'Being a widow after a cancer loss...' posted by Loving husband @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Loving husband — Fri, 02 Sep 2011 12:40:19 -0000

Dear Kathy K , I pray that your family and friends remain by your side and give you all the love and support that you need. Except for a handful of people and my two little maltese dogs, I remain basically alone much like the poor soul along the road in the bible. I pray that someday my good samaritan will come along but until then, I do the best that I can and live not only day to day but sometimes hour to hour. I have been without my dear Patty for two years now and the pain still remains. I miss her so very much and will until my time to leave this world comes. Please cherish your memories of the good times with your husband and hang on with both hands. They are wonderful medicine that even though they may bring a tear or two to your eyes, they will help so much to keep him alive in your heart. Remember, we are here for you. God Bless.

'Being a widow after a cancer loss...' posted by blessedbyhospice @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

blessedbyhospice — Thu, 01 Sep 2011 20:23:32 -0000

God Bless each of you,I lost my Husband Two Weeks ago Today to Kidney cancer that went into his Lymph Nodes and I took care of him ,with help from some Family and Great Friends who was there for the every hour Meds the last three weeks.I feel so lost and the mind doesn't always work seems I have to much going on in my head. Aching Heart and alone we were married 37 years ,and he was 59 years old.I married him when I was 14 years old. Kathy K.

'Being a widow after a cancer loss...' posted by Patricia G. @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Patricia G. — Thu, 17 Feb 2011 04:26:48 -0000

Hi Loving Husband, yes it's hard the memories, the smells of her, the sounds of silence is the loudest noise in the world. A lot of times our family members and friends don't know what to say to us. Don't turn your back on your children no matter how they are acting right now, and yes getting out once in a while and meeting people helps. Going to Senior Centers is a good place to start. You'll make friends that have been through the same thing and will understand how you feel. As time goes by it does get easier, your wife will always have a place in your heart as it should be. I am sure she would want you to go on with your life without her. Giving up, is disrespecting her memory. It was hard for me. I thought I was retired but, I'm working security, so I guess I'm semi-retired. It helps the days and nights, I have made a lot of friends and don't feel so alone anymore. As far as dating I still haven't dated more than a few times. But that's a choice I chose not to date very often. My husband passed going on 12 years this August. But I stay so busy I forget to make the time. But my being a strong willed country gal, puts a lot of guys off. Just remember you are starting over a new beginning for you. Keep the memories but don't try to live in the past it will only make you sadder and feel more alone. And best of luck with everything. Peace, Patricia

'Being a widow after a cancer loss...' posted by Loving husband @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Loving husband — Wed, 16 Feb 2011 18:13:21 -0000

I lost my dear wife Patty 18 months ago after a marriage of almost 33 years to leukemia. We too did everything together and I still have moments when it hits me so hard that she is gone that I could just scream. They say that it gets easier as time passes and in some respects this may be somewhat true but when I am home at night alone except for our two little dogs, the house feels like a masoleum. After 33 years, practically everything that I see or hear brings out a memory of something about Patty or something that we did together. I am not fortunate enough to have much family support which adds to the feeling of loneliness. Our daughter became estranged from us over five years ago and would not even come to see her mother when she was sick and dying and then would not even attend the services. Many attempts have been made by both Patty when she was here and myself to reach out to our daughter but all attempts have been rejected by her. We have a grandson who is now four years old who Patty never saw and who I probably will never see. There is also an eight year old granddaughter who I will probably never see again. Then there is our son who has practically disowned me for reasons unknown. I am never able to get in touch with him or his wife. I have left numerous messages but am still awaiting any reply with one exception. On an occasion when our son was having a rough stretch and needed money, he called and asked if I could help him out. There are probably some people who would say that I should have done so but because of the treatment I was receiving, I said no and have not heard from him since. If this makes me a bad father, I guess it does. I have very little contact with my in laws. There was a time when I would call 2-3 times a week just to talk and see how they were doing. Now, I call maybe once every ten days because when I call, I always hear my father-in-law in the background complaining that I am tying up his telephone line. So in order to not make trouble, my calls to them have been cut back considerably. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law never call me-probably for the same reason. My only other family is my sister who thank God has not turned her back. I hear from her at least once a week and every other week we do lunch on Saturdays. Patty and I had many friends and did things with friends a lot. Despite my attempts to keep in touch with them, there are only a handful who I ever get to talk to and spend any time with. Most of them have (I guess you could say) abandoned me after Patty passed which makes you wonder if they were ever actually really "friends" and before you say it, yes I have made many attempts to keep in touch with them but in most cases my cries for friendship have gone unanswered and ignored. I have heard from some people that I should go out and make new friends but sadly I am not the outgoing person that Patty was and this makes me a little gun shy about doing it. I have been told that it is my own fault that I feel alone and if it is, then I guess it is. I will not beg for friendship and am not looking for any pity so please don't take my story that way. My point in a nutshell is that losing someone you love to leukemia or any other tragedy is something that I would wish on no one. It hurts more then you can imagine unless you have walked in our shoes. I ask your pardon for rambling on and taking up so much of your time and space but I just thought that the whole story/experience needed to be told. God please forgive me if I have been a bother to anyone reading this story and God Bless all who have taken the time to read it. Please hang on to your loved ones for as long as you can and please guard those memories with them with your life because someday they may be all you have.

'Being a widow after a cancer loss...' posted by ladybrat50 @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

ladybrat50 — Mon, 31 Jan 2011 17:23:00 -0000

Hi,

I lost my husband to advanced cancer on Dec. 28, 2010..He was the love of my life, and I am lost without him. It has been bittersweet at the least, but I am just lying around. We were married just short of 39 years. He was everything to me, and we did everything together.

I hate being alone, and am not sure what to do..I have posted a part of my story below..I love him and miss him...If this is spiritual growth , it really sucks.

When Eric and I had the last few days together, it was really a precious time. I took time to tell him how much I loved him. He told me thanks for being my wife. I experessed how much I appreciated him being my husband. I asked him to forgive me for everything, and he asked me the same. We looked into eachothers eyes , and said we loved eachot...her eternally. I told him thank you for being such a good father, and he told me thank you for everything. Then he reminded me that the promises we made to eachother were forever. It was very bitter sweet. He even responded with me when he was in a coma. He woke up and told me he loved me, and whenever I kissed him, he responded. In the several days that he had his family with him, he was very happy. It was a very sweet time..I miss you , dear, but can be reassured that our time together meant a lot, and that you love me and our family. That gives me a lot of comfort. These tears are for me, because I feel bad that you are gone away. It is a hard time, but I remember how much you care for me..And, I appreciate it.

He loves us all, and was happy that we were all with him. How many people get to have their whole family with them when they are dying? I think it was a great blessing, and thank my wonderful son, Eric's baby girl Michele, his grandson Ziggy, and his nephew Dennis, and his sister who loved him deeply, Denise. I was so happy I could hold him for those last days. He was bathed in love on this side of the veil during this process, and he is surrounded now, I am sure.

What a great blessing we experienced.

I love my family so much. Thank you all for being here.

Jeannie

'Being a widow after a cancer loss...' posted by LauraL @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

LauraL — Wed, 11 Aug 2010 14:59:06 -0000

hey folks! I've taken care of the spammer and removed the posts. For future reference, your best option is to just click the flag and ignore it. :) They aren't reading what you're posting at all; they just post and leave and they hope you click. :)

'Being a widow after a cancer loss...' posted by Patricia G. @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Patricia G. — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 22:23:53 -0000

Hi Missin, It does get easier as time goes by, but there will always be the little things that trip you up. A smell, a voice, someone at a distance, a vehicle that was like his. Don't worry if tears start to flow,it's God's way of helping with the healing. I still hear or see some one that sounded or looks like Fidel. I still get a tear, and just smile. Best of luck, and keep the faith.

'Being a widow after a cancer loss...' posted by missin' @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

missin' — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 21:23:48 -0000

Hi Patricia G and thanx for your reply. I have yelled at God at couple of times, and have talked with him, along with talking to my late husband. I feel they hear me, and both guide me everyday. It is unfortunate that we never had any kids, and now my sister who was there for me always, has only turned to her kids, to leave me feeling really left alone. But I understand, even though I didn't have any kids, how important they are. I turn to my neighbors and friends, and they have all been God sent. I pray for everyone who has ever had to deal with the loss of their spouse, along with dealing with cancer. Cancer is very deadly, and that word, I am sure, scares everyone. No one really understands on your loss, unless you've experienced the loss of your spouse. I still feel very lost, but I am sure, as time goes by, it will hopefully get easier. I now take care of everything that 2 people used to do, and can be very overwhelming, but I try to stop, and listen to what God is saying to me, and then I take one thing at a time. Thanx for sharing, and may God bless you. missin'

'Being a widow after a cancer loss...' posted by Patricia G. @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Patricia G. — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 06:48:54 -0000

Hi Missin', I know how you feel with what you said about family being there for you when you were going through it with him. And now it seems like they don't have time for you. I know what you mean, but, you have to remember they were family by marriage. Don't feel bad about it, it is hard for them too. You have to make your mind up about what YOU want to do with your life, what YOU need. My husband Fidel, died 11 years ago the 20th of August. I still miss him so much, all the little things hurts the worse. But I know I would be disrespecting his memory if I didn't keep putting one foot in front of the other, and live my life. Your husband, will always be with you in your heart. You can learn to love again, but it has to be when you can let go of your husband. Keep his memory, let his spirit soar to the sky. I know it's hard to do, it takes time. And being mad at God for taking him so suddenly, have you ever told God how you feel about it. Think of it this way, God wants you to talk to him like you would your father, husband, brother, if you are angry with them you don't keep it inside. Let it rip, Get mad, stomp, yell at him, tell him off. He knows what's in your heart, you can't do or think anything that he doesn't know before you know yourself. Just make sure you're alone, not in a public place, it might make people wonder. I screamed when I was driving home,after the Dr. told me Fidel had terminal lung cancer and was going to die. Driving down the highway I was so mad, I just started screaming at God. By the time I got home I felt better, a little deaf. And there was three calls on my answering machine. My daughter had called, I called her back, as soon as she answered and heard my voice she said, Mommy what's wrong? I heard you screaming. Fidel and I lived in Texas, my daughter lives in North Carolina. That is how close my Daughter and I are, She could feel my pain. So get mad, tell God how you feel about everything, he loves you and he understands. And you won't hurt his feelings or lose him it will only make you closer to him.

'Being a widow after a cancer loss...' posted by missin' @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

missin' — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 05:40:32 -0000

I too have asked for God's guidance every single day. My husband of 24 years, passed away 2 years ago this month, August, and I have had to learn to keep moving on, without him. I try to keep very busy, but at times, I just want to sit and cry all day long. He died so suddenly from lung cancer, we found out on a Saturday that he had it, and had spread to his liver and brain, and was nothing they could do about it. So he went from being in the hospital on Saturday, to going to Hospice on Wednesday, only to pass away on Friday night. I was in shock for about the first year. Since we had no kids, my family, brothers and sisters, does not understand at all on what grief is all about. They was there for me when it first happened, but now after only 2 years, it is like I hardly exist. So I guess I rely on my neighbors and a few friends, and God. I feel like God is always with me, but at times, I get so mad at him for taking my husband away so fast. But without his guidance, I would not be where I am today. Thanx everyone for letting me share. Any advice on how to keep moving on, would be greatly appreciated. Missin'

'Being a widow after a cancer loss...' posted by angelsbaby @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

angelsbaby — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 16:23:58 -0000

Thanks for listening and being here for me i need that. And please pray for my brother 44 yrs 2 months ago dx with brain cancer stage 4 but he is going to be positive, I am with him 100 % but can you beleave that my brother was givibg me comfort with my husband was sick via the phone and now my brother is sick. My first colonoscopy is for the 6 of oct wish me luck on the drinking part.

hugs to all

michelle

'Being a widow after a cancer loss...' posted by Patricia G. @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Patricia G. — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 01:40:00 -0000

Michelle, I know what you're going through and how alone and lost you feel. There are so many feelings and questions. I know how you feel about selling his things. I had to sell my husbands tools, his van, things that he worked so hard to get. I was angry that I had to sell them it wasn't fair. Why, he paid full price and someone was going to get them for half the price. I decided I was not going to sell nothing of his I would keep it all. His nephew ask me one day, Aunt Pat, think about it this way, Uncle Fidel, would be upset knowing his tools are sitting and rusting, you know how much good care he took of them, Some other man can use them, the only one that's going to want or need them is someone that does the same kind of work. He was right, The man that bought all the tools had, had his stolen a week before and he could not work without them. So My darling Fidel was still helping someone in need. I live in an apartment now, not by choice, my house burned down 1 month and 11 days after Fidel died. So I lost everything. At 2:00am Fidel, woke me up saying honey wake up, get up Pat. Still keeping an eye on me. If he hadn't woke me up I would have died in the house fire. What I'm saying is if you feel angry, lost, that's part of the healing process. If you want to treasure his memory, start over, be strong not because you have to but because of all that you shared with your husband. Use the strength he made you feel. Draw on his strength that he shared with you. This is a new start for you, a new chance. I am sure he would not want you to give up. Feel sorry for yourself, get angry at him for dieing, get angry at God for taking him from you, God, understands and already knows what you're feeling. All you have to do is Put it in God's hands. It does get easier, not over night, but day by day.

Your new Friend, Patricia We've all been through losing someone we love, we're here for you.

'Being a widow after a cancer loss...' posted by Patricia G. @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Patricia G. — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 01:10:08 -0000

Thanks Denise, Try it you'll be surprised that as you watch them going up they will dissapear, as if Heaven opened up to accept them. It is truly amazing how much hurt they take off of you. Patricia

'Being a widow after a cancer loss...' posted by LauraL @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

LauraL — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 23:52:58 -0000

OH, Michelle. I'm so sorry for your loss and how much change you are having to go through. (((HUGS)))

'Being a widow after a cancer loss...' posted by angelsbaby @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

angelsbaby — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 19:51:04 -0000

I am new here my name is michelle, my husband who was 53yr ,35 yrs married just passed away in april from colon cancer, I am so alone, I can relate to all of you . I am in a short sale can't afford the mortgage with out my husbands income harley road king had to go back after paying 500 amonth on that for 2.5 yrs that was hard to go threw with the bike my husband loved his bike and we rode every weekend .I have to sell our boat its on craigs list i hope that sells . I will go to an apt and try to go on, this all to new for me i cry everyday i miss him so much,And for my husband it was a painful passing and i was his caregiver to i can still see him in pain when i close my eyes. It just seems not real to me. thanks for listening

michelle

'Being a widow after a cancer loss...' posted by LauraL @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

LauraL — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 21:52:44 -0000

Denise, I think you have a great solution. We all need someone and if this is what helps, more power to you! :D

'Being a widow after a cancer loss...' posted by deeocala @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

deeocala — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 14:56:52 -0000

Patricia, The ballons sound like a wonderful idea. So very true on your post. God Bless Denise

'Being a widow after a cancer loss...' posted by deeocala @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

deeocala — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 14:49:55 -0000

Missy this is Denise (Deeocala)

'Being a widow after a cancer loss...' posted by deeocala @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

deeocala — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 14:43:16 -0000

Missy, thank you so much for your comforting response. I have 5 grown and married children, and there is two of them that agree to what I am doing. But you know what? I needed someone to fullful some of my emptiness. Grown children have their own lives to deal with. They don't have the time to fullfill the emptiness you can have as a spouse loosing so many years of your life. One of the children that came around to understanding was when his wife filed for divorce. He called me how empty he felt and how he now understands what I am feeling, only I was married years longer....My older daughter and husband understand as he lost his dad. The other children hopefully will understand, but if not, I have to go on with my life, whether I want to or not. It is very difficult for me as I already have depression issues, but without my roommates support and help, I really don't think I would be here writing about it. You sound very loving and caring, its very hard when someone close to you passes on, and even harder on the loved ones left behind. I thank God I found caring.com as it is even more of a support for me. Thank You Missy, Deeocala

'Being a widow after a cancer loss...' posted by Wellspouse @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Wellspouse — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 20:29:57 -0000

Partner or spouse -- it really doesn't matter which- on the Holmes-Rahe index of stressful events in life, that is 100 -- the top of the scale. My condolences to Krissy and Denise and Patricia for their losses. And yes, exercise is one good way to put the grief aside. There are also grief support groups. The Well Spouse Association has a Forum section for "Formers" whose spouses have died -- http://wellspouse.org/forums

'Being a widow after a cancer loss...' posted by Missy @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Missy — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 12:19:23 -0000

Hi Denise,

Thanks for your post. Sharing your story helps others (like me) who have, in my case, a mom dealing with the grief of losing Dad. I'm not sure how I'd, iniitially, react to her wanting a roommate, but hearing you talk about it was food for thought. I'm sending may warm thoughts you way and I'm happy you found a situation that works. hugs

'Being a widow after a cancer loss...' posted by deeocala @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

deeocala — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 20:22:33 -0000

I lost my husband to cancer after 37 years of marriage. I lost him in 2007. It still feels like a bad dream. The only thing I could do which may not be right for everyone, but it helped me from being so lonely. My granddaughter got married, and at her wedding, her hew husband's Uncle had asked me to dance. I didn't want to at first, but I love to dance, so I did. We talked and got to know each other pretty well. I asked him to be my roommate. This way I wouldn't be alone, we help each other with expenses, and he loves keeping up the yard!! This has worked out well for me. I will never foget the love I hold inside for my husband. He is on my mind a lot. At least I don't go it alone now, and we take each day as it comes. Denise

'Being a widow after a cancer loss...' posted by Patricia G. @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Patricia G. — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 04:41:30 -0000

Krissy, It does not matter if you were married to him or not. I have never seen anything anywhere that says without that piece of paper called a marriage license, you can not love know love or give love. Sweety, I can understand how you feel, When someone says to you it's not as hard losing a boyfriend as it is a husband. Ask them,( if they're married), how would you know your husband is still alive. Also , you said you just want him back, do you really, think about it, It would mean he would and you would have to go through all this again. Would you want to put him through this again? I understand what you mean though. Talk to him, It may sound silly to some but it helped me. If you feel like crying don't hold it back till you're alone or where no one might see, if you feel like crying then honey, cry. People may not understand but God does. Think of all you had with him in the time you had together. If you had been with him for 20 or 30 years, it would still be to soon to lose them. I thank God everyday that I was lucky enough to had had a love like I had with my husband. It's okay to feel angry, scared. You may feel lost at times, It's all part of grieveing. There are no set rules how and when a person will or should grieve. Every year on my husbands Birthday and our Anniversary which is the same day. I send up three ballons to the heavens, one that says Happy Birthday, one that says Happy Anniversary, and one that says I LOVE YOU. I'm 61 years old to some it might sound like something a child would do. But it makes me feel better.

'Being a widow after a cancer loss...' posted by Krissy @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Krissy — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 04:00:18 -0000

I lost my boyfriend, Tom, almost three months ago on May 1st. He too died at MD Anderson in Houston, TX. He was diagnosed with melanoma in November. Everything happened so fast! I never expected him to leave me so soon. It's been awful as I try to get used to being on my own. All I want is to have him back with me. I too am exhausted and scared. I feel very alone in the world. For four years it was just us two and now I'm by myself. He was so gentle and warm and funny. I've never felt so loved and protected as I did when I was with him. I take care of household business and work because I have to - but I spend a lot of time in our bed, thinking about us. What irritates me is I get the vibe from some people that because he was my boyfriend, not my husband, that it's not as hard for me. But in our eyes we were wed. And now I am confused as to what my life is to be as a 30 year old widow. What I have found helps with my emotions is being physical. I can't think about anything when I run - and so I force myself to go everyday. I'll be thinking positive thoughts for you. Knowing that there is someone out there who really understands what I'm going through will help me.

'Being a widow after a cancer loss...' posted by Wellspouse @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Wellspouse — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 02:39:14 -0000

You might also check out the website Caring From a Distance -- http://cfad.org [cfad.org]

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