Dealing with it

Boy, this sounds hard. I totally appreciate your duty and wanting to do right by your parents. (I too bear the responsible cross.) YOU can't do it all though.

I think you can only do as much as you can; you can't control your siblings; they just may not do as you'd like.

Please be there for your teenage children.

Have you looked into a local Area Agency on Aging; we have listings on the site here: http://www.caring.com/local/area-agencies-on-agings. There may be programs or help for your dad. I know that not everyone will do this as well as you, but you do need to take care of yourself and your kids. It's not being selfish to leave a bit of time for your family.

Have you tried: - giving your sibs really specific directions: like finding a ride service for your dad? - letting yourself get a little silly and seeing if, in levity, you can find other solutions? - any neighborhood kids interested in nursing or gerontology who might want a part-time job?

Thanks so much for finding us and sharing your situation.

Thank you for your suggestions, just being heard helps so much. People who haven't been in the caregiver situation don't understand, they think it is wonderful to take care of parents, they haven't experienced the pain of watching them decline day after day. I think the emotional part is hardest for me. It just rips my heart out.

We hired a service for my Mom to cook meals and do laundry for the last couple of years of her life, which helped on the workload, but my Dad got rid of them. He doesn't like strangers in the house. I wish he would have kept them. I know anyone could do as good of a job as me, probably better. I just need to convince my Dad of that.

You're right about not being able to control my siblings. I guess I feel like Cinderella...

You are a very loving daughter who is doing her best. My Mom didn't like strangers in the house either and it didn't help that the first two caregivers didn't work out!! We took it slowly and found the right match. Meals on Wheels also was a big help. My Mom was also angry with me because I talked to her doctor alone after a visit. He felt my Mom was depressed and started her on Celexa. The medication for depression takes about 6-weeks to work. What a big difference in her behavior!!We had the doctor tell her she could no longer drive and that she had to accept help if she wanted to stay in her home. I don't know if your Dad has a Will or Advance Directives. If he does send a copy to each of your siblings. Maybe one could check the house once a month to see if it is in good condition.Or have a meeting to see if they are willing to do anything a couple times a month. Let them know you are not going to be able to do as much as you did for your Mom. Any time that they could give would save your Dad money so he could stay in his home. Many people don't realize how much Assisted Living cost. Good Luck!!

Have you tried any local nursing students? THey may be interested in helping and won't charge as much as a home caregiver. Do you have a school of nursing near you? Or perhaps you could contact the local hospitals to see if there may be someone. Also, do you have any children in your family that may be willing to stay with grandpa for a couple of hours? My granddaughter stayed overnight with mom and she is 14 and really liked the extra money.

I have a brother-in-law that said his sister called him and his brother up and told them both, "I'm done! You take care of her. I'm not taking her the store anymore. I'm not checking in on her, cleaning, driving her, etc, etc."
His wife called me up and told me the story and was saying how horrible she was for doing this. I being one who takes care of my mother replied, "What all was she doing for her mother?" His wife replied, "we have no idea." Which I told her, it wasn't the sister that is horrible, it's her two brothers that don't have a clue as to the time and care that has been put into taking care of THEIR mother. I followed up with, "why they weren't asking their sister what they needed to do and what was being done?" The wife replied, "oh you're right." Now both of the brothers are scambling trying to figure out what to do. They have both finally stepped up to the plate.
I guess people will let you do everything if you will just do it. Even if it means that they have to listen to "complain". Since you have already done this for your mother maybe it's time to call each of them up or write a letter and politely tell them you are done, and actually follow through with it. Let them know what kind of care your father needs (like house cleaning because he doesn't/can't clean) etc. Give them ideas when asked but don't be the one who actually does anything.

I have to set this boundry with my siblings all the time. I have been taking care of my mother for years, they can take care of our father. After all, there are 6 of us I think the other 5 can handle it.

Hi, Yes, I've had a similar experience with my siblings. My sister has accused me of being "a messed up person," etc. whenever I try to talk to her about issues related to Mom and Dad. My parents are in their late 70s and doing pretty good, but there are issues that could lead to a need for more fulltime care. My one sister and brother just don't seem to understand that if we don't begin helping out more now, it will just be harder later. My sister drops in for a few minutes or an hour every month or two. I live 3,000 miles away and have spent about 6 weeks with my parents in the last year. She can't or won't talk to me anymore about ways she and my brother could help. She lives 4 hours away and can't/won't be bothered. She even told me that if I wrote her she would "rip up the letters unopened." My other sister, who helps more but is a single mom with a 7 year old son, thinks it's guilt. Who knows. But it has only been since I've been more concerned with my parents health and the fact that we need to be there more for them that she has become so defensive and angry. And THEN she accuses me of being the one who is angry. I try to talk to her reasonably, but no matter what I say, she reacts badly. So, I understand your situation. However, after all you did for your mom, I do think you need to think about your teenagers. I have a 15 year old and I also feel caught in the middle. I'm the oldest daughter and want to (feel like I should be) the one to take the lead on this. But my son needs me too.

Yep, I am in the same situation with my Dad. I live with him and have for 15 years- my siblings just figure since I am here it is my job. The last 3 years he had needed more and more help and they are hardly ever over, and never to really help- just visit for a couple hours. And they are aware of how much I have to do and how bad off he is. But, if they were over more, it would just be more stress for me and my Dad, not help. They can barely take care of themselves, oh and they say it's too difficult emotionally for them to see Dad like this... !!!!! yeah try living with it!! But it has gotten better for me, thank goodness I practice meditation and yoga, I have been able to get some emotional distance from his disabilities. I know I am doing all I can, and that's all I can do. He's not going to get better, only get worse. So I have really learned to take life one day at a time!! And always always, carve out some space to do what is good for me. I try to encourage him to do what he can do instead of being waited on or catered to just because he likes it. And I have finally accepted that my siblings are not going to change and getting angry with them is self distructive for me. I just have to let it go ! But yeah, it is a real shame when people can't step up for their own parents. (And they only live like 25 mi. away.) My Dad has insurance and some VA benefits- but I feel like it's a full time job with all the phone calls TRYING to get as much benefits as possible. I just do what I can do. It always feels like I need to do more, but I know that is just my Dad anxiety at his illness, which has no cure and only some relief from medication. I have to accept his illness, kind of secretly, knowing that he can't.

Thank you so much for your replies. It gives me comfort to know that I am not the only one dealing with a situation like this. It is very difficult to see a parent's health decline. I have asked and asked for help, they choose not to help, they will have to live with that. With the help of this website and the kind people here, maybe I will be able to cope better. Thank you.