It sounds like you and your sister will have to face the fact that you both have done all you can. My sister and I had to let an assisted living facility take over for our mother. It was very hard on mom and us. But the staff at the facility are wonderful and are well trained in dealing with the problems your mother has. They have the patience that we lacked and treat our mother very well. Also, she can get the physical care she might need at any time. They also have so many activities there and encourage Mom to attend. At times Mom doesn't like living there and at times she thinks it great. She has her own room with a kitchenette and was even able to keep her cat for company. It won't be easy to do, but you must realize that if you are feeling better, you can be more supportive for your mom. Your health is important too.

Hi, I understand exactly where your coming from. I and my foster brother are the youngest and have two older siblings. My mother is an alcholic and has Cancer. I am in your shoes where as my Mother blames me for everything and is verbally abusive. My little brother & I have always been the ones coping with her through countless "episodes", hospital stays, dui's, falls, etc... I lived in another state for some time and still was called in to help my little brother. We moved back close to her and we still had to deal with her. I have medical problems now and my little brother got so fed up he moved out of state. I asked my older sister to help, she calls her tells her she needs help then tells me she can't risk the pressure in her marriage and she has done all she can. We have delt with it for years and she gave up within a few weeks! Stress causes me physical pain with my condition so during this last episode of my mothers tirades against me I said no more, I can't change her, I can't stop her, She has to help herself and no one else can. I stopped answering her calls and don't see her anymore. It's painful but you have to cut the ties! It doesn't mean you don't love and care about her and it's not selfish! You have no relationship with her like this and it is running your life. Take control back by letting go, the choice will then be your mothers if she cares to get help and get better so you can have a relationship. We want whats best for them, after all they brought us into the world but being abused is not exceptable ever! You also must relize that we have siblings that have different makeups than us, they are not equipted with the same nurturing and emotional strengths. Thats what it comes down to, we may not always feel strong but we never would have started caring for our Mothers if the strength wasn't there to begin with, its not fair but not much we can do. Don't let your sisters weakness to deal ruin your relationship with her, she can no more change who she is than you. The burden of not helping may get to them or not. Say to yourself each day "This too shall pass" it helps me get by most of the time. Hope this is some help to you but also know that you are not alone in your plight!

Good Luck, Best Wishes

Thank you for your kind words and advice - I hope and pray that I will be guided.

First, know that you are NOT alone.  It is a difficult task to be there and aide a parent even IF they are cordial.  I am a nurse by practice NOW dealing with dad!  I have worked many a facility and desire not to see him there. Now don't get me wrong, in nursing we do the best we can, yet, after 9yrs in the field I am NOT an advocate to send a loved one.  You do what you have to as we all see things different.  My dad has been nasty my life too, so I feel you, I even quit work as him and them NO ONE was giving.  Well long story short for me it has been a year and I have gone from throw me in front of a truck to end this miserable life to HAPPY I SURVIVED!!! Dad is still alive and we have become a bit happier together.  I attribute this to prayer and boundries.  It was hard at first but I made up my mind and fought back.  I did a reverse of his attitude to him (woke him up!)  He told me I know I may have not been nice to you but the WAY your treating ME is not nice at all.  (kudos to me) I endured NOW he is still ugly at times but not as bad and he apologizes with meaning and actually tries not to be difficult.  I am saying all this to say GIVE BOUNDRIES and understand it is rough for her too even tho she has been this way she is reaching out for attention.....Stop the negative outburst by walking away and/or letting her know then or later (when you can be rational)  WHY you walked or stopped conversation.  It didn't get like this over night nor will it change fast but if YOU desire to keep her home and believe me from nursing stand point only send her when you know you have done all you can do. So if/when she declines your burdrn is not to much.  YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!!! and you can even email me for support if you like.  THIS site helped me when I put it out there and saw my words.....I have made a change for the better....with dad... you CAN and WILL out do mom God Bless with PEACE BLESSINGS and HUMILITY!!! raineylatif@yahoo.com  if you care to talk anytime

 My sister and I are taking care of  our 96 year old Mom.   She fractured her tail bone and she hasn't been the same since.  Dad passed away in 1960, so she has been a widow for some time.

She had a rough life raising 4 kids on her own!!!

I was working and got layed off.  I didn't realize what a job my sister had while I was at work!  It is so much easier now.  She can rest while I take care of Mom, so we take turns.  But, I think it is unfair for other members of the family not to pitch in and help one another.  After all, Mom gave birth to all of them!  It is really too much for one person!  I think that if everyone switched places for a while and saw for themselves how difficult it is, they would gladly pitch in.  Because we only have one Mom, she took care of us for so many years, we should be more than willing to make her twilight years comfortable and happy.  It is bad enough that deep down inside Moms always feel that they are a burden, and that they don't want to be.  Don't you think that they would rather be independent than be dependent on us?  Let us take care of our loved ones because we don't know how long they will be with us.  And after they are gone, we don't want to have any regrets.

We need to be mindful that when they are negative it could be the cause of something else:  they could be in pain, constipated, drug contraindications, hungry or thirsty, or just to have someone around to listen to them or a helping hand or even a shoulder to cry on.  Always ask about THEIR needs, and let them make some of their own decisions (providing that they are in their best interest).

God Bless All of Us!!!, 

Hi, I know exactly how you feel. My Mother almost 80 has been nasty to me my entire life. I took her in from an assisted living facility the end of September from out of state. She was always telling me on the phone how terrible it was living there and that my brother never visited her. My only sibling. There were no activities. All she did all day was sit in her room alone. My brother said her nastiness is gone since the stroke so I figured it would be OK. Boy was I wrong. She is still as nasty as ever. She calls me names all the time and degrades me and everything I do and degrades me to otheres. I used to get so upset that they would believe her until my husband said he can see how I grew up and he knows she is just trying to push my buttons and says all those things to make herself feel better, to get the upper hand.  She also flirts with my husband, which I think is pretty funny. He is 46. I have a friend who took care of her grandmoter and her mother at separate times and thank God I have her to talk to. My mother is an alcoholic too. I allow her one drink a day and I make it. If not, she would be even nastier. She complains all the time that I don't take her out enough and she is bored. She sits and reads all the time and secludes herself from everyone else. I found out all the stuff she said about the assisted living facility was all lies. My brother took her to his house for dinner every 2 weeks and to visit with everyone. So many things she said were lies and we figure just to get attention. Listening to my friend's advice and knowing the close people around me realize the truth, I can finally stand up for myself. When she starts on me, I say oh yes you are right and I am not going to argue with you. I can't believe it shuts her up. When she calls me a martyr and the drama queen, it used to get me to see red but now I just say I know, you are right. I am sorry. My other family members look at me and smile and I know they know I have the upper hand now. I just refuse to fight with her. I noticed since I let her think I won't fight and she does not get to me anymore, like pushing my buttons, she really does not do it as often.  Sometimes she makes me feel guilty about not taking her shopping often enough but all she does is buy candy and she is a diabetic and won't get out of bed unless I wake her around 230PM and we don't get out until after 530PM. It is hard for me to get her into and out of the car too so I really don't like to take her out and I like to be at my home anyway. I try to take her out once a week and that should be enough. I try to get her to go outside. I have 3 acres to walk around on. She comes up with all sorts of excuses.  You should see the pile of junk food on my kitchen counter of hers. Stuff there since Christmas. She has not been diagnosed with altzheimers (sp) but she has terrible short term memory. I noticed lately some of the long term is being affected too. She refuses to go to the doctor and I can't make her do anything. My friend suggested I take her to the senior center and found one very close to my house. She will not shower and I will not take her unless she does. She insists she thouroughly cleans herself everyday. I remember she used to do that when I was a teenager so whe probably does. I really am afraid to take her. What kind of lies will she tell them there about me and cause some kind of investigation or something. I take care of her very well but can't force her to do anything and really don't have the right to anyway. They also have day trips with the senior center and she insists she can go. They say she has to be totally self sufficient to go and she is definately not so that will cause another fight. Plus to get her to get out of bed and there before all the other ladies go home, would be a feat in itself. I told you all of this to let you know you are not alone. Maybe some of what I have said or how I am finally trying to handle things will help you. It sure is helping me. I just found out she thinks we have not gone out in weeks and we just went out the other day so I could tell her we went and she would never know the difference. THat was a joke. Good luck and I hope I have helped a little. I am replying anonymously just in case she stumbles on this. She might recognize my screen name and cause another big fight.

It sounds like maybe your mother was abusive growing up since she was an alcoholic.  I don't blame your sister for not taking your mother into her home.  She has set a boundary.  I say this being the caregiver who takes care of my mother who was verbally and emotionally abusive growing up.  I would never bring her into my home to take care of her.  It is hard enough just taking care of her with her not in my home.  My mother is still verbally and emotionally abusive and acts like a bratty adolescent.  Yes, you can control how you respond to her but you can't say it doesn't beat you down and suck the life right out of you.  You need a break from it for your own sanity. 

I look at this way, you would never tell someone to bring an abusive spouse back into their home, so why bring an abusive parent back into your home. 

Hi,

Thank you for your reply. My mother was not an alcoholic when I was growing up, it started when my father got ill and I was all grown up and married by then. She was abusive because her mother was abusive. I never thought of it the way you said it. I would not bring my ex back into my home because he was abusive so I really should not have brought my mother in. Right now she has to stay because I get paid to be caregiver and I need the job. I know it sounds terrible to say that but I deserve the abuse to be able to pay the bills. She does beat me down and sucks the life out of me but I am actually stuck right now. I try really hard not to let her know she is getting to me and she does not do it as often when she is not able to get me all upset. I am learning how to handle her. I really do think her mind is getting worse though. She does some really stupid and unsanitary things.

Thank you again for your reply.

I hope you will be able to change your situation soon.  You must feel like a hostage in your own home.  Like your life has been hijacked.  Would her going to an adult daycare at a nursing hoem be an option for a few hours a day?  You need a break to recharge and get some sanity back.  Would your sister or other relative be willing to take her for a few hours sometimes?   

I worry about your safety also.  When they start doing stupid stuff like leaving something cooking on the stove (like my mother did) and leaving the apartment.  Did you watch 20/20 last night?  It had a show about a son and wife who took in his mother with Alzheimer's.  How hard it is for someone. 

My mother is in the early stages of Alzheimers.  I think she is moving into the middle ground now.  I turned her into the state to try and get her driver's license taken away.  She was stopping at green lights and going right through stop signs.   You can't tell her that though, she just argues.  She doesn't see how bad she really is, which is part of the disease. 

Come back and vent here often.  It helps to get rid of some of the anger that builds up. 

I took care of ederly mother in law and now my own parents are needing care. I have learned this with my own aging parents. -  The only person you can control or count on in your family is you.  If your sister is not equipt or willing to help, get ahold of agencies and get someone else in. easier said than done.  I have a brother who is no help - self meidcates and a similar angry mom problem.  DO get some counseling for yourself.  That is not a weakess but using yor resources.  The hardest thing caregivers do is ask for help from "outsiders" when there are famiy members we think should be helping.  We don't get to choose who helps.  The ony thing we can control is our actions in the situation.  Let your mother rant - consider her loss of control over her own life and that she is at the eve of her life.  Do the best you can.  I have to love my mother in spite of herself.  Prayer helps.  Friends help.  Writing in a journal helps.  COntact the United Way or your local home health agency to see where support may be available for you.  Make a list of what absolutely neeeds to be done - do a third of it then don't beat yourself up for what doesn't get done.  I hope this helps.  Taking care of your own emotional health is key to being able to get through this.