My journey with mom began 3 1/2 years ago with only six weeks'  notice from my three bothers,  of her moving in with me;  her living with one bro and his wife for ten years after the passing of my grandmother and father just a few years prior, they also living with bro and his wife.  The (3)  gave no clue as to why the move here to their North or of their daily experiences with her and/or what to expect regarding her personality and ways about her.  There was no 'sitdown' meeting, and nothing financially 'setup' for her by them, later, much later, learning from her she felt 'dumped' and understandibly so!  

Now, I came to the fact I have accepted my role of this change in caregiving; I don't resent this has changed for me also, I do love her so!!.  Mom is a very healthy 89yo, stubborn, still domineering in my way of life and not allowing me the independence of owning my own home, constant in knowing what's going on but denying knowing  what she does know since we live in a 720 sq ft home, and hardly anything is/could be missed by her.  Her treatment toward me is like I'm still her little girl and, or course, know it will always be that way.  This is making my long story short...... but for all of us, it's when we come to expect/know what's going to happen or be said next, the repetition, knowing it won't be changed because of the 'stubborn' aspect that we deal with in some of yours and my situations. 

Others have shared with me how her sharing with financial obligations of the home, to including groceries, etc. are shared by so many others, but again, her refusal to do so in our home.

I love taking her to The Center, out for shopping for her groceries, to church, but other than that, she's sleeping in her chair and watching tv, me thinking, maybe I'd do that same thing at her age,..... I just want her to know/realize, I have grown up, and I'm a big girl now!,...... and would like a little more communication/support, not meaning financially, from my bros down South!  One bro who is single, calls her every day, sometimes twice a day and I know how she loves that, and I too!!  The other two and their wives, not on a regular basis......

One of my daughters says 'gram' knows how to push your buttons, and she certainly does in so many other ways....... my situation isn't a serious one, but in expressing to another, "I was a CNA for 11 1/2 years and didn't feel these stresses",...... the answer being 'I could leave the shift, but now, not my home.'

I love you, mom!

Basically NO!!!  When they call themselves helping it is half ass.  Or they  think they are helping but sometimes it only make things worse for me. Example, my sibling had my parents for the weekend but when they were brought back home my sibling didn't fed my mom who is diabetic or tell me they were on the way and I didn't have dinner ready. Of course when I say something about it they make it seem like I am making a big deal about things.  I've already told my sibling that I want everyone to share the responsibilities of taking care of my parents. They agreed but again it's not a priority to them.  I understand they can not do things they way I do but, at least put forth an effort and take time to do things properly for our parents.  It has gotten to the point I really don't ask them to do much any more which sometimes make thing extra difficult for me.  I have to accept the way thing are and accept what my sibling will and will not do

I am definitely NOT getting the help that I should be and deserve to be getting from my siblings either in physical help OR financial help.  Let me clarify that statement a bit.  One of my 2 brothers actually cannot help me because he is a Captain in the Marine Corps and is stationed in the Southwest portion of Afghanistan right now, which is a very bad portion of that country to be in...so I do not resent that he is not PHYSICALLY here to help me at all.  What I am a bit upset about is that he is literally swimming is money because he is single and has invested very well so he has the funds to help me out financially with Mama and Dad's costs but he hasn't even asked if they needed anything.  All he has done is said that he is going to retire soon so that he can come home to help me take care of them AND he likes to get upset if he doesn't agree with a decision that's been made or something that's been done here.  Well my friend, you're not here to do anything and I am doing the best that I can.  My other brother just lives about 45 minutes away and when he is not laid-off (he is laid-off right now) only works Friday-Sunday, so he has Monday-Thursday that he could help.  He also makes good money even when laid-off because he knows the HVAC and Electrical Wiring trades and does alot of side work but doesn't contribute financially unless he gets reimbursed.  He came up a week ago on a Monday and did some manual labor around the house that I cannot do and had to go to the hardware store.  He came back with a receipt for $36 and had me write a check out of my Dad's checkbook to reimburse him!!!!  I had just spent $83 the day before for their groceries and medical supplies and $20 that morning for a suction bar to go in the bathtub.  Dad tried to get me to write myself a check but I just couldn't do that because I know the finances since I am pretty much in charge of that as well.  Oh, and as far as giving of his time?  This trip up here was the first one in about 3 months!  I asked him if we could go get something to eat and while there I had a talk with him about needing some help from him.  He offerred to give me a day a week.  WOW that was impressive!  Afterall, we wouldn't want to cut into his hunting and such.  Do I sound a tad bitter?  If so, I apologize.  I am trying SO hard NOT to become bitter because I don't want to be an ugly person but this is SO freaking hard both physically and emotionally and I am doing it all be myself.  I have started seeing a therapist once a month so that I can get some of this off my chest and get some help with how to deal!  Any help would be SO greatly appreciated.

 You have the right to be angry, you have to let it out unless you will explode.  Have you checked into financial support thru Medicaid, check with your local Dept. of Aging it may be called something else in your state but it is worth a try.  I have found I have to ask my siblings for what ever it is I need of them.  I think they should know what is needed, but they don't. Ask for what you want if they say no or make some lame excuse at least you know where they stand.  Sometimes in families one person does everything and the others take that for granted and if that's the case in your family you have to look out for yourself and your parents because know one else will. Which lead to this, have you quys set up a power of attorney and gotten things in order.  You didn't say how old or what health condition your parents are in but it's better to do these things sooner than later. 

I can relate to your situation. There are seven of us children and our mom and dad are elderly. Mom has been through cancer and is in remission. Dad is taking chemo for his cancer now. My  youngest sister has to help her husband in their business and has four small children to take care of. She is the only help, except for one brother, who does very little and then, only if its convenient. And he thinks he does the most. I won't go into all the doctor visits, keeping up with their medicine, and everything else. My sister and I do most all of it. Oh, by the way, my husband is disabled, and been seriously ill for several years now, but I go back and forth between all of them. While recuperating from total hip replacement three years ago, I managed to go take care of them,too, as well as my husband. No, not by choice, there was noone else to do it. Sometimes I get so tired, but things have to get done. I have begged, bribed, threatened and everything else under the sun, but nothing works. After being angry for so long, I finally decided to let it go. It was making me sick. I feel better now, It's easier this way. They'll reap what they sew.

I am NOT getting any form of help at all from my only sibling - a younger sister.  I have had my mother living with me since late November. This is what I thought would happen, as she has been going down hill for about 10 years - first with alcohol and now with dementia/alzheimers/whatever. I specifically asked my only sibling - sister if she could have my mother stay with she and her husband this summer for a few weeks so that I could get a break, but they have outright refused.

I am very new at this and it has totally hijacked my life. My mother is very hostile, angry and difficult to be around. She blames me for all of her problems - she also has a substance abuse issues and is angry because I do not let her drink in my home. She has been in alcohol rehab 4 times and each time, she goes right back to drinking again.

She is just miserable to be around, miserable with herself. My friends hardly ever visit anymore because of my mother's attitude and negarive energy. She calls me names, tells me to shut up, and says degrading and hurtful things to me and anyone else that will listen to her rant about me. She gets up several times throughout the night and wakes me up. I have talked to her several times about this but she seems to not want to, be able to nor care to change her behavior. Her basic personality has always been narcissistic, but now it is worse. She behaves like a bratty disturbed adolesent with adult baggage! If I try and reason with her or try and express how I feel, it usually ends up with us yelling at each other. Then, I feel guilty.

I am exhausted all of the time - I work full time and when I get home, all I want to do is sleep. Then, my mother complains to me and everyone she has contact with that I am always tired and I don't do anything with her. Basically, all she does is complain. Her dementia is substantial and is possibly in early stages alzheimers, per her last neuropsych report.

I am so at a loss as to what to do. I know for sure that I cannot keep living like this and there is no help in sight. I have meals on wheels delivered, and my mother's income is fixed, so she can only afford private care 10 hours per week. I am on a waiting list for the local office on aging, but nothing has opened up yet. I am ready to just put her in a nursing home or adult foster home so I can get some sanity back in my life.

The only advice and assistance my sister gives is that I should see a therapist or go to a support group to deal with it. Gee-newsflash! I could use her help, not her condesending advice. She only make things worse because I am angry and resentful that she can just wash her hands of all of this yet not even offer to help me. Any advice will be appreciated.
 

I have one brother and 3 sisters and the only one that helps out is my brother.  Mom has lived with me since last August.  She was in a nursing home but the cost got to be too expensive so she had to move and I was the only one who volunteered to take her.  She walks very, very little and has hardly any use of her right arm.  She had broken her hip about 6 years ago and broke her arm about 2.  She has dementia and incontinence.  She has not seen two of my sisters since I moved her in with me and my youngest sister comes about, if I am lucky, once a month.  My brother comes every two weeks, which I am grateful for.  My sisters say this is too inconvient for them, a hardship and whatever excuse they can come up with.  I had to quit a fulltime job in order to take care of my mom.  I am given money to take care of her but I pay someone to watch her while I work parttime so I can have medical coverage for myself and husband,  I also buy her the pullups she needs for her incontinence and I pay to get her hair done every two weeks and buy her clothes and other necessities that she needs.  I also had my bathroom made handicap accessible for her which cost me money.  I am constantly on the go from 9a.m. to 2 a.m. everyday.  All my mother does is complain constantly about her pain and refuses to do exercise to strenghten her legs so she can walk with a walker and tells me that I am unkind to her.  She inturn praises these other three, that do absolutely nothing, to the highest.  She always has an excuse as to why they don't come and see her.  Of course, I have been told by them, that they shouldn't have to call before they come.  They should be able to come to my home at any time of the day they want and when they want.  I have just had enough of all this and feel that my mom would be better off in a home again.  I have no life.  It just consist of taking care of her until it is time to go to work and then come home again and take care of her.  I have tried to talk to my one sister about it but she says I am being unfair when I ask her to take her for 6-8 once a month to give me and my husband a break to do something together.  I have just had enough.  I am tired if inconsiderate and selfish people.

 Boy you are so right about their selfishness.  I can't believe it, my sibling are the same way, they do more than your sibling but it is truely at their convience. I have accepted the fact that they are not going to go out their way to do anything.  It just hurts to se the lack of responsibility and care they give to my parents.  Since you have your brother that helps somewhat maybe you can talk to him about your need for a break and more help, and try talking to your sister about financial support since she cannot or will not help you with your moms needs.  I found with my sibling sometimes it is overwhelming for them and they just don't have the heart to give your mom the care she needs, but there's a million way to help someone.  Suggest other thing your sister can do like cooking meal, washing clothes or even taking your mom to get her hair done that will give you a little time to yourself.  We all as caregiver are going through a tough time, sometimes I think I could care for my parent better if I didn't have to deal with my sibling but since I can't do away with them I try not to let them take up so much of my time and energy. Be strong I'm praying for you

 My husband does everything for his mom and he has a sister and three brothers.  One brother actually lives with her and is a worthless as ever.  The sister takes her once a week to get her hair done and never asks her if she needs groceries or anything else.  The one brother is always too tired because he works and is very busy always with church, the other brother has a b.... for a wife who rules the roost and calls the shots.  My husband is retired and works part-time however every one seems to think that they are all too busy and he is the only one not doing anything because he never complains about any issues at our home or in our life.  The rest let you know in no uncertain terms about every issue that is affecting them.   By the way my mother-in-law is 94 years old and still does her own laundry with a walker and a little basket on the front and going down 4 levels to a basement to do her wash then back up and down again to put in dryer.  She takes care of her bills and birthday gifts for 18 great grandchildren.  However, when any of the others come for a visit it is confined to 45 minutes to an hour because once again they are soooooo busy.  No one has school age children.  All they have is themselves to take care of and they are always so annoyed at her about the smallest things.I get very frustrated with them because I am an only child and 1 year ago I had to put my dad in a nursing facility because I couldn't take care of him anymore.  His health was getting out of hand and as one thing cleared up another came up.  Visiting him is very hard and when I see the folks who are in the nursing home and I know their ages and I think how fortunate my husbands family is that their mom has her wits about her and yet they act like she is the biggest burden around.  If they could all just pitch in alittle bit every week it wouldn't all fall on my husbands shoulders.  He is getting bitter now because his mom only depends on him and won't even think of asking any one for help family or otherwise.  I know I am rambling but I wonder what I can do or try to suggest to do to take some of this in a different direction.  Any advice would be much appreciated.

I only have one brother who is older than I am. He is married and has two kids who are 19 and 24. He tells me he can't help becasue he is too busy with work and getting my younger neice into college. He has only invited my Mom over at holidays. My sister in law doesn't work in the summer and not once has she ever offered to sit with my Mom while I went to an appointment or did shopping. My brothers biggest answer to everything is "call someone". I just really wish they would take her for a day or sit with her on an evening so I could have some sort of social life.As it is I am in the house 24/7 ...venturing out only to go to doctors appointments or do shopping. Those are the two days she goes to adult daycare. She is only there 5 hours so it so I always feel rushed and stressed out to make it home in time to let her in the house. It's hard to squash everything you have to do into two 5 hour days. Then the rest of the time it is cooking,cleaning,feeding,dressing,bringing trash out,washing dishes,doing bills,making phone calls,keeping track of prescriptions, etc,etc,

I might add I am not well myself and so it's worse for me than others. I guss it would be nice to have someone ask how I am, or do I need anything to be done?

I could go on and on about this but it just makes me sad and mad. 

I can certainly relate to you situation. My mom moved here from the South with full intentions of getting her own apt. at a Seniors Building Complex. Two weeks after arriving, I took her to meet a primary care physician. He noticed her ankles were swollen and he put her in the hospital for test. She is diabetic and has high blood pressure and 88 years old. Things went down hill from there.

She was in the hospital for 35 days. No she did not have a blockage. I won't go into all that went wrong but I will say, she used a cane occasionally when she went in and when she came out, she was using a walker.

She could prepare her meals when she went in, now she can't. Moving to her own apt. is a joke at this point. She does not have assisted living insurance.

While she was in the hospital, my husband and I made room for her in our home, moving our furniture out of the guest room and putting a bedroom set in. I suppose I was stroke by her illness and the least of my concerns at that point was her ability to control others.

She has problems administering her own medications but other than that she only forgets what is convenient to forget. She ask my husband where he is going EVERYTIME he goes out the door, even when he's only going to work in the yard. We have a TV in the country size kitchen and we are accustomed to watching it during dinner and commenting on the news etc. She has to watch her channel and her game shows etc.

I have one sister and she has 6 grown grandchildren (3 of mine and 3 of my sisters). My sisters takes her to church once a month and that it. In a whole year, not one of them has offered to stay with her so that we could go out. Except for the one time my sister stayed for a week so that we could go on a cruise for my 70th birthday.

I would love to have some in-home care or respite to allow my husband and I to breathe for a change but we are somewhat afraid of strangers in our home in our absence. Is this just an excuse not to get help? I need talking to.

Today, after reading comments from others I don't feel so resentful but there are days that resentment eats a hole in my soul.

I do realize that this is something that we should cherish and that one day we may/will be in the same situation and certainly wouldn't want one of our children feeling this way about us. It is wonderful to be able to vent to others who understand.

I know I have not been of any help to you but maybe just by knowing that others understand how you feel will get you through another day, another week feeling a little less stressed.

I

I welcome your comments.

I am in the same predicament. I have 2 girls and my husband has 2 boys, My oldest girl is 32 yrs old, and i have a 19 yr old that lives at home,nad 2 oldest boys, they know there father is very sick, knowing i am doing it all by myself, I don't get anyone asking if i need help, I have to take husband to cemo & radiation 5 days a week, bath, feed, dress him,plus, do all the other, i have to feed him threw his feeding tube.we took our oldest daughter in 14 times to help them w/ my 4 gradkids, but now when i need some help at least something the can do, between trying to clean, make appointments, p/u medicine, anything, I am sooooooooo mad, I do snap, I understand i do, but they can't undrstand why. my oldest took off where i can't find her. but the 1 boy all he does is call. all i get is I want o remember him the way he used to look.my 18 yr old don't want ot do nothing but hang out with her friends,I don't know what i can do. after all the help we gave to them, but now when i need help they are not there for us.

believe me i am angry,

Anyone that gets ANY help from siblings at all -- be thankful and understand that most people do NOT. In a perfect world our loved ones would not need any help, they’d be perfectly healthy and capable forever; or at the very least when/if they did need help -- those that they took care of would be happy to return the blessing. This isn’t a perfect world and the best any of us can do is simply adjust to reality (whatever it might be) and accept what you do have to work with and make the most of it. There are some good suggestions on this site, read through and give things a try even if you don’t think that it would work with your family.

In my situation, there are many children – yet only two of us are doing anything - and we're doing everything. The others (even the local ones) ignore the situation and do absolutely nothing. They don't even take the time to make a phone call to check in on them. They don’t bother to ask us how they’re doing, if they need anything, if WE need anything. They completely ignore it as if our parents don’t even exist. (It’s sort of like out of site out of mind.) It is creating a lot of resentment between us (the caregivers) and the others (our siblings). That is how we found this site.

We’ve tried everything from family meetings, to asking for specific help for certain things, trying to delegate responsibility, etc. What I’ve found is that the bottom line is that everyone has their own “stuff” and only some of us are the “type” to step up to the plate when needed. Maybe this doesn’t apply to everyone, but it certainly seems to apply to my family for sure. Unfortunately, those who do not step up … that is just who they are & how they are built. We sometimes wonder if we didn’t do so much if others might actually jump in and help - but we’ve tried to step back a few times to see what would happen and no one has risen to the occasion. I have accepted that it is what it is.

This site has helped us to realize that we’re not alone. That there is support for people in similar situations and a lot what of we do and how we do it is about educating yourself, utilizing proper resources, attitude and prayer. The community of support that is available through sites like this has helped us tremendously and we are very grateful. I think we have a long road ahead of us (like many) while we still try to iron things out and create healthy boundaries that work for everyone. But at the end of the day, knowing that I’m doing everything that I can to help my parents after all of the sacrifices that they’ve made for me helps to make tomorrow easier to handle. If I hold on to what my siblings won’t do, it will run me into a negative direction and into a place that I do not want to be. It certainly will not help me to help my parents. It took me a while, but I am thankful that I am finally at a place where I can let go of that and try to move forward and make the most of what we do have to work with.

By no means am I saying you shouldn’t TRY to get help from your siblings. But, if at the end of the day they’re not going to do anything to help you may need to just accept that it is what it is and make the most of what you do have. I am thankful for the fact that I do have one sibling that does help (so many of you have NO HELP at all). I am also thankful that I have been blessed to be the “type” that will step up when needed and can only hope that I pass that characteristic onto my own children. Who knows if I will need them to take care of me one day :) .

God bless you for what you’re doing and may He give you the strength you need to continue doing it.
 

Thank you for all you are. This indeed is a wonderful way to get the courage and mental strength to keep on going as a caregiver. It was only a month ago that I felt like I couldn't take another minute of caregiving. I am renewed with each message I take the time to read. Yours was particularly well written or at least touched my inner soul.

I have only one sibling who is 15 years younger than I am though she is physically near, she is in a different place than I am in life right now.

I have to keep reminding myself of this and wondering what I would have been like in this situation 15 years ago.

My mom is particularly difficult because she is controlling and even alienates her great granddaughter. I am from an era where this is unheard of. She is so opinionated and she expresses herself well. She thinks she should get a pass because of her age (89 years old) and certainly there should be respect for her because of her age. But she can't go around hurting feelings and  think that this young generation is still going to cater to you.

Thanks again for your comments. They helped me get through the day, maybe even a week or more.

If I was able to encourage one single person today with what I have shared .. that is a wondeful thing.  I couldn't ask for more.  

I moved in with my mom last December when it became evident that she could no longer care for herself. She was later diagnosed with Alzheimer disease. My siblings came to visit in January and in March. I have a brother whose home is about the same distance from my mom's as mine, yet I only see him when he needs to bring something to store in my mother's house. My sister is eight hours away and I have a brother who lives in Chicago. (We live in Florida.) I hear from my brother and one sister occasionally (about every two weeks or so.) The other brother I don't hear from at all. I'm spending $1200 a month so that I can have eight days off a month. My sister contributes $250 a month toward this, one brother sent $250 one month, and the other brother--you guessed it!  Also my siblings have quit coming to visit now that they know I have some respite care. Recently my mom entered the "doughnut hole' in her Medicare Part D prescription insurance, which means that we now have to pay $500 a month for her presciptions. When I told my siblings about this, none of them offered to pay--my sister suggested I talk to the pharmacist to see what the best Part D plan would be for my mom. My sister was here for five days in April. I sent her a thank-you note after she left, but still received an email complaining that I had not even thanked her when she left. Of course, I feel they are the ones who should be thanking me, but they seem to feel this is my job. I feel that all the resentment I feel is only hurting me, so I try not to think about my siblings, but this is very hard. I don't like having to ask them for what I feel is obvious.

It helps to see that so many people are in the same boat.

I am sending you a big hug because 'misery looks company'. 

Your story sounds so much like my own. My mom is also 89 years old. Our house is a big larger but not arranged for much privacy. My mom is very alert when it comes to involving herself in our business.

My husband cannot leave the room or go outside without her asking where he is going. Initially, we agreed on bringing her to live with us when she was gravely ill. I never thought she would be so disruptive.

She has diabetes and congestive heart failure and there are things that she can't eat that we have to sneak when we want or need it for ourselves. This is as basic as water but extends to fruit and other foods as well.

She must limit her intake of water/fluid because of fluid build up in her body. Whenever she sees or thinks someone is drinking, she feels she should have some also. She has become an Orangejuiceaholic. Having a small glass is not sufficient...and it is full of sugar.

I have only one sister who is comfortable with me putting her in a nursing home. I am retired and as long as she can take care of her physical needs and is somewhat mobile, I would like to be able to keep her here with us.  That also means that I don't get the help I need for respite from her or my adult children.

It surely helps to have someone at Caring.com to share these experiences and mmake it through another day.

Hats off to all of you are trying to fulfill the obligation that makes our parents quality of life better in their last days.

My prayers are continually with all who are sharing.

Sincerely,

I am feeling a little confused with my sibling

1st I was calling for help. then engaged in arguements,

then when homecare was in placed, I recented their lack of calls,

After they finally began to help, offered doctors conflicting nfomation from both of us

I shut the door, and felt it was shamfull, NowI entered that program with financial help

as mentioned bt others here, Now  able to get all my parent needs, Flowers, Holiday

decorations; and we are very happy.,. But my heart crumbles over the inexpensive a call

is this day and age; and to not get called and asked how we are doing. Makes me very angry.

I am considering disowning my sibling for good

Thank  you sooooo much for the replies/concerns, but my heart now goes out to everyone who is sharing their lives so openly with all of us in Caring.com.  Each story has a little added piece to my happenings, and it's so relieving to know it's not imagineary, but real and the struggling part is that some things change when those changes really need to remain and have continuity and the other factor is the subject of why we're all truly caring, with no assistance from our siblings!  Two months later from my initial posting, things are actually the same with two (2) exceptions....... mom has been diagnosed with non-hodgkins lymphoma and has begun chemotherapy, and the other factor, I finally phoned one of my sister-in-laws to say, "you know, when  you and hubbie (my bro) surprised mom for her birthday in March and came up, took us to lunch, just a few hours that you were here, meant so much and made a whole new mindset for days following, if you and the other bros could just do that more often, I'm not asking for financial support", ......"oh, he (hubbie) said something just the other day, I'll talk with him and tell him you called",...... and know what, that's been a week now, and even my tearing at the time talking, hasn't made any change, because to me, that would be a 'reaching out' if I heard that from a family member or even a friend!  Mom and I are doing well learning this new pathway regarding her diagnosis.  Actually, my stress level has changed from the focus of her too, that  I first wrote about, with the exception, of course, no support from the siblings!!  So, stresses will remain in yours and my pace in all levels of those around us, and when I take my mind off of what isn't being done/shared by the siblings, I actually 'beam' inside knowing that I'm content that mom is with me, and I'll do my very best to maintain the way in which I care for her!  You know, I've just thought, she's not going to change after all these years regarding any suggestions from me, and too, I'm not either going to change, but I'm doing more to back off, try and understand more, and put more of a compromise just in our being together!

God's blessing to all.............

I certainly understand how you feel, if it ain't one thang it's another...I don't know where you are in the order of birth or your career status but although it bothers me that I don't get the help I need from my siblings, I have to admit that I wouldn't be able to do this at all, if it had been 8 years ago.

Perhaps you are in a different place in life than your siblings. It does seem they could make more of a sacrifice but I think they can almost forget the situation exist when they stay out of touch. I can sense the guilt though they don't do any better.

You can be assured that you are doing what you can for your parent(s). We can vent to  each other and relieve some of the frustration. This sacrificial deed is no good to us if we are going to stay bitter all of the time. I was feeling bitter just two weeks ago and wondered how I could stand it another day. I have a garage full of my mother's possessions and I would love to get rid of the things and put my car back in the garage like it used to be.  I can't even get the help I need to do that.

However, everytime I go to this website, I come away with a better attitude.

Keep your chin up. Here's a hug. 

Thanks so much for the hug. I'm the oldest and the only retired sibling, so I suppose it's just natural that I would be the one to do this. It just bothers me that my siblings have to be asked for everything. When I express a need, there are no spontaneous offers. My younger brother is not employed, but is taking college courses to  become a certified teacher. Although he is only two hours away, he never comes or calls. My older brother went to Connecticut in May for his grandson's second birthday even though our mom's birthday was the same weekend. My sister had promised to come back to relieve me after six weeks in April, but then went to France to visit her grandchildren instead. I feel that I am the only one making sacrifices. I gave up a part-time job and community involvement to come to live with my mom. My older brother had said he was going to be back in June, but he never showed and now is not talking about coming. I really feel so alone with this burden.

  I've found that the best thing I can do is to regard myself as an only child and try not to think about my siblings too much. I email them when I have information to report from my mom's doctor visits, but otherwise I don't initiate phone calls. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing, but it seems as though I was just adding to my stress by trying to get my siblings involved. I'm trying to take pride in the fact that I can do this job all by myself.

    Thanks for listening. I wish I could offer you some delicious cheese to go with this whine!

Thanks so much for your heartfelt response. I think I know the hurt you must have felt when you got no response to your phone call. I have decided not to ask my siblings for anything any more. It seems that it just makes me more stressed. You might try my idea of imagining yourself to be an only child.  Your mom is lucky to have such a loving caregiver. Try to just focus on the beautiful gift you are giving her. I send my prayers to both of you.

I know how you feel about considering disowning your siblings forever. I am wondering what our relationships will be after my mom is gone. We may not have any relationship at all. I recently had a nice email from my sister, but this was after she had sent two perfunctory emails in response to mine. She finally said I was taking good care of our mom.

I'd like more information about home care and financial help. I have someone to sit with my mom, but I have to pay her $1200 a month for eight days. Actually, this is a bargain as the agencies charge about three times as much.

Try to not think about your siblings. Imagine you are an only child.

Good luck.

I sympathize with your dilemma. Try to balance your love and care for your mom with the needs of your family. You might try nursing home shopping. You may find one that seems appealing. Good luck and God bless.