This sounds like great advice. I'm definately a person who usually has 5 things going on at once. I hope that I will have that kind of patience when the time comes for me, but I doubt it. I wonder if anyone has some suggestions of what they do to keep themselves from being bored while maintaining the appearance of patience...

That's great advice, Marney!  Thanks for posting it!

Chris, I wish I had an easy answer for you.  My problem isn't faking patience, it's disguising frustration.  In my experience, though, it's just not worth it because as Marney suggested, it won't change anything.  My dad will still move really slowly.  And I don't mean like from the car to the doctor's office.  I mean like "Dad, take a shower so we can go." Ten minutes later..."Dad, can you please get in the shower?  We need to leave shortly."  Five minutes later..."Dad we really need to get going." all the while he's sitting watching TV. 

Maybe I just need to leave more time, bring a magazine and a good attitude. 

It might not be at all appropriate, but I know that my childrens' teacher sings through all tasks that might take awhile and have the chance to go off the rails.

It makes my kids more joyful in their actions and it relaxes me.

It doesn't feel as natural when taking care of an older parent. But, if you can combine kids, singing and an older parent, you are likely to be in a better mood.

I am moved to tears each time that I join my kids for a gardening day at their school. There's an assisted living facility that lets their kindergarten use some of their outdoor space to grow vegetables. Anyway, each time they visit, they deliberately walk through the building, singing as they go. It brings everyone out of their rooms and generates tons of smiles.

So, grab a young kid and sing a song.

Now - back to real life.

Fantastic advice, Marney. I have two small children, and I've found the key to not losing my temper (and my mind) when we have to be someplace is to leave us enough time so that we're not rushed.

No one likes being hustled around—and I'm sure it's a million times worse for an elderly parent who is used to being in control of her own life.

 This is very interesting because I have a problem similar to Missy. My 92 year old mom, who lives with me moves slowly. The problem is not the speed but what I believe is her choosing to do as she wishes no matter what the outcome. We go to warm water arthritis therapy twice a week and she is quite capable of getting herself ready to leave on time with everything she needs for the class. Our recent trip to a friend's house for dinner was a totally different story however. I told her what time we had to leave meaning that we must be in the car pulling out of the garage at that time. I headed down to her room at the designated time and asked if she is ready and she responds with an "almost." Upon checking I discover that really means that if I am lucky we will leave within the next fifteen minutes. It really makes no difference how often I remind her before hand because on this particular occasion for example I reminded her at least an hour before we needed to leave and as with Missy, she kept right on doing whatever. She has done this to me on so many occasions i am almost ready to tell her that if she is not ready to leave on time I am leaving without her.Of course the  guilt would never let me enjoy the dinner if I did that. I think she is being manipulative and perhaps passive aggressive but I have no idea what do about that. 

She does this type of thing when I take her to the hairdresser responding to my concerns with a comment such as "she will do us whenever we get there." Another favorite target for arriving late is the lab where she gets blood work done. I can tell by the look on their face when I bring mom in that they think it is my fault that we are arriving five minutes before they want to close the doors but there is little I can do about it when she refuses to get ready in time to make a timely appearance wherever we are going. Anyone have a suggestion on how to deal with this?

 There's always the old tactic of giving her the wrong time -- say, an hour before the dinner or the appointment actually is. Or, if you think she is being deliberately slow, maybe you should leave without her for a social engagement. Maybe she doesn't really want to go and that's why she dillydallyes. Or she'll see that youre serious and speed up. It depends if you thinkshe really needs the extra time or is faking it (i.e. manipulatingyou).

msmaddog has a question...I have been reading your site for about 2 months now and i would like to know your defination of old (elderly). when I read some of the ouestions and reply's I thank heavens that at 70 I don't need assistance. You people need to SLOW down for you're aging parent's if thats the case, I don't know what the answer may be but my god if u don't want to care for your parents at old age tell them early on. Almost all your posts are so depressing as if it is the worst chore u will ever have. I have already talked to my kids ( a few) about what they expect and what I expect, and if it doesn't suit we'll work on it. 92 WOW some (most ) will never see 80 let alone 92, give em' a break, I bet you weren't gems to take care for your parents. I work almost full time as a pet and house-sit nanny, I have a garden, do my own chores, clean the pool, etc and I hope I can continue for years but already having brain surgery (non-malignant) last year and being diagnosed with Emphysema 10 years ago, I enjoy what I have. I hope my kids appreciate my life! I did! I sure don't want some whinning ninny to screw up what's left.

Hi msmaddog,

I hope at 70, I'm doing as well as you!  You're an inspiration!  "Old" or "elderly" is such a subjective term.  I hate the "guess how old I am!" game because I've met 55 year olds that look like they're 80 and vice versa!  But with that, I want to remind you that this is a support forum for care givers.  This is a safe place for us to talk openly about our feelings, concerns, joys and pain.  And while I know some of what we say may be difficult to take since I believe you're coming from a different perspective, most members preface their concerns with a disclaimer about how much they love their parent.  Caregiving, whether for a child or parent, can be so demanding.  I'm always hopeful Caring.com's forums provide a space for us to help each other in a way that allows us to return to those we're caring for refreshed and with optimism. 

Hi Missy , thank you so much for responding quickly. Sometimes I jump when I should watch? Anyway, I do understand that your site is for the younger set, but it is an interesting read for all, u can really get an idea what people are facing and perhaps it could influence older folks who read it also. You get a perspective of what's on peoples minds and the problems they face. I have talked with my kids about several item's that I have read about on the site. my family and I have ALWAYS faced problems head on, we have had will's since our 20's (all of us), my first was drawn in 55' after my first child was born. We have long term care provisions, and a really strong family bond. I know that makes us a bit unusual but we work at it. Seem's odd to say but you have to prepare to live and to die, and along the way if you are lucky ,enjoy!  I'm babbling so I will close now but thanks to all for a great site for old and young.

I love it that you've been so open with your children!  Having them in the loop with regard to your thoughts, plans and wishes is remarkable.  End-of-life issues can be really hard to talk about.  Nobody wants to think about a time when any of us are no longer, but you and your family are so smart and realistic.  Just because we don't want to think about it doesn't mean it won't happen.  You are so right - we definitely need to prepare to live and die.

 This is in response to Chris, who wondered " if anyone has some suggestions of what they do to keep themselves from being bored. . ." while waiting (sometimes forever, it seems) for their parents to move slowly through a task.  My answer, based on *many* instances of waiting, is simple but deep:  Remind yourself why you are with your parent and what you are actually doing.  You are caring for a loved and/or respected person who just plain needs time -- much more time than you need -- to do what he or she thinks should be done.  The more practice you have, the better you will plan ahead and be prepared for the long waits.  When YOU have time, you will more easily have patience, and you'll recognize that you are genuinely contributing to the quality of your parent's life.  When I finally realized that my father didn't TRY to annoy me by being slow, my annoyance subsided, my muscles relaxed, and I could almost enjoy the feeling of moving more slowly.  I also knew that I was making a difference for him, and I was even more motivated to give him the time he needed.  So don't fake interest when you're bored.  Instead, generate more interest within yourself by reflecting on your purpose for being there.  You may even learn something.

 This is in response to Suev and Missy, whose parents apparently don't try to be ready on time, or to meet other people's schedule expectations.  Take my ideas with a serious grain of salt, because my experience with this kind of behavior is very limited.

I agree with Anonymous about setting an earlier time than is actually needed, just in case your parent actually does move very slowly, and/or didn't really understand "we're leaving in five minutes."

If the parent is manipulating the caregiver-child, however, that won't work.  In this case, the parent is exerting control (duh) no matter how annoying it is to the child.  It's very hard for people to relinquish their independence and competence, so it's no surprise when they fight back -- but they do choose some strange ways to do it.  Maybe being late for the hairdresser is Suev's mother's way of showing that she still runs something in the world.

It may help to step back and ask yourself, as honestly as you can, whether you are doing something to encourage this need for control.  For example, are you insisting that your father categorize his checks in a way that's logical to YOU, though he'd prefer to use his own long-time (perhaps illogical) system?  (This example comes from real life....)  If you can identify any of your own behaviors that provoke a grr-do-it-my-way-on-my-schedule response from your parent, maybe you can make a change yourself.

Another approach might be to appeal to your parent's presumed desire to be helpful and appreciated by others.  Instead of saying "the lab closes at 5, so we have to be there on time," you might say "the lab techs have their feelings hurt when we keep them overtime," or (the more positive) "we can show the lab techs how much we appreciate them by being a little early."  A twist on this is to allow the parent to feel that a sense of obligation is being created, as in "if we're ALWAYS on time for the lab, maybe they won't ever make us wait."  A bit risky, I admit.

My summary: first, realize that losing control is painful.  Then look for ways to give control back to your parent whenever possible.  Finally, try to figure out how the on-time behavior that you want might actually appeal to your parent by casting it in different terms.

Reading these responses has helped ease some of my frustration. My mother has been hospitialized for 2 wks w/ osteo related compression fractures & esophagual problemsthat have required endiscopy treatment. @ 87, she isn't as agile as she was even 1 yr. ago. Her Dr. thinks mom should consider a care facility; my sister wants us to wait 'till after the holidays to make this decision. We have a dairy farm ,and my wife works @ the local hospital. Mom lives w/ us; it's hard to have someone here 24/7 to assist her if something should happen. My wife recently had surgery to repair a torn tendon in her foot; severly restricted for another 5 wks.  Any ideas how I can manage/run the farm, care for 2 people, AND keep my sanity? I have other family, but they are unable to assist much because of distance or job requirements.

My daughter gave me this site to read, and I have thoroughly enjoyed reading everyone's questions and the responses.

My mother lives with me and my husband.  She is 86 years old, thinks she is 77.. and has Alzheimer's and sometimes she will carry a small conversation with you and sometimes its baby talk, I have a terrible time understanding her wihen she does the baby talk .  I tell her I cannot understand that kind of language, you have to speak clearer than that.  How do I handle this situation? Is she trying my patience?

And now the past 2 weeks she is taking down her depends and her pajamas and wetting the bed, 3 times just night before last,, last night 2 times.  I really don't understand why she is doing this, I need some understanding of this situation on what to do to get her to stop this. I'm trying to do my best to keep her out of the nursing home, but my back stays in so much pain that I said I don't know how much longer I can do this.

Is there home care that comes in at night to help me with her that might be covered under medicare and or her secondary insurance which is Cigna?

Can someone give me some advise on these questions?  I love my mother very much and I had promised her years ago that I would do my best not to let her go into a nursing home, because that was one of the things she dreaded in life when getting older.

Hi there!  If you haven't already, you defintely should post these questions in our Alzheimer's support group.  I'm hopeful there are others going through similar situations that will have words of wisdom.

My father is a bedridden invalid.  He has heart failure, emphisema, and is on 25 meds.  He cannot get his meds, eat, or "potty", by himself.   My mother is his caregiver.  They are both 78. Mom had a mastectomy a year ago, and cannot lift more than 20 lbs.  They cannot use a vacuum, change a light bulb, grocery shop by theirselfs, or drive to the doctor.   When Mom grocery shops, one of us has to sit with him, while the other takes her to the store.  There are 4 of us, two boys, two girls, but I am the only one that will sit with him.  Everyone else refuses to because of bed pan and urinal duty.

We (the kids) all have to work full time jobs to keep health insurance for us, and support our house, car, etc.  

My parents refuse to have meals on wheels, maid, nurse, or caregiver help because they  do not want strangers wandering through their home, going through their things. They also refuse to have him in a nursing home.

We do the best we can, getting two of us down there every other weekend, as we all live within 50 miles.  But it is a compromise, as their house is always messy, and occasionally they don't have much in the house to eat, although I have stocked them up with canned goods and try to keep then pantry full during the winter months in case of a winter storm.  

Also, my brother is 45 years old, single, and is always bumming money from my Mother to the tune of $700 a month (about 1/2 her income).  I have told him to stop this, and we have had it out, but he is the baby and she sneaks behind my back to give it to him.   Thats why I only give her food, and pay bills, but no cash, as I know where it will end up.  What can you do about this ?

 Hi eeh,

This story sounds so familiar. Something very similar in many respects happened in my family. First, hindsight is always 20/20 and in the case of my family - 80+ year old parents with three kids living 60, 250 and 300 miles away - we learned the hard way that when your parents reach a certain age they need help. Even if they do not agree.

In our case they too did not want any.  No maid, no housekeeper, no lawn people (they had 12 acres of landscaping) no meals on wheels. According to them they could do it all themselves. The only way we made any headway was to find a capable friend who did not live too far away and pay them to help the folks. We started with the simple stuff like getting the son of a friend to mow the lawn. Ultimately we had to have someone in during the day. 

However, they did not accept that help until after they were both so debilitated that it took months of hospitalization and rehab for my mom following the death of my dad. Seems she tried to lift my dad once too many times when he fell. Of course, neither parent told any of us that he had been falling. And mom did not admit that she had injured herself in any way until my father passed.

Sounds to me as though you need some type of intervention with the sibs. Even though you seem to be doing some major caregiving and they are sharing to some extent, it helps to have help with the less pleasant tasks. I know that urinal and bed pan duty is not fun so it I would think  this duty could be shared. 

This would be the voice of experience talking here since I am now sole caregiver for my mom since she moved in with me following dad's death. I should mention that this was my choice and she was not too pleased with that choice. She would have preferred that I give up my job, sell my house, move 300 miles and move in with her. 

I should also add here that I too have had a sib who has frequently had a hand out. I don't know how to deal with that issue other than to say that it stopped when my mom moved in with me. Have you given any thought to having power of attorney for your parents so you can keep an eye on finances?

Big Momma: Thanks for your reply.  I was just down there two days ago.  My sister lives next door to my parents.  She is 48, and I am 51.   My sister had cancer and had a hysterectomy last spring. Fortunately it was laproscopic, and she was better in 6 weeks.   After she returned to work, she got a promotion, and a rather large raise.   She and I both make a decent salary, and my house is paid for, so I would not say money is no object, but I would say it is not as tight as some folks. Because of that, we are able to buy robots, (roomba and scooba) to clean the floor, and a patient lifter to pick him up.

We get one of the locals to sit with Dad one afternoon a week, so my Mother can go to town and have her Dr appts, buy groceries, shop etc with her twin brother who lives down the street, and is still able to drive.  The guy is on social security, and is gratefull for the extra income.  My sister sits with him every other Sat, and I sit with him every other Sat. 

  Our brother still contributes nothing, but is only around when he needs money. He is trying to take less, and has curbed his spending, but generates a lot of expenses by making payments late, using ATM's not owned by his bank, and to quote Dave Ramsey  "paying stupid tax". He also refuses to work a part time job to supplement his income because he is working on his "Art career".  He is 42 years old, and has still not made any real money on his paintings, but refuses to give up.   My mother still spoils her little boy.  There is something about Momma's and their little boys especially if they are the youngest.  My neighbor is the same way.   The girls can risk their lives, homes, and marriages to take care of Momma, and it is just expected, but the boys only have to breath and visit twice a year and they are saints.  And whats worse, she complains about her parents always favoring her brother, while my sister and I just look at each other and snicker, because she does the same thing !!!!

Oh well, I knew early on that I needed to be my own  provider, so I went to college and had a career.   My family was not rich, and I could see men of the generation before mine dumping their 40 something wifes to run off with the 20 something secretary, so I figured my best chance in life was to be my own provider.   I also have a lot of insurance and a retirement account.  When I am my parents age, I will not be afraid to have a maid and a lawn guy !!!  Maybe I will just move on a cruise ship...all the services of a nursing home, but cheaper !!!

 Ah eeh, you are a woman after my own heart. We will all meet up one day on a cruise ship where we will hopefully go to retire!  What is it with moms and their sons? I have heard this story often also. In defense of the artist though, I have to say that it has been my experience that they do move to the beat of a different drummer. And unfortunately they often are not financially successful - at least not during their lifetimes! I happen to know not only a few graphic artists as well as musicians and the beat is strong and definitely not something that attunes them to fiscal responsibility.

After I was done writing messages to this blog last evening - well to be more accurate, early this morning, I looked at some other things on this site and there were some spots with good suggestions on dealing with sibs in caregiving situations. If you have not located those you might take a peek and see if anything sounds like it might be worth trying. Personally I was wondering about adopting some of my friends and getting rid of the sibs that came with the family. i did not notice that with the list of suggestions though.

One suggestion was to let people do what they can. So if you have no time to parent-sit , you might be able to contribute in some other fashion. I am thinking that if your brother is an artist perhaps he could do some painting in the parents home. I know my folks could have used help with that. 

Now, I do know that there is a big difference between a house painter and a portrait or landscape painter but heck, when in need, do whatever you can manage, right? Paint is paint and a wall could perhaps be a canvass - might even generate some income for him if the neighbors come in and see something new and pretty on the walls. 

Of course, he might hate you for that idea but do you have anything to lose with the suggestion?