You Are Never Really Prepared

Sitting down to write a reply because I personally dislike a post to go unanswered.  I know you were only venting or better reaching out, which is what I would like to do too.

Honestly, a "vehicle of hurt" can happen at any stage of the game.  I've had that told to me several times.  It hurts personally none the less to all of us that we have this in common and that our LO's push or pull some much on us.  Dreaded guilt and personal blame didn't lead anyone to find out what was happening to mom ~ it was concern.  It's not her that says these things - it's her fear and confusion for her life.  Depression is another major component of AD which also can contribute to the "blame game".  Once the air settles some individuals in the early stage(s) get better with their personal relationships. 

I've been blamed for everything... that Gram broke her hip, that she had to go to inpatient rehab, that she had to have a second surgery, that she lost her independence, that she could no longer live alone, that she gave up her apartment, that she lives with me, that I'm in control of her life, still reading... that I burnt her toast this morning.  The stress from not letting these statements roll off me will add up if you let it.  Takes time but I suggest a rubber armor or duck grease it could only be the beginning for you.  I hope not, but one doesn't know how this disease affects a person until you live it.

Often, my gram "records" the situation wrong or totally false like the laughing part.  Once a thought or memory is in there wrong, it is troublesome to get it changed.  However, you know how you felt and feel about her diagnosis.  "The knowing helps", I certainly relate.

I think many "hate" the neurologist because they didn't start having trouble nor take to light arguments over the last few years that the individual "had forgotten" or "was mistaken".  At some point a reasonable person does recognize something is amist and many sadly do believe it's old age.   If your MIL is near her 60's or beyond, she's heard about memory loss through periodicals or knows someone through first hand knowledge of that person's decline.  Gram secretly was fighting it for over six years, I suspected issues four years ago, definitely knew something was wrong two years ago and took nine months to get her to test.  I think they know but are afraid to say in a lot of the cases.  Saying this outloud brings up fighting words, words that they need their independence, that their not in control of their own lives, that they are losing their memories, etc.

You're on the right track with your inner strength.  Enjoy her still through your visits and contact.  I would think she'll come around or at worst maybe the best forget that she's blaming you.  Learn to be a duck and let the water flow off your back especially when your MIL is in the state where's she's hurting you emotionally.

Perhaps the suggestion of medication was presented or should be presented.  I have to tell you that in our family many were very upset at the thought of Gram taking these drugs, ie Aricept, Namenda, etc.  I as her advocate, researched and found the money to purchase as we have no drug coverage for her.  The side affects can prevent someone from success with this med.  It won't cure her and other things like that but in our case, it has changed the present which I'm all for.  The Aricept alone at this point has made remarkable progress in lifting the "fog" Gram felt and the repeated questions are nearly gone.  She's recording much better now and nearly back to her ole self. 

Further, the disease hasn't taken her - she's still in there.  She too is looking for joy in her life.  You two will have more time to smell the flowers if you take advantage of it now.

I had to get tissue for my sobby nose too.  Good thing I type fast.

http://lovinggrand.blogspot.com [blogspot.com]

Being the child of a parent of parent in law of Alzheimer's is tough.  My parent's died suddenly, years apart, but suddenly.  I often have wondered what is harder, sudden or drawn out.  Well, drawn out is worse because it is a series of "saying goodbye".  I am a professional in the field, have an MSSW.  I "know" lots of things to say to people who are dealing with this from a professional level.  But now that it is personal, it is a whole different ball game.  Luckily, my Mother-in-law is happy most of the time.  However, on May the 12th, her husband, my father in law and the primary care provider, had to have quadruple bypass, very unexpectedly.  We made arrangements for them both to go to an assisted living facility where they specialized in memory care patients.  For a period of 30 days, they are to be there, while Pop recovers.  It has been an adjustment, and having to try to explain to her whey they are there many times over has been difficult.  Pop is better, plans are being made for them to return home are in place.  We have found a woman who will be an in-home care provider while Pop goes to cardiac rehab as Gram cannot tolerate being out of pocket for him to have a 2 hour appointment 3 times a week.  We hope that this will work.  She has done pretty well in the facility as they have a routine, it is a safe place and they get meals and medication regularly.  However, it does not fit "their" schedule/routine, so has been a bit problematic in that regards.  I have a new appreciation for the families I "work" with.  You  all (caregivers) are wonderful, devoted, caring people in a heart breaking situation.  There are good times and bad times, I pray the good times outweigh the bad.  Support is so crucial, be it on line or in a caregiver support group at your local Alzheimer's Association, church, senior center, whatever.  Just remember that you have to take care of yourself in order to care for your loved one.