Welcome, we're glad you're here.

My mom was diagnosed with colo-rectal cancer 14 years ago. We've been through it all. Two years ago she tried the cyber-knife (or gamma knife) which gave her 2 more years. She finally stopped chemo 3 weeks ago. Everytime she tried chemo since Sept 2007, she ended upin the hospital. 3 weeks ago the Doctors made her bedridden, afraid she would become paralyzed due to the fact the tumor on her sachem bone, is wrapped around her nerves at the end of her spine. She has a foly cathadar due to the chemo in Sept. killed her bladder, then in October she had a fiscular in her colon and vagina, so she also has a colostomy bag. Through all this, she is the most positive, joyfull woman. She is amazing with her attitude! Everyone says she is so inspiring and can't get over her attitude.  I have her at my home in her favorite room, the sunroom. All windows and alot of seating for visitors. I had to call Hospice for help, even though mom says she is not done on this earth. I had to call a private nursing and home health aids, and I still have to take time off of work almost daily.  Mornings are tough. Breakfast, pills, getting dressed, emptying bags and what about lunch??  My mom is so appreciative, jovial and so pleasant to be with. I am glad I can make the last days of her life as pleasant as possible. I thank God for the strength I need to deal with this.

Hello Rusty, and welcome! I'm so glad you've found us. It sounds like you've got your hands full, but your mom's positive attitude will help, it really will. Please keep us up to date on how things are going for you!

Great Site

LaurelL I was wondering if you had any advice for me.  I am a 40 year old female whose mother was  diagnosed with stage 4 kidney cancer in earlier November 2008.  (She also has congesitive heart failure and has a defribalator.)   I have tried to have empathy for her but I am so angry.  Angry at the fact that we're almost 100% positive that she knew about the congestive heart failure and cancer since 2005 and never sought treatment until it was too late; in addition to dealing with supressed memories of abuse.  I love my mother but hate her at the same time.  I would like to enjoy her remaining time here but she makes it very difficult.  On top of everything else she wants to get a reverse mortgage on her home so she can take ALL of the equity out and purchase a car.  (She can barely walk straight.)  My brother and I have tried talking to her but she is very strong minded.  I have durable power of attorney as well as a medical power of attorney but I still feel helpless.

Any advice you can give will be appreciated.

Torn and Confused

Hello Torn and Confused,

I'm so sorry for your pain and anger. It is always so difficult to see our loved ones make decisions that do not seem to be to their, or anyone else's, benefit. I am not an expert, but let me see if I can point you to some resources here on caring.com that could advise you, and perhaps others here might have some experiences to share.

http://www.caring.com/reflections/what-i-wish-i-d-known-kelly-corrigan

http://www.caring.com/lifestyle-and-emotional-issues-when-caring-for-someone-with-cancer

http://www.caring.com/articles/feeling-anger-when-giving-care

I hope those help some, and please do come back and let us know how things are going, what you've done to make things better for yourself. :) We're here as an ear and a shoulder for you.

~LauraL

 Dear Torn and Confused,

I feel for you. I cared for my dad during his fight with cancer, which was also diagnosed very late.

It can be so hard to deal with our parents, who are members of an older generation whose attitudes about cancer and illness are so different from ours. Many older people, when they hear the word cancer, don't seek out treatment the way we would. Sometimes this is because they don't know there are more treatments now than there used to be, sometimes it's out of a resistance to going to the doctor; there are lots of possible explanations. Since you have medical power of attorney, can you speak directly to your mother's doctor in order to get a clearer picture of what's going on?

It's wonderful that you have a durable power of attorney; possibly you can use that to offset your mother's financial plans if they don't make sense to you.

Certainly if your mother is not safe to drive, you will want to discuss this with her. We have lots of resources on the site to help you determine if she should be driving and talk about this:

http://www.caring.com/articles/talk-to-parents-about-driving

http://www.caring.com/checklists/assess-parents-driving

But most of all I wanted to offer my sympathy; dealing with a hard-headed parent who isn't making sound decisions is very frustrating.... 

not a reply, bu a question, how to deal with a love one who u r not married to, and he needs ur help in making decisions about his health. he has cancer and i think he is in denial

Hello Libby! Welcome to Caring.com! 

When you say loved one you are not married to, is he family otherwise? A cousin or brother in law?  Or do you mean a partner you're not married to? Or a friend?

At any rate, I think talking with him and helping him with the pros and cons of various decisions is something you could do. He may well be in denial and just may need that guiding hand from someone 'outside' the situation, like you.

Now, if what he's after is someone to make those decisions for him in the event he is unable to because of his illness, then you should both talk to an attorney about drawing up the proper papers to assign you as guardian or power of attorney - I honestly don't know what exactly you'd need, but a lawyer will. :)

Here's some info on the site that may help you: Advance care directives

Lifestyle and Emotional Issues When Caring for Someone With Cancer

Best wishes to you and please check back in with us and let us know how things are going!

umm im caroline, definently one of the younger members here, im only 12. but ive lost loved one s to diabetes, stroke, cancer, and right now my best friend in the entire world has lost her grandma to deprssion/ suicide.  Were going at this together, and even though my daddys death was two years ago, i can hardly remember him anless i really really try,

could that be because i dont want to, because every time i do it makes me sad....

Hello. I am new to forums but am so glad I found your web site through another site. My husband had bladder cancer 2 years ago and had his bladder and prostae removed. He now has an urostomy. The words that he had cancer hit me like a brick wall. I have been his caregiver since that devistating news. He had been doing so well. Then about six months ago his health started to turn around. I started complaining to doctors about the fact he was losing weight. Then about two months ago I finally got his nurse's attention to the weight loss fact. He has a bad back and must see his doctor's nurse every month for pain reassesment to receive pain medication for it.She brought this to the doctors attention. About a week after getting her attention about this matter he fell as his blood pressure had dropped very low. This fall caused problems with his rotator cuff and I had taken him to the emergency department for xrays to his shoulder as I wanted to make sure he hadn't broke anything. The ER doctor told us he looked frail. I was actually excited that someone finally noticed what I had been seeing. This was on a Sunday morning, on Friday morning because the pain in his shoulder had not subsided I called his doctor to get a consult for a MRI. It wasn't 10 minutes and they had called back saying they wanted to see him in the doctors office at 7:30 on Monday morning. The exam required him to remove his shirt and the doctor was slightly shocked by the thinness of my husband. He weighed 154 pounds. Down from 238 pounds. His blood pressure was 80/54. This prompted the doctor to order an abdominal CT scan and a bunch of lab work. When he received the report from the MRI he put in a consult for a Hepatologist. He had lesions on his liver. They were still very small, only about a centimeter and we made a game plan for a colonoscopy an EGD endoscope and an abdominal MRI.They thought that he might have metastisized bladder cancer in his liver. Then 5 days later we were told that the blood work results were coming back and that the markers for CA19-9 were very high. They were several thousand and they should only be around 100. Then the doctor told us that these markers were for pancreatic or gallbladder cancer. So they ordered an endoscopic ultrasound. which he goes for tomorrow. He had told me about a month ago that the cancer had returned, so when the doctor told us about the elevated markers I hit that same brick wall again. He has also told be to prepare myself because he says he knows he is dying. I keep praying that he is wrong on one hand and on the other hand I kepp asking myself how do you prepare yourself for the loss of the love of your life. I have been researching everyting I can about pancreatic cancer but I have no idea on where to research preparing for the death of a man I love very deeply. Any help on this matter will be greatly appreciated. I have gone to the to do list section here and printed out the to-do-list for cancer.

Hi Tamberlee,

I'm so sorry to hear about your husband! How frustrating to be trying to tell things to doctors and having them not listen - that's just not acceptable and I hope you gave them an earful.

Here's a link to our information on pancreatic cancer: http://www.caring.com/search?query=pancreatic

Please know he will feel your love through it all - love never dies. Ever.

(((hugs)))

Hi Laura,

Thank you for the beautiful message. I visited the link and it gave me some hope that we are early on in his diagnosis. He is getting his EUS now, and hopefully we'll have some answers by hte end of the day. Sometimes, I think that is the hardest part is all the waiting you have to do on all the test results. People have been telling me ever since this all started two years ago, "If it doesn't kill you, it will only make you stronger". There are days I am not so sure about that. Thank you to all for being here. It is nice to know that I can talk with people that know what I am going through.

Hi, Right now, I am caring for my husband. In March of 2009, he got really sick and when we took him to the ER, they found he had pneumonia and "lung masses" that caused them to be concerned about. Well, anyway, he was diagnosed with lung cancer and a PET scan revealed that he doesn't have cancer anywhere else. He has been on chemo about a year now and the doctor had taken him off the chemo during the holidays so that he could enjoy his Thanksgiving and Christmas without any problems. But soon after New Year's he came down with pneumonia for the third time that required him to be hospitalized. The doctor had a CT scan done on him while he was in the hospital which showed the cancer was growing. So, the doctor put him back on the chemo. He goes every other week. He goes in and goes through about 3 1/2 hours of treatment in the office and then they hook him up to a "pump" that he stays connected to for approximately 48 hours. He is sick when he starts his chemo and gets worse when the pump comes off. He doesn't feel well for several days, up to a week. So far, he hasn't had severe hair loss or weight with any of the chemo. But, it effects his digestive tract and just overall feeling of just not feeling well and sick to his stomach. Right now, I'm trying my best to take care of him when I'm not working. But, sometimes it's a little overwhelming. Trying to take care of him, the home and me. I'm just asking that if anyone prays for people here, I need prayer that I can stay strong for everyone involved, especially for Tom, my husband and me. Thanks,

hello freespirit. welcome. I'm so sorry to hear about your husband and how difficult it is being. We are thinking of you! Have you lit a candle for him here yet? http://www.caring.com/caring-candles/candle-spotlight

Our life changed in the blink of an eye! May 23 2010 my husband Tom went to work came home was fine. May 24, 2010 6:30 AM Tom is short of breath, bad pain in right shoulder and told me he spit up blood 2 days before. Off to the VA Hospital 2 hours after arrival told he has pneumonia being admitted, 2 hours later told he has a blood clot in his lung, blood thinners started, MRI, CT Scan & Bronchoscopy done, 2:00 pm that afternoon - Stage 4 Adenocarcinomia - metasized to Brain, Abdomen, Left Kidney and Right lung! We are told it is imparative that we understand there is no chance of a cure. But they are sending him to Radiation and chemo. Update July 6, 2010 - Tom has finished 10 rounds of radiation and is starting chemo tomorrow. One chemo treatment a month for 4 months, What is that going to do? How much time does my husband have? The Doctors will not answer these 2 questions. My husband has lost 56 lbs in 6 weeks, he is not doing anything, He is still eating a little, but sleeps most of the time. I love this man with all my heart and I am watching him "melt" as he calls it. He told me yesterday that he is not afraid to die, he is just damn mad that I have to go through this. this is not what he wants for me. I told him I wouldn't be anyplace else. I feel like every day may be the last with him I am so scared, If the doctors could just give me an estimated time 3 months, 6 months what ever I think I could relax and my husband and I could spend this time in a calm relaxed manner. They will not tell my! WHY!!!I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me, and I can't catch my breath! I feel like I am suffocating. Can anyone please help me?