My family recently found out our Mom has Dementia.  We are struggling trying to put all the pieces together on "what to do next".  She is 81 and she lives with my Dad who is 85 and not in good health either, although his mind is still good most of the time. It is really hard to know what is best for them.  They do own their own home and have a small pention so financially it could be a lot worse.  I just want what is best for them.  ]I am just looking for resources and help for the next phase.

Reading all your letters and solutions has helped me.  Thank you.

To Suze:

My father is 81 years old and he has a tendency to act out when his girlfriend of 30 years is not around.  She is such a gem she stays at my house most of the time to help care for my father, however when she is not here he is combative, fights everyone, drinks liquid soaps and urinates on my bathroom counter.

When I question him about his bad behavior upon her return he completely denies any knowledge of it.

That being said, you are not alone and I have yet to figure out whether or not he has bouts of clarity where he actually knows what he is doing.

Diana3, since the situation with your mother is only recently diagnosed, has she been put on any dementia medications like Aricept or Namenda?  If so, those may take several weeks before the full benefit is realized.  There is also a bright spot in her advanced years at diagnosis ... what I mean is that the more aggressive forms of dementia generally have an earlier onset, in the early 70's, the 60's, or even the late 50's.  That might indicate a slower progression with the disease, which might buy her more time if a medication regiment can be found that helps her.  One more thing, with most forms of elderly dementia you'll see a daily pattern where increased confusion and agitation occur about the same time every day, typically late afternoon until bedtime (it's called sundowner's syndrome).  Some people find that this is the period when outside help is most useful, so start keeping a daily log of her behavior and see if you can identify her pattern ... if you can that may help to determine the type of assistance and frequency that would most benefit them.

I have a cousin who is 68 years old who now has early stages of alzheimer, I have never been around anyone who has it until I started being around her.

I notice how agitated she gets when she cannot remember anything and somedays she looks like she is depress or just out of it.

I wanted to get Will and power attorney done for her but Senior Law Center said because of her condition now the court would have to assign a Guardianship over her they would have to appoint someone to take care of her, we went tothe court March 11th, 2009 here in Philadelphia, Pa.so I hope her mom and neice will take care of that to make sure she will be ok

lady-di, I'm sorry to hear of your cousin. It must be difficult to see someone change as much as I'm sure she seems to have. I'm glad to hear you and other family are so willing to care for her. Good luck.

Suze - you started this thread a long time ago, so you may not see this, but I have two thoughts on your post.  First, if you are truly caring for this woman 24/7 I think her family has unrealistic expectations.  They really should have at least two people sharing this job.  I am just now finding out how challenging care  giving is (with my mom) and I know I certainly could not do it full time with no help. If you are  - may I send caring thoughts your way?!  Second, as a hired care giver I would document what is going on - keep a journal or something. (Video perhaps? ) If her family has not seen this side of her and she is on best behavior everytime they are there, what will they think if some type of incident occurs?   I just think one must be cautious in today's litigious atmosphere.  That way you will have some support  if a "she said, you said" discussion came up.

My very best wishes to you for all you are doing to help and care for this lady.

I am friends with an elderly lady. I don't get to see her very often but the last time i seen her she was very thin and kept coughing and tapping herself on the head, she is 83. I gave her some dinner and she was eating like she hadn't ate for a long time and she made a statement that it felt good to eat. She also makes statements about always being left alone and no one talks to her. I am considering making an anymous complaint so that she could be checked on to make sure she is not being neglected. Not sure what to do, She lives with her son and his wife, they have a handi cap daughter and small small son  They seem like nice people but who knows behind closed doors. Does anyone else have any other suggestions.

I just discovered this website and these discussions and just wanted to thank all of you for your comments.  Many of them have been very helpful.  I am most comforted by the fact that there are others out there going through similar situations as mine.  My mom is 86 and has had one TIA about a year ago and more recently a small stroke.  Although she recovered from the stroke with minimum damage, she can no longer be left alone 24/7 and needs supervision with her meals as she is no longer able to safely prepare them by herself.  I have one sister who recently retired to take care of my mom and then I try to provide the "respite" care when possible.  My mom has always been a very cold and hurtful person, so my sister and I have had a lifetime of dealing with her rejection, her meanness and her personality changes.  She tries to play us against each other and tells each of us, as well as other family members that we said things we didn't say!

I do have a couple of comments/suggestions that might help.  One is to encourage everyone who is going through similar situations to just keep trying.   All of the suggestions about MRIs and checking medications, etc. are very good.  I don't think anyone really has an answer and you just have to keep trying until you find something that works.

To Suze, I just want to say that if you are still working for that woman after ten months, you are to be commended.  I think any threats of hurting someone, etc., should always be taken seriously and I agree that her family needs to know about her behavior.  The suggestion of making a video or at least taping some of her episodes was very good in case no one believes you.  You also do need to take care of yourself and not be in the house with this woman 24/7.

Another suggestion is to do your best not to take these episodes personally.  I've found that my mother has her "mean" episodes when she is not feeling well, when she is in pain and/or when she is really depressed or anxious over something.  I've come to realize that she struggles greatly over the concept of her decline in being able to do for herself and with her possible death.  She is extremely resentful of my sister because my sister "has" to help her now and she aims a lot of her anger and bitterness at my sister for this reason.  She accuses us of "just sitting around watching her and waiting for her to die," but I've come to realize that is her own personal struggle and feelings, so when she makes those accusations, I try to talk to her about them.

Also, keep the communication open between yourself and other family members or the family you are working for.  My sister and I have an "agreement" not to believe anything my mother tells us about the other person and we stay in constant contact with each other.  My mother hates the fact that we talk to each other, but some things are just necessary.

Lastly, God has called us to love one another, even the ugliest of people, and I believe He has called us to care for our elderly ourselves and not stick them in nursing homes unless absolutely necessary.  He will give us the strength and wisdom we need each day.  Through my relationship with him I have come to learn how to "love" people like my mom who are often unlovable!  With His help and His strength, I can do all things....even suffer my mom's abuse without being personally hurt or wounded.  When I take myself out of the picture and focus more on the source of her meanness and what she must be going through, I am able to cope.  I encourage anyone who is going through this with an elderly person, to get involved in some kind of support group or have a good group of friends to talk to, and certainly the FAMILY of any elderly person who is being abusive should be informed!  God bless you all and remember -- you are not alone!

Thanks Ohmickie, and welcome to the site! 

3rdgirl;

My 57 yr old husband had progessive dementia from a brain injury 2 yrs ago. He also throws heavy objects and smashes glass. I've put most of my valuables away in closets. Need to get them all away. One of my favorite lamps, my electric kettle, and a favorite painting lay sitting waiting to be repaired. I just picked up the sheraton style chair from the furniture repair man. He is breaking things faster than I can get them repaired or replaced. When he was hospitalized I repainted all the rooms. Now we have dents in all the walls from flying objects. Yesterday I was washing orange juice of the bedroom walls and floor.

I've started spreding his medications out through the day which helps some. I also treat him with kid gloves at night. I'd never heard of the term 'sun downing'. I thought it was only my husband who became violent at night. I have no answer, only comissuration

This sounds EXACTLY like what I have been going through in my home as well. I talked to my mothers Doctor many times about this problem. Finally I asked him, isnt there something that you can give her that just takes off the edge of some of her brutality? He said he would perscribe something, and IT WORKS LIKE A CHARM. Its not heavy medication that makes her dopey, but rather a mild anelgesic (spelling?) that really does take the edge off and makes it so that I can talk to her in a rational manner without her screaming obscenities and trying to hit me. Usually after she takes her meds in the morning she is still BAD but by the time that the meds kick in she becomes more rational in her thinking and is able to relax while talking to us. THANK GOD FOR THIS MEDICATION! My  mother not only has had a stroke but is dealing with an inoperable brain tumor that is pressing on the frontal lobe of her brain....yes, the part that actually controlls reason, personality etc. So I would heartely suggest that you speak with your mother or fathers doctors about offering you something that will help them relax just a bit. Life with someone with a stroke is not easy, but there are meds out there that can help!

Debby

DebbyC- Please tell us what the name of the med is. I think that is OK. My husband takes Depekene, a form of Valproic acid syrup. This is widely used for brain injuries, although originally just for Epilepsy.  It soothes the chronic pain of the brain trauma and settles his personality. I've been increasing it which seems to help, and spreading it eavenly through out the day. I know what you mean about the meanness and profanity. It does hurt.

DebbyC- Please tell us what the name of the med is. I think that is OK. My husband takes Depekene, a form of Valproic acid syrup. This is widely used for brain injuries, although originally just for Epilepsy.  It soothes the chronic pain of the brain trauma and settles his personality. I've been increasing it which seems to help, and spreading it eavenly through out the day. I know what you mean about the meanness and profanity. It does hurt.

The med name is LORAZEPAM. She gets a dosage of 0.5 mg twice daily. As I said once the medicine kicks in....she is much easier to tak to and seems more cooperative and less aggressive! I hope this works for you as well. Let me know. GOOD LUCK

As frustrating as it is to care for someone with dementia, we never forget that we love them and are happy to help and do for them.  However, I learned that after a while, you neglect yourself and become too tired to cope with this alone.  No matter what you do or how much you give of yourself, there comes a time when a person has had enough of abusive behavior..even if intellectually you know, its dementia, or an interaction to medication,.pain, etc.... All threats are to be taken seriously...like I said I learned, that eventually this escalates and you do not want to be in a situation where you cannot help yourself. or you are in danger because you thought the person who had dementia, drug reaction, pain, depression etc. would really never hurt you....Been there, done that....you need help...a support is a good place to start, but you need to get out there for your sanity, your safety and best  case scenario: To better help the person you are caring for. I hope this helps.

my  mom was on too much b/p pills and her heart acted up as anxiety, they put her on Seroquel and then Zoloft.  She developed tremors and seizures, was taken off most of meds and only on one B/P now.  She is starting to be more cooperative.

 Elderly can not break down meds well and they are not metabolized properly and give them side effects.  Zoloft can cause tremors in the elderly.

A kidney Dr. would help to see how the body is digesting the pills but can't get a referral because her lab work is fine.... Although she does have low sodium and low potassium now and frequent UTI, itching and other symptoms of kidney.