Being a widow after a cancer loss...

 My husband, Jay died during cancer surgery at MDAnderson in Houston, Texas.  Tomorrow will be the two month anniversary of his death.  I am doing things by myself, but they really just confirm that I am a widow.  I am overwhelmed by the house and everything seems to be breaking at once.  I am exhausted and scared, and above all lonely.  I keep hoping this is a nightmare I wlll wake up from.  I will continue doing things by myself because frankly I have no choice.  Jay would not have wanted me to stay home and feel sorry for myself.  He worried about that before he died.  For this sake, I will push myself.

*hugs* to you, Jayswife.  We lost my dad almost three months ago and my mom has talked about all the things you mentioned.  To boot, she's about to have surgery next week and I know, while she won't admit it, that she's deeply unnerved by Dad not being there.  I'll, of course, be with her and take care of her, but it's not the same.

I just wanted to tell you that even though you said "I will continue doing things by myself because frankly I have no choice", continuing to put one foot in front of the other is huge.  The more we realize the notion that life goes one even without our loved one, the more open we become to embracing it.

I'll be thinking about you. 

I am not a widow ... yet.  However my husband has Alzheimer's and in January moved into permanent memory support.  I'm not a widow, not single, not a divorcee, so Who Am I Now?  I have been asking myself this question.  I also ask myself another question, Who do I want to be?  I am still fairly young, 74, with many years ahead of me.  Who do I want to be now?  What do I want to do?  After asking those questions I started getting out in the neighborhood.  I joined a Toastmasters group to get back to my speaking.  I started attending a new church and meeting new friends there.  I like to go to my favorite coffee shop on the same day at the same time.  I have met two new friends there.  I took a class on writing and met someone there who is now masterminding with me once a week.  So I ask you to look out and create a whole new YOU!  Choose a new path and maybe the lonelyness will begin to subside.

LauraL, I've been a widow 10 years this August, it's not easy, but it does get easier as time goes by. I think the hardest part for me is the little things. Watching a movie, eating in a restaurant alone. I had my husband at home I was able to share and be with Fidel at the last second, I had made him the promise that I would be with him as he didn't want to be alone when he died. I treasure that I was able to keep that promise to him. His love gave me strength. And knowing God was there for him when it was time for him to go. As long as you hold on to your beliefs and trust in God you'll be alright.

There will be times you feel lost and depressed and angry and want to blame him for leaving you and to blame God. It's all part of the healing process. One thing to always remember. If you feel like crying no matter where you are, CRY. Believe it or not it helps the healing, trying to not cry till you are alone so no one will see causes a lot more pain. There are times I see someone from a distance or hear a laugh and still think, What are you doing here you're supposed to be at work. But it makes me sad and makes me smile at the same time. Fidel died August 20, 1999, on Nov. 7,1999 Our house burned down.  It was a new start not the way I would have chosen to do it.  Your husband is there for you all you have to do is talk to him, just like talking to God. You won't feel as lost. I go to do something and am not sure how and I will hear Fidel saying don't forget this or that. I just smile and say thanks honey. And go on about my business.

To Jayswife, I know how you feel, the hardest thing for me was when I went to S.S. to notify them of my husbands death.  I got angry with the woman when she told me. YOU MADE A MISTAKE ON THE FORM YOU'RE SINGLE YOU'RE NOT MARRIED.  I looked at her and said excuse me I am married, I did not divorce my husband, he died., I am not single, I'm alone because I'm a widow. To make a long story short she got someone else to take care of me. The lady said I know how you feel I'm a widow to. It just means you're not living with your husband.  I miss the little things we shared, the silly things. It takes times to heal there is no set time on how long or when. Every person is different. I wish you the best. I was scared, lost and alone, even with my family and his. I knew I had made the promise to not give up to go on with my life. I have, but I still miss Fidel and love him and always will. I haven't met anyone I just haven't tried. Do something you really want to do. Don't try to keep everything as it was when your husband was alive. Remember when he was alive you made changes to the house. Don't try to do it all at once one room at a time. It will help alot. You're doing for YOU now. Start with new bedding, and curtains. It will make a big difference.

Thanks, Patricia. That wasn't actually my story, I was bringing it over to start a new thread. :) But yes, I agree - cry when you  need to.

I think the thing is, everyone experiences loss of a spouse differently. It's normal to feel depressed, weary, and withdrawn, to mourn and so on. Later on, each at their own timetable starts to build a new life. That can go too fast, or too slow -- but the person to judge is the widow/er themself. We have people in the Well Spouse Association forum -- Former Well Spouses in many different situations - http://wellspouse.org/forums [wellspouse.org] .

Hi, My father passed almost two months ago, this week, the 25th. My mom is a very strong willed and stubborn woman. She took care of my dad the whole time he was sick, he died of colon cancer, it was 15months, 24/7, in the end we were all there, helping out, there are 4 of us kids. I was amazed, and admired my mother greatly for what she did, and how she took care of my father. But now she is really struggling, to find herself, and to find her way. My dad and her had spent their whole lives together, 50 years, she is at a loss, as to what to do with her life no that he is gone. She has a huge house to take of, and yard. She is having a hard time finding things to do. She feels lost, and alone, like she doesn't belong anywhere. I want to help her, but I don't know what to tell her, she has to find her own way, and what is going to make her happy.

vyw...:

First of all, please recognize it's not up to you, or anyone else, to solve your mother's current situation. Not that you should do nothing! But if you can help in practical ways, with housekeeping, or taking her to a movie or a concert for example, that sends her a strong message that someone cares

I have a blog in which I describe the Caregiver's Journey. It is here:

September 22, 2008 Caregiver Journey I: the Heroic Stage
http://www.carepages.com/blogs/lifeofwellspouse/posts/20080731-caregiver-journey-i

September 23, 2008 Caregiver Journey II: Ambivalence
http://www.carepages.com/blogs/lifeofwellspouse/posts/caregiver-journey-ii-ambivalence

October 11, 2008 Caregiver Journey III: The New Normal
http://www.carepages.com/blogs/lifeofwellspouse/posts/20081010-caregiver-journey-iii-the-new-normal
 

It sounds as if your mom was working her way through the stages, but was still stuck in Ambivalence when your dad died, and remains there now.

She needs time to mourn; and to work things out. A grief support group is good, too. Or the Well Spouse Association Forum, http://wellspouse.org/forums [wellspouse.org] -- there is a section for former well spouses.

Best,

I understand that it is up to her to find her way, it is just so hard to see her go through all of this, when she was so strong for my Dad, and has always been a very strong woman. She does not want to have to depend on anyone, she is only 65 and has many years ahead of her. She does not want to become a burden to us kids, which she is not, I think she is trying to rush things, like she is not giving herself enough time to mourn, and to realize that yes he is gone, I have the  rest of my life to live now. She is the type of person that wants the answers right now. She is not a very patient person.

I am not a widow yet, but I know exactly how she feels.  I placed my husband of 54 years into permenant memory suppport in January.  I had cared for him through his 8 years of Alzheimer's.   I keep asking the question, Who am I now?  What I have been doing is writing in a journal the answers to that question.  Next, Who do I want to be now?  Journal the answers.  I want new friends of all ages, for example, and have gotten out and met new people.  I met some new friends by going to the same coffee shop every Sunday after church.  I met some at a new church.  I re-joined Toastmasters.  This is giving me time to experience Who I might become!  I am just 74 and have many more years to live just the way I want to.  Have your mother try some of these ideas.  They just might help. 

The problem is she does that now, she volunteers at the church, she does the bake sales, and a few other things. But mom is very independent and likes to have her freedom too, she doesn't want to be tied down by commitments to everything, if she wants to go do something, if that makes sense. I think her biggest fear is the upcoming winter, where she is stuck inside more, and can't get out. Right now it isn't  too bad, because it is warm and she can go do whatever it is she wants.

That's great!  But those are things she probably did before.  If she is independent, which I am as well, she has the courage to explore new and exciting things.  New friends and new groups are a start.  In the winter she could take a class that she has always wanted to take.  Travel with a friend to a warm spot. 

vyw, It is hard not knowing how to help your mother. And yes she does have to find her own way, and to figure out what she wants to do now. It is hard. When you spend so many years with one man as your partner, your love, your friend, and all of a sudden they'r gone even if you care for someone for months or years. In the back of your mind you keep hoping something will happen and you'll go to sleep and wake up and everything is back the way it should be. Ask your Mother what she would like to do. Some go back to work or volunteer in something different that she has never done.. It's natural to feel lost. You can have a large house or a small one when you're the only one there now it is big. You can only give so much help. Don't push her to do anything untill she says she wants to do something. In the winter she could write a life's journal for her grandchildren. Talking about her life before she was married, her dreams of what she wanted to be, after she was married her life at the start, the silly things her and your dad done when they were first married. What your dad was like when they were dating and after they first got married. I did this and so many things I hadn't thought about just came pouring out. Sometimes I was laughing out loud other times there were tears, but it helped me and it let my children and their children see who their father and grandfather was. The little things they didn't know about. Plus it's a great healing process.

vyw:

Patricia has good advice. Talk to her about those early days, before you were born, or after, when she and your dad were still young... Most of all, listen... That is the greatest therapy one can give one's loved one: just to listen, and draw them out. 

Yesterday was Father's Day, and my birthday also. My dad died of Alzheimer's complications over 10 years ago. I was talking to my mom, and I said, "I don't think I've ever said this, but thank you for bringing me into the world." I know that she had miscarriages before and after she had me, and it was hard for her.  Anyway, she said, thank you, and spontaneously mentioned my dad, and said, "He was a good man."  And he was, and it was so nice to hear it from her, too... she is not one to lavish praise. But it was what I said, that brought forth the memories for her. Good luck!

Thank you all for your responses, it has helped. You see i live 600 miles from my mother, and I call her every day, to check on her and see how she is doing. We all promised my dad we would take care of her after he was gone, on his dying bed that was all he was worried about was she going to be ok. I think we all have our own ideas of what "ok" is for her. But like she keeps telling me, she has to figure that out, she has to find her little place, her comfort zone, her little life again, this time without dad. That is going to take her some time. It took them 50 years to build the relationship that they had, so this certainly is not going to happen overnight. I just want to make sure that I am doing everything that I can to help her, whatever that may be.

You might also check out the website Caring From a Distance -- http://cfad.org [cfad.org]

I lost my boyfriend, Tom, almost three months ago on May 1st.  He too died at MD Anderson in Houston, TX.  He was diagnosed with melanoma in November.  Everything happened so fast!  I never expected him to leave me so soon.  It's been awful as I try to get used to being on my own.  All I want is to have him back with me.  I too am exhausted and scared.  I feel very alone in the world.  For four years it was just us two and now I'm by myself.  He was so gentle and warm and funny. I've never felt so loved and protected as I did when I was with him.  I take care of household business and work because I have to - but I spend a lot of time in our bed, thinking about us.  What irritates me is I get the vibe from some people that because he was my boyfriend, not my husband, that it's not as hard for me.  But in our eyes we were wed.  And now I am confused as to what my life is to be as a 30 year old widow.  What I have found helps with my emotions is being physical.  I can't think about anything when I run - and so I force myself to go everyday.  I'll be thinking positive thoughts for you.  Knowing that there is someone out there who really understands what I'm going through will help me. 

Krissy, It does not matter if you were married to him or not. I have never seen anything anywhere that says without that piece of paper called a marriage license, you can not love know love or give love. Sweety, I can understand how you feel, When someone says to you it's not as hard losing a boyfriend as it is a husband. Ask them,( if they're married), how would you know your husband is still alive. Also , you said you just want him back, do you really, think about it, It would mean he would and you would have to go through all this again. Would you want to put him through this again? I understand what you mean though. Talk to him, It may sound silly to some but it helped me. If you feel like crying don't hold it back till you're alone or where no one might see, if you feel like crying then honey, cry. People may not understand but God does. Think of all you had with him in the time you had together. If you had been with him for 20 or 30 years, it would still be to soon to lose them.  I thank God everyday that I was lucky enough to had had a love like I had with my husband. It's okay to feel angry, scared. You may feel lost at times, It's all part of grieveing. There are no set rules how and when a person will or should grieve. Every year on my husbands Birthday and our Anniversary which is the same day. I send up three ballons to the heavens, one that says Happy Birthday, one that says Happy Anniversary, and one that says I LOVE YOU. I'm 61 years old to some it might sound like something a child would do. But it makes me feel better.

I lost my husband to cancer after 37 years of marriage. I lost him in 2007. It still feels like a bad dream. The only thing I could do which may not be right for everyone, but it helped me from being so lonely. My granddaughter got married, and at her wedding, her hew husband's Uncle had asked me to dance. I didn't want to at first, but I love to dance, so I did. We talked and got to know each other pretty well. I asked him to be my roommate. This way I wouldn't be alone, we help each other with expenses, and he loves keeping up the yard!! This has worked out well for me. I will never foget the love I hold inside for my husband. He is on my mind a lot. At least I don't go it alone now, and we take each day as it comes. Denise

Hi Denise,

Thanks for your post. Sharing your story helps others (like me) who have, in my case, a mom dealing with the grief of losing Dad. I'm not sure how I'd, iniitially, react to her wanting a roommate, but hearing you talk about it was food for thought. I'm sending may warm thoughts you way and I'm happy you found a situation that works. hugs

Partner or spouse -- it really doesn't matter which- on the Holmes-Rahe index of stressful events in life, that is 100 -- the top of the scale. My condolences to Krissy and Denise and Patricia for their losses. And yes, exercise is one good way to put the grief aside. There are also grief support groups. The Well Spouse Association has a Forum section for "Formers" whose spouses have died -- http://wellspouse.org/forums

Missy, thank you so much for your comforting response. I have 5 grown and married children, and there is two of them that agree to what I am doing. But you know what? I needed someone to fullful some of my emptiness. Grown children have their own lives to deal with. They don't have the time to fullfill the emptiness you can have as a spouse loosing so many years of your life. One of the children that came around to understanding was when his wife filed for divorce. He called me how empty he felt and how he now understands what I am feeling, only I was married years longer....My older daughter and husband understand as he lost his dad. The other children hopefully will understand, but if not, I have to go on with my life, whether I want to or not. It is very difficult for me as I already have depression issues, but without my roommates support and help, I really don't think I would be here writing about it. You sound very loving and caring, its very hard when someone close to you passes on, and even harder on the loved ones left behind. I thank God I found caring.com as it is even more of a support for me. Thank You Missy, Deeocala

Missy this is Denise (Deeocala)