Hi Evan,

Let me first say how sorry I am that you and your wife are dealing with this diagnosis. I'm sending warm and optimistic thoughts your way.

I'm not caring for a spouse and it's been a few years since we've dealt with cancer and the treatment of it in our family. However, my father-in-law told us and my mother-in-law, in no uncertain terms, that life should not stop for any of us. He knew we loved him. He appreciated all that we did. But he wanted us to get out and keep on going forward in everything we were doing.

If your wife is encouraging you to keep up with your love for music and suggests she'll enjoy some "alone" time, start there. If you need to course correct down the road, do that. Be honest with each other and yourself, love each other and yourself and support each other. When you do those things, no matter what you do, it won't be wrong.

I'm looking forward to hearing what others have to say. I know we have many spousal caregivers here.

Keep us updated!

Evan, I truly believe that you must take care of yourself, as well as caring for her as you feel you should. Part of caring for yourself is still living your own life. It will bring you joy, and relaxation, and better prepare you for the caregiving portion of your day.

Think of it as recess at school. A break to let some restlessness out, get some energy in, and then back to work, such as it is. :)

Evan,

I am sorry to hear about your wife. I know how confusing it is to know how to help a spose in these kinds of situations. I am dealing with a similar situation except that I more or less made the decision to devote all my time and energy to my boyfriend as he is going through chemo therapy. Now, after a couple of months I realized I must take a step back and try to find ways to get my own self back. Not only did I burn out by not taking care of my own needs but I flat out smothered my boyfriend to the point where I fear I have caused more harm than good. I only wanted to help and make everything easier for him but can't give that to him if I am not well myself. I believe that people really do sometimes need time to themselves to deal with things in their own way and she may feel guilty if you give up something that is important to you for her. Just let her know you are there if she needs you but you want to give her some space. You probably know her better than anyone so just try to keep open and healthy communication going.

Evan, you have already received some valuable advice. I cared for my husband for seven years before he passed away. When he was gone, I had no friends, no interests, no life. You must take care of yourself. Trust your instincts as to when you need to stay with her. Trust your wife to tell you when she needs you. Take it a day at a time. Rally your family and friends for support. You can't allow yourself to fade away and, besides, you and wife will need some semblance of normalcy...trust me on this one. Besides, music can be very therapeutic under these circumstances. God Bless You as you begin this journey together.

Evan, I think the advice from caregivers has been right on the money, so I'll address this from the side of the receiver. In 2007, I was diagnosed with stage II breast cancer. I had a lumpectomy and sentinal lymph node removal; there were not 1 but 4 cancers, like beads on a string, the surrounding tissue was full of precancerous cells, and the sentinal node was involved. Next was chemo, left mastectomy, tissue expander insertion, removal of my ovaries and tubes, removal of 12 more lymph nodes(fortunately uninvolved), radiation, expander removal and implant insertion, removal of implant and expanded skin because of radiation damage, new implant inserted and an LD flap to cover and replace the damaged skin and muscle, then a new nipple made from the skin and a tattoo to make it look real.(Whew!) I also had other surgeries, some unrelated to the cancer. I'm now a 1+ year survivor, and I can tell you that through all that, my husband and kids were there for me. However, I told my husband to take his walks and play on his darts team and other things to keep him sane. I didn't want him running himself into the ground taking care of me, getting me to chemo, appts., etc., taking the kids to school, and go to work and work late to make up for the time he used for me. Your wife WILL want her "own" time, whether to just veg out, cry and rage, talk to friends, get on the computer, or whatever else she needs to do to help herself. You go do your music and singing to refresh your soul and recharge your batteries; you can always keep your cell handy, and she can call if she needs to. You will both need time for yourselves, or you could get exhausted, resentful, burnt out or narrow your minds to just the cancer. Work to defeat the beast, but don't let it run your lives. Look for the funny side of things(it's there, trust me! Did you know just how shiny a bald head looks in a restaurant bathroom mirror??), and the beautiful; the beauty and joy of life are still there. Attitude is as much a part of beating the beast as any medication, and any good doctor will tell you that. To make a short reply long, the best way to take care of your wife is to also take care of yourself. God bless you both and give you strength, courage, grace and a healthy sense of humor. Keep laughing!

Hi Evan,

As a loving husband I completely empathize with your position. My wife was in the same situation at the end of October of last year. Diagnosed with Stage IV colon cancer her prognosis was grim.

I decided that helping her had to be my main function. All else took a backseat throughout the radiation and chemotherapy. I made it my job to learn as much as possible about the drugs and solutions presented so that I could converse in an informed manner with her various doctors and nurses.

It was a decision I will never regret. So here is my suggestion.

Spend as much time as you can with your wife. Give her your shoulder and heart as much as you can. But...

When you start to feel torn between caring for her and keeping the home on sound footing, call one of her or your friends and ask for help. They really want to, and it helps her grow closer to them.

Most men are solution providers. We want to fix things. We seek the quickest way to that goal, but this goal cannot be reached by you alone, and not quickly. You need your "team".

Get a friend to mow the lawn (or whatever) when you need to spend time with your wife.

Get away when you find yourself getting angry with her (and you will), by calling one of her friends to spend some time caring for your wife. It WILL make things better.

Find things you can laugh out loud at. Your wife will laugh or smile with you and you will be refreshed.

Talk to your personal Dr. about your situation. He/she will be able to support you in ways you may not have considered.

Start a personal blog about your feelings. You don't have to make it public.

When your wife is recovering, forward the phone to your cell so that she can get some rest. Her friends and relatives will probably understand, and she won't be annoyed by solicitors.

When she can take care of herself, get back to work. It provides a chance to get your mind off her condition, not to mention helping the financial issues.

Make a list of your team members and keep it close. Keep in touch with these people the best way you can. They can be your salvation.

As the woman before me said, "God bless you both and give you strength, courage, grace and a healthy sense of humor. Keep laughing!"

Good Morning, My heart & prayers goes out for any caregiver. You need to be strong, loving, interested & knowledgeable in all aspect of the decease you’re fighting. I don't know if you would call my situation a different one. I am a 24/7 care giver for my husband of 45 yrs. In 2003 he had a stroke, left him 1/2 blind in both eyes. The stroke was on the (L) side of the brain so it affected the (R) side frontal lobe (the one used for reasoning) that was a cake walk, he retired & we thought that our golden years would be alright. 2007 he had Pulmonary Embolisms & in the hospital for 2 months, came home with short, long & intermittent memory loss he is 67 yrs. 2008 I thought that I had a bad cold until my blood work came back. My Primary Doctor told me that I have Myeloma Cancer Stage 2, (Blood & Bone Marrow Cancer), it’s incurable, BUT it can be put into remission. I’m not on Chemo yet, hopefully it will stay in Stage 2 for some time Well, now I am my own 24/7 care giver + my husband. I still try to get out 1x a week to play Mah Jongg with the ladies I just met, I try to meet & make new friends all the time. My getting away is going to the market, getting the car fixed, going to the bank, at least 5 Doc appts a week (that is combining both of ours), having our grandchild over and Physical therapy 2x a wk for myself I really have no help at all. Our children & their spouse work full time and I can’t afford to more than $50. for any other care. I only wish that there was only one of us whom needed care. By the Grace of God I’m strong enough to care for my husband, but at times not myself. I neglect MY OWN special time for thinking & nurturing myself.
So if you have a chance to do something for yourself, DO IT! God be with you & yours. Claudine from California

Claudine, my heart goes out to you and your husband. I see you are a mentally strong and courageous woman with a strong sense of self. I know it's hard, but you HAVE to make that time for yourself. It doesn't have to be a lot of time, maybe enough time to read a magazine, sit outside and listen to nature, sit and have a quiet cup of tea, coffee, whatever. You know you need it, and I'm sure your husband knows you do, too. With regards to your double workload, have you spoken to your doctor or hospital? Quite often there are support mechanisms available to people who need help through them, or groups like the American Cancer Society or local cancer groups. Ask them, especially the cancer section of your hospital, or the Heart Association. Ask around and don't give up; somewhere out there, there's got to be help for you. God bless you both, and remember to keep your spirits up; attitude matters with the beast of cancer and with other beasts as well.

What wonderful advice. Thanks to all of you. I was recently diagnosed with breast cancer and my husband has been there for almost all appointments, etc. up to this point. He thinks he can "do whatever needs to be done" but I know it will get to a point where he can't and I am concerned that he will burn out and/or resent me. The opinions here have helped me reconfirm that he will still need his time to be away with friends or just away from the house & kids - and more importantly the cancer! It has been wonderful and overwhelming to have someone who supports you and loves you and is able to discuss terminology and the latest symptoms or whatever, but now I am sure that I need to "push back" a bit to make sure he has down time to recharge. Thanks everyone. -D. in Connecticut

Hi D,

I just wanted to send some hugs and prayers your way.

Missy

Hi All,

I have breast cancer. I found out in Oct. 2008. 2 weeks after I had found out I had cancer, my daughter found out she had cervical cancer. To tell the truth the shock was more than I thought I could bare. We moved in Aug.2009. After we were here my husband started having side aches. We had him go to the doctor. Well low and behold he found out he has non-hodkins lymphoma. This year has been a hard road. I'm only 51 my husband is 52. My daughter had a hysterectomy (sp). I would like to know where we go from here. We both don't have jobs..My husband is collecting unemployment for 20 more weeks. I am looking for advise because we both are trying to be strong for each other. He has started chemo every 3 weeks. Out of those weeks 1 weeks is not so good. I am so besides myself. I don't want to stress him and he doesn't want to stress me. So, please any help would be ever so helpful

Thank you for you time, Lois

Oh, Lois. I don't have the words to say how sorry I am at all the problems the three of you have had to bear.

You want to be strong for each other, and that's good, but sometimes being strong means showing each other when things are bad, talking about the rough spots, and crying on each other's shoulders.

That being said, you also should have other, trusted friends to vent to when you can't vent to each other. You said you moved very recently, so maybe you don't have anyone close enough yet, so why not check out the hospital/facility your husband has chemo at for information. Many hospitals have support groups meeting there for different medical problems, and also have information on others. The internet has many groups as well (you found us, after all!), just be careful they're reputable.

You didn't say if your daughter moved with you or not; it's got to have been hard on her to have had a hysterectomy, and I hope things physically and emotionally are getting better for her. Please, both/all three of you, write back to us here; we're here for you and you can always let loose with us. Many of us have had physical and emotional difficulties; I had breast cancer myself. We know some of what you're feeling; of course, every person's experience is unique to them, but some things are universal.

God bless you all and give you strength and grace to get through this rough time. Remember that you are NOT ALONE, and try to find the beauty and humor in life every day; it's still there, no matter how dark things seem. Please write back; we care.

Lisa