Hi Charlene, You said you had to admit your dad into a nursing home can you move your mom in with him? Check with your local Dept. Of Aging (it's probably called something else in your state) if your mom has medicaid or medicare she should be able to have some kind of home health. Charlene we all have very difficult decision to make and in your gut you know your mom being along is not the best thing for her . Can she move with you and then provide health services for her in your home. Your mom shouldn't be along at all with her condition. Maybe it is time for you to take a stand a do what you know is the right thing to do. My parent lived alone until they moved in with me. My sibling and I travel over 500 mile to visit them and was totally shocked at the living conditions and their overall well being. Even-though they didn't put up much resistance they packed up and made that trip back home with us. It was extremely nerve racking in the beginning with adjustment and old habits but I know I added sometime to their live because I'm convinced they would not have made it living alone even with neighbors coming in to check on them. Not only do you need to do this for your mom but you need to do something for yourself the guilt will get to you. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Thank you for the reply me again.

My biggest problem is literally how do I get her out? In the past the mere mention and she goes crazy ... starts making excuses and on and on we go. I've tried to "trick" her by saying why don't you come with me for a drive, etc. Her paranoia kicks in and its over. If I had a team; siblings, sombody(s) to assist I think maybe ... but probably not.

I feel enormous guilt as my mother and I were always very close. I would bring her to live with me not that I don't know the challenges ... but if I took her to be with my dad she would drop dead from betrayal ... even though I've come to the conclusion that would be best.

I don't know ... I'm not used to being stuck.

I know, my mom doesn't have Alzheimer so I can't really speak on that but trying to get her to do things she should is a job in itself. Has your mom started taking medicines. for alzheimer? With your moms paranoia it's only more proof something has to be done immediately. I found while caring for my dad before he died, the things I thought I should not do turned out to be the thing that should be done and vis versa. It's really hard but try not let the guilt get to you. The nursing home staff are professionally trained to deal with your moms disease. And who knows with the right medicine she could thrive in such a setting. Again my heart goes out to you. it is so hard dealing with elderly parent. You"re always doubting your self, wondering if you are making the right decisions. Check with different Alzheimer website to help you better understand your moms behavior and what exactly this disease does to our love ones. I think I understand when you say you "are not used to being stuck", I used to have things under control, on top of everything boy I don't know anything anymore. I see things so differently now since taking care of my parent especially since my dad is gone. Have faith that you can and will do the best thing for your mom.

My mother passed away in the most tragic way. I got the call ... she was found laying in the garage and from what weI can determine she was there for at least 4 days.

What can I say? My heart is broken and I will never let go of how foolish I was ... I should have spent more time with her, I should have stopped with my agenda of getting her out. Now she's gone and regardless of what anyone tells me I will always believe I could have done more, been more, and there is no doubt in my mind that what she probably died of was a broken heart.

Be with those you care for, love them and just be there for them no matter what - In the end that's all that matters.

Charlene, My prayers are with you at this time. The thoughts you have are all normal, especially under the circumstances with your mom. After a LITTLE time has passed please seek counseling this is way to much for you to handle alone. Do it for yourself and your daughter. I had been thinking of you this week. Again I'm so so sorry for the lost of your mom. I will continue to pray for you.

Hey Charlene- I am sorry to hear about your mom, that is truly a sad way to go. I wish I would have seen this post earlier. I would have suggested some kind of at home caregiver for your mom. I don't know how much this would have helped her but it least there would have been a pair of eyeballs watching her for part of the day. All the best.

I was not as aware as you are about the situation. It took a fall and a fracture to get my mom out of the house. It sounds like maybe Adult Protective Services could help you with this situation. Your mom is now in danger of causing harm to herself, so maybe an agency could help you best. Even the social worker at a local dementia care home could help you with a solution. Good luck, I am praying for you!

If you read my post ... you will see that my mother is gone.

The Alzheimer's Association has an enormous amount of helpful information including a 112 page Caregivers Guide plus where to find resources from Diagnostic and Treatment too Support Groups. An important call that can help anyone caring for a loved one.

Im so sorry. Please, dont beat yourself up, you tried to reach out for help and figure things out. Now, you MUST keep yourself together for your child and yourself. Let your friends and loved ones help you thru your grief. Pour your heart out to your MAKER, who is always there for you no matter the hour. Our thoughts and prayers are with you too.

As you probably have noticed by now, reading through all the letters to caring.com, there is no such thing as a "normal" situation.

I agree with PJSPT. You ought to start by contacting your local APS (Adult Protective Services.) They may not have a perfect solution for you, but they need to have your mom's situation on their radar screen.

I have a couple of practical questions for you: Do you have a Durable Power of Attorney in place? If you don't, you'll have to obtain legal guardianship.

And, if you do hold the POA, or once you get the guardianship in place, you may want to consider selling some or all of the property to raise funds to help with your parents' support? This is not selfish. It's unreasonable for you to carry the financial burden for your parents. You need to stay healthy and as stress-free as possible to be there for them and your daughter.

It sounds as if your mother would need 24/7 care, which can be very expensive. In our area, agencies charge around $600 per day.

If she does need full time supervision, I do think you should consider placing her in a facility, possibly with your dad.

When it comes to moving her, I would solicit help from anyone of authority: doctor, the fire dept/emts, the sheriff - anyone other than you. You need to remain "the good girl, the loving and supportive, empathetic daughter" and let others be the bad guys. You have the right to insist on getting some help. Good luck.

I'M SHOCKED!!! As to those who continue to post here with advice as to what I should do ... MY MOTHER IS GONE!!! PLEASE READ THIS POST IN ITS ENTIRETY.

To those of you who have sent kind and tender words I so appreciate it.

Hey Charlene,

Im sorry to read what has happend to your mother. I can't imagine the pain and suffering your heart is going through.

I too.. have a mother with almost the same symptoms. In denial and wont listen to me.... I do everything for her. At times I get really frustrated but what really matters is that I dont leave her side. I know she needs me.

You did everything you could of... you didnt know how mush time she had. She loved you... and she knows you tried. May god bless her.

Dear Charlene,

I'm so sorry for your loss and my prayers are with you. I know it's hard, but please don't beat yourself up. You tried the best you could to get your mother help and she refused.

It is very daunting to try and get someone to give up control and put their trust in another, even if it's their daughter. From the time we are born we spend our whole lives trying to gain control and then it's taken away in an instant.

If she had been in her right mind she would have listened, but she wasn't. It sounds like you've had to bear such a large burden; first with your Dad and now with your Mom. You deserve a big hug and lots of kudos! Look for a support group to help you through this difficult time. My Prayers are with you and your family. E. Vera

Dear Charlene - and all who are caring for a loved one with dementia:

I am so sorry for your loss. You struggled with a very difficult situation and there are no snap solutions. Unfortunately, it ended in the bad outcome that everyone dreads.

I found when I was helping my parents (my Dad died of Melanoma and my Mother with Alzheimer's after a long illness) that I had to hang onto two throughts: 1. I am doing the very best I can for them, and 2. I have to do what they would want IF they could make sound decisions.

Just a note, even if you have a DPOA, it only takes effect if the person is declared incompetent by a physician, and it can only be granted by the person when they are able to make informed, sound decisions. If one doesn't have a POA, then guardianship must be pursued. In that process, the court decides if the person if competent and appoints a guardian.

charlene, i'm really sorry about your mom. I just want to tell you that you an your daughter are to be concentrated on now that your mom's in a better place. I moved out of my rent controlled apartment into mom's because she refused to go to skilled facility. since there's no longterm care insurance her house will have to sell or reverse mortgage to pay for that. anyway, she's paranoid to the point that every noise she says (wild eyed)"what's that?", i have to not only close the drapes but i have to then use clothespins to not let any peeks through. she's broken one microwave by putting metal and foil in it "no" is her favorite word. She even threatend to kill me (and she has a gun which i found and hid) when she thought i was someone named "imogene".. it's crazy around this house and it was crazy around your mom's.. My mother has TWO masters degrees and on a normal day NONE of the above (except the paranoia)would be a factor. Dementia's taken hold and it's only going to get worse no matter how much she denies she's got it! that's all your mom had in store was worse. Thank God she died at home 'cause that's what she wanted. And me? Let's hope I can hold out so my mom can die at home too. One more thing-- my sister has dementia too and I probably will too eventually. I don't want to live in the throes of dementia for years and if i happened to wander to my garage looking for my toothbrush and my dementia life ends at that moment then so be it.i wish the best to you and yours and no guilt! Life's too short for that.

Dear mom's paranoid! ...of all the things people have said over this past week ... all with good intentions ... I have to say your words - all of them resonated with me. I'm going to come back here later and elaborate but I wanted to say thank you for the candid straight shoot from the hip truth! There's something refreshing in your truth.

Please don't try to second quess yourself. You did what you could at the time. Too often, we feel bad about what happens when we can't possibly prepare for what we don't know. You are NOT responsible for things you can't control and your mother had rights that could not be easily overridden. Remember, you have nothing to regret. Remember the good times. I'll be praying for you. Also, guilt and anger are part of grieving and you need help with this.

I have to tell you, it sounds like you've really been "gutsing" it out for a long time. I'm sorry that you have lost your mother, but if it was anything at all like so much of what I'm seeing these days, she just had more hell coming, and so did you. No easy way. Find the exit sign and head for it--jump start your own life. Guilt is sooo useless. Regrets aren't any better. You do what you can with what you have, and then . . . it is just time to get on with it. The worst part for me is knowing that I won't even realize the loss of my mother when she passes. She's just sliding away bit by bit. My mother, I realize now, has been gone for some time. Sometimes she's lucid, sometimes she's not. Even lucid, though, she's still not "my mother." I guess I lost her a while back while I wasn't paying attention. She's still a good soul, and she'll be cared for til the day she dies (physically), but I won't feel guilty. It's a luxury I can't mentally afford. We all do the best we can with what we have. Sometimes we don't have enough. There are no fifty cent coupons to cut for peace of mind. May your mother, and may you, rest in peace. She in the next life, and you in this one. Take good care of yourself.

Thank you ... beautiful words of wisdom.