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Battling Burnout.........so weary.........

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              I am caregiver for my 87 year-old Aunt, also partial caregiver for my 76 year-mom who lives in a retirement apt. close by.  On top of this I have my own family, My husband and a 14 year old son, which can be a real rollercoaster ride in itself. My Aunt has been diagnosed with some dementia, personality disorder and has medical issues with her legs. She has suffered two major breaks in her right leg in the last  six years. Right now, she has a stress fracture in the same leg, lower down. Also a stress fracture in the other leg. She underwent another bonescan this past week because the Dr. feels there might be a problem with the plate he put in during the last surgery two years ago. Overall, as bad as all that is, she has still managed to be able to get around on her walker and wheelchair, so she can still get out some weekly. However, she is not the most positive person. Even though, the Dr. calls her dementia early stage, some days I think I'm going to go crazy! She has a few set subjects she talks about everyday. Most of them poor me's, or dealing with circumstances she should leave alone. She repeats the same exact dialogue everyday. Also from time to time, she makes very strange noises out of no where, appears to be carrying on a low conversation with herself or someone who is not there. Forgetfulness is a problem somewhat, for things she should remember, but, not such a problem for things she should forget. Alot of times she seems like shes in her own little world. Knowing her history, as a person who is very attention seeking and the fact that the Dr. says her dementia is early stage, It's hard to know what is really going on with her. The Dr's never really  want to talk much about all of the really strange behaviors she has going on. On  top of this I am caring for her nearly 15 year-old toy poodle who is now completely blind, has senility issues, wears a diaper and still can't be left out completely because she will mess up the floor, even with the diaper on. She has outbursts of uncontrolled barking, which is why I'm up right now. She started at 3:00am. This poor dog has no quality of life and has'nt for over a year. When out of her crate she bumps into everything. My Aunt has'nt really paid much attention to her since she became blind. I don't think she really cares that much about her except for the fact that she feels that she is the last thing she has left of the memory of her husband. I love animals, I have three dogs of my own. But to me it seems it is time to have Marcie put to sleep. She is pitiful. My Aunt is very much resistant to this and falls apart if it is mentioned. I've tried to talk with her about this approx. three times in the last year. None of these attempts went well. I am growing so weary with the extra care of this dog. At this point, my Aunt is no help with her. I would never force the issue and act without my Aunt's consent as far as having her put down. It just seems she could reason this out on her own. I'm growing so weary with it all. I mean let's face it ,as caregivers alone we have alot to do and a family too. How much further can I go with this dog and her?...........If you have any words of wisdom or encouragement I would greatly appreciate any feedback. I hate to complain, I know some of you have far more critical care situations going on than I do. I know that I am blessed. Just in a valley right now.......... Thank You and May God Bless all of You.

                                                                                                                         Melissa


 
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Hi Melissa!  I am new here too, but I saw your post and really wanted to reach out to you!  It sounds like you are going through such a tough time.  I also care for my parents who are 80 and 84, however, they are still somewhat independent in their own home with lots of help from me.  I am a social worker and worked in a nursing home for quite a few years and saw a lot of dementia patients.  My dad also has the beginnings of dementia.  Very often dementia patients will yell out or mumble--they can't control that.  Hopefully, it won't get much worse for your aunt because sometimes the chanting can go on for hours.  Often a good dementia unit in a nursing home is the best option because quiet and low stimulus will help people with dementia.  Also, the dog issue must be very hard to deal with too.  In my opinion, a person with dementia will probably never be able to make that decision and it doesn't sound like she can.  I love animals too and know how hard it would be, but I would visit with the vet about putting her to sleep.  The dog is obviously suffering and if it was my parents in this situation, I would feel like I had to make the decision for them because they weren't able too. I would tell my parent that their dog passed away in it's sleep.  I know how hard this can be, but you also have to take care of yourself too.  I will bet that your vet maybe has dealt with similar situations and might have some advice for you. Please know that you are not alone! I hope that I have helped a little and hope to talk to you again!!

Julie


 
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Hi Julie,

          Thank You for responding, It sounds like you definetly understand the dementia situation. It is like chanting in a way. I guess, it's just so strange to me how at some times she seems like she's as cognitive as anyone else, when things are going on that is. I normally notice this chanting when shes sitting alone or riding in the car mainly. She complains of being lonely ,even though there is something going on here most all of the time. My Mom, her Sister comes and plays cards with her alot. However, as soon as she leaves, or after I take her for an outing and we return home, she falls right back into the negative, complaining and feelings of loneliness. In the last five years, we've moved her from So. Georgia, all of our home state,here to Tennessee where we were transferred almost 7 years ago. When I first got her here we moved her into an assisted living. She stayed a couple of months and wanted to return back to her home in Ga. We took her one weekend, she had a mental breakdown as soon as we walked back into the house, and ended up in the hospital for a week. Of course, after that we brought her back, to the Assisted living again. She stayed there about two years, was'nt happy, with her room, moved rooms after a year. Still was'nt happy. We then moved her to a new Assisted Living, she moved twice in the two years she was in that one. Finally after she continued saying she wanted to be with family, we decided to move into a private residence with her. We sold our home. After everything we've been through, I thought this would be the answer for us all. Before, I was trying to work and stay over there, do Dr's appts. for her and my Mom and was ragged. So in a lot of ways this was a better move for us all. Only ,she still says she's lonely like she said she was at the assisted livings, though she keeps saying she needs to be around people. When she was, she would'nt participate in any activities or reach out to make friends very well. She has made several comments to my Mom, that if it was'nt for her dog, she would go back to the last facility she was in. Boy!!!!! Does that make my head spin, just thinking about it makes me dizzy.........I want to do the right thing for everyone involved. My Mom feels this remark is just some of her idle talk and just part of the fact that she will never be happy anywhere. I have'nt planned on another move, unless, she gets to the point where we can no longer care for her properly................As far as the dog goes, I do appreciate your advice also. I discussed that idea with my husband, he too, says that, that would probably be the best thing, to talk with the vet about putting her down. It's very sad, but in my heart I do feel that it's the best for all. It's just hard to make that decision without alot of thought, and without the imput of others. You know as well as I do, as a caregiver you can get so exhausted sometimes you don't feel that you are thinking straight. You really helped me to gain a little more perspective on my situations. Thank you so much.

                  As far as your parents go, Is your Mother in good health? I know you said your Father is in early stage dementia. Does he seem pretty cognitive alot of the time too? ............................Hope to hear from you again soon, .....................Once again, I'm very grateful to you for lending an ear and your heart!

                                                     Melissa


 
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Hi Melissa!  I am glad that my post helps a little.  Probably your aunt's restlessness and unhappiness has more to do with her dementia than where she is living.  While I was at the nursing home we had a wide range of Alzhemers and dementia patients.  Some would talk very little and some were very loud. They would often wander a lot too. They would tend to get more aggitated around suppertime which is called "sundowner's syndrome" for dementia/Alzheimer's patients.  Some were content but quite a few weren't and I suspect your aunt's unhappiness is mainly a result of  her dementia.  You and your family are doing everything you can for her even if she isn't able to see it.  I saw so many families get burned out caring for loved ones at home, so make sure you take time for yourself too!  You are doing the right thing with her dog too.  She wouldn't want it to suffer either if she were thinking clearly.  Sometimes those hard decisions have to be made for the benefit of everyone.

My dad has the beginnings of dementia and has his good days and days that he is more forgetful.  He also has diabetes which has been hard to control.  My mom had been in pretty good health up until about a year ago when her kidneys started failing.  We are looking at dialysis pretty soon for her I fear and it is such a scary prospect for all of us.  She is still sharp but her body is failing and it is the saddest things watching your parents slowly fail.  I am worried about dialysis and am going to post on the main board if anyone can give me some tips with it.  I have read a lot about it, but it is still pretty "foreign" to us.  To top it off I am running their business which should have been sold years ago and now with the economy, it probably won't sell for a while.  I don't mind, but it is an extra stess for mom when she is 80 and dad has totally disengaged from it. My sister and brother live in other cities and don't help out much. I hope that I can get some feedback about the dialysis. There weren't many on it when I was at the nursing home. I also have my family here at home with a daughter who is 10 and one who is 15.  Luckily, my husband is very supportive through all of this.  Thanks for listening and hope to talk to you again!!  Take care!!

Julie


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