Have you ever wished you could throw away some clothes or things belonging to the person you look after? (Would you? Have you? What was it?)
As "secondary" caregiver to grandparents (and participant in the purging of amazing amounts of junk from three great-aunts after death as well as assisting a best friend with dealing with his mother's stuff after a medical emergency put her in care) I have thrown away or gotten rid of plenty of stuff. From newspaper clippings to old cards and letters I've tossed out boxes and boxes of items. I've boxed up and taken hundreds of pounds of clothing and shoes to Goodwill or other charities. I've donated unbelieveable amounts of horded canned goods and dry goods to food pantries and religious organizations.
Most of the time the individual being cared for is consulted as to what they want to keep. Often, we have to be harsh and explain "You have only one room or half of a room with someone else. We can't take it all with you." When it's a matter of moving someone into a family home, the same kind of thing is done. Normally, the way we get people to let go of possessions that mean nothing to anyone but them is to simply box them up and put a note on the box as to what is inside. "There's no room for this now, but we'll box it and put it in storage." After a couple of years, the person forgets it existed or, in several cases had Alzheimer's and couldn't remember these items, so we could donate or get rid of them later.
The biggest issue I have seen over the years is two-fold. 1) There are items that seem to be nothing but are full of family history or are worth cash and are about to be thrown away by someone because they haven't asked about things or 2) You end up having to read through every single paper someone has kept (including intimate love notes and other such things) in order to find the important documents (like legal documents or genealogical history documents).
These experiences have ensured that I throw away all cards and have tossed out all intimate correspondence. I keep my important medical, personal, and government records in clearly marked file folders so someone can easily find them. I also have a detailed list of possessions that are family heirlooms which is attached to my will and it includes the history of the possession and to whom I feel it should be passed. If something happens, everyone will know which things are important even if I am no longer able to tell them.
That's helpful. I'm afraid I'll have the opposite problem -- I have trouble throwing things out even when I should. I'm afraid I'll let them keep too much, or keep too much after they die, and then end up with way too much stuff when it's my kids' turn to help me downsize.
I used to wish I could get rid of my mother’s junk. I knew she wanted to get rid of it, too on one level, but years of being a packrat made it very hard. We started slowly with the most useless things - 30-year old school papers with water damage! - but she was still very resistant. We moved along very slowly with what we went through and although she was sometimes resentful in the beginning, as we got rid of more, she began to feel freer and embraced the project. Unfortunately, her health took a downturn before we could finish. But as much as we wanted the crap gone so Mom’s life could be easier and healthier, we knew she had to be involved. But all the time we took baby-steps, we *dreamed* of calling in the dump truck!
clothes!! tupperware!! and yes the old school papers!!! a lifetime of junk is about 9/10 just that, junk. it's the relationships that matter
I have so much of my Father's junk in my house and garage and I would like nothing better then to get rid of it. However, he insists he wants to keep it all and I feel that if I threw it away he would be upset. It will just have to wait.
Dad passed away about a year ago. His house and garage were so junky that for years I told him that if he left that mess for me to clean up, I would probably just throw in a match and walk away. LOL My sister and stepsister actually ended up doing most of the un-junking, and I ended up cleaning. Since my sister and I live out out of state, and my stepsister was taking care of her own terminally ill husband, Dad's mess was a nightmare.
Dad didn't care about the stuff, really; he just didn't want to "trouble" any of us. As it ended up, it was a whole lot of trouble to have to un-clutter the place in a hurry so it could be sold.
I throw out stuff religiously now. There is no way that I will leave such a mess for my family.
When my ex and I parted we didn't want to deal with material stuff so we pushed it all into a 10 X 20 Storage. Raising three kids on my own I learned quickly to hang onto everything to save money or have a yard sale. Then my mom died and I inherited my dad and all of their stuff. And they too were major pack rats. My home lost the garage, garden shed and formal living room to piles of boxes. Even dad didn't care for the piles of boxes cluttering my once beautiful home. Then the storage unit sold to a new owner who doubled the rent forcing me to deal with all that junk too. I was over whelmed before I dove in to clean it all up.
It has been two years and I am still hauling things to charities and having huge yard sales. Dad has had some fun bartering with people at the yard sale for the price of things. He has fun, the people love him and he is quite the salesman.
I have taken pictures with my digital camera and scanned lots of old photos for my dad and placed them on a digital photo frame, with extra memory sticks he can plug in. It was good to do this with things that he and mom had too. He enjoys the photos of things he used to have. I also included pictures of their home. When I give things away I always let him know that some things went to help a needy person and he feels rewarded to have helped someone. I have put free ads out online and helped a lot of young kids get things for their first apartment. Now we only have about a third of the garage stacked boxes that will be gone this summer.
And as for the things I have kept, I have put little address labels on the bottoms to explain the reason, value and which child might want the item, when we pass. Having to deal with all of parents things made me rethink what is really important are the memories not the stuff.
I've had my share of "cleaning" out a relative's home, both while the family member was still alive, and not. As I am presently undertaking it again with my Mom's home of 54 years (she is, thankfully, still alive) I want to do it in a manner that honors her life. So it may take twice as long to get it done, it will be a project that takes my Mom and me on a journey of her and my Dad's life together. We work on one room at a time (or could even be just a closet). First I declutter (newspapers, empty boxes, etc) as much as possible and when we get down to the goods my Mom sits nearby and we go thru each item, individually, with her remarking on it as to when/how it came into her possession. I've learned stuff I would never otherwise have learned and for my Mom it is a trip down memory lane, on the one hand, and a chance to say goodbye and move on with the next life chapter, on the other. It acknowledges things she has done in her life and let's her pass bits of wisdom and life nuggets along to me.
I also was a secondary caretaker for my grandmother and was involved in the sorting and throwing away process after she entered her first elderly house of horrors. I have never forgotten the whole experience of being one of three family members going through my grandmother's stuff and not able to give it the thought and dignity that it so deserved. My grandparents had traveled the world and my grandmother had items that I know only she would find special and valuable and help her to remember different places that she had visited.
My grandmother also had items from when she was a young mother and items that had been hand made for her by relatives and friends that had long since passed. I felt like an intruder somehow. I asked myself what right did I have going through her personal stuff and deciding what should be thrown out. If she had known what we three were doing, she would have become unglued. It just seems so unfair that in the last years of one's life, nobody really sees you or your stuff anymore but just sees an old person and stuff that needs to be tossed. A job really.
Sometimes though it just can't be helped. The stuff is there and it's sad for the elderly person but it's a real hassle for those who have to sort and dispose. There is something to be said for living simply.
"What right do I hav" is a good question but also right that it cant be helped. they didn;t dispose of it or disburse it and so it must fall to someone. It is just stuf.
Just so happens that's what we're working on right now. MIL is a pack rat and when we moved her in with us, she insisted on taking everything and disposing of nothing. However, we told her that she HAD to go through the boxes or we would, and so far, that threat is making her do it, although she's not getting rid of as much as we want her to.
I will admit that I do DREAM of calling a dump truck and getting a large shovel and just getting rid of it all.
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