time to relinquish control of finances - but mom won't

Venting is good! And welcome to Caring forums. :)

It must be so distressing for your mom to be losing her memory and having to move away from all that was familiar, but you do seem to understand that and that's a great thing. I wonder, could you hire in an Alzheimer's caregiver, one who understands how this works so that your mom wouldn't feel embarrassed if she forgot something? Someone to keep her some company, maybe take her out, etc. while you're working.

Regarding the bills - can you maybe suggest you pay your bills together? You're doing yours, let's do hers at the same time and that will give you some oversight into what she needs to pay, and on time.

Best of luck and let us know how things are going!

venting is good and I'm glad to hear I'mnot he only one on here venting I know the frustraions you are going through, Ihave both of my parents that fight to stay up one from dementia and diabetes and the other diabetes, quaduple by pass and bad knee's.... and both loosing their vision. I'm dealing with no power of attorney and they will not make ono one power of attorney, and I am expected to stop people form taking advantage of them, yet when I do my mother says I treat her like she is helpless and stupid.... and just today $78 bill came in they do not owe and she said she was just going to pay it. I do not understand she wants to keep all the money she can but she does not want to pay the bills and then she pays for items she is not tresponsible for. I do what she ask or when they are away I pay everything an they pay me back for the most part. I have really been ready to walk off and just giveup. It is getting past that point. But I love my parnets and it is hard being abused by their words reminds me of being a child again. I'm just seeing that I do not think I can handle itthis alone. Blees you and my prayers are with you.

I am in about the same stage with my mother maybe a step ahead however she lives a few miles away at home. We were blessed that there is a trust and we were able to let the trustee talk to her about letting them pay the bills for her. Thus she had no idea I was involved in any way. Even without a trust talk to the bank where she has her acct. Be sure to have a copy of your POA with you. Many banks offer programs & they become the bad guy so you can maintain a relationship with her. I still have to be there at mail time to try and suggest NOT to give donations to every thing that comes daily or mail scams. But the bills were a big stress so I feel for you. We still have tears. Our latest is she has now hidden all her jewelry & won't tell me where "it is none of my business." I am an only child. Also ck with local library you NEED a support group. Or call local Alz Association for one. Mine meets once a mo and is a good sounding board. As for eating - it seems the norm for all of us. Dr. has her on appetite med to help but I still have to remind her to eat & we grocery together but I have to strongly suggest foods - she can still microwave so we do lots of Stouffers frozen meals to name a few. BUT I have to remind her about dinner - her big thing is she tells everyone I am lying and think she is stupid - then she cries and I feel awful. She also sees people in trees in the yard but they never come in the house.

Hi I completely understand your situation, as I could have written it myself. I also moved my mother to live with me, and I work fulltime, and have kids in two different states, and no local family to help me. My mother is slipping fast, misses her friends, and yet won't do anything without me. I try so hard to get her involved in things, and nothing much works. However, I did hire a friend to come in and spend two afternoons a week with her, and that is helping. She takes her to get her hair done, do a little shopping, etc. - mainly just gets her out of the house! I am also finding strange things with my mother's spending, and she was a banker all her adult life, so she guards control of her money carefully. She doesn't realize how much money I am having to spend to take care of her, which is ok, except I am starting to have to dip into my savings - and it is going fast. My brother recently had a stroke so she is trying to send him money every month (no insurance) and I'm now helping him also. So I really need to have some control of her finances, if nothing other than to help pay the bills. She has no idea how much things cost anymore, and she is not stingy at all. She just doesn't "compute". Eventually I am going to have to do something but I just don't know how to approach her on this. Anyway, if you can afford to get someone to come in to help out, it may be of some help to you. But I am also feeling like an 80 year old - my life revolves around her. It is really hard. Best wishes to you.

Dear Friends,

I read all your posts and recognize MYSELF five years ago. I too had power of attorney and was at the time staying with my mom IN HER HOME for a four month period following my father's accidental death. I won't address ALL the issues I faced then, but MONEY... THE HOTTEST BUTTON!

My mother KNEW she was afraid to be alone, but still felt certain she could handle money. She was secretive and paranoid. She had actually LOST all her passbooks! One day I found them, and after she accused me of stealing them, she kept them with her at at all times.

The next day, she said she wanted to visit a neighbor two houses away. I called them to ok it, and she went. A little while after, they called wanting to know when she would arrive! Well, she was just coming back in the door, but NO BANKBOOKS! When asked what she'd done with them, she couldn't remember! She seemed to think she gave them to another neighbor to keep in their wall safe...

THAT was the LAST STRAW for me. I packed my bag, called the airline and asked about standby room on flights returning to California. I told her - you asked for my help because you knew you needed help. BUT you are not LETTING ME HELP. If you do NOT TRUST ME, what is the point of my being here? Find someone ELSE to cook and shop and clean. I am your POWER OF ATTORNEY, NOT your housekeeper... So I am leaving.

She BEGGED me not to go. I said My flight leaves at 10 p.m. You have until 9:30 to FIND THOSE BANKBOOKS and TURN THEM OVER TO ME. I SAT for SIX HOURS, bag packed, room cleaned out, IN MY JACKET - while she went from neighbor to neighbor asking after her bankbooks (and, it turned out, bearer bonds, savings bonds, and stock certificates...)

At around 7 p.m. my mother came running in with a GARBAGE BAG filled with financial instruments. (I was SHOCKED.) She dumped the contents of the bag onto the floor in front of me and BEGGED me to stay. I looked at her sternly, and without missing a beat I said "CHECKBOOK." She handed it over. "JEWELRY" I said. She ran and got the key to the chest. Then I asked "Is there anything ELSE?" My mother started to cry and said, "I DON'T KNOW."

So I took off my coat and got up and held her. I told my mother that we would look together to make sure that we had EVERYTHING. THEN I looked at her VERY SERIOUSLY and I said, "all of your valuables are now OFFICIALLY DEPOSITED in the BANK OF SUZANNE." I told her that ANYTIME she was worried about her things all she had to do was ASK ME. And, anytime she was worried about not being able to find something she could ASK ME, because I would have it. So I went through EVERY ITEM SHE HAD, made a list of EVERYTHING, SIGNED IT, COPIED IT and gave a copy to to her as a receipt for everything she had put into the BANK OF SUZANNE.

Since that day she has not written a single check, paid a single bill, or WORRIED abut where anything is. A nice side benefit is that my siblings no longer ask her for money, because her response is "you know I don't HAVE any money...!" Now she lives with me and my family, and PERIODICALLY I take something out of MY wall-safe and show it to her, always asking if she knows where it has been. She says SAFE WITH YOU.

I CHANGED ALL HER BILL PAYING TO AUTO-PAY, so she no longer sees bills. ALL HER MONEY IS DEPOSITED AUTOMATICALLY. ALL THE MAIL IS DELIVERED TO A LOCKED MAILBOX (you could get a PO box.)

She carries no money, no credit cards, no wallet or purse. Sometimes she jokes that she is the "poorest woman on earth." Then I tell her that the RICHEST woman on earth NEVER CARRIES A CENT... The Queen of England. She likes that. Very much

Good Luck!

Galowa

©suzannemcable.2009

Don't know how fast your mom is declining, but she will eventually get to the place where she will forget about checking accounts (Don't know if you can wait that long), My brother's wife stopped cooking, doing laundry and making the bed. Basically, she stopped doing everything related to the house. She couldn't remember how to write numbers. He eventually found her checkbook and saw that she had written down how to spell all the numbers from one to one hundred. Thank God she never wrote any checks! She also couldn't figure out how to use credit cards. They would go to the store and he would ask her to pay and she would just stand and stare. It will get to that point. Alzheimers can be VERY trying on the caregiver. We all want the best for our loved one, but sometimes the best is a long term care facility. My brothers wife is very happy at a nursing home. He's not happy, but he is a bit relieved. She was to the point where she couldn't communicate,dressed herself inappropriately, wore diapers, wouldn't eat and wouldn't take showers without a struggle. For a while he had a caregiver come in until his kids forced the nursing home issue. Tho he is very lonely, I think he realizes it was getting to be too much for him. By the way, don't pay much attention to the "stages" of Alzheimers. They never applied to my sister-in-law. She was in some of the stages, but not others. She declined very rapidly (even tho she was on Aricept)

Have you considered an adult day program? I was in the exact same situation with my mother 3 years ago. I found a program thru our local Senior Center where she goes 5 days a week from 9-3, they drive her home and make sure she gets in the house safely. They make sure she gets plenty of fluids throughout the day and feed her lunch.

At first she fought it, but now it is her life line. I found that without the routine of having something to do, which happens on weekends, she ends up laying in bed staring at the ceiling all day.

The cost is affordable (for now at least-her social security covers it), and I don't have to worry while at work.

I do have her on a waiting list for an assisted living center - very difficult decision, but she is requiring more and more care and I can't do more. I am getting past the guilt, but it is hard.

Good luck!

Mellavan makes a good point. An Adult Day Program is the only reason we are still able to manage keeping my mother at home with us. It costs all her income, but is worth it.

Good Luck!

Galowa

: )

©suzannemcable.2009

First --

Thanks, all, for your empathy. I am amazed at my own reaction. (Imagine - sitting at work and mushing up when the BBerry goes PING - here's another word of comfort.) Because you're all walking on similar paths through this Alzheimer's hell, you really CAN understand what I'm going through, and offer guidance. Thank you.

Less happy news:

Yesterday, I took off work so we could meet mom's new NJ doctor.

I had hoped the doctor would help convince my mom that she needed to share her financial info with me, get out to meet people, let me help organize her meds, and take better care of her nutrition.

I don't know what I was expecting -- but this wasn't it.

This physician (a referral from the Alzheimer's Assoc) not only questioned mom's Alzheimer's diagnosis, but also asked why she wasn't still driving, and (after giving her the "Count back from 100 by 7s etc" test) stated mom "Sounds like she's doing just fine."

I was stunned. Mom's had two full brain scans -- and they clearly identified double plaques -- which have grown slightly larger. That - plus her family history - convinced the drs in Maine she has Alzheimer's.
The docs informed Maine's DMV of their diagnosis - that's AUTOMATIC. Mom declined to take a new road test, and surrendered her license voluntarily. (She CAN'T DRIVE.) She sold her car.

Yesterday, she remembered two out of three words during the NJ doc's exam (table and chair -- but not dog.) When subtracting 7 from 100 -- she got to 93, but could not answer 93-7.

She couldn't name the town we live in.

The NJ doc said, it should be UP TO MOM whether she shares any info about her finances.

I felt like I'd been mugged. Totally ambushed -- by someone I'd hoped could help us. Almost NO support!

The NJ doc DID agree that mom needed to get out and talk to people (she has so far consistently refused ALL my efforts to get her involved with any church groups here, etc) So -- mom agreed to reach out to the church! She obviously values the dr's opinion. (Whether she follows thru is another matter.) Despite hearing about mom's having lost 8 pounds since mid-August, the NJ doc did not urge her to eat -- opting to wait instead for results of blood tests.

The NJ doc told mom that she is very depressed ... which is exactly what the Maine docs told her. They had Rx'd her an antidepressant -- which she took....and says it helped.
But yesterday she suddenly announced -- she had stopped taking the antidepressant because she ran out of it. She hadn't told me that. But then, she also refuses to use the day-of-the-week pill dispenser I got for her. ABSOLUTELY REFUSES.

The NJ doc gave her a pneumococcus vaccine -- and her arm swelled up and hurt so badly she couldn't sleep last night (it's getting better.)

To top it off - this doc has NO Saturday hours, and won't stay past 5:15 PM for appointments. Earlier appointments -- she's booked til February 2010. I will miss work again to keep the follow-up appointment.

I am deeply concerned about this. I don't know what I should have expected. Have any of you ever encountered this? Am I over-reacting? Should I search for another doc (can anyone recommend one here in Northern NJ?)

Thanks for your help and your support.

Dear Daughter (To he!! with Memere...)

When my father died and I inherited my mother, I also inherited their medical flotilla. One of those jerky doctors was EXACTLY like the one you described... So there are jerks out there in doctor-land - not too surprising, is it? Time for a NEW DOCTOR. You need a NEUROLOGIST.

Call a local hospital (a teaching hospital is best.) If there are several local hospitals, call two.

Ask for NEUROLOGY or GERIATRICS or the GERIATRIC PSYCH WARD.

When the phone picks up, ask for Head Nurse On Shift, or one of the senior nurses.

When they pick up, apologize FIRST, THEN thank them, THEN tell them you are new in town and need a referral to a NEUROLOGIST who treats ALZHEIMER'S. ASK for TWO names. THANK THEM enthusiastically.

IF you get shot down, try until you get a result. The nurses at the hospitals know ALL the doctors. It does not hurt if the doctor is relatively close to YOUR AGE. It facilitates communication and makes for an easier rapport.

Good Luck!

(and sorry you had such a rotten day)

HEAD UP YOUNG PERSON, HEAD UP! : )

Galowa

©suzannemcable.2009

I agree 100% with Galowa! Getting a neurologist was the first thing I did when I moved my mother to live with me. He has been a life-saver and my first real support. Mother loves him, and it is working out well because she listens to him. And because he talks with both of us together, I know what is going on too. He did more to educate she and I in the first visit than her previous doctor (an internist who just wrote prescriptions for the "latest" drug being pitched by the drug reps) did in YEARS. You have to have a provider who understands alzheimers and has been trained to deal with elderly patients AND their caregivers. Someone suggested calling a university with a medical school and ask them to give you names of those with that training. I did just that and they were delighted to help me. Good luck - my thoughts and prayers are with you.

UPDATE:

I'm so glad I found you all.

Thanks for your advice about getting a neurologist! We have made an appointment with one who's affiliated with Morristown Memorial Hosp in NJ. I am hopeful he can speak with us on a realistic, pragmatic level, about the best way to care for my mom -- and what duties she should accept help with. Somehow -- if the doctor says it -- it means more to mom (a former RN) Getting mom to let me help her with her finances REMAINS a problem. I pushed her HARD - not as hard as Galowa did, but Mom cried. She said she'd let me help do her bills. The next morning - I came downstairs -- and found all her bills already done, sealed in the envelopes, complete with stamps.
I was stunned -- then really angry. I told her -- she had deliberately sneaked and done her bills without me.
She said she just forgot our prior conversation. I told her that was a LIE - which she finally admitted. She started to give me the same story -- that it's hard to let go, etc -- we've had that conversation 20 times, already.
I told her - if she doesn't accept help -- I will end up doing triage on her finances, AFTER everything blows up. To complicate matters even MORE -- she just sold her house -- and is now sitting on a $30K check. I asked what she wanted to do with it - and she said, put it in her checking account. I told her she needed to consult the accountant who handles her finances ... not to mention our attorney here in NJ -- to learn about tax obligations etc. She still hasn't called her accountant.

ANOTHER WRINKLE:

Whenever mom gets emotionally distraught -- she suffers an IBS attack (Irritable Bowel Syndrome -- diarrhea, basically) that lasts a couple of days and just COMPLETELY wipes her out. She's less able to put thoughts into coherent sentences, and is physically more wobbly.

I am pushing her, anyway. But it takes a toll - on everyone.

In fact -- my daughter commented recently that she MISSES ME -- we don't do stuff together as in the past, that I am "acting like an old person" -- because I sit with mom on the sofa and watch TV. Mom has a hard time reading now -- and she enjoys the Discovery Channel, History etc.
I told my daughter that, when I promised mom I'd take care of her, I fully expected it to have a BIG impact on my personal time. My (20yrold) daughter keeps saying, "But you're not old!!"
True - but it's soothing to mom to have someone with her. She's home during the day - and still hasn't reached out to the church she's decided to attend. So her social interaction quotient isn't great. She's stubborn and proud and says she doesn't like to look like an "Alzheimer's patient" in front of strangers.
I am still encouraging her to make contact. But I can't FORCE her. And she's nowhere near the stage where she'll just docilely do what we ask.

Am I doing the right thing? I am so new at this -- and of course everyone's individual case is different. But sometimes I feel like I'm walking blindfolded through a mine field.

I'd welcome hearing about your experiences.

Thanks, again -- you all are wonderful. Like a lifeline.

Memere's Daughter

Dear Daughter...

YOU NEED TO JUST - TAKE OVER. You go to the edge, but fear the LEAP. JUST DO IT. L E A P.

Oh BOY, have I been where you are... your intentions are SO good, but your understanding is still shy of the big picture. Your actions are therefore falling short of the mark.

Your mother will NEVER call the church, or the accountant, etc.

She will NEVER EVER AGAIN VOLUNTARILY INITIATE ANYTHING NEW. (That is why all the old stuff is so hard to let go of.)

YOU TAKE the 30k CHECK (before she HIDES it,) and call the ACCOUNTANT. YOU TAKE the CHECKBOOK, and redirect the mail. YOU call the CHURCH... It's the ONLY WAY the changes are going to happen.

Your mother is INCAPABLE of any of these actions, partly because AD robs people of the ability to INITIATE, and, in addition, each of these acts feels to her like a step in the UNMAKING of her life. That is why she clings so desperately to them.

JUST USE THE POWER SHE HAS GIVEN YOU. SHE GAVE IT -TO YOU- FOR YOU TO USE "FOR HER BENEFIT" exactly because NOW, more than ever before, SHE NEEDS SOMEONE TO TRUST. TELL HER YOU DO NOT WANT HER MONEY - YOU WANT HER TRUST. THEN TAKE TOTAL CONTROL. When you TAKE TOTAL CONTROL, it will show her that you are STRONG. That STRENGTH is what she needs right now. You don't need to "check things" you need to CONTROL THEM. ULTIMATELY, THIS WILL MAKE HER FEEL MORE SECURE. (And, you can let HER check it, if you like, but it is time for a COMPLETE role reversal.)

DO NOT let her keep the checkbook. As Power of Attorney, IF YOU DO NOT PROTECT HER - EVEN FROM HERSELF - it is YOU who will be held responsible.

Business as usual is OVER. You need to stage a COUP in this situation.
You CANNOT REASON with her. AND, you need to know now, before you find out in a bad way, that she probably should not be left home alone. Sorry to be the one to tell you.

She probably would benefit from an Alzheimer's Day Program. As she is still relatively early in her disease, she will SHINE in one of these programs, and may actually be able to assist staff. My mother is from a large family too, and really enjoys feeling helpful and productive. HOWEVER, EVEN IN THE EARLY STAGES, she did NOT fit in, blend, mesh, etc., with the group at the "normal" Senior Program. Nor did she do well at church groups, because they were task and project oriented, and she kept making mistakes... Just something to think about.

Last, but NOT least - YOUR daughter is RIGHT. You need to spend time with your daughter and build on that relationship. THAT is the future.

If you are spending a lot of your time with your mother it may be draining and depressing you without your knowing it - ANOTHER reason to get the checkbook. Your mother should PAY for someone to sit with her once in a while so you can enjoy upbeat, worry-free fun time with your daughter. She needs you. She WANTS you. How much more clearly can she say it? Don't hold onto your evaporating mother at the expense of your very present and alive daughter. BIG MISTAKE.

The last thing I want to tell you has nothing to do with who your mother was before she became ill. However, it has EVERYTHING to do with ALZHEIMER'S sufferers. Once the illness grabs hold and the person begins to sense that they are somehow "eroding," they respond in the same way any threatened creature does - they go into survival mode.

What happens, based on what I've seen and experienced, is that people with ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE lose all capacity for empathy and compassion. It is not that they are cruel, but they think, feel, and care ONLY ABOUT THEMSELVES (even if they SAY they love you, worry about you, etc.) My own mother did NOT CARE that I had a husband and children 3,000 miles away. All she wanted was for me to stay with HER,in HER HOUSE, so her life could remain as much the same as possible. She had LOST THE CAPACITY to understand, even as I wept and sobbed in front of her, that I had feelings, needs, - and a life of my own. ONLY when the social worker pointed out my obvious distress, my AGONY, did she even NOTICE IT.

Think of it as a form of Asperger's, where the world becomes narrowed completely to the wants and needs of just ONE person - the SELF. THAT, I think, is the other early manifestation of this disease - an aspect which tends, unfortunately, to be essentially eclipsed by MEMORY LOSS.

If you don't TAKE CONTROL now, how much longer will you wait? When WILL the time be "right?" Stop being such a loving "wuss," and REALLY TAKE CARE of your mother...

JUST DO IT!!!!!!

Warmly,

Galowa

: )

©suzannemcable.2009

Galowa -

Your advice is hard to hear. Even harder to follow. But you're right -- I have to do this.

I just spoke with our attorney. She suggested that we do this with some subtlety if possible (to avoid a massive IBS attack.)

I will ask my daughters to take Memere on an outing -- and I will take her financial stuff -- and get the information I need (who gets paid what, when, etc., contact info for insurance et al.)

PLUS I will take the Power of Attorney letter down to her bank -- and I will set up online access, so that I can monitor her checking and credit card accounts.

I will tell them that any payment over a certain amount should generate an automatic STOP order and they must contact me -- to permit or deny the transaction.

Her accountant in down in Louisiana -- and basically handles her investments. I need to deal with him, as well.

But first things first.

I'll also see whether there's an Alzheimer's Daycare available in our area. We can start with a couple days a week and increase it from there.

You're right. It's a role reversal I've avoided completing. I've got to deal with this.

Thanks for the shock therapy. I needed that!

I'll let you know how this goes...gulp

Memere's Daughter

When I finally started utilizing my POA I found that our lawyer had not filed it with the courthouse. Each state may differ. It is a simple matter of a small fee & the ct gives it an official seal and holds more weight with banks. One bank "clerk" said that it was not proper & I had no right to sign her checks - I had to request the manager of the bank to read it and explain to the clerk that it was in fact valid.

The POA is needed to change the address of where utility bills are sent. But having done that we don't have the stress of seeing them in the mail box - out of sight out of mind.

We are now in a new stage- hiding things. She has informed me she has hidden the jewelry & it is none of my business. So I have weighed what is important at this stage. I have been able to determine the hiding place [no she did not throw them away thank goodness] & for the moment we are ok with this situation. It might change tomorrow and I might have to make other arrangements. But for now she is smug that she has pulled one over on me -which she has not. Every person has a different personality even in AD & the care giver hopefully can come to terms with it. I still feel in control. No she can not rationalize but even with AD they have feelings that need addressed as well.

As for neglecting your own children. I am in the same situation. Two of my children are understanding and have taken time from their busy lives to come to me and our new schedule [they all live in a dif state]. The third has not come to terms and may never deal with the situation. But that is his choice not mine. I am doing what I must do right now. I try to make it a family powwow & let everyone play a role in decision making. I don't want to miss a minute of my grandchildren growing & since I feel I can not travel at the moment then they are accomodating me as well as their own grandmother by coming to us as often as possible to share moments. But of course I wish I was free to travel & spend even more time with the little ones. But they are in good hands and are not the ones in our family in the most need at this moment.

I have to say that going to the local support group with all stages of the disease presented has been the most helpful guidance in my decision making. I praise these groups and the people from here and there that share their stories.

Galowa is right about taking the leap. I struggle each time I have to make a new decision but once I enforce it I find it was the right thing to do at that moment. Follow your instincts - you will know it is the right time to take each move. I have many more choices to make in this journey and each time I pray I won't have to face what I see others facing yet when I take the step I seem to be a little more prepared and stronger than I even gave myself credit for.

My creed thus far is #1 protect her and #2 do what is right without guilt. When it is over you will have only your feelings and your own inner being to face. You will do what is right.

Thanks, tk.

In terms of having a great support group: you're it. You and everyone else on this board, who take the time to send me messages of concern and advice.

I have tried to join the local groups, but their meeting times just don't jive with my work schedule. I generally work 10:30 A to 7 P or later -- and in this economy, I can't take off for AD support meetings. (Lots of people have been let go at my workplace. It's not a company that cares about its people. Which nowadays seems to be the norm. But that's another story.)

Anyway -- my mom hasn't taken to hiding her jewelry (but then - I haven't tried to find it, either...) I will stage the stealth raid on her finances, and try not to feel guilty about it. Because it IS what I am SUPPOSED to do.

I do have a folder with all the legal papers -- including POA. I have a lot to do, don't I? My brother's in Alaska -- so he can't help at all.
We used to all live in Northern Maine -- in a small town with a large extended family -- where everyone looked out for everyone else and neighbors helped one another. It was a huge safety net.

I MISS that SO much. But wishing and reminiscing won't get things done.

I will take the leap.

Thanks again for your kindness and advice.

Memere's Daughter

Dear Daughter,

GOOD RESOLVE!

I must say I agree with tk on nearly all. With respect to "protecting" and " doing the right thing," I have learned that you cannot always do both... So the ONLY credo to which I adhere is "do the right thing."

Sometimes I need to do and SAY things to my mother which are hurtful. BUT I WANT HER TO UNDERSTAND!!!!! As long as she is CAPABLE OF UNDERSTANDING, I would prefer that she understand than be coddled. I don't CARE if it hurts or upsets her. I treat her like the ADULT she still is, while I can. (WHILE SHE STILL IS...)

I NEVER have lied to my mother to "spare her." She deserves to know the score. She's on a rocky path headed ONLY in one direction, and I am always frank with her. This helps me to make all those hard choices, including the ones she doesn't like. Because she KNOWS she can trust me now. I am straight with her.

Her lucidity is far less constant than it once was, but when that window opens and the stars are perfectly aligned, I JUMP ON IT, and talk about as much as I can with regard to what lies ahead, choices to be made, her preferences, if any, etc. I REASSURE HER that I, in my truth-telling and no-nonsense way, will CONTINUE TO DO THE JOB SHE ASKED ME TO DO, USING MY BEST JUDGMENT IN THE BROADEST POSSIBLE SENSE. And to REALLY reassure her, I promise that a lot of the time she won't like it!

She says "You always WERE the best at everything - that's why nobody ever liked you. But that's also WHY I wanted YOU to do this. Because I KNOW you'll do right."

With regard to hiding things... When my mother hides something and I know where it is, I TAKE IT. For one thing, after hiding something she forgets where she has put it and becomes upset. If I can demonstrate that her things are safe with me, she will often use me to "hold" something for her. If you know where it is NOW, you'd better grab it, because she will soon grow paranoid and need to re-hide it. At which point it really WILL be "lost." The problem is when that happens, the first person she'll accuse of taking it is YOU. So why not take it now, while you can? Before she gives it away to someone who rings the doorbell when you're in the shower?

As far as the issue of our "children." I personally feel there is a BIG difference between having grown kids who live out of state and have families of their own and having younger, but grown, kids. My youngest son was 12 when I was at my mother's for four months. He's 17 now. I also have a head-injured 21 yo at university. Sorry, tk, but my sons BOTH still really need me. And I would imagine a 20 yo daughter would be in that same category. I am 54, and still have a senior in high school. BOTH boys are going to be VERY slow to really leave home. They are mature enough, but young for their ages. We raised them that way. Intentionally. My mother is important, a part of the family, BUT MY CHILDREN COME FIRST. And, WHEN I REMIND HER, she agrees and understands. But because she is forgetful, and fearful, and prone to be self-absorbed, she just needs a LOT of reminding.

Putting the children FIRST makes them care for her more, and makes THEM willing to help me with her more. It also makes her happier, ultimately, because she loves having them and their friends around. Putting them first makes her more ADULT and less demanding and childlike. The result is that she gets MORE attention and affection this way. Of course, if my children were married etc., it would be a VERY different story...

Best, as always,

Galowa

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©suzannemcable.2009

Hi Hope you are having a good day with mom today. My mother is not handling her finances well. as I mentioned before, and I am trying to gain more control. I cannot be afraid to do the right thing, but it sickens me inside to take these steps. Imagine that is a lot of what you feel. Someone mentioned that the alzheimers patient only thinks of themselves and I think that is pretty much the case in advanced stages. But I know retirees in general(I work with retirement plans) - they get stuck on something and cannot let it go. I think it is a way of trying to focus on their part - trying to be on top of things. It is also somewhat born perhaps of some loneliness and need of purpose. So I think that the selfish perception is possibly also a desperate attempt to stay part of things. It is hard to balance compassion with the need to get things done sometimes or to attend to things you personally have to do. For example, my mother's prior habit of seemingly to always interrupt at the worst possible time is accentuated now - her focus is on her needs and what the question of the moment is for her and she cannot understand that I am busy or trying to talk with someone else or whatever. I think some of this is just a trait she has always had, but some of it is because she is afraid she will "lose that thought". I try never to embarrass her or belittle her. We may all possibly face this frightening world they live in someday. But I think too much information at times is too confusing - so while I never lie to her, I don't always give her the full story. I tell her what I think she needs to know and can handle without getting confused. I also have a teenager - senior in high school - and I can tell you that it is hard to balance. My mother does understand that my daughter comes first and can say that - but the reality is, she quickly forgets it! I just keep reminding her. There are times, honestly, that I am impatient and I feel like she is just driving over the edge with some of the repetition and constant need of me to take care of everything. On top of that, she is hard of hearing and has lost her $2000 hearing aide we just bought and I get headaches from shouting and repeating stuff. I feel like she should understand that too, but she just doesn't. She is also now forgetting things that happened years ago - for example, she asked me why she hadn't heard from a certain family member - who had been dead since before I was born! Anyone else see that happening? I thought that all they could remember was the past!!! I'm learning so much about this disease.....

Hi, Polly.

I feel for you. My mom is repeating questions, too -- more so than a few months ago.

She does have an unwavering focus -- when she's trying to get something done. Sometimes I have to tell her, "I know -- I will get to that as soon as I can."

She also can't remember a lot of family history. Which surprised me as well -- because I hadn't realized AD impacts long-term memory as severely as short-term. But she's forgotten SO MUCH, and it's SO sad. Her time sense -- what day is it, what time is it, etc -- is also off. Are you seeing any physical deterioration? My mom's getting wobbly -- her balance is off. She's more tentative going down stairs etc. Since all the bedrooms in my house are on the second floor -- that could pose a problem. There's a bannister, and she seems to negotiate the staircase pretty well now... but I am a bit worried about the future. I have reached out to a couple of friends -- and they're recommending a "companion care" set-up, where someone would spend a couple of hours a

day with mom, and just be sure she has a lively conversation, gets a good meal, that the pellet stove is running (it's pretty much on auto-pilot) and she's comfortable.

I found a pile of her financial papers in the garbage -- unshredded. So I grabbed those. But now I'm alarmed that she may be ditching documents -- so I can't see them. There's not much I can do during the work week -- but I am going to try and get her financial info/checkbook this weekend. As for the hearing aid -- did you get insurance? Often those items can be replaced at minimal cost, if you got that kind of plan. I wish you the best -- Memere's Daughter

Yes they do remember much of the past but my mother forgets that some of her long time friends died years ago as well. I have seen that in several people.

Yes to all the above. I am shocked at what she has forgotten historically - that surprised me - is that an alzheimers myth? In any case, sounds like your mother and mine are similar. My mother is 88 - how old is yours?

My mother is 88 on the 13th.

Mine is 78 next May. AD runs in mom's family; she's the fourth of 10 siblings diagnosed. The other three died relatively quickly ... maybe within two or three years of when their families noticed/addressed the issue. There's obviously a genetic component -- maybe the APOE 4 gene.
It's tough to trace, though. MY Pepere (my mom's father)lived into his 80s and stayed pretty sharp. My memere died in her 70s -- but from congestive heart failure. That's part of the problem, actually: because they're such bad cardiacs and ate foods heavy with fat, most of the ancestors didn't live long enough to become symptomatic. Lately, mom HASN'T been eating particularly well. I did buy her stuff she can microwave - and that helped. She used to whip up some great food. But she can no longer remember or follow recipes.
It took months before she'd admit to that.
It's like AD is eating her alive: devouring her past, bleeding her of all those family memories, trying to swallow her soul. It leaves nothing but a ghost -- I HATE this disease.

you said it so well....