Welcome, we're glad you're here.

Hello LauraL,

My name is Colleen Wert I am 55 yrs old until the 29th of May and then I will be 56. I am married to a wonderful man and we have been together 15 years. In 2005 my mother passed away from pneumonia complications from Parkinson's disease. She had been ill with it for nearly 15 years. My father was her caregiver until 6 months before she passed when both he and I were no longer able to care for her. It was a very slow, sad death that took it's toll on Dad and I. However, after 54 years of unwedded bliss for the two of them, she was now free of him, she never loved him and he always loved her, no matter what. After not living with my parents since I was 18 years old I did not "know" them as just people. Visits that seemed natural. I always knew they fought bitterly however. So that being said I have been an only child since I was 30 years old from the death of my younger brother in 1982, and have been the only care for them since. So naturally when my mother died I just believed that Dad could come and live with me as he now was revealing some serious medical issues, other that being hard of hearing and with heart trouble. If I had listened truly to my mother with my heart instead of the eyes of a child I would have seen what a totallu dependent person my Dad is. OMG, I had an easier time giving birth and bringing up two sons alone that trying to keep track of him! Mom used to call him dumbhead, and now I know why. I just can't seem to get away from him (nor could she, he'd fnd her no matter where she ran to) and just wants me to be his pal 24 x 7! He doesn't respect my home, my marriage or even me, he thinks I'm still a child, but yet looks to me to do everything for him, because he can't remember anythng any more. He makes changes to our home without asking, moves all our stuff to where he wants it. Spends money like it grows on trees. Makes promises and never keeps them. No means yes, he has tantrums to get what he wants, or cries, or comes up with an illness if we aren't paying enough attention to him. My life is a nightmare. My youngest son helps as much as he can by babysitting, but he has a 2 year old that he wants to spend time with and his wife. He won't join seniors groups, he has no friends and went on a vacation and got in an accident so now he won't travel any more. I would like for him to have his own place, wished I'd made him do that in the first place and now he refuses to go. I'm trying to get him in to low income housing but he figures because he's spent so much money on us and the house we owe him a place to live. Remember, I've said NO in no uncertain terms to everything he' s done to come home and it was done, large money things like major landscaping, finishing the basement and the list goes on. Came home to all new furniture one day?! He says he wants to make sure his baby has everything she needs before he dies. Ugh! Help me!

Hello Laura :  My name is Brenda.During a ten day hospital stay, my husband was diagnosed with Mild Dementia.Such a difficult, frightning disease! My husband was 56 at the time. So young!  I feel awful saying this but, it does explain some of the symptoms we have seen ,( forgetfulness, loosing things, getting lost,confusion, anger, driving difficulties etc. In the beginning I took a six mo. Family Medical Leave from my job to care for my husband. I have since had to quit my job . (Finances are a wreck ).His doctors have said , it is not safe for him to be  home alone for long periods of time.( 9-10 hrs.) He does not want  a stranger staying with him while I am away. I also have a hard time leaving him with a stranger.I don't want to miss out on a second with him. We have been married for 28 years. Thank you for this site!

Hello Brenda, and welcome! I'm sorry to hear of your husband's early onset with dementia; it must be so difficult! We have so many wonderful people here to help share your concerns - jump right in and make yourself at home. :)

~Laura

Hi Laura and all caregivers/providers of the elderly,

I am an Intake Coordinator for an Adult Day Health facility that is housed in the same building as the area Senior Citizens Center in the state of New Hampshire.  Before working here, I was an Activity Coordinator for a county nursing home.  I have many elderly ties to wanting to work in this particular field.  I was fortunate to know my great grandmother for many years as a child and had a 98 year old great aunt who was very special to my heart. 

I know a lot in particular about Alzheimer's and Dementia related issues and look forward to "meeting" both other caregivers, as well as care providers.  For those who are suffering caregivers, living in the moment:  take every day as it comes, you can never plan ahead enough.  All you can do, is live your days with your loved one surrounded in faith to keep a' goin as my late grandfather would say. 

Hello LAUREL

I Have been taking care of my mother for the pass 8 years . she has dementia she is 76 now.

I find it very hard to get support & help.Everybody wants to step in and put her in A  nurseing home.

my mom get into everything.have to lock frigrator ,cubbard.It is very hard on me.

Hi I'm sheena,

 my mom has this and its hard  i am the baby and my mom is everything to me. now she can't take care of her self we tried but she hurt her self to bad the last time and it had to be done. im in pain over it all and don't know how to deal with it. i know it can't be fixed but its hard to see her liek this i miss my mom. she is in a home now but hard to se her talking to herself saying she's crazy and wants to die please god just let me die i hear 20 times over every time i visit she cries and is upset its hard to take. I know she can't help it. how do i take the kids to see her it upsets them my son is 13 he don't want to even set foot in that at place.  i love my mom but i feel like i lost her when she is already here. how do I help her and help me?

Hi Sunshine, I'm so sorry I missed your post before. It sounds very difficult to take care of her when she's getting into things that could hurt her. Have all of your family sat down and discussed what might be best for both her and you?

Hi Sheena, I'm so sorry. One day at a time, hon. For her, just keep reassuring her that you're there and she is loved and being well taken care of. For you, you might ask around for support services for children of Alzheimer's patients. You can look at this search link, too: Alzheimer's support and maybe find some nuggets that will help you out as well. Please come back and share with us how you're doing, ok?

My dad was diagnosed with early onset alzheimers exactly one year ago at the age of 56.In the year since his diagnosis,he has deterierated very fast.He is still at home with my mom and she works part time.It breaks my heart to see my parents go through this and I have absolutly no idea what my mom is going through caring for him.I am very worried about my mom,she seems depressed all the time and she drinks more than she used to.There are no happy occassions anymore to my mom.I know she takes an antidepressent,but she does not go to counseling.We don't live in the same state,but I was home last weekend and have been worried sick since I left.My mom only wants to talk about my dad's alzheimers and how bad things are for them.She seems to be getting worse everytime I see her.I don't pretend to know the pain she must be feeling,but I know that she can't live the rest of her life like this.Any advice?

Ann77 - I am so sorry that you and your mother are facing such difficult times.  My thoughts are with you.

Yes, your mother needs helps and needs it immediately.  Her words and behaviors make that clear.  It sounds as if she is so overwhelmed that she does not know where to turn for help and needs you to find help for her.

Please contact a senior's care center in your area and ask about their support group for your mother. If no center is available, contact your local social services agency, Home Health or Hospice.  Home Health or Hospice may admit your father and this will allow them to assist your mother with the care of your father and they may offer respite care to give your mother a break from the demands of care.

Please keep us updated about the situation.  I am sure others will have suggestions for you, too.

Hi Laura!  My name is Stacey.  My mom was diagnosed several years ago with dementia/Alzheimers.  She has been progressing fairly slowly until recently.  My father, her primary care taker, passed away in Sept.  I have had someone going into her home daily since then to provide her with companionship and the care she needs at this time.  My biggest dilema is determining what to do with her next.  I need to make some decisions regarding changes in her care that will occur by Feb.  My nephew is currently living in my mom's home and is there in the evenings to prepare her dinner and stay overnight.  I live in Alaska, my mom lives in Washington.  She does not want to leave her home, but I know she can not remain there much longer.  My nephew plans to move out by the end of January.  I know that I will probably have to force her to leave her home.  She is unhappy having people come in to her home to take care of her, but can't be alone either.  I'd like to make an informed decision as to the best location for her to be in.  I would like to have her back in Alaska near family.  (No family members live in Wash., except my nephew who moved down just to help out his grandparents.)  It makes me nervous to pick out an assisted living home because I hear so many horrible stories about others who have been placed in one.  Do you have any suggestions??  All advice would be appreciated.

Thanks,

Stacey

I am a 52 year old woman with an 86 year old mother with dementia. It is especially difficult since we always had a strained relationship. She was a domineering, critical and manipulative woman. There was not much hugging going on so I find that very uncomfortable. I stick to subjects that are less antagonizing such as her childhood memories. She loves to talk about herself so retelling the same stories from her past make her happiest. When she asks the same question 5 times in 5 minutes I just keep answering them and try to steer the subject to something else. Not sure what to do when she asks to talk to my father and brother, both having passed away years ago. Sometimes I remind her of that, other times when she is yelling, and demanding to get their phone number, I say they're "out" and will call her later. Any suggestions as to what to do in this case? She is in a good assisted living facility, so I have the peace of mind that her physical and mental needs are being met, but the phone calls she makes to me and the visits to her are truly a draining, stressful experience. It's especially hard dealing with this around a stressful, full-time job, so visiting her every day is out of the question. I guess I just have to do the best I can in my particular circumstance and be satisfied with that, then let it go. Any suggestions on how to handle her demanding temperment and lower my stress levels are appreciated!

doforanimals' relationship with her mother sounds a lot like mine. Daddy passed away recently. Mother was diagnosed with dementia over a year before that. Daddy knew she was struggling, but hid it from me. I am an only child so Mother's care is on my shoulders. I realize quickly that the dementia was worse that we thought. We have moved her in to a small house near us. Now faced with trying to keep her from driving (a weekly argument). Adjuting her medicines to compensate for the outburst, paranoia and anxiety. After much thought we took her off aricept and hope this helps. She won't let me take over her finances although I know this needs to happen, I have a hard time standing up to her due to our relationship as a child. I do have power of attorney. I need advice on how to handle her outbursts and the best way to go about taking off her responsibilities without it being a constant battle.

hi my user name is Dreamkitten,My mother in law is 82 and was diagnosised with Alzheimers 3 1/2 years ago.We sold our home to help my sister in law take care of Mom.She is in what they call stage 4,what can I exspect now,I take care of her everyday since my husband and sister in law both work.

I am 54 and I am the live-in primary caregiver for my mom who is almost 84 years old.  She and I have never had a close relationship.  I am the artist and she is the one who always looks at problems in life... like I will make a nice place for us to be on the porch with hanging flowers and I am working on a flower garden that she can see from there and she only sees dead petals or weeds.  She is very negative.  I'm not sure how long she has had dementia, but the last 3 years have been very demanding.  Gradually I have taken over almost everything for her... finances, housework, shopping, yardcare, etc. 

My Pastor suggested I get power of attorney and I am so thankful that I was able to so that what i do for her finances and health are legal. 

I think that she should be in a nursing home, as I work full time and she won't cooperate with a lady that I have come in to help her.  She won't bathe or let anyone else do it.  She falls,  She has major incontinence problems that she either wont face, or cant see.

It seems like there is so much red tape to getting her into a nursing home.  Agencies offer help but I am so overwhelmed with all the information that I dont know what my next step is.  Like the one i am with now, they are there mostly to give me a break when I want them to be there to keep her clean and safe. 

I dont even know what my question is today, i am just venting I think.  I dont like the idea of going to caregiver group meetings, because it just seems like one more thing I have to juggle. 

sometimes i feel like my whole life has been put on hold and that i am in a waiting room. I feel like i am going through menopause, mid-life crisis, and caregiver all at once.

at least i have some victories.  she wouldnt stop driving and she got in a very slight fender bender so i put a false key on her keychain and she just thinks she cant start the car.  she hasnt thought to steal it back yet, so that has worked for a year now ... I also got her to let me mow the grass. she has a riding mower and always wanted to do it so it got done right, but now i am doing it and she has actually praised me for it.  I also got a PO box to keep her from going to the mailbox, as she was falling.  plus the junk mail was a major problem as she was writing checks every day to one charity or another and even to those sweepstakes, so now i have to filter all the mail but at least she is not thinking that every request is a bill she has to pay.

it is a very hard journey, being a caregiver.  I have never had children or a husband and so this is my first experience at being someones total caregiver. 

I am here i guess to be part of a group that can pray for each other or maybe be in some kind of chat room together.  I have been escaping for the last couple of years by pretending I am someone else on myspace.  Not crazy yet, but almost : )

Peace

Welcome, Jenniebear! I'm so glad you've found us. It sounds like you are making some headway, but finding some roadblocks, too. I am glad to hear you do have someone come in to give you some breaks, and I think your little roundabout alternatives (the key, the PO box) are smart and effective.

We're here to be your caregiver support group! While my mom isn't in much need of my assistance as yet, I do have three young children and I understand completely the idea of having yet one more thing to juggle, so I can sympathize. :)

We look forward to hearing more from you, and if you need assistance in finding something on the site, please do let us know.

Bless,

Laura

hello laura;i have been gone awhile but just wanted to say hi and i read everyone occassionally and am sad for some but happy to hear their stories of love and patience. my m-i-law just turned 84 on 06/17/09; milestone if you ask me; and we are in the process of getting her back to california. i hope everyones able to remain compassionate and loving no matter what they are being dealt. thx for being here for peole who do not know what to do or to talk to;peace and hugz;micki

Hello everyone I just ran across this forum as I was searching for some info regarding Alzheimers.I've just decovered that my boyfriends mother has the early stages of Alzheimers.

She was having some memory loss and not reconigzing her children and was treating them like they were still little children. She began having good and bad days not quite as often but now has been having some them pretty regularly now.She constantly calls and comes over to where me and my boyfriend lives wondering where her son Gary is and wanting me to send him home.Then within a few seconds of speaking to him on the phone or in person she's calls and comes over asking where he is and to send him home.

When this first stage began her son and I took his mother to her doctor to her doctor and she was given some sample patches to use. When she was on them she was a totally different person and they seemed to help.But after awhile we noticed that his mother was begining to having bad days and had a discussion with his sister and mother.Their mother stated that her doctor had taken her off the patches.I can't believe that her doctor would just take her off the patches for no good reason.

So as of today he has an appointment with the family doctor to explain the symptoms and hopefully get his mother back on the patches or the pill form of the medication.Hopefully he'll come back home today with some good news.

Thanks so much for starting this site! I'm a 54 yr. old woman and my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimers this year, although it seems it has been coming on for a while, but it's hard to tell the drug side effects from actual decline. She's 84. In the fall of 2009 she started having more difficulties with various things she has done for years. Then around Christmas we noticed she had gone downhill a lot and maybe wasn't safe living alone any more, so we brought her to our house in Jan. and she stayed with us until recently. It was a very hard 4 months and my husband and I are worn out. She ended up with a bladder infection during her stay with us, or maybe it had been going on before then, but it added to her confusion and behavior problems a lot, so now that she's over it, she's doing better. When she first came, she wasn't aware of how bad she was doing. I ended up taking her to alternative doctors and they gave her some herbals to get more blood flow to her brain and after that she was more aware of her problem. It helped her quality of life. She can laugh more than she could at first, even get the giggles. She was taken off the BP med, so now she sleeps better and her nighmares have stopped and she can understand more. It will hopefully slow the decline. We put her in a home just this week since the 2 of us couldn't keep up with all her needs in addition to our needs. It was so hard to do, but had to be done. We have over 200 senior care homes in our county, which are houses set up to care for up to 6 people, much better than a nursing home, which we did look at, but decided it would be worse for her there since she's not as bad off as the people there were. She's in a beautiful home and we were able to get several pieces of her furniture in her room, so it's very familiar to her. But, I miss her and miss looking after her needs, give or take a few. It's a grieving process to have lost her so quick. Just last fall we were talking about this years garden plans and other odds and ends. I'm so thankful for the people who run these homes. It's a pleasant environment for her and us, so much easier to visit there,plus we can take food for her and make up things there for her. I make her smoothies with plain unsweetened yogurt, fruit, and whey powder. She has a good appetite most of the time.

I'm her main caretaker. I have 2 brothers, but they're in other states, so I don't feel like I have siblings. I also have 2 kids, one still a teen. The tears keep on coming this week. I think it's just a mix of feelings since we moved her. I miss keeping track of how she's doing, what makes her better or worse, and sitting on the deck in the sun. She really enjoyed that. I miss her good moments. But, I think overall, she'll be happier there, with more people around. It turns out that the lady we hired to watch her when we went looking for a place for her is now working at the home and will be in charge of her. That was so great to hear since they hit it off so well. My mom remembered her every day. She was there to greet my mom when she arrived and took care of her that evening. Things went so smoothly when we started looking and we only looked at 1/2 a dozen places before deciding. There's a great service her that helps you find a place and the woman who worked with us was great.

Now, how do I cope with the loss of my mother as I knew her? It is so much like grieving after a death. The drugs she was on caused her so many problem for the last 10 years at least and I think they contributed to this. They caused her so much anxiety and she was getting too much thyroid for who knows how long.

My best to all of you in the same situation. It's a hard time.

Hello, RGB, and welcome, we're glad you're here. :) I'm sorry to hear about your mother but I am glad to hear that you are making decisions that are the best for all concerned.

Losing one's mom to Alzheimer's is just like losing her - the grief is still there. (((hugs)))

I just wanted to step in and say how much I appreciate this forum. My story is no different from anyone else's -- dealing with denial from other family members, mourning my mother while talking to her, dreading the next stages, moving from living "one day at a time" to "one hour at a time", and trying to handle the burnout. But I also wanted to share an incredible moment I had recently that no one but the folks who visit these pages will understand. I was sitting on the couch while Mom sat in her chair. We were watching DVDs of MASH, which are the only things she wants to have on the tv anymore. She was talking non-stop as usual, just the usual repetitious sorts of things. And then suddenly I realized that she had gotten quiet. I looked up at her and she was looking at me. Really looking. She looked me straight in the eyes and said, "I know what you're doing and I love you for it." I laughed, but she looked stern and repeated, "I know what you're doing." I stuttered through a wimpy sounding "I love you, Mom" and then, almost as quickly as it had happened, she went off on a tangent of unrelated conversation again. It was the most incredible gift I've had in nearly a decade. I'd like to think that all of us, even when we think we're not making any difference, or when we think they don't understand the hard decisions we have to make, could be comforted by the thought that somewhere in their hearts, they "know what we're doing and love us for it." Just wanted to share... Christee

Oh, Christee. Thank you. Thank you so much for sharing that with us.

Hi Everyone:

I am new here, 52, divorced for about 3 years now, and after reading about your problems with your family dealing with dementia, Alzheimer's money issues, and other things, I don't think my problems even come close to yours. I never knew you had it so rough as I am just a beginner dealing with an elderly dad, (he's 89) one year ago had hip replacement surgery, two weeks ago had a pace maker procedure for his irregular heart rate.

He takes medication to control his low heart rate, the same as his Blood pressure. He also takes medication for memory and his GERD, (Prilosec OTC) among others for pain, etc.

My therapist recommended I join this web site, so here I am. I am clinically depressed, ADD, have anxiety and panic attacks and ADD which I take medication and bi-monthly therapy for, My biggest concern for me is my loneliness however after reading what things everyone is going through I am ashamed to ask for any help.

My circle of friends is including my dad, my sister and her family, that's it! She doesn't get my depression and all the other things I have, maybe she never will. His bedroom has been upgraded with pocket doors and they gave us a electronic hydraulic hospital bed, new wheelchair, new rolling walker for taller people to use.

we built him a brand new bathroom with a toilet (the sales lady told me this toilet will shoot down a bucket of golf balls and never clog up plus a bidet toilet seat that makes cleaning his rear easier than a regular toilet. He has safety rails on almost every wall by the toilet and shower and medicine cabinet. I ordered both on the spot! Besides a new bathroom, we built him a new handicap wheel chair ramp in the back yard, and we had to widen all the existing doorways to accommodate the wheel chair, plus, the washer and drier are now in the new bathroom which makes life so much easier.

I don't feel right asking for help, you have enough problems then listening to me just whine about how I feel emotionally. So, I will just go now. Thanks for listening.

George :)

George --

Don't you dare feel that your challenges are any less than anyone else's! And I think we all understand the feeling of loneliness. As you get caught up in caregiving, it seems that all those outside relationships you've had in the past are the first things that go by the side. That's one of the reasons I'm so thrilled to have found this site this week. Just to be able to whine to other people who know what we're going through is a blessing. And, since we're all at different stages, we have built-in mentors who can help us with their experiences. Tell your therapist that we're glad he/she sent you! And you've already helped me -- I never thought about the bidet idea. Thanks!