Do your siblings help out enough with family responsibilities?

I can't speak for my own family, but I know my aunt was the primary caregiver for my grandfather, assisting my grandmother. My baby uncle lives in town there but has a family of his own to care for plus his job - he has several children but I know he was there whenever necessary. My other uncle lives near me, over 350 miles away. I think they offered support to her as we all did, but I know she was making the brunt of the decisions and it really took a toll.

Grr. Not answering for my own siblings here (I have none, and--if it counts--my two friends who everyone considers "part of the family" DO offer to help out all the time), but my mom's sibling, my uncle, my grandma's son...yeah, really not.

No, I'm not being quite fair. He does do a lot: he handles a lot of the paperwork and all of the finances, and to be fair, he has a full-time, on-site job, and a family (a wife, a pre-teen son, a baby daughter, and a neurotic dog), and he lives about 45 minutes from my grandma (we--my mom and I--live about five). My problem with him is, he doesn't seem to have any idea that I bust my butt to take care of my grandma, including spending way more time on a day-to-day basis than he does dealing with things from insurance to doctor's appointments to taking her clothes shopping. On my own or with one of her aides, not as an assistant to my mother. (Though, as far as my mother is concerned, that's useful too, my being her second. She says she really appreciates the support, and having someone to tell her that no, she's not dreaming when my grandma insists on things that never happened.) My uncle seems to think that I just sort of hang around and take the pressure off my mom, while he deals with "important" things. WRONG. I'm the one spending hours on the phone trying to find out why Medicare denied a few thousand bucks of medical bills. I'm the one going with my grandma to her doctor's appointments, or taking her to the movies so she'll stay out of my mom's hair for a few hours, so my mom can stay home and work (she's a freelancer; she can't work on-site anywhere because of how much of her time my grandma needs) to pay OUR bills. I'm the one with the layman's medical knowledge, talking to her doctors about vitamins and supplements and her habit of eating 300 calories a day of food, and 1500 a day of junk. While my uncle does...hmm, what, maybe 2-3 hours of paperwork for her, sitting at his desk in his office (as opposed to sitting on my grandma's couch, explaining to her for maybe the twenty-second time WHY we can't just drive to Canada for a week).

So yeah. I don't necessarily want my uncle to do anything more in a physical sense (though it would be nice if he'd bring his kids down to see my/their grandmother occasionally, instead of us always having to go up there). I just really, really want him to understand and acknowledge my contribution to the whole "deal with grandma" ensemble, what I refer to as "doing much more than my fair share, considering, y'know, I'm not supposed to HAVE a share!" Because dude, if I ever stopped doing everything I was doing, he'd recognize my contributions so fast, his head would spin. *tries and fails to imagine her uncle listening to two hours of "Twenty dollars?! I'd never pay that much for a pair of pants! The last ones I bought cost no more than twelve!"* (And, actually, I'll amend the "I don't want him to do anything more" in one way: my two friends I mentioned earlier, who are like part of the family? They frequently offer to spell me and my mother--what one of them calls "Grandma-sitting"--while my mom has to literally BEG my uncle to take care of my grandmother when we go away. It's not such a big deal now that she has aides, but still...he lives 45 minutes away from her. He can't take care of her once or twice a year for three days?)

Whew. Okay, I have to admit...I appreciated getting that off my chest. Thanks, Laura, for putting up this topic! :-)

My husband and I have had the responsibility for the care of all 4 parents over the years.  Other than when my Mom was dying, we never had any help from any siblings. To be fair, my sister-in-law lives in CA.  My Dad is the last of them and I am completely disgusted with the lack of help we've had from my sister.  He's been a widower for 5 years and she comes down once every 3 months for about 3 hours, usually for an occasion like a holiday, his birthday, etc. She lives 2 hours away!   My Dad is a difficult person whom I've had issues with all my life but we've still taken care of him.  He has dementia and other issues and he is very argumentative.  My poor husband has had the brunt of it because he's retired and I'm still working.  He's done a great job!  Of course, I helped with his parents several years ago.  

Dad is finally being taken care of by skilled nursing in a home and that has relieved us a lot.  I am just so dissappointed with my sister who was raised by the same parents I was.  I just can't understand how she could do this to us!  Her issues with Dad are not as severe as mine.  I just think it's so selfish!  My son and his wife have been wonderful, however.  I am so glad they are here.  Dad was a good grandfather so that helps. 

I have five brothers and sisters - all retired and all with grown children.  I am doing my best to remain pleasant with them while my mother lives with my family.  When she is no longer with us, I hope that they will no longer be a part of my family's life.  I do not hate them or wish them harm, but I have had enough of their whining and sarcasm.  I have no respect for them and they are not people I would like to be around voluntarily.

 I  am an only child so any elder care has fallen in my lap over the years .   I have never had a choice with grandparents, aunts and my father.  However, I have always felt that it was my family no matter how bad things got.   When an uncle wanted to turn a great aunt over to the state because he never got a long with her I just couldn't let that happen.   I too have had a very rocky relationship with my father over the years.  Both when my mom was alive and after she died.  My mom passed away at 52 years of age in 1983 and I have always had a hole in my heart and over the years my dad and I have come around but over the last year he has gotten ill and my only choice after a lot of soul searching was to have him in a nursing facility.  A day doesn't go by that I don't feel bad.  He is very angry at me and makes visiting very hard.  He is though very good with the staff which makes me feel good.

Anyway the other part of this story is that my husbands family is 5 people and their mother is 93 and has her faculties.  The only one that is attentive to any of her needs is my husband and myself as much as I can.  The rest of them always have the excuse that they are so BUSY.  I am so sick of that excuse and also their good deeds for everyone else but their own mother.   No one is on the same page as far as helping their mother and the only way the rest will do anything is if they are the ones that are  in charge.  It is so unbelievable how 5 people raised by the same parents can treat their mother the way they do.   I only hope that when they are seniors that "what goes around comes around".  I know that isn't a kind thought but I so wish my mom , grandmas and dad were still the way things were when life was a little easier.

I have been caring for my elderly and disabled mother since October 2000. I quit my full time job to care for her so she wouldn't be placed into a nursing home by my two sisters. As of to date, the two sisters have never partipated in the care of their mother nor have they ever given me a break (they both live within 5 miles from us). When I use to ask them both for such a break or just time for me to be alone, they both always said for me to call on my own adult children or I had to make an appointment with them, which by the way never happened, they always had an excuse. It's been 8 solid years taking care of our mother round-the-clock care, 24/7. I am the youngest of three daughters but I look the oldest. If I didn't have my two adult children to help me, I know I wouldn't be here today. And I do not acknowledge that I have two sisters. It's only me, my mom and my two adult children. There's so much more to this issue it's just too depressing for me right now to get in to. It's what those other two people (ex-sisters) have done to my mother who now has dementia.

I hope the person who chides us all for being self centered sees all this. There are people out there who REALLY need help and someone to relieve them when the stress gets to them. I know that caring for an adult parent is a labor of love; it helps immensely when all family members are on the same page even if they don't help out equally. In the last week my older sister has seen some of what my wife and I have experienced for the last 12+ months, watching mom slowly become more forgetful and less able to take care of all she used to.I've tried to get her to read what is on this web site; don't know if she has. Some of these letters could have been written by me or anyone else out there. I see alot of grandchic's frustration in my own situation. Good luck to us all.

I agree, Merlyn: sometimes it's more about people at least understanding what/how much you do than about them doing it themselves: I don't get mad at my aunt for not helping out, but not because she's only my grandma's daughter-in-law (or a full-time mom of two kids, 12 and 2); because she admits that I bust my butt taking care of her. And, being here really is helpful: it reminds me that I'm not alone, and not just feeling sorry for myself; that my complaints (okay, most of them!) are valid. That gives me more patience, sometimes, because I can take myself out of the equation and say (silently) "Okay, you're being a moron, but that's not my fault."

For the record, my uncle came over to grandma's today with some paperwork...he walked in, said hello to her, and then proceeded to ignore her unless there was something he needed her to sign. Which, granted, I do occasionally if I'm in a rush, but I see her almost every day. He sees her every couple of months. So yeah, I admit, I let myself feel kind of meanly good over that really clear example of "Ha, no, I really AM a better grandma-carer than you." Which is not nice, but it's healthier than the anger that's never going to go anywhere. I'm learning, I'm learning.

I have five brothers and two sisters and feel the care of my elderly mother falls to me. Several years ago my mother choose to live in our town without asking my husband or me. It has been an adjustment but I know that through it all I have a great relationship with my mother as long as I maintain boundaries with her. Laurie Malloy