'Are you getting the help you need from your siblings?' posted by Granny2Grandsons @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Granny2Grandsons — Tue, 14 Sep 2010 03:39:26 -0000

Dear sbean,

I too have written off my family - the "oldest sibling" that didn't like what Mom did with her assets and took my brother to Court. I became part of the lawsuit when it came out on a "change in Court date" because of his surgery for bladder cancer. She charged me with 10 counts of Fraud!! Her evidence which was "discovered" during her deposition - "they were scheming". She actually thought my brother and I had time to take care of Mom and then take her to all of her financial institutes and have our names put on her accounts! Note: Mom did all of that in Nov '93 after the "eldest sibling" used our Dad's cancer as a "humanitarian" move with the military. The family moved to the same city as our folks lived - not once did they ever visit Dad. Mom and Dad discussed things and Mom put everything into action.

Mom shared her Will with all three children - what she didn't share with the "eldest sibling" was how each account was set up! Mom shared everything with my brother and me - she would tell her attorney who reviewed her Will - "these are the two children I have always been able to count on and I trust them completely with everything!"

During the course of the lawsuit - I unexpectedly and shockingly lost my brother to his battle with cancer. The Court appointed an "administrator" after the "eldest sibling" requested to be the "Executor". The Court had to tell the "eldest sibling" that "you can't be the Executor for the Estate you are suing".

I wrote off the "eldest sibling" in June '93 when I "ruined her cruise" when Mom told of the news of my 17 year old son being killed in an auto accident.

Now, I'm still fighting the Court but on the opposite side. These attorneys thought I was under so much medication that I didn't know what was going on! The stealing from Mom's accounts, the unwillingness to go by her Will - the list goes on and on. Little did they realize, I have every Court transcript of every hearing, every letter, email, etc. Most importantly, I have all of my Mother's bank accounts, statements, etc. Then there's my brother's estate - his partner was moving his bank accounts while my brother was in the hospital. Even the bank allowed him to do whatever even if he wasn't a joint holder! My new attorney has a 85% ratio of overturning this Judge's decisions and even wants me to take out the Judge! He said "any time he needs to get angry before going to Court - he just rereads my case and he is ready to go"! I have to do Bar Complaints - something that has been emotionally hard to relive - but it is a must to complete! Can I get any help - absolutely not! I have everything ready - trying to do 3 sets, one for me, attorney and Bar Assoc. But to try and keep my concentration in making sure all 3 sets are alike is more than I can handle. I realize now I should have done only one then copied it twice. But my mind doesn't work like it used to do - I was the "organized one".

Since going through this for now 5 1/2 years, I have lost my relationship with my daughter (who decides if and when I get to see my two beautiful Grandsons). Just last week, she didn't let me know about "Grandparents Day" at my soon to be 5 year old Grandson's daycare - I have never missed one! My heart aches to think how he must have been constantly checking the classroom door wondering when I was going to walk in! Unless of course, she told him before hand that I wasn't going to be there. I hope one day she realizes what she is teaching her sons - the oldest (10 yrs old) knows she told a "story" from my last visit. He doesn't hesitate to come up to me and ask questions - he knows "Granny doesn't tell stories". He can't trust either one of his divorced parents!

My husband moved out over our b'days - Nov 29 & 30th. He is tired of dealing with all the issues. I told him I was tired of living with all the issues! We have been married 36+ years - oh well, some of the ride was fun.

I love to be able to come to this site and express my feelings! I realize I'm not the only one being treated the way I do not deserve! I am so close to the point of selling my house, moving out of state and forgetting about it all - BUT - there are my Grandsons. I cannot and will not give up on them. They have been through enough and need me! I found out last night that the father puts the youngest in a darken bathroom - locked for 1/2 hour if he misbehaves. I have spent all day trying to get someone to help me with this. You would not believe how hard it is to get through even the Hot Line for Child Abuse! I wish an address was listed - I'd be there all day if I could meet with someone!

Even though my daughter could care less about me (I truly believe she had something to do with the situation between me and my husband - she works at his office), I do love my Grandsons. After watching both Grandsons from infancy to age 3 (when they need to learn social skills) - I went to day time working at my husbands office. I used to watch the Grandson, work at night and on weekends. When I started daytime - I found out on Mondays, our daughter was taking 2-hour lunches to have her nails done! I immediately put a stop to it! That really pissed her off - after all, she can do no wrong in her Dad's eyes!

She has taken her ex-husband back to Court - something she doesn't share with me. Only my husband tells me if and when he wants to do so. I'm sick of both my husband and daughter. They were not supportive during the time I was helping my Mom and they both left the day after my brother passed away - didn't even bother to stay for the services! How disrespectful can one be? I'm hurt beyond repair!

I really have to talk with myself and sometimes, my Mom's words of wisdom I forget to remind myself. "Be strong and stay busy" "Find some joy in today - if you can't find it, make it" Thoughts of suicide have been back and forth but then I remember I'm not going to give my husband and daughter the satisfaction plus my Grandsons need me! I have to figure out how to get more contact with my Grandsons - they are my strength!

Moving out of state has been another idea, but until I get "cleared" with both my Physiatrist and Psychotherapist - I can't even help myself! It's a helpless, hopeless feeling I can't stand. I can't sleep, I've lost friends who are "tired of listening" and dealing with me in and out of town so often. Tonight, I feel like - to hell with it all and that is just not me! How did I allow myself to be taken under control by others?

I'm so glad I have an appointment tomorrow with my Psychotherapist! I'm even hoping (if I get to sleep) that I wake up in a better frame of mind! The thoughts of my Grandson being put in a darken locked bathroom for 1/2 hour for probably something so small of an issue - I can't get out of my mind. The thought of my 10 yr old Grandson, trying to be the "Big Brother" and help his little brother - the helplessness he must feel - crushes my heart. I remember one year for Christmas when asking the oldest what he wanted for Christmas - his reply - "To be a big brother". He is the best Big Brother! And the little one looks up to him so very much! It is precious to see! When I get a chance to see them. I remember the time when the 10 yr old was about 4yrs old - his father got mad at him for not picking up his toys fast enough - so he picked them up and made his son watch him throw them in the trash!! How cruel!!

I feel so totally helpless and don't know what if anything I should do. Any words of encouragement - I greatly need now along with some hugs, please!!

'Are you getting the help you need from your siblings?' posted by sbean @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

sbean — Mon, 13 Sep 2010 23:44:28 -0000

When I feel particularly low, I come here and relate to all of your experiences. It truly does help me and I thank you all for reaching out. 4 siblings, no help here. Close or far...no money, visits maybe once a year, very rarely... calls. She has been with me for over 3 years now. She is 88, no Alzheimers, but cannot take care of her day to day needs. I feel so grateful that I am not housebound, I work part time and she manages during my abscence. However, having her in my home has changed my life in ways I could never have imagined. I am working so hard at trying to sustain a happy marriage, as we had just become empty nesters when she had to move in with us. We had been SOOO looking forward to our alone time together.

What I have learned is that once you accept your parent into your home, you are completely responsible for that parent. You cannot expect or rely on anyone else to help. The truth is, out of sight, out of mind. Not my problem. No one really cares if you are struggling, burnt out or unhappy as long as they don't have to do it. They will not visit, call or help financially unless begged. They do not want to be reminded of how little they do. It is just too "uncomfortable" for them to see mom in that condition is a good one. But who is going to have their hands out when she dies? You got it. I have gotten to the point that I do not speak to any of them unless it is something important about my mom. I would never make it unhappy if they wanted to visit her and I welcome them when they do come for her sake. 1 has never come, 1 came 2xs, my sister lives 1 1/4 hours away, maybe every 4 or 5 months...you get the idea. You feel sad, hurt, and really just plain pissed off. The anger smolders in me and impacts my life in such a negative way. I read that others have just let it go. I have no idea how to do that and feel as though I will always have it. When my mother dies, I will not speak to any of them ever again. That is not an idle threat. The culmination of this experience will be that my entire family will be gone to me forever. Thanks for listening.

'Are you getting the help you need from your siblings?' posted by Mom's daughter @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Mom's daughter — Wed, 05 May 2010 13:09:47 -0000

Dear Granny2Grandsons,

You are doing such a great service to reply to me and others with your encouraging words. I liked your mom's saying about finding joy in the day and about making some if you couldn't find it. I also liked the idea of the angel on my shoulder. I'm going to try to remember that when I get exasperated. I don't think my sister really realizes what I'm experiencing even though she kept my mom for about four days a year ago. Doing this for an indefinite time is different from knowing you'll be going home in four days and won't have to return unless you choose to. I hope you can encourage and counsel yourself as well as you do others.

Mom's daughter

'Are you getting the help you need from your siblings?' posted by Granny2Grandsons @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Granny2Grandsons — Wed, 05 May 2010 08:19:37 -0000

Dearest Coppernickel,

I feel for you and your "psycho-baggage". Today, my son would have been 34yrs old - I lost him when he was 17 yrs old. He was the 2nd of 5 deaths on my side of the family in 9 months.

It's just like the commercial about depression - you feel like you need to "wind up" just to get out of bed. I do not believe I will ever "get over" it. I stayed in my house for 2 yrs - no one could find me to give me more bad news - that's where my psycho was at the time.

My husband just recently left me (36 yrs married) and our daughter has nothing to do with me. They just don't understand where I am at after just losing my Mom and brother within 20 months of each other.

You can only do what your body will allow you to do. I don't sleep much, just can't "turn things off". I can't believe we are not a "disfunctional" family. Nothing is the same.

Your brother is working through his loss with being a "caregiver". We all react in different ways. It's OK. Try talking with your brother about where he finds his strength - that's the only thing I can think of that will help you. I have no one that understands that I have not only lost my son, but also everyone from my "childhood family". My husband has yet to have a death in his side of the family - although his older sister just lost her husband one week ago. It seems that there was no affect on him then either - I don't understand.

Are you seeing anyone? My physco-therapist today was not one bit surprised of my husband's reactions to my car accident - ran off road by a truck on Sunday. He has yet to "check on me" other than bring over the baseball glove for our Grandson's b'day this weekend. He thinks I can wrap it up for him - I don't think I can wrap the other gifts! I'm in a lot of pain and very sore.

Hang in there - your brother can help you if you just ask him to sit down and talk with you - he will understand if you let him know what is going on within you. Please let me know how it goes.

Sending lots of hugs!!

'Are you getting the help you need from your siblings?' posted by coppernickel @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

coppernickel — Tue, 04 May 2010 21:56:18 -0000

My younger brother has taken on the role of responibility and caregiver for both of his mother's (Mother and mother-in-law.) I'm usually feeling like I have saddled him with all the burdens, because my only other kid brother just died of leukemia, and I am so busy with my own psycho-baggage. I feel like everyone has helped me and now it's my turn, and I'm not strong enough to be there.

'Are you getting the help you need from your siblings?' posted by Granny2Grandsons @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Granny2Grandsons — Tue, 04 May 2010 17:10:46 -0000

I am so impressed with how quickly you responded! It shows how encouraged you are along with the strength you have built up! Keep up the good work! Sending "instant karma delivered with loving care" from "Good People" a song from the group "Yes" - my brother and my "song" just for us!

My brother had a great suggestion - everytime we had to pull the files with information needed - we put "THANKS MOM" on the front of the file folder. I have 6 file folder boxes! Seeing "THANKS MOM & BRO" before I open the file has helped me. It doesn't start the "depressing feelings".

I'm glad to know you heard from your sister. Perhaps she is finally understanding what you are going through. One word of wisdom - the people I thought truly cared to help ended up stabbing me in the back!

Have faith - karma surrounds you - listen to the angel on your shoulder - your gut will guide you!

Sending as many hugs as you can handle right now. Thanks for responding!

'Are you getting the help you need from your siblings?' posted by Granny2Grandsons @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Granny2Grandsons — Tue, 04 May 2010 17:05:00 -0000

Have faith - karma surrounds you - listen to the angel on your shoulder - your gut will guide you!

Sending as many hugs as you can handle right now. Thanks for responding!

'Are you getting the help you need from your siblings?' posted by Mom's daughter @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Mom's daughter — Tue, 04 May 2010 15:54:56 -0000

Granny2Grandsons--Thank you so much for your encouraging words. My anger with my siblings has dissipated a great deal. My sister called yesterday for the first time in months. There have been emails, but they were mostly about her financial difficulties and how she can't come and can't help financially. Then she asked if there were something "specific" she could do to help. Since she'd just ruled out both time and money, I just ignored the question in my email back to her. I'm trying to be nicer when my siblings call and not put them on a guilt trip, as my sister says. It hasn't seemed to result in any more visits or calls, though. Thanks for all the positive words and good suggestions. Mom's daughter

'Are you getting the help you need from your siblings?' posted by Granny2Grandsons @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Granny2Grandsons — Tue, 04 May 2010 04:22:11 -0000

I can understand what you are going through at this time. My brother and I promised our Mom that her worse fear of being put in a nursing home "would never happen". Within 20 yrs - we were both there for her! And proud of each other for remembering "our promise". We have an "eldest sibling" who has a "social calender" that will not allow her to help with anything! After the loss of my 17 yr old son - she called our folks to "brag about her cruise" but it was "ruined" once she was told about my son's funeral being in 2 days. "We don't do flowers" They even used our Dad's cancer as a way to get stationed close to our folks - did she visit Dad at the hospital? - NOT AT ALL!! When told Mom was "terminal" - "call if she gets worse"!

She contested Mom's Will - regardless of the fact Mom had each and everything held as joint holder/beneficiary. Didn't Matter - Judge was sick & tired of constant "Motions" - gave her 75% of Mom's Estate REGARDLESS OF HER WILL!!

My only idea for you, go to your nearest hospital. Ask if they can give you tips on "Home Health Care" - there are plenty of brochures! It is an exhausting 12 hour day for 2 people! Did your Mom belong to a church - members were tremendous help for us. Any friends that "grew up" with you around - ask - you'll be surprised how many people will "show up for you and your Mom" - they will come out of the woodwork! The reward you receive for spending the time and effort in caring for your Mom will be priceless. Your siblings have no idea what your Mom did for all of you throughout your lives - and to them if means nothing. But I will warn you now - they will be the first to show up for your Mom's possessions and any money/accounts. If your Mom has a Will - have it reviewed! Attorneys, knowing if there is a life insurance policy - will help you but may have you sign for payment from the insurance company. Get a Durable Power of Attorney! Call and talk to any Attorney that offers FREE counseling. If your "so called sibiling family" won't help out - and you know they won't - explain this to your Mom - she already knows. If her house is paid off - look into a "reverse mortgage".

I've been through 5+ years of pure Court hell - I lost my brother unexpectedly - he was Mom's Executor. The house and me as "back up" Executrix were the only things mentioned in the review of her Will - she passed away the morning she was to sign the new Will. I am forever greatful that Angels came and took my Mom in her sleep - in her own bed - in her own house with her own doctors, friends, etc. I'd do it all over again even though it almost bankrupted me!

One phrase Mom used to say and I still do everyday - "Find some Joy in Today - if you can't find it - MAKE IT". I hope that I have given you some encouragement and ideas to move forward. You will never be sorry you were there for her! Hopefully your family understands and will also help you out - mine didn't. No support for what I was suffering emotionally from either my husband or daughter. They are just as "self-centered and self-serving as the eldest sibling"! My husband has moved out on my b'day, my daughter keeps my Grandsons "hostage" - I get to see them if I get a schedule of their sport activities. They love to see me - I raised them from infancy to 3 yrs old. There is nothing neither one nor the other can take away my Grandsons relationship with me and I let them know that their "Mom forgets to tell me about their games - so, please ask Mom to call Granny to make sure she knows"! This entire experience has made me discover that I'm stronger than I thought! I hope it does the same for you. Sending loads of hugs and some of my strength to you - hope you can feel it!!

'Are you getting the help you need from your siblings?' posted by Ruby A @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Ruby A — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 16:38:12 -0000

yes, please let us all be there for you-we need YOUR input too, Buni!

'Are you getting the help you need from your siblings?' posted by Ruby A @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Ruby A — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 16:35:00 -0000

thank you. i already have durable POA on all matters. I talked with my attorney yesterday and was told to get a statement from the dr, and send copies of it along with my POA papers to the bank, mom's attorney, and her drs already have copies of my POA on file. I know its going to come down to me saying "all of you, get the hell out. you have done nothing but confuse her more, and with vascular dementia, routine and simplicity is most important." she wouldn't recognize two of my other sisters who also have not seen her in 20 yrs, but my younger sister (the one who wants it all) is close to them also. The oldest sister is 66, but acts like she is 7. So, I am doing what I have to do to protect my mother.

'Are you getting the help you need from your siblings?' posted by me again @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

me again — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 16:20:43 -0000

Good, I was hoping you would feel that way. I to just lost my dad August 1 and boy it is a lot to get through. It really helps to have people that understand what your going through.

'Are you getting the help you need from your siblings?' posted by Buni @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Buni — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 16:08:42 -0000

Thank you!.......I've just decided I'm not unscribing,.... why would I at this moment in time...

'Are you getting the help you need from your siblings?' posted by me again @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

me again — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 16:02:12 -0000

So sorry to hear of your loss. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. If you ever feel the need to express your feeling through this next phase of your life we are here for you.

'Are you getting the help you need from your siblings?' posted by Buni @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Buni — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 15:49:17 -0000

After this Post Reply, I will be unscribing from Caring.Com in that my very healthy 89yo mum passed September 16 with only a two month battle with cancer..... When she was diagnosed the first part of July just two months ago, if they would have told us she only had two months to live, we couldn't have put any more love and emotion into our lives together as we did, not knowing her outcome. My focus was on mum, and the sibling aspect was dropped in my heart and mind. The reason for me unscribing is that I through this Post, I was able to get answers, hugs, suggestons, your stories, as needed, however it all comes down to what you feel is the very best for your loved one!! I've always told mum I wanted to write a book and during her last moments I told her I'd still be writing as she looked down on me from heaven!

'Are you getting the help you need from your siblings?' posted by me again @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

me again — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 15:05:00 -0000

Don't they have some nerve. If I wasn't going thru some of the same things I wouldn't believe your story. How can your sister put a price on caring for your mom. If she will take care of your mom for money it really makes you look at her heart. I've been saying this in past replies they don't have the courage or the heart to be a caregiver. Ruby protect your mom!!! Our sibling may not physically harm our parent but they will emotionally and mentally harm them. Again do you trust your sibling with your mom? Get the proper paper work and ask your mom who she would like to be the POA and please get the proper medical POA in place also. I can't stress how important it is. My parents did this before my dad passed and everything went haywire after he passed. I am so thankful they took care of this. It is hard enough fighting with sibling but if I didn't have the proper legal papers it would be impossible. If you sibling would bring your brother to visit your mom without your knowledge Lord now what else they would do. Find a lawyer and do this ASAP. I will continue to pray for you and all of the caregivers

'Are you getting the help you need from your siblings?' posted by Ruby A @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Ruby A — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 14:39:04 -0000

well, we finally got an official diagnosis about Mom. She has vascular dementia. My 3 sisters and I took her to the dr and were told that it is basically a hardening of the arteries in the brain, and that Mom's was pretty extensive. My oldest sister (the martyr who brings Mom dinner once a week and complains about the cost), finds it funny to try to get Mom going. She was at mom's house last night with another sister and was goading mom. She asked Mom, "Who am I?" Mom was with it enough to respond with disgust, "who do you want to be??". Then my sister asked her "Am I your daughter?" My mom responded, "No, Diane you are not my daughter." She was trying to amuse herself at Mom's expense. Then, my younger sister takes her for the weekend and pre-plans a visit between mom and my brother, who hasn't spoken to mom in 20 yrs. My sister and brother have become close over the yrs, but just a few yrs ago, she hated him, because he wouldn't do anything for mom. Mom wasn't even aware that was her son. she told me she met her brother at my sister's house. I knew all her brothers were dead, so I suspected it was my brother she met. I called my sister and she confirmed it. she said Mom has been asking to see my brother. Mom has never told me that, and if she had, I would have made arrangements. This was not Mom's wishes, this was my sister and brother's wishes, so they can assuage their guilt. it made me so angry. I am at the point to where I want to tell them all just forget about helping, -the dr told me that someone with vascular dementia needs routine, and simple things. Then, my sister turns around and brings my brother into the picture with all his family and it upset mom. she got very nervous and thought my brother was HER brother. They are not helping-they are hurting her. I have just about had all I can take. The sister who set up the meeting with my mom and brother told me that she will quit her job, take Mom to live with her, if I (as POA) will give everything Mom has to her. she meant money, house, insurance policies, car etc. I thought, "where were you in the last 20 yrs, when I have been taking care of her?" it is all about their own needs and wants.

'Are you getting the help you need from your siblings?' posted by shopper @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

shopper — Sat, 12 Sep 2009 04:13:33 -0000

I am sorry to hear of your loss. It is hard to let the anger go, but the anger will only hurt you. Your Dad would not want you to get angry. My sister and I have joint responsibility. I realize how unhappy she really is and pity her. I am going to try not to let her get the best of me. We have to be strong and kill them with kindness.
When they know they can no longer hurt us, they will hopefully leave us alone for there is nothing for them to gain. I spoke to the doctor about my sister not respecting Dad's wishes and he told me that the patient is the one who chooses as long as the doctor can live with the decision. I will remember you in my prayers,but please be strong. I know it is easier said than done

'Are you getting the help you need from your siblings?' posted by me again @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

me again — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 15:38:13 -0000

Has your parents made known the person to make medical decision for them if they aren't able to do so. If not please try to have them do this as soon as possible. It will eliminate a lot of the problems your are facing and in the future. Your sister sound like mine" CONTROLLING". She want things to be done her way and at her convenience. Remind your sister, that Drs. have set hours and days for office visits and if she would like be a part of your dads visit she should take off or go into work late. If you are the one in charge of your dads medical decision do what is best for your dad even if she disagrees. I just went through this weeks ago with my sister. She wanted me to give my dad morphine even though he express to all of us he didn't want it, he didn't like the way it made him feel and he wasn't in such pain to warrant morphine. Another medication would have work just as well without the side effect he was feeling. My dad has died since, but I can't seem to let go the fact she wanted to go against his wishes. I guess thats why he made me in charge of his medical decision. The anger can subside if only everyone get to the point of not trying to over step the person in charge of the care giving. It takes time. I'm trying to get through the anger and resentment now but it take time and thing have been done and said that has damaged this family, but I now with GODS perfect wisdom we all will get through this.

'Are you getting the help you need from your siblings?' posted by shopper @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

shopper — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 05:55:42 -0000

Dear Friends with Sibling Problems,

Thank you for your notes, I thought I was the only one facing a witchy sister. My dad was has stage 4 cancer and my mom is totally depressed and is not able to do much. Before dad's cancer my sister was not speaking to me for three years. I tried to reconcile with her but she blamed me for everything wrong in her life. She feels I am the favored child. I told to forget the past and put it behind her since we are in our fifties.Finally when we heard about Dad she asked if we could put our differences aside. My husband, children and friends warned me to beware, but she is my only sister and I missed her children. My sister suggested we ask the doctor to put dad on something to help control his anger and constant yelling at my mother. The doctor put him on tranquilizers. The surgeons had done some testing and from the phone converstation it sounded like they would not be able to operate on the cancer. The doctor said we would talk at our next appointment. I called my sister to say the doctor did not come out and say it but it sounded like they could not operate. She had planned a two week vacation and would miss the appointment with the doctor. She started to cross examine me and wanted to know word for word what the doctor said and that she was cancelling her vacation. I told I did want her to cancel her trip and that she should go. Dad would be disappointed if she did not. She told me to get a refill from the surgeon on dad's tranquilizers. The surgeon said to go to the family doctor for the refill and that should not be our main concern. Dad's doctor was in India for three weeks and I talked him into going to my doctor. My doctor was so positive and gave dad a B12 shot and suggested an oncologist right away. I forgot to ask about the tranquilizers. My sister was furious that I forgot and lectured me. My husband spoke to the pharmacist and doctor and they said dad had only been on them a month. It was not long enough to harm him. Mean while I had been doing all the cooking, and grocery shopping as well as taking both parents to doctors. I do mind doing this since I am retired and would do anything for my parents. Before the next doctor appointment, my sister carried on about forgetting the tranquilizers. My husband told her to stop dwelling on it. My sister took the day off and embarassed me in front of the doctor. My dad said he did not want to take the pills. He felt he was taking enough pill. My husband told him it was at my sister'a request. My sister is furious my husband butted in. I told her that he is there to do chores around the house and he feels like Dad is his dad. She criticized everything we do and wants all my dad's appointment after work so she can go. This is impossible since doctors do not have hours after four and on Saturday. I said we have to work together and she finds nothing but negatives. I did not complain when she made dinner for my parents at eight o'clock at night. Thought she was doing the best she could. I started to yell at her and told her she could do it all and that is what she wanted. She wanted to get me upset. I should have just yesed her and tried my best. Someone just told be anger is like the devil. It spreads and spreads getting worse and worse. I am not well myself and stress is not the best for me and my family. It is best to ignore them and know in your heart you are trying your hardest

'Are you getting the help you need from your siblings?' posted by Katylou @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Katylou — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 01:30:57 -0000

Dear GALOWA:

THank you, thank you, thank you - you just put my mind and heart in exactly the right place - You are so right. I am NOT alone. You are an angel. I have been feeling so down about this and I know now where my focus needs to be. I am looking into a residential home for my mother so her life and mine can improve, which will help our relationship get back to a point where we enjoy each other again. And about that letter . . . I am sure that writing it will be soooooo cathartic and help me to release all of the anger I have built up inside. Thank you for being you and all that you do!

'Are you getting the help you need from your siblings?' posted by GALOWA @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

GALOWA — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 18:21:06 -0000

katylou,

i am disabled and could not care for my mom without my husband's help. brother and sister are USELESS but will respite me for $165/day... (generous, aren't they?)

time for your mom to go into a safe place where healthy people can care for her. then, you can care for yourself! you can still visit mom as often as you wish.

meanwhile, WRITE THAT LETTER! tell your sister EXACTLY how you feel and don't leave out any detail. THEN, put it in an envelope, but DON'T SEND IT!!! either put it in a box or bible or something, and let it go. if it makes you feel better, you can read it once in a while, but NEVER SEND IT. rise above. be good. be better - than they are, and even than you think you can be... don't lower yourself to their level.

WE all know what you are doing and how you are suffering. you have MILLIONS of new sisters and brothers who really understand, and really CARE.

you may be trapped now, but your spirit can still FLY!

'Are you getting the help you need from your siblings?' posted by me again @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

me again — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 16:09:51 -0000

I'm so sorry to here about your situation, but please realize ,the sooner the better, your sister doesn't have the heart to care for your mom. It took me a long time to realize this about my siblings but I have and I now have peace and understanding. You have to do what is best for yourself, your family and your mom. If you write your sister I think it will help you with the anger and resentment you feel, but it will not change her one way or the other. Also, think about it , would you really want your uncaring sister to be left alone with your mom. Do you really trust her to take care of your mom? Please contact your local Dept. of Aging or what ever it may be called in your state. I have friends and other relative that help more than my siblings. Maybe it is time to think about a nursing home for your mom. We all have to realize it may come a time that we can not take care of our parents because of their illness and our own health issues as caregivers. Trust in the Lord that he will take care of all of us in his time and his way. Again I really feel your pain I've been there and still going thru it. Take care we will get through this

'Are you getting the help you need from your siblings?' posted by Katylou @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Katylou — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 03:08:34 -0000

"I have been caring for my mother in my home for almost a year. She has substantial dementia and possibly early stage Alzheimer's. I have asked my sister to help me, as I am getting very tired and my health is suffering. When I asked her if my mother could stay with her for a couple of weeks this summer, she told me she would have to discuss it with her husband. Than, about two weeks later, she had her husband contact me and he left a voice message on my phone telling me that they were not going to take my mother for any amount of time and that my sister was not going to discuss it with me.

I really do not know how she lives with herself. I am so angry with her that all I can do is boil over with resentment. She rarely calls my mother and never asks me how I am doing. I want to write my sister and get it all off my chest - is this a waste of my time or should I follow my gut and write her anyway, even tough I know it will not change a thing?"

'Are you getting the help you need from your siblings?' posted by GALOWA @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

GALOWA — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 20:54:45 -0000

no redeeming value ANYWHERE in your situation. especially with the alcoholism. put the witch in a nursing home. ( you can tell her she's going into REHAB... ) then get on with your life. and MAKE IT A GREAT ONE!!!

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