My mom is 91. She grew up in home where she developed no or low self esteem. It has been a real struggle with mom all these years (my 61, my sister 66) - she has always had uncontrolled anger outbursts, she has lied, fibbed or manipulated situation to fit her reality - this was all just growing up and adult life. My sis and I just had to deal with it. Now, as I said she is 91 in a real nice assisted living facility - that she wanted to go to. She is lucky and has no medical problems that require any med's at all. Because of her personality problems, she has two sisters - one older, one younger, who have not spoke to her in years.
She now doesn't want to use our family (her married) name.... insisted the facility only put on her first on the name plaque next to her door. - Don't want anyone to think I'm Mexican.. omg, this is so outrageous I cannot believe the facility succumbed to her choice. On the bio they let her write, she wrote; she married a man named James and two daughters and he died shortly thereafter, I guess those 30+ years in between didn't exist.
How can i now deal with her rudeness, bossiness and just unreasonable demands.
I am beginning to hate her more every day, and I never felt like this before. I just figured she's our mom and manuvered the mine field of being her daughter growing up. I know the diagnosis, I know I should cajole her, after 61 years this is hard. She was a woman who grew up with no love and therefore gave none.
Help, thanks for letting me vent.
Hi j9r,
Welcome to Caring's groups. I'm glad you found us and posted.
It really sounds like you've got your hands full with your mom. As I read your post, one question came to mind. Are you "fighting" the battles that really need fighting? For example, is it really a big deal if she doesn't have her last name on her name plaque or neglected to mention your dad was with her for 30 years? Don't get me wrong. Manipulating truth to fit one's reality IS a problem. I believe in resolving it. But at your mom's age and in her situation, I can't help but to wonder if it's worth the emotional effort for you. It's got to be exhausting! And unfortunately, it sounds like it doesn't have a big pay-off that makes it worth it.
I wonder if a better course of action is to, essentially, ignore the things she does or says that would normally make your blood pressure rise and just focus on appreciating anything good. For example, when she told you she had her assisted living facility take her last name off her plaque, maybe it would have been good to shrug and say something like, "that's an odd choice, but okay." Maybe the less attention she gets, the less she'll act out?
This advice may not apply at all to you and your mom, but I wanted to throw it out there. 
Please always feel free to come here and vent. We're definitely here for you!
To Jr9 in support of missi’s talk
Hi
Returning the favor is care giving to senior citizens. To achieve victory, one must use softer words and be submissive. Since no one is above aging one must do this job with the respect it deserves. I am 41 and have not managed to learn to be submissive or soft spoken yet; is a big failure I need to correct ASAP. Have a great day.
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