Trial and error?

You certainly get a hug from me. Your use of the word "balance" brings light to me as a caregiver. I have been walking around saying to myself about my husband that "he is having a good day or a bad day". I think it is a good thing to test her in her daily routines. I believe it will help her to think. I know I have let my husband, who is as stubborn as a mule constantly put on his clothes and the shoes always go on the wrong foot.
at other times it puts both socks on one foot. This agitates him and he will take off all of his clothes and goes back to square one if I don't correct him. So testing them in this situation seems to work for the better, because he seems to be thinking about what is correct or what is uncomfortable. HUG for you.

I Just read your post. I agree that allowing them to do more helps them. When I see my mother really struggling for words or to physically do something then I'll jump in. I feel if I do too much, she won't do anything, even walking. She usually expects me to pull up to get her, I know she needs to walk a little for her arthritis as well. So I try and get a close spot for her that I know she can do.

Having come from the Dr. yesterday, I know it will get worse from here. I find it very difficult to watch someone you love deteriorate. I wish all caregivers a blessed holiday and to enjoy each day as you can.

I agree with the other replies: it's good to allow your mother to do at least some tasks for herself. When I moved in with my 88-year-old mother earlier this year, I made the mistake of doing too much for her. She was accustomed to setting the table for meals, washing the dishes, and doing some simple food preparation. (We decided a while back that she should not be allowed to use the stove after she left a dishtowel on a hot burner.) With nothing to do, her cognitive, motor and even her language skills began to deteriorate. I now have her do these tasks again, albeit she sometimes is very resistant: like a child who got used to being coddled during an illness, Mom tries to get out of her chores, complaining that she is tired, cannot walk, or even that she is too busy watching the TV! I remind her however of one of her friends who recently had a stroke and does nothing but sit in front of the TV all day: on our last visit, the woman cried and said she wished she could clean her own house. This is enough to get Mom out of the chair and into her apron. But it really does her a lot of good, physically and mentally. I hope you and your mother can enjoy some good times during the holidays. Your mother is lucky to have you taking care of her!

I believe its best to encourage my mother to do for herself. I have watched her many times when she did not realize I was around the corner and see that she is capable of doing alot on her own. But, if I am in the room, she acts like she cannot do or remember anything; sometimes I think its just lazyness! Some tasks are just too complicated if there are too many steps involved; simple or repetitive tasks are best. I have recruited her to be the official laundry folder. It takes her hours, but at least it keeps her occupied and all our clothes are very neatly stacked. My husband will sometimes take all his t-shirts out of his drawers for her to refold; all just to keep her occupied.

Happy thanksgiving to everyone! This is my first post, but I have been reading along for months and all of your comments have been so helpful to me - so thank you all!

Mellavan: TOO funny! As I was reading your post I realized how my mother ended up with "dishes" as her chore (she does sigh VERY LOUDLY and swear (under her breath) the whole time, but the LAUNDRY? That's where she started when she moved in with us, and what a fiasco it was. Everything was everywhere, and nobody knew whose clothes would end up where. She refused to just fold--she had to put everything away, or the job just wasn't really done. My husband found his underwear on the shelf with the hats in the coat closet. I found some of mine stuffed into my father's coat pockets. The "rag bag" ended up going through the wash and dry cycles, and then folded neatly in the linen closet among the sheets and towels. My sister came to visit and came down the stairs holding this paint-stained rag in the air in front of her, and said, with a straight face (but NOT!): "Would you like me to buy you some new towels?" My mother turned to me and said "what's the matter with you? didn't you know that should go to the rag bag?" My sister and I just cracked up. So, I'm thinking: we all get our small favors? Maybe we should have a "Mom-swap thread", and trade mothers every so often for a day or two. More dark humor: Do you think they'd notice? Or do you think they'd amaze you and BRAG about you, and say "MY DAUGHTER would . . ." or "MY SON would . . ."? Ya gotta laugh!

I guess I should be grateful that she doesn't try and put the laundry away! You are right about being grateful for small favors - sometimes its hard to remember that there are a few. YOu made me laugh with the idea of a "mon-swap!" Who knows what they would say?