Do you have enough personal time?

Wow, do any of us have enough personal time?! Actually, although a permanent vacation sounds heavenly, I know it's hardly realistic. I think people who schedule a set time for themselves, once a week or once a month or whatever they can manage, are smart. I recently got a rare afternoon all to myself and it felt just great, and I re-entered my "normal" life with a lot more energy and strength of spirit. If I knew to expect another time like that on a certain day,  I could probably make it from one time off to the next feeling a lot more resilient in between.

I would like one or two days off a week I could look forward to without any caregiving like at a job you would have the weekends. But there are no weekends off...

I personally think time is the most valuble thing my husband and I have.  Its also the least alotted amount given.

My mother-in-law is at the top of the list when thinking about time needed for oneself.  She is the sole caregiver of her husband, who has Alzheimers and Parkinson's.  I do my very best to make time to take her out, to get some enjoyment out of life outside of the home, and away from the strict responsibilities that are involved with being the sole caregiver.  My husband would be next on the list.  Between working all day, home life and multifple trips to his mothers home to help her tend to various needs about the home (think Mr. Fix it of all degrees) he hasn't much time for himself.  I think we consider ourselves a bit lucky, not having any children at this point because if we did, what time would we have then?

Time can be managed, so we hear.  But a lot harder to apply.  There are not enough hours in a day, week, or year.  By the time we stop to even ponder those hours, we've already lost a decade.  Time is delicate, and life is fragile.

I'm not sure there is ever enough time for yourself. For almost a year and a half I have been the sole caregiver for my mother who has Alzheimer's. During that time, I've taken four days for myself -- two to help my children move from one place to another, and two for family outings. Just recently, I have been able to get four hours a week of caregiver support. During that time, someone comes to stay with my mother so I can have "me" time. However, most of the time I'm running errands, grocery shopping, etc.; things that I can no longer do as easily with my mother along.

For a year prior to becoming my mother's sole caregiver, I was trying to work and care for her and my father who had been diagnosed with cancer. Once my father died, I found I couldn't keep up that pace and we couldn't afford outside help. I quit my job and have basically moved in with my mother, leaving my husband at our home 45 minutes away. I get to my home for two, maybe three days, a week and spend most of that time cleaning and doing things my husband can't get to while he tries to work and support us financially.

Fortunately, my children are pretty much on their own, but recently I've had a wake-up call of sorts that has led me to consider "permanent vacation." I caught a little bug that was going around. Nothing too serious, but it knocked me off my feet for a day or so. Even though I'm better, I'm not quite up to par yet. I found out that I can't be sick. Who is going to watch my mother?. I spent Sunday afternoon resting on the couch, but I couldn't really relax because I didn't know what my mother might need or might do.

I'm not getting any younger, my husband and I have given up our lives so that I could care for my mother, and I'm tired and stressed to the max. I think the reason it has been so hard to bounce back from my little bug is because I'm so stressed. Now I'm thinking that maybe we would all be better off if my mother was in a facility. I'm not sure how much more I can give. I'm not a natural born caregiver. It is difficult, very difficult for me. Also, I've been told that because we go to my home on the weekends that creates more difficulty for my mother because it takes her out of familar surroundings and routine.

I'm so tired. I know there are those who have been caregivers for much longer than I have been and who are required to work much harder than I'm am currently. I feel guilty thinking about placing her somewhere, but I'm afraid if I don't take some time back I won't be here for her at all.

jw - I have been there and done that.  It is not fair to your mother to deglect your own health.   If something happens to you, who will take care of her?   Always remember, the most important person in this experience is YOU!  YOU need to stay healthy and whole to be able to help her.

I have a list of 161 tips I have complied and that I speak to caregivers about.  Here are some:

ME DAY - Really pamper yourself once in a while with a ME Day.
75. Enjoy a day alone.
76. How? Call a member of your Support Team (see below) and ask for a day off.
77. Go to a beautiful hotel and sit in the lobby and read a good book or write in a journal. Browse the shops and have a coffee. It is a wonderful private day for the cost of a coffee.
78. Shop alone.
79. Head to the library,
80. See a movie.
81. Lunch with a friend.
82. Visit a bookstore.
83. Walk in a park.
84. Exercise.
85. Play a sport like tennis or golf.
86. Sit in Starbucks and just be “normal” around well people.
How do you get this time off alone?  You ASK, ASK, ASK.  There really are people out there who will help you if you Dare To Ask!

I do not feel like i have any personal time.  i live with my 94 year old great-grandmother, she broke her hip and can't walk, and she has had two strokes.  She will not leave the houe because that meand she will have to go out in the wheelchair, and she won't do that.  So i only get out one day a week, and i also have two small kids.   So all day everyday i have three people to take care of.

i love what i do, but i feel like i don't have any time for me.  i feel alone and depressed, but i am still taking care of everyone. 

mama bear = please take good care of yourself.  Remember, YOU are the most important one in the experience.  You need to take great care of yourself to be the fantanstic caregiver you are to your great grandmother and those two wonderful kids.  Please, ask someone to help and take the time off you deserve.; 

When do you know it's time to take the "permanent vacation" and place your loved one in a facility? I know everyone  and every situation is different, but what are some cues that it might be time to make a change from full time caregiving?

I just placed my husband in a permanent facility.  I think you know when caring for your loved one is taking a toll on you and your health.  Be honest with yourself......can you take it any more?  Don't feel guilty if you can't.  Get help.  Ask for help.  Go to a Support Group in your community or express your feelings to a good listening friend.  You can't let it harm your health and you can't let your emotions be felt by the person you are caring for.  Neither is a good solution.  You will still have plenty to do even with your loved one in a care home.  I visit frequently and deal with staff on a regular basis to maintain the kind of care I want.  So I am still very involved, but also have the freedom to leave and have time for myself.  Take good care of yourself, you deserve it.

Joy

I just placed my Father in a facility.  I could no longer help him.  I think I was doing more harm to him.  it is three min. from home.  He is having a hard time sleeping at night .  For years he worked the night shift.  He yells all night long for help.  It is getting better.   The Best thing that has happened is that i am his Daughter again , not his caregiver.  I spend time talking to my Dad about all the stories he has told me over and over again.  Now I write them down.  we go to the activitys they have.  We are respecting each other again and this has been in only a week. 

I feel good someone is there to help him if he falls. i don't listen all night long to hear if he is getting up.  I feel good that I can spend time talking with my Mon and give her the care she is intitled to. 

So If you are feeling guilty about having your loved one being taken care of by some one ealse DON"T it is the best thing for them and for you. 

My mother took care of her mother with Alzheimer's during the years I was a young adult.  Mother never visited me at college or, later, made time to visit me and my husband.  I visited her, but she did not reciprocate.  Always, her excuse was that she had to take care of Grandmother.  Later, after Grandma had died, the relationship between Mother and me had become merely prefunctory.  She was defensive, and I resented the many years she had not shown an interest or been there in my life.

You have just given one perfect reason that caregivers should take care of themselves and have a life outside of that of a caregiver.  There is no reason to lose two people to the disease and destroy a family in the process. . 

To answer the question of when it is the right time to put your loved one in a facility, I recently put my mother in a memory care unit and it was the hardest decision I've ever made. I agonized for many months over it but it was the right decision. I've been her caregiver for a couple years and I was really burnt out. How did I know? I was beginning to dread my days knowing I had to go take care of her all day. I love her a ton but eventually it takes a toll on you. I had lost myself and hadn't taken a vacation for years. I have two teenage kids and a husband and 5 pets - and they weren't getting any of my time (not to mention the mess the house had become). I had quit my job to take care of her and actually enjoyed it for more than a year but somewhere in there it was more than I could handle. My family took trips overseas and all over and I could never go. I really didn't get any time for myself or time to exercise or anything. My mother is now in a facility less than 5 miles from my house and I visit 5 days a week. It isn't perfect by any means but if I'm sick or something comes up with the kids, I know someone is taking care of her. The burden lifted is huge! I am getting my energy back and my mood is so much better. I'm exercising and can't believe how good I feel. I didn't realize how much stress I was under. Now when I visit her almost daily, we can have more quality time together. I'm not cooking, cleaning, doing laundry and washing her up. We now play cards, do puzzles, take walks and I concentrate on keeping her mind active and challenged. Before I was so busy with her chores that I didn't have much time to do activities with her. She doesn't seem any less happy and I know someone is watching her 24/7. It is much safer for her too since I didn't sleep at her place. There are many activities at where she is and they say she joins in when I'm not there and seems content. I know it is such a hard decision to make - I struggled for over 6 months with the decision but I think it was a good one. I was at my wits ends and the transition wasn't near as difficult for her as I thought. Actually she did much better than I did. She never even asked about her old apartment once we moved her in. So, bravo to those who can caregive forever but I know a couple years of it was all I could handle. I could tell it was becoming unhealthy for me. I was losing my patience with her and that is never a good situation. She was needing more and more care and I was getting more and more bogged down in it all. Something had to give. So from someone who has been there.....try to take some time for yourself before you end up unable to care for your loved one. I hired a companion 4 hours a week so I could get out and get errands done. I really looked forward to those days. I also asked my husband every so often to look after my mom for a couple hours. He was happy to do it - most the time. My out of town sister also came in town once so we could go on a vacation - but I had to ask her which was really hard for me to do. But you do need to ask for help. Most communities, churches or synagogues also have programs that offer a couple hours of companionship so you can get some time to yourself. Look around at local resources for caregivers or the elderly in your community. You might be surprised at what is out there to help you out. Good luck and remember what you are doing is truly such a gift to your loved one but if the time comes that they need more help than you can offer, it may be okay to think about a good facility where they will be safe and looked after or consider hiring some additional help. Hiring some home care is also a great option and works well for many people. It gives you time off and keeps them in there familiar surroundings.

Thank you for sharing your experience with us sabelson!  I'm happy for you that it worked out so well!