Hi Suze,

Welcome to Caring's groups.  I'm really glad you posted.  Unfortunately, I don't have any great advice for you, but I'm hopeful someone else will.  We've got lots of great folks here!

I know it's got to be really unsettling to deal with physical threats.  You're amazing for looking for support rather than quitting.  This gal's family must be so appreciative to have you caring for their mom!

Hi Suze,  Wowzer, that sounds really frustrating. 

I've not been in that position, and know that at a certain point, there seems to be no way to communicate with someone with dementia.  But something popped into my head, so I thought I'd put it out there.... don't really know if it would work.  If you can talk with her - ignoring the fact that she has dementia.... because clearly she is able to self-moderate somewhat.. and assume for a moment that she is a rational person.. (and this has to be authentic -)  I would say something like.  'I'm hearing you express your rage and frustration to me.  I'm glad you are feeling comfortable enough with me to be open with your feelings.  You know that I care for you, and I'd like to help as much as I can.  Is there anything that I can do to help. (And somewhere in here its important to express the truth of the situation... That there may not be anything you or she can do, but just to listen and care.....  and to say this truthfully to her...)"  Anyway I'd say all this with no expectation that she will respond coherently at that moment,but that on some level she does hear you.

Maybe off base... don't know, but interested to hea your thoughts or others about it.   Good luck!!!

That sounds like it would be very difficult to live with! I think it's good that you recognize when it happens, so you are prepared for being able to ignore it when she starts in.

I also wanted to invite you over to the Alzheimer's and Dementia group here: http://www.caring.com/community/groups/alzheimers-support  so you can talk with others in similar situations.

All the best to you!

Oh my, that sounds unbelievably upsetting. You've gotten some great advice already, but I thought I'd add my two cents' worth...

Have you talked to her family about this? If not, I would suggest you do so right away. She may benefit from an evaluation by a neurologist or even a psychiatrist. Sometimes depression can manifest as anger and aggression; I wonder about her rapid "turnaround" when her children come over. At the very least, they need to know about her behavior towards you.

Is it possible that she's had a stroke? That might explain her dramatic change in behavior, and it's another reason a neurologist should probably see her.

Last, but certainly not least: you need to take care of yourself, too. As much as you may care for this woman -- and your love certainly shines through in your post -- no one can endure this kind of abuse without help for long.

I'll be sending you good thoughts in the meantime, but please let us know how things go.

Wow my 88 year old dad seems to be going through a similar thing.  In the morning he berates my mom accusing her of having affairs (not true).  This goes on every day I understand.  When we call and talk to them he sounds very rational but insists that he wants to tell us "his story."  We're at our wits end, but I like some of the ideas that have been suggested.  I think we just have to take the time to listen to him and assure him of our love.  I wish though that there was a way to make it stop.  I'm looking for help too!

Hi Suze, My Mom was a loving, caring person most of her life. Then she started acting out. At first my Dad would tell us about it, we weren't very helpful. we would say, what are you doing to make her mad. she was so nice to all of us when we came to see them.

About 8 years ago I moved them in with me to care for them. After a short time passed Mom started to turn on me also. She would even tell me she hated me. Then if someone came in she would put on this smile and be her sweet self for their benifit.

We started looking into what was causing this. Over time we came to find out there was a steriod in one of her medications. We changed it for another medication with no steriod. 

It worked. We stared looking at the time factor that the anger came on and they were in conjuction with the taking of these meds also. For the last year of Mothers life we were anger free.

I don't know if this information will help ,but it is another direction to look at.   

Wow Nita!  That's great information.  Definitely food for thought.  Thanks for posting your experience!

I agree with the steroid theory.  I take care of my mother and she had some large fluid filled cyst type lesions on both legs that came out of the blue.  When I took her to her PCP who specializes in geriatric, she said it was Bullous something and it could be treated with steroids, however, she does not like to give 93 year old people steroids. She said as they age, less is better with medication. I just had to clean them with saline and cover them and they would run their course which they did.  We have cut in half her medications and she does well. Dementia but still at home and she can still walk with a walker. I do change her Depends and clean her up but I realize I do need someone to help me.  That is why I happen to be searching and found this site.  I am still working full time but when I get home this weekend, I will be looking at the site for advice.

Hi Suze:  Sounds like a pretty stressful situation, and I do have a few pieces of advice.  First, don't keep any guns in the house!  OK, ok, that was just to make you smile.  I hope it worked.

Sounds like she is scared because of the changes made around her if there was a recent move, even if it's for the better.  The other clue is the ability to have a rapid emotional change to hide her animosity if a family member calls or comes by.  I can certainly understand the tension this may cause since I go through similar episodes myself with one of the ladies I currently care for.  I would first talk to her immediate family members, to at least alert them of this behavior.  You would probably feel pretty foolish if you made an offhand comment to a family member about this irrational behavior and then it didn't surface whenever they were around.  It might make you feel like it appeared you weren't telling the truth about her, so it's best to fully explain this to her immediate family members at a time when you have a few minutes to have an informative discussion with them - not when you are trying to explain why she was acting one way just a moment ago and now she's completely different.  I would also check with her medical providers for advice and to see if there would be any benefit to adjusting whatever medication she may be currently taking.  I have seen this course of action work very well myself even in such medications as OTC pain relievers, blood pressure medications, etc., but I certainly wouldn't do so without the supervision of that person's doctor.

Good luck dealing with this, and remember to do what I have learned through experience:  take care of  yourself first.  You are of help to no one if you are not feeling well both physically and emotionally. 

What great ideas!! I know this has to be hard on you but I had to add my thoughts about meds, especially steroids..

I have rheumatoid arthritis and have taken steroids, actually prednisone and it can alter your mood..Of course for me I know that it can alter my mood and so I just go off by myself until it passes  but in your case that would be impossible..

If the doc has her on something like steroids or a mood altering drug , maybe you could talk to him about either changing the drug or changing the time of day that she takes them..

I agree with the others that maybe a talk with the doc could give you some answers as to why she seems to have this behavior change..

Mu grandmothers mood sometimes changed after a TIA and she would become a different person for a while but eventually she would be herself again..

I am sending positive thoughts your way and hoping things get better for both of you!

What concerns me from your post is that the children seem unaware of the problem and this is not good for you, their mother - or them.  I am an only child who cares for an 85 year old father with vascular dementia. I'm also a left-leg amputee who gets around on crutches. I live next door to my Dad for 6 months of the year - and live 1800 miles away for the other 6 months. I hired some excellent help for him and they have become like good friends. I ask about his behavior as well as his health and daily living and they feel free to speak openly with me. Together we figure out solutions for various problems as they arise. No one should have to deal with abuse, even if it comes from someone with a handicap.

 mom is the same way , until someone comes over and we do nothing for , as she puts it she is a younger woman 67 she keeps on the im not crazy act well we do all we can and i belive some of hers is a act for attention so everyone treats her as all is the same and it makes her angry.So far she hasnt treaten us with a gun but we lived with her abuse as children and now we treat her better than she ever treated us and by the way she has 3 guns and 22rifle that i feel should be taken befor she hurts us or herself because she always threaten to kill herself as i was a small child i rember her fighting overloaded guns and now everyone has given her new ones i guess i will soon take them but i m the youngest of 2 women,so we try to work together  with my sister. Mom has learned to lie and try to keep my sister and I on outs but we learned to talk and have a dailey meeting making sure what is what,her anger comes and goes as if it never happen so i just try to love her as she is and sometimes all i can do is step back and have a good laugh and my sister crys , i refuse to let her behavior kill my spirt but i always watch my back good luck you are doing all you can and love will bring you to be a stronger person.

I can relate to some of this.  My mom is in assisted living and has dementia.  She was diagnosed with alzheimer's for years but now we (the family and the hospice nurse) have come to the conclusion that she has vascular dementia.  She sometimes has hallucinations and gets belligerent but many times we have learned it is caused by a urinary tract infection.  When it gets treated she gets much better.  Also, it seemed some of the meds caused some of this aggression.  Go online and check ALL of the side effects of any meds.  Also, definitely get the guns out of the house.  My dad had episodes of dementia and was on many meds for multiple health problems and shot and killed himself fourteen years ago.  We had already taken one gun out before this happened but didn't get this one in time.  I hope this info helps.

Oh gosh, I'm so sorry about your dad.  I definitely agree with removing guns from the house. 

I wish there were a public announcement telling people about the frequency of URINARY TRACT INFECTIONS IN THE ELDERLY and the symptoms that go along with it.  My mom has Alzheimers or Vascular Dementia . . . her symptoms worsened significantly the past few months.   A friend of mine suggested that she may have a urinary tract infection and should be checked for it.  I finally managed to get mom to the hospital and she did, indeed, have a UTI.  The nurse informed me that the symptoms of a UTI in the elderly are different from the symptoms of a younger person.  Their sympoms are extremely similar to dementia (they act crazy!) plus their balance is off, so 80% of falls are attributable to a UTI !!  Who knew????  My mom was treated with antibiotics and is pretty much acting like her old self again!!!! 

Please spread the word!  If your parent seems to have the symptoms of dementia and is walking a bit off balance, get them checked for a UTI as soon as possible!!!!!

A UTI certainly can escalate behaviors and cause erratic mood shifts in some elderly people, but not all.  Many medications do have side effects to cause behavior changes and steroids would be at the top of the list, plus there are interactions between medications that sometimes cause changes.  Another factor to consider, the older people are the more likely they are to suffer from an accumulated overdose on maintenance medications they may have been taking routinely for years without suffering any adverse effects at all.  Sundowners is also a common cyclical complication of many forms of dementia and it most often manifests in the afternoon / evening hours but that's not written in stone either and can happen at other times of the day in certain individuals.  Several organic brain syndromes may also cause a disrupted sleep pattern on top of the mood swings, so there are cases that without behavior modification medications the outbursts typically occur very late at night into the wee hours of the morning ... and those often have psychotic features that may include full blown hallucinations.  In short, there's no simple answer that works on everybody and a thorough assessment with blood and urine screening is a great place to start, followed by a complete pharmacological review ... and don't leave out testing for theraputic drug levels to assist in making any dosage adjustments that may be necessary.  Then, if you still haven't found the answer it's trial and error time, including altering diet, sleep schedules, and finally behavior modification medications as needed.  Welcome to my world ... the world of nursing where you always hope you'll stumble on the solution that's just right for that particular individual.  Oh yeah, and add a huge measure of patience because it typically takes several days on all the lab work you need plus the necessary consultations ... and in the event that you must resort to trial and error only change one thing at a time, let two or three days pass to observe the effects over time, then if that wasn't effective move on to changing something else.  I know family's hate to hear this, but it's a process that typically takes weeks to resolve these kinds of issues.  But who knows, you might get lucky and find the problem in your initial set of labs ... regardless, the important thing is don't give up.  Network with anybody and everybody and remember that no matter how disagreeable a dementia patient can be for the most part you are dealing with the disease, not the person.

That's wonderful advice jaded_heart. Thank you so much for sharing your information with us!

It helps to hear your stories, I thought I was the only one.  My situtation is a little different as my 80 year old father has not focused his anger on my yet and he has been in my care for 2 years, however, he does very mean and hateful things to my young adult sons, my husband and my teen age son he despises.  Don't know how it will progress but when he is angry he is out of control and engages in dangerous behavior (throwing glass objects and heavy items at people). If anyone has experienced this focused rage and has any solutions I welcome the advice.

3rd girl - your father's issues are very problematic but not unique.  I don't know the answer but it does bring to mind a very similar story.  One of my best friends experienced similar focused bouts of rage from her elderly mother aimed at her two children (boy and a girl).  It started right after her mother's health took a sudden and dramatic turn for the worse (brain anyurism complicated by a series of debillitating strokes).  Her mother was left with mobility issues requiring use of a walker for ambulation and a severe speech deficit she was never able to overcome in the twelve years she lived after the strokes.  Where she had previously been a fit and physically active, very independant person she could no longer drive, speak clearly, or move about freely enough to even provide for her own basic needs without assistance.  Talk about anger issues ... episodes of unadulterated rage were common the first few years and gradually waned over time.  I honestly don't know if my friend's mother came to terms with her disability or gradually lost the strength required for a really good bout of rage, but I suspect it was a combination of both.  A couple of years into it I encouraged my friend to let her mother fulfill the role of being her mother (rather than her dependant child) for at least a few moments every evening.  In their case, my friend who had previously leaned heavily on her mother's advice about daily problems, began sitting down with her mother and having (albeit one sided) discussions about the trials and tribulations of her day ... giving her mother the opportunity to nod sympathetically and pat her hand or offer a hug.  It wasn't a miracle cure but my friend did see a decrease in the frequency and fury of aggression aimed at her children.  I think it gave mother and daughter a common ground to begin communicating about many of the hard issues the final days bring with them.

That sounds like my mother to a tea; just mean and hateful but has been for years, although now she has dementia and is in a nursing home. I would have her live here but with threats of killing me and accusations of stealing from her, plus outrageous anger outbursts wherein she'll throw and bust up everything in sight, it is just not doable; nor would assisted living.  Right now she wants to go home but her home is in a physical and financial mess. I have loved her and tried to help her all my life, but I am at wits end and beginning to become numb to her insults and aner....after years of allowing her to tear my heart out. Bible says to be careful what you hear....Harmful and hurtful words can do much damage. I'd find another job.  This is probably why the family has hired someone rather than take her in with them.

Darlenej - It's so heartbreaking for all of you.  I watch my husband struggle with his elderly father's anger issues ... like you I think he's becoming numb to the string of verbal assaults that always await.  The numbness becomes a matter of simple survival after a while even though the guilt lingers on... nothing seems to numb that aspect for any of us.  My husband goes home to visit them less and less no matter how much I encourage him and deep inside I can't really blame him.  It's a sad situation.  Numbness defends against the hurts but it also dulls the connection they once had.  I sure wish there were answers for all of us, but it doesn't seem there are.

wow, it could be couple of things, I would definately have the meds checked. But is she suffering from Dementia or Altheimers? If so, this very childish behavior and threatening could be part of it. BUt your life shouldn't suffer because she is like this. I would maybe look for another position.

I AM GOING CRAZY. I have my own problems. Anyway, I love my family. In a nushell, my mom is 75 and in May 2008 had a mild TIA stroke. In no time she was better and back to herself but I knew she needed rest cos she seemed tired anyway and sometimes a bit of weakness would return to her right arm. I don't live at home. What makes it worse is my Dad has Parkinsons and is no help to himself but he did do his best and he cooked but the minute he thought Mum was back to normal, he stopped. My brother in from the Uk, who is there temporarily with his wife and kids said suddenly last week she seemed to be out of it, incoherent, forgetful, aggressive, angry, snapping and confused.

I said take her to a doctor and get the MRI and blood test and cardiovascular tests. Nobody did that. With a TIA, the first thing to do is check the brain for a bleed or clot but noooooooooo.  Then the last two weeks have been hell (likely more hell for her too). She had blood tests - grave;s disease , her skin (she is caucasian/olive) is like the coour orange; then another endocrinologists says seems like she has dementia as well but I can't get the siblings (I have two) to get the MRI ! Why do they have to wait on a doctor to tell them to get it when they can ask him to write it up. Meanwhile my Mum is forgetting everything. By the way, her mom died at 96 of Alzeimers so I am so frustrated.

My dad, who seems to be in denial, said he did not even ask her the results. She must be so hurt. She has forgotten the name of the cat, has no interest in anything and I am so hurt and sad and it is Christmas too.

I love everyone in this picture but we need piwer of attorney, need to know everything and she is also acting paranoid.

OH God!

Mom was never sick a day in all my 44 years and I am also wary of telling my daughter who has had trials already and is now settled in the Uk with a job and doing well. When is the right time.

HELP!!!

This is me again, I'm not anymous. Here I am!

I wrote info immediately above. My error.