It's been a few months and I feel like I'm going through every stage of grieve at any given moment.
He was actually diagnosed before we started dating. We had met online and hit it off so well that we ended up falling in love. I was kind of in denial about the whole situation - he didn't look or act sick, and he had a "I'm going to beat this" attitude that really attracted me to him. I moved out of state to be with him and we moved in together. It wasn't until the second year that we were together that he started declining and I became his primary caregiver (his family lived 500 miles away). At 28 I feel that life has been unkind. He was too young to die. And although I've gotten to the point where I can experience joy and have recently started dating again there are moments where I feel extreme guilt for trying to move on and be happy. We wanted to get married and have kids (assuming he would be cured). He was my first *real* relationship and we were so perfect together. At the same time it was extremely stressful. I had panic/anxiety attacks often and they would sometimes last for hours. I sought therapy and sometimes contemplated whether I had made the right decision getting with someone who was diagnosed with a terminal illness. There is extreme guilt for taking my anger out on him (I hadn't really made any friends so he was all I had). But I loved him and there was no turning back, no walking away, no letting him die alone. I was there with him in the hospital when he passed. I had a feeling the night before and said my goodbyes. Although unconcious, he must have heard me because his heart rate went up and he made the first noise I had heard him make in three days. 9 hours later he passed. Two days later I helped bury him - literally. Me and about 10 other people helped dump sand over his gravesite - which I still have yet to really see because it was a temporary stone and I have since moved back home to be near family and friends
I know it's not supposed to be easy, and I will probably have these feelings for awhile. But at the same time I know that I can get through this because I have already gotten this far. I now comprehend what my therapist meant when she told me that this experience would make me a stronger person (although there are moments where I feel far from it)
I'm not really sure why I'm here or what I expect from this site. I just like to talk about it. Maybe there's someone here who can relate and we can help support each other through the process
Hi Kristi,
I'm so sorry for your loss. Cancer at any age where one is lost is very difficult and hard to understand and get through! While this site is meant for caring for the elderly, cancer happens at any age and I'm sure others here will have some advice for you on getting past it.
It's hard. My own father died at 53 (he was just weeks from turning 54) from lung cancer and just this week I had a crying jag over it. It's been seven years.
The great thing about loving someone is that they permanently make a mark in your heart. They leave something of themselves behind, right there, and so you always carry them with you.
It will take some time. It will ease up. It won't ever fully go away, but you'll be able to say, decades later, "When I was younger, I met a man I fell in love with, and he taught me..."
Best to you.
Laura
Hi Kristi,
*hugs* to you. I lost my father-in-law to cancer seven years ago and my dad only 12 weeks ago. I'm right there in the throes of grief with you. I know it's not the same as I've lost a parent and you a significant other. But the feeling of loss still sometimes overwhelms me. I have three things to share, though.
1. Be kind to yourself. Recognize you've been through something big and NOBODY could handle it perfectly. If we didn't get upset or angry, what does that say about the relationship that was lost?
2. There is no one right way to grieve. When my father-in-law passed, my husband was very stoic and quiet about it. Truth be told, that made me so mad! I was like "this is your father! Cry!!" That just wasn't his deal, though. I know he feels the loss. I know he still grieves. It's just different on the outside than how I handle it.
3. Life is often about decisions. Your loved one's memory is honored by you deciding to keep putting one foot in front of the other on a journey towards being happy and peaceful again.
I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm glad you found us.
Thanks. My biggest fear has always been losing someone close to me. This was the first time that has ever happened. And although it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be there are still days where the pain is just unbearable. I'm sorry for everyones loss, cancer just really SUCKS. it has definitely changed my perspective on practically everything, I have a new outlook on life. But there's this void I cannot fill, and I feel that I've lost my purpose. I would give anything to go back to being his caregiver again
You are a very brave and wonderful woman Kristi, and I’m sure that God is very happy that you got to spend the time you had with your boyfriend. I’m sure that you had good memories of him, and I’m sure his soul is looking down on you and your life and he just wants you to be happy because he loved you so. You did a wonderful thing and you should be proud to have known someone like him. Things happen in life that we don’t always like or aren’t prepared for, but that’s one of the best thing about it, I was told. It’s just so random, that sometimes we have to create a piece of regularity that we are content with.
I would suggest seeking support if you need it, from friends and family. What you two had was very special and nothing could replace that, it’s just a different type of love that you will feel with another person, but that bond that you two had will always be there, since you guys loved each other so deeply.
I pray to God that your life will be filled with blessings from here on out and I’m sure your boyfriend is feeling that same. He wants to see you happy. Sure it will take time to be at that level of happines again (I was told? I think), but in the end, it was really worth it. Believe that things happen for a reason (not necessarily a bad one), but there are things we don’t understand in the world and they happen, but the love you gave to him probably meant a lot to your boyfriend and he was able to make you happy as his girlfriend.
I really don’t know what else to say, but I just want to say that you are very kind and nice and God loves you.
Kristi:
Send me an EM. I'm with the Well Spouse Assocation http://wellspouse.org/forums [wellspouse.org], and these are the people who will really get what you have been going through over the loss of your partner.
im sorry to hear about your loss i to lost my boyfriend to kidney cancer he closed his eyes one year ago July 3, 2008 and this has been the most difficult year in my life. He was my friend first and he fought a good fight, cause thats just who he was "a fighter" i miss im every day. i feel lost in this life right now and i dont want ot talk to people who have no idea of what im feeling cause i think they dont truly understand how much of an impact this has been to me. All i know is i miss Ira so so much.
It's the hardest to see a loved one die when so very young. My daughter died of a very rare Ovarian cancer just one month after her 21st birthday just 4 months ago. Knowing her prognosis was not good, I prepared myself to live without her and I do miss her and realize that her final days were spent with her family and friends all around her, it had to be comforting to her and I am honestly fine, knowing she was in so much pain that I really did want her to let go and stop all of that suffering. The part that gets to me is all of the things she did not (and will not get to) expereince or how unaware she was when she got swept into the hospital the last time that she would not be coming back home, to not know she wouldn't be back. She said goodbye to everyone in the hospital, not on her own terms, her own things, her own pets and maybe all of that is really my own greif, displaced into what I might feel myself if I was dying and what I would feel or miss. Nonetheless, she is much better off than that place she was there at the end with all of the pain, all of the drugs and all of the stress. She kept fighting and I never had the heart to tell her to let go, thinking she would give up completely, since she still had faith she could beat it and as her mom, I would look like I had no faith in her or gave up on her. So complicated we are as human beings, thinking, assuming, empathizing, imagining. I will never truly know how she felt at the end of her life because she may have hidden all of that from her loved ones to try to spare us, (and she was just like that) but I know that she knew we loved her and that has to be the most important part.
1st Sorry for your loss.
2nd Pray that God will make you strong enough to go on. Not to forget your boyfriend and the time you was given.
3rd Give yourself credit for being there for this poor guy who you and only you help him when he needed someone the most. God will reward you, you can bet on that.
4th You live your life and have fun and go on cause he would want you too. Don't feel guilty.
God bless you and stay strong, Cindi
Hi Kristi
I fully understand . I lost my husband one year agio to brain cancer also. Yopu were brave and did what was right for you . You will benefit from you new found strength
Judith
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