This is my first time posting but I have read several other posts. I will try not to let this get too long!

I am only 23 years old. I started dating my boyfriend about 2 1/2 years ago. A few months in, my mom was diagnosed with Lung cancer and didn't even make it through her first set of treatments before she was gone. My dad hasn't been around for years, she wasn't married, and I was her only child. At the age of 21 I was left to deal with not just the greif of losing my mother but all of the things that must be done afterwards, ALONE. My boyfriend was great during this but we had only been dating a couple of months. He was dealing with issues of his own as well. He was an alcoholic. His family turned him in to CPS and his 3 year old daughter, of whom he had full custody, was taken away. He had to go across the state for impatient treatment which left me even more alone than before. I won't go into the details of the long and difficult process of getting her back but eventually we did.

However, at that point we had decided it would be better financially to move into my mom's home that I inherited instead of paying rent. I thought I was ready but I was wrong. My mom was very meticulous. She had a place for everything and although most of her material possesions were older than me, looked as new as the day she bought them. Now, all of a sudden I had a man and a child who were brought up believing that you don't need to take care of things because you can just buy new things, messing up everything in my mom's (I hadn't accepted that they were mine now and not hers anymore) house. I'm embarassed to say, this made me very angry and controlling. Part of me wanted everything to stay as she had left it and how she would have had it if she were there.

Then, perhaps the most ironic thing that could have happened, did. The house caught on fire due to a faulty baseboard heater. We lost nearly everything due to smoke damage. Fortunately, no one was hurt. We moved around from hotel to hotel until the insurance company finally set us up in a temporary apartment for several months. This was in October so we were displaced for the holidays and never really got settled. The insurance companies drained all of my time and energy trying to (for lack of a better term) screw us.

Recently, we bought a house. A bit of a fixer-upper but we were young and healthy. No sooner did we replace all the carpet and paint the interior and move in before we found out that my boyfriend, at the age of 29, now had cancer too. He has Hodgekins which has a high rate of not just survival but cure as well. However, he has stage 2B which means it has spread and he has not as great of odds as we had hoped. I honestly believe that he will be just fine but meanwhile he is very sick and this is all very hard for me to take care of him.

As I mentioned eariler, we have been together for about 2 1/2 years. Ladies, many of you know that for lots of us, that's the point when our biological clock starts ticking much faster and louder. Now, I know I am only 23 but I have had doctors telling me since I was about 17 that I may not have a lot of time to have children because of certian medical issues. I know there are other options like adoption and seregate mothers but I'm sure most of you understand that I would REALLY like to carry my own baby to term. We were already talking about getting married and adding to our family when the doctor told us that once he started chemo we wouldn't be able to conceive naturally for at least 2 1/2 years and after that there's always the chance of him becoming infertile. We had about a week to "try" and didn't succeed. We went to the Center for Reproductive Sciences to (Sorry if this gets a little personal) freeze some sperm so that we can hopefully have children soon but that cost a small fortune and put a lot of financial strain on us. He can't work much anymore and I am a teacher who makes next to nothing as it is.

I also mentioned earlier, that my boyfriend is an alcoholic. He has a very addictive personality. He has taken to drinking again, spends just about any time he feels OK enough to get off the couch at the casino, and when he doesn't feel OK, sleeps until 2PM and sits on the couch playing video games all day. He decided it would be best to have his daughter not see him like this so she is staying with her grandparents (her mother is a mess) so now he sits around and does nothing all week and then tries to be superdad on weekends and wants to be her best friend instead of her father. I am losing my boyfriend and best friend right before my very eyes and can't seem to do anything to stop it. As you've read, we have been through so much and I can't bring myself to throw it all away now, especially while he's sick but he's a different person and I don't know how to handle it. I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother me that he feels "too sick" to do aything with me anymore but on weekends he can go to fairs and the circus, and run around with his six year old killing himself trying to keep up with her and then takes the whole week to recuperate. We used to do everything together and now I feel like he's pushing me away and he doesn't want to deal with relationship problems because he has so much other stuff bringing him down but I find it increasingly hard to care for him and do everything for him when our relationship is suffering so much. I feel for him and want to help him but cancer or nothe's still my boyfriend and I still have needs too. I know I shouldn't take it personally, but it's hard not to. I don't have many friends because when we quit drinking we had to cut ties with many of the people who we hung out with because they too drank a lot. My mom is obviously gone and again, I have no siblings. His family is full of enablers and in many ways are causing more problems rather than helping. I'm running low on ideas of where to turn for help and support. I know I'm just making things worse right now no matter how hard I try to make things better.

If anyone is still reading this, thank you and I'm sorry for how long it is... I have an appointment with the pastor of my church in a few days but if anyone out there has any insight or advice I would really love to hear it!