My mom was diagnosed with colo-rectal cancer 14 years ago. We've been through it all. Two years ago she tried the cyber-knife (or gamma knife) which gave her 2 more years. She finally stopped chemo 3 weeks ago. Everytime she tried chemo since Sept 2007, she ended upin the hospital. 3 weeks ago the Doctors made her bedridden, afraid she would become paralyzed due to the fact the tumor on her sachem bone, is wrapped around her nerves at the end of her spine. She has a foly cathadar due to the chemo in Sept. killed her bladder, then in October she had a fiscular in her colon and vagina, so she also has a colostomy bag. Through all this, she is the most positive, joyfull woman. She is amazing with her attitude! Everyone says she is so inspiring and can't get over her attitude.  I have her at my home in her favorite room, the sunroom. All windows and alot of seating for visitors. I had to call Hospice for help, even though mom says she is not done on this earth. I had to call a private nursing and home health aids, and I still have to take time off of work almost daily.  Mornings are tough. Breakfast, pills, getting dressed, emptying bags and what about lunch??  My mom is so appreciative, jovial and so pleasant to be with. I am glad I can make the last days of her life as pleasant as possible. I thank God for the strength I need to deal with this.

Hello Rusty, and welcome! I'm so glad you've found us. It sounds like you've got your hands full, but your mom's positive attitude will help, it really will. Please keep us up to date on how things are going for you!

Great Site

LaurelL I was wondering if you had any advice for me.  I am a 40 year old female whose mother was  diagnosed with stage 4 kidney cancer in earlier November 2008.  (She also has congesitive heart failure and has a defribalator.)   I have tried to have empathy for her but I am so angry.  Angry at the fact that we're almost 100% positive that she knew about the congestive heart failure and cancer since 2005 and never sought treatment until it was too late; in addition to dealing with supressed memories of abuse.  I love my mother but hate her at the same time.  I would like to enjoy her remaining time here but she makes it very difficult.  On top of everything else she wants to get a reverse mortgage on her home so she can take ALL of the equity out and purchase a car.  (She can barely walk straight.)  My brother and I have tried talking to her but she is very strong minded.  I have durable power of attorney as well as a medical power of attorney but I still feel helpless.

Any advice you can give will be appreciated.

Torn and Confused

Hello Torn and Confused,

I'm so sorry for your pain and anger. It is always so difficult to see our loved ones make decisions that do not seem to be to their, or anyone else's, benefit. I am not an expert, but let me see if I can point you to some resources here on caring.com that could advise you, and perhaps others here might have some experiences to share.

http://www.caring.com/reflections/what-i-wish-i-d-known-kelly-corrigan

http://www.caring.com/lifestyle-and-emotional-issues-when-caring-for-someone-with-cancer

http://www.caring.com/articles/feeling-anger-when-giving-care

I hope those help some, and please do come back and let us know how things are going, what you've done to make things better for yourself. :) We're here as an ear and a shoulder for you.

~LauraL

 Dear Torn and Confused,

I feel for you. I cared for my dad during his fight with cancer, which was also diagnosed very late.

It can be so hard to deal with our parents, who are members of an older generation whose attitudes about cancer and illness are so different from ours. Many older people, when they hear the word cancer, don't seek out treatment the way we would. Sometimes this is because they don't know there are more treatments now than there used to be, sometimes it's out of a resistance to going to the doctor; there are lots of possible explanations. Since you have medical power of attorney, can you speak directly to your mother's doctor in order to get a clearer picture of what's going on?

It's wonderful that you have a durable power of attorney; possibly you can use that to offset your mother's financial plans if they don't make sense to you.

Certainly if your mother is not safe to drive, you will want to discuss this with her. We have lots of resources on the site to help you determine if she should be driving and talk about this:

http://www.caring.com/articles/talk-to-parents-about-driving

http://www.caring.com/checklists/assess-parents-driving

But most of all I wanted to offer my sympathy; dealing with a hard-headed parent who isn't making sound decisions is very frustrating.... 

not a reply, bu a question, how to deal with a love one who u r not married to, and he needs ur help in making decisions about his health. he has cancer and i think he is in denial

Hello Libby! Welcome to Caring.com! 

When you say loved one you are not married to, is he family otherwise? A cousin or brother in law?  Or do you mean a partner you're not married to? Or a friend?

At any rate, I think talking with him and helping him with the pros and cons of various decisions is something you could do. He may well be in denial and just may need that guiding hand from someone 'outside' the situation, like you.

Now, if what he's after is someone to make those decisions for him in the event he is unable to because of his illness, then you should both talk to an attorney about drawing up the proper papers to assign you as guardian or power of attorney - I honestly don't know what exactly you'd need, but a lawyer will. :)

Here's some info on the site that may help you: Advance care directives

Lifestyle and Emotional Issues When Caring for Someone With Cancer

Best wishes to you and please check back in with us and let us know how things are going!

umm im caroline, definently one of the younger members here, im only 12. but ive lost loved one s to diabetes, stroke, cancer, and right now my best friend in the entire world has lost her grandma to deprssion/ suicide.  Were going at this together, and even though my daddys death was two years ago, i can hardly remember him anless i really really try,

could that be because i dont want to, because every time i do it makes me sad....