Approaching controversial topics with caregivers?

Hi TheGrandChick,

I'm always in favor of being as straightforward as possible.   And one of the things that is so interesting to me, is that after fretting about stuff and should I - shouldn't I say something, that when I speak as honestly as I can, and from the heart, I'm almost always returned with some wonderful and surprising response. And yet I often drag my feet about it.  

So I guess I would say something like this.

You know... (name),  we are so appreciative of your kindness and sensitivity to our grandmother.  I'm really glad you are here.  I am aware that you are religious and we want to be sensitive to that as well.   So I wanted to let you know, and I don't really know what your personal beliefs are, that we too have deeply held spiritual beliefs and we welcome everyone into our lives.   Some of our dear friends and relatives are gay, lesbian, etc.   and for us it is important to talk about them and support them in their journeys.   We don't want to be offensive to you, but also don't want to not talk about these important things.  Is that okay with you? 

Whatever you say, I think its important to be open and non-confrontational about it.  That will help her to respond in kind.

anyway that's my 2 cents....

Let us know how it works out.!!!! 

What a great question!

I like Bodhi's approach.  I think there's a way to be straightforward where no one feels like they, essentially, have to be apologetic about their beliefs.  ("I'm sorry if this offends you, but...")  Instead it can go more like, "In our family we're very involved with gay rights in xyz various ways because xyz various reasons.  I want you to be aware because grandma may talk about it from time to time.  It's really important to us for you to be sensitive to this as it's an issue that is very near and dear to our heart." 

As I'm writing this, though, I'm wondering if you even need to confront the situation until there's an issue.  I can think of a few people I know who are deeply religious but support gay rights.  Maybe this gal falls into that category.  Maybe you could gauge her reaction by having a talk with grandma, in her presence, about your day which included some of the things you mention.  That may open a cool opportunity to look to her in the midst of it and say, "Tina, did you know that our cousin Faye is a lesbian?  So is Uncle Roy.  I'm not sure if you've met them yet.  You'll love them as they will you!  As I'm sure you can imagine our family is really involved in gay rights activism.  We love our family so much!"  That way you're not saying, "We believe X and you may believe differently." which could put her on the defensive.  You're simply saying, "This is what our family holds in high value."

I can't wait to hear an update on this!  This is a fantastic question that I'm sure loads of people encounter.  Thank you for posting!

Hey The GrandChick! What a great question, and Missy, I think, really nailed it there. Perhaps the more 'matter of course of the day' way is the way to go - if it comes up, it does; if not, then, life goes on.  However, I do feel you on the fact that Grandma may say something and take her new caregiver off guard, and Grandma may not remember to explain anything - still, the caregiver is there to give care to Grandma, not to proselytize to her, or to try to redirect her life story by saying she's wrong. If those things come up, then certainly, a discussion is in order.

Do let us know how things are going! :)

I agree, excellent question! I had to chuckle over your comment about feeling like you were playing  the board game "Taboo!", trying to avoid the subject. :) For that reason, I am leaning towards Bodhi's advice- going ahead and having a straightforward conversation with the caregiver  now about it. That will relieve you of the pressure of having to "dance" around the subject.

If she's a true professional, her personal beliefs will not affect the care and support she is giving your grandmother. Since you and your family already like her so much, I'm confident that this speaks of her character and professionalism and any conversations about personal beliefs will not affect her caregiving. Please come back and update us and best of luck to you!

Thinking about controversial topics more generally, and focusing less on LGBT issues specifically, I think the approach (Missy' reveal through conversation in front of caregiver versus Bodhi's conversation with caregiver) depends partly on the topic.  My father has sexual obsessions and less inhibition about sharing them due to his dementia.  While incidents related to this are not frequent (not daily) they do happen.  I have felt it was necessary to warn caregivers beforehand so they know what to expect and are not taken aback.  it is difficult to discuss such private issues with people I don't know well, but it is better than them quitting because they feel offended or find his comments innappropriate. 

Okay, so, I have no idea if anybody is still following this thread, but it's come to my attention that I suck at folling up at stuff, and since I thought of this thread today, I figured I ought to post a follow-up.

The long and the short of it was this: we decided to just basically talk the way we normally would, though I tamped down a little of my anti-homophobic rhetoric for a while (because I can understand how someone who doesn't know me well might not get the difference between how I feel about people who are actively, publicly homophobic, and those who believe that homosexuality is wrong, but don't harrass others because of it). The aide either didn't notice, or didn't care; she never joined in any of the discussions one way or the other. (Okay, I admit, I didn't try THAT hard to include her; it felt like rocking the boat.) Unfortunately, she had to leave for unrelated reasons, and since then, most of the people who've been working with my grandmother have been much less openly traditional, making it a lot easier to deal with.

As I mentioned, I thought of this thread today, and I figured I'd mention why: Missy had what might have been a great suggestion, had the original aide still been around today: my uncle (my grandma's son) and his family came over, and while we were looking at pictures, my aunt mentioned that she recognized an outfit that "John and Andy"* had purchased for my cousin. And I thought to myself "Huh. What a wonderful opportunity that would have been to say to the aide 'I forget if we've told you about John. John's been my uncle's best friend since they were kids; his family lived in the house behind grandma's.' and then segue that--as we frequently do, on the level, when we talk about John--into a discussion about nature and nurture, since both John and either one or two of his three siblings are gay." (*names changed, even though the men in question are both out.) Because, y'know, since we speak of John and Andy and John's siblings with nothing except love (and a funny story I like to tell involving my grandma being strongly for gay rights, and yet still sometimes not quite "getting it"), that would probably get the message across that we are not only pro-gay-rights politically, but that our personal feelings about gay people are that, well, we don't care!

In any case, I really wanted to thank everyone here for their suggestions. They were all worth considering, and it was really helpful to have several different viewpoints and ideas to choose from to fit the situation. And, I promise, I really will try to be better at correspondence around here!

You keep on coming back and let us know how your grandmother is doing, B. :)

Oh, must I?! ;-) Nah, I'm kidding. It's just, y'know...there isn't much good in how she's doing. I mean, she hasn't actually kicked any of the aides out of her house yet, which is a good thing, but other than that...yeah. On the other hand, y'know, humor helps. Sometimes really disturbing humor (it helps that my mom and I share a penchant for dark humor), but humor nonetheless. Hence the original question (answering Laura's response) in this post, and the reference to her not kicking the aides out (yet). So, there is good, but it's mostly of the trying-to-deal-with-it variety.

yes, you must, and you can wander around and offer advice to others too, young lady. ;)

Yes, ma'am! Nah, seriously, I really am hoping to have time in the next few weeks to do exactly that: not offer advice, necessarily (since God knows, I freely admit, most things I don't handle too well), but yeah, to take a look around, see what I have to contribute. School (college) doesn't start again for me for about another six weeks, so hopefully in that time I can contribute around here, give back some of the help the great people here--staff and members--have given me. :-)

Hey GrandChick,

I really relate to the dark humor part.  When my mom was in the hospital last year, near the end - and she knew it - was getting 2-3 blood transfusions aday.  There were non-stop jokes about her body, body parts, blood vampires, etc.   She even started thinking up these perverse and funny haiku's.  It was like nothing was sacred -  just all part of life and end of life.  maybe we need a dark humor joke thread

Stay in touch!

*snickers* I agree, Rebecca! I think we should have a dark humor thread! Because it seems like a lot of people here do use pretty dark humor (either with or without the person they're caring for) to cope, and I bet some people would love to have an outlet for all the really funny, sick things they think up that they can't tell anyone (except, y'know, their loved one or co-caregivers). And, it would be nice for the people who DON'T like dark humor, to just be able to bypass that thread, and not be really offended by some of the stuff others of us would like to share. (I was having a great conversation in another thread regarding "answers you give to way-too-frequently-repeatedly questions when you just can't give the real answer one more time" and--while I thought it was hilarious!--I can understand why it might have been hurtful to someone who didn't have that sort of biting sense of humor...especially considering that jokes about death and dying were involved.) And, hey, I never noticed the emoticon thingies before, either! Now I have something new to show my personality with: