother can live with me. I am in therapy trying to get past some of the awful stuff and have been told I will have a complete melt down if she is under the same roof with me.  She screams at me in public, tells complete strangers lies about me calls my brother and tells him she has not seen me for weeksand has no food in the house. Oddly enough she told me the same things about him until I moved her to my city No she does not have dementia or alzheimers.Everything is just abut HER!!  We have the same doctor and even he has told me she is too abusive to consider my 24/7 care of her.  I see to her needs grocery shopping, pay all her bills, fill meds boxes, take her out for some sort of activity each week, take  to her numerous dr appointments, order all he meds, do her taxes and generally keep things moving.  She has reached the point that the visiting nurse, social worker and PT have advised the doctor that she is no longer making good decisions and not safe living alone. the doctor is going to recommend ALF at the next visit.  she knows this is in the wind and is refusing to go, stating no one can make her.

My mother is 94, has just returned from rehab for the 2nd time. She has no dementia, but is physically very weak and is incontinent. I hve decided that she needs nursing home care, yet it males me sick to my stomach to think of telling her that she can't live with me anymore. She is very verbally appreciative of what I do for her, but sometimes it's so physically difficult that I find myself raising my voice to her, and I feel horribly guilty abiut that. My physical and mental health are suffering, and though my husband is supportive of me, he does not participate physically in her care.My sister has "checked out" , moved 800 miles away and I haven't heard from her in a month. I believe inelectually that I'm doing the right thing, but my heart hurts at the thought of "putting her away" in a home. I know no one can really help me with this, but it helps to lay it all out like this. Thanks everyone for listening

If your Mom has some savings it might be agreeable for her to pay someone to come in 4 hours a day to help you with her care.  She needs to know that you love her but are no longer able to take care of her by yourself. 

I am a caretaker of my mother who lives in her own home.  Although she has a mild dementia and a problem eating she is able to dress herself and take her bath.  I could not care for all of her needs if she becomes weaker and unable to walk with her cane.  As it is now I am keeping up two households and feel I am neglecting my husband. He is tolerant but does little to help. It's heartbreaking when you want to keep them home but haven't the money to pay for help.  I am in the same boat.

Thankyou so much.

Thanks for the supportive comments. God love ya for being 74 and working to care for your mom. I am only 54 and feel like an old woman sometimes. I tell myself that I am gathering good karma and that maybe it will come back to me one day.

My husband, while he loves me and is supportive of me, does not participate in my mother's physical care. Now, his mother , who lives 100 miles away, has developed a fast moving dementia and is oxygen dependent.Unfortunately, he openly resents being asked by his sister to help in her care.When I remind him that she once cared for him when he was unable to do it himself, he replies that the difference is that a child will eventually be independent, and he can't stand the thought of her regressing to child-like status, and so he "checks out"

This is a wonderful and on target answer.  I am going through the same thing only I from the start I did not let my mother move in.  She is in an assisted living and I am sure she likes it far better than living with me especially because I have to work and would not be around all day.  I have, or should say had, several friends that took care of their parents in home and the friends died first from the stress of it while the parent lives on. 

i think you should look somone to live-in with here, i use to this years ago.or you can have someone  come and work few hr a day to cook and clean take her to doc opts, I live-in western pa iam always looking for extra work i been a caretaker for 11 yrs . thanks EArl