Fiance' has lung cancer

Dear FJ, I'm so sorry to hear about this situation. How sad for you both. Have you asked your fiance's doctor for an honest, straightforward prognosis? The reason I ask is that if his lung cancer is inoperable, you need to ask if it's curable, or if the chemo is being done to push the cancer back and buy time. As for the personality change, that could be caused by so many different factors; your fiance may be depressed, or in pain, or struggling with this new perspective on his life, that he may not have as much time left as he thought. Chemo is very hard on the body, and he may be uncomfortable or exhausted from undergoing this treatment. I would discuss the personality change both with your fiance and with the doctor and see if you can come to an understanding about what's causing what before you make any decisions.

Melanie,  thanks for your response.  Some of what you suggested I have already done.  The prognosis is 50%+ for cure according the chemo doctor.  He said the drugs used today as opposed to only 10 years ago have changed the cure rate signigicantly.    I have also discussed the situation with my fiance' - just two days ago.  He seemed to "get it" but today was one of those ugly days again.  He is on an antidepressant - has been for awhile - but he is so angry most of the time and lashes out at me.  I am trying very hard to be understanding and supportive but it's not easy and I have my own future to consider too.  Besides him, I care for and oversee care for a 91 yr old aunt.   If my fiance' is likely to continue in his present mood, I cannot handle it.  If it is temporary, I can tough it out, but will not marry him like things are now.  So I will try to talk with his doctor.  At least he has given written permission for me to do that.    I really wonder if others have had the same type of experience and came out OK in the end.

FL J

I know you posted this a month ago, how are things going? My fiancee has skin cancer that started in his intestine and spread to his brain in December. It has no cure, but he is on chemo and it's helped him. He was first diagnosed in October and was my boyfriend at the time. He proposed a few weeks ago and our wedding is in August too. He has been pretty good but goes through moods just like your fiance it sounds. For a while after it went to his brain he wasn't 'himself'. He was cranky for a while, then he just wasn't very communicative and not cranky, but none of the joking around like he used to have. He has since started joking again. Some days are better than others. I know I go through different moods. It's hard to think about a wedding when something like this is going on. I hope you can stick by your fiance and he comes around, but it must be incredibly hard being a double caregiver.

Hi Naurek and FL J, you two are making me realize I need to add some articles about cancer and mood changes. I have heard from a lot of people about the depression, and have some articles on that on the site, but I will add some information about mood and personality changes. Cancer that's spread to the brain can cause people to undergo personality changes very similar to those caused by a brain injury because the tumor presses on certain parts of the brain. Chemo, radiation, and steroid drugs can all be used to shrink the tumor, reduce the swelling in the brain, and often a cancer patient will "seem like himself again."

There's also the simple fact that facing the possibility of mortality when you're not ready has a profound effect on anyone, and people react in different ways. Coming to terms with a cancer diagnosis sets in motion a grieving process, and one of the natural stages of that process is anger. Many people move past this to acceptance, but some don't -- my father, for example, was still very angry when he died of esophageal cancer after only four months to come to terms with it.

I sympathize with your situations so much, and will work to get more information on the site for you. Meanwhile, there are many questions and answer in our Ask and Answer section and many articles that might help you.

a inlaw of mine died of lung cancer early this year she had the cancer surgicaly removed and then she had chemotherapy,she went down hill very quickly,she wanted to die,within a month she had her wish,Her husband wished she had followed my example.she went so quick,.it was a shock.I refused all treatment I am into my seventh survival year,I might be a freak,my doctor does not know.I think it was my live style change the did it.but I have never heard of anyone else refusing treatment for cancer.please answer if you are able. 

Update -  After only three chemo treatments my Fiancee'  had a lung scan and abdominal scan a week ago.   On Wed. he got the results.  There is no evidence of any tumors remaining.  Where the larger one was, there is a small cavity;  where the two smaller ones were, there are opaque spaces.  Just prior to chemo he had a brain CT which was negative.  The doctor said he has never seen total remission after only three treatmens.  We think it is miraculous.  The doctor wants him to get three more treatments just to be safe, so he will.  You would think with all this good news that his mood would immediately change but it has not.  He is still not the happy, easy going man he was 6 months ago.  He will be finished with the next round of chemo in about 8 weeks.   Until then I am sort of on hold, I guess.  Thanks for the input.

wonderful news but did he have surgery?as for his mood change it is a shock to the system finding you have cancer,it will take time,I felt I was commiting suicide when I refused treatment. 

After my comments about lung cancer.my relative had surgery before  chemotherapy .A friends whose wife died two months after having surgery for cancer removal was told that the cancer was of a type that spread after being cut,chemotherapy had no effect.Mark James(a top golfer)who had a cancer as big as a rugby ball,which was shrunk useing chemotherapy,before being removed by surgery, he made a great recovery and was back playing professonal golf quite quickly.I sent a e-mail to NHS website to query whether surgery could spread cancer they said it could they had altered procedures to limit this,but it made no difference so they abandoned the procedure..all the many friends and relatives who died from cancer,had chemotherapy after surgery.so if cutting causes the spread of cancer,and chemotherapy attacks the imune system.Well,it makes me think. Quality of life is more of a priorty not a cure.I dont expect a cure,I live by the day,and provide for the future,up at 7am golf practise then gardening, next in my gym preparing for tommorow,which is my golf tournament day.if can live to next year,when I am eighty I will be delighted.

Thank you for your answer, Octoman.  I wish you all the best in life.  We are very thankful for this complete remission/cure.  No, he did not have surgery.  We were told his cancer was inoperable.  He had little side effects from the chemo.  Just fatique.  And, of course, my biggest concern - personality change.  I was ready to deal with all kinds of physical changes but not personality changes at all.  Going from a happy, optimistic man to a negative, not so happy man is what I am now most concerned with.  From others, like you, I hope to gain the information I'm looking for.  Will he return to the man he was 3 months ago, before chemo, or not?

 Is the man you loved going to return?is your concern.well if my experience is anything to go by yes(I put my experiences first they are down below)remarkalbly simular to my own. I was depressed ,but any body who has been happy soon gets fed up with being miserable,also no I personally did not experiece chemo they found I could have surgery but if you refuse surgery you can't have chemo? (nasty lot)my inlaw had it .she was a lovely happy person but chemo made her want to die,unfortunatly she got her wish. every time I send a comment I learn something about me and other people. I once  had a compete nervous breakdown,the medical proffession were no no use at all,one psychiatrist would throw the others pills away as useless.they seemed more mad than me!but I did recover without their help I found pills wont help,this experience helped me with my cancer therapy .I had deep depression,when they told me I had cancer in my liver as well my stomach and growths on my kidneys,they offered me inhabital(drug cannot quite remember the name )oh!just thought,was your diagnoses via CAT scan?mine was and until I had a PET they belived I was doomedwith PET scan you are injected with radioactive fluid.the PET scan showed only the stomach cancer was active,so they cannot tell from a CAT scan if your growths are cancersor not. the biopsy shows up stomach cancers(THOUGHT)  your concern is for your mans mental condition.so I will go to the top of the page and put it up there (and they said I was mad!)I hope my experience was of help.best wishes Ken. who is more jolly now than before he had cancer,love is worth the wait.

I read my upside down comment to you .Well I was up hitting golf balls at seven am then I was repairing my wifes mobility scooter then spent time in my gym then garding then e-mailing my relatives in canada.taking little yorky a walkies so I was a bit braindead .hence to strange.letter I started the the letter with my experiences,then decided you really wanted information on whether your man will recover his former happy nature .lets give you another example,when discovered I had cancer I was a good golfer I soon became a awful golfer now it has come back I am a great golf better than I was before.Us men are funny folk .Sorry about the spelling I was a good speller before started these letters I think my brain is telling me to stop!good buy Ken.again 

Your response is giving me hope.  Our wedding is scheduled for Aug.  Hence my need to know what to expect.  Thank you.

I am glad that my clumsy letter helped you.8 weeks of chemo8 weeks to get it out  his system? (you do know what awful things it can do to your mind and body,I )I feeel so sorry for him.lets hope he has a quick recovery I understand your concern.My wife is disabled with anginia.diabetis,two repacement knee joints that put her in constant pain three prolapsed disks in her back, odema of her legs and ankles.ect so she is not a happy camper and my sense of humour(I try to make a joke of everything)annoys her at times,but after 48 years of marriage, I adore her.but if we had just married,I would also have my doubts,best wishes.Ken.   

Thanks , Ken.     So, what you're saying is that for every week of chemo going in, it will take the same amount of weeks to leave his system?  He and I have had talks about this in the past couple of days and he says he doesn't mean to act the way he sometimes does but just doesn't seem able to help it.  He asks me to please bear with him.  Our last conversation about this was just a couple of hours ago and I am inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt and move forward with our wedding plans.  Do you concur?

I just arrived home from playing a round of golf! so I am some what tired,but your response has woke me up ,I am so pleased he is aware of his behaviour and he is trying to put it right The trouble would be if he was not aware he was being depressive and blamed you.No! I am not saying that for every week of chemo you need a week to recover,first  his imune system needs to recover,that depends on is constution,which seems great (getting remmision/cure is extraordinary)also apart from fatique and personality change (depression?)no hair loss,mouth ulcers constipation?it seems there are so many positives,you are bound to succeed.also in psycholo-analysis if you remove the source of unhappiness (chemo)the patient is cured I do so hope I am right.in my case after I found the cause of my unhappiness.(it was not the death of my bride of three months(first wife)it was my response to the tragedy once I saw this it was all down hillhappy KenPS did he have a PET scan?like I did..

Yes, Ken, he did have a PET scan, several CTs, Xrays, and two biopsies before he got a definitive diagnosis.  He also has all the other things you mentioned - mouth sores, hair loss and constipation as well as bone pain in his long leg bones and lower back after his Neulasta shots.   I was mentally ready for all the physical side effects but was not ready for "nastiness".  He assures me this is not a side of himself that he has hidden from me and he apologizes and will tr to do better.  As I said earlier, he just asks me to bear with him on this.    His doc wants him to have 3 more chemo treatments to be on the safe side and he will do that.  The final one will be in a little over 6 weeks.  How long do you think it will be before the effects are worn off and the "old" personality will re-emerge?

Also,  I am sorry for the loss of your first wife, no matter how many years ago it was.  I'm glad you have found long term happiness now.

I dragged my poor old bones over to the computer(example of my sense of humour)actually after I had a meal I was doing some gardening then putting a new grip on my golf club,twelve months ago I had to go to bed after golf .my cancer was in charge of me,now I am sort of in charge of it,of because of it I have to eat food day and night I have to take food to bed with me.it seems my cancer gets lonley without food and makes me know it with pain,that  lasts up to three days also any impatience or temper is instantly punished.Over the phone I told,a golfing friend,who had been off golf because of a hip replacement,that I had changed so much,he said "How will I recognise you?I said"easy I am the  with the halo". now to your,how long before he is back to normal?well its is up to him and his responses  as I said before,prospects look very good.it could as short as a week, if he has no side affects.I do have a few tips if he wakes up feeling awful, do every thing in slow motion,getting dressed,washing,cleaning teeth,walking,it is amazing how it helps. If he finds he cannot sleep I listen tapes via a head phone Sherlock Holmes sends me straight off to sleep.Execise ,I have build myself a gym but there are plenty of in house exercisers.best wishes Ken 

Just a last comment I have many books,written by people who experenced chemo without fail they all had nasty moods and all recovered and were even happier than before chemo,which is natural,the calm after the storm sydrome!