I'm taking care of my mother, whom is 80 years old. She lives with me. She's in the second stages of Ahemizer's. She use to be my rock, very strong, able to take care of everything. She has an accident two years. She hit her head, and she hasn't been the same. She use to laugh, and have lots of energy, a fireball. She's totaly different. The roles has changed at the house. She's the child and I'm the mom. She flowers me around like a puppy. I know she can't help it. My daughter is 16 and has ADHD, ADD, OCD. She's confused how nana has changed. She doesn't know how to deal with her. Mom and my daughter fight all the time. I'm caught in the middle. I don't have anyone. My dad had passed away. My brother won't come around. I guess he can't deal with mom the way she is. So here I am all alone. I never throught I would be in this situation. I'm just about to lsoe my mind. I don't have anyone to talk to, or to understand.
Hi Lillypad,
I'm so sorry for your distress! You are truly of the Sandwich generation, and even more so as your daughter has challenges of her own you must help her deal with.
May I suggest this book? http://www.elderrage.com/
Also, I wonder if you could hire some respite help? Someone to come in and take of your mom and/or your daughter while you get some time to yourself to regenerate and reflect.
Please let us know how things are going for you!
I have a daughter with learning challenges -- they make the mother/daughter communication and other relationships as well much more emotionally taxing.
If your daughter likes to be on the computer, take her to the Alzheimer's Association website and spend some time there. Let her read some of the specific strategies they recommend for communicating with and managing people who have dementia, and also what they say NOT to do. Do not try to tell your daughter yourself -- she will feel like you are just being critical of her. Reading about it from an independent, credible source will make it easier for her to "buy in" to changing her expectations of her grandmother and equally important, changing the way she approaches her.
Brothers/sons often "can't deal" with dementia. Fine, ask him to come by, pick up your daughter and take her out for icecream, and bring a cone back for his mother. It will be easier for him to come by if he is "doing something" as opposed to just visiting and not knowing what to say to her. IF she can still walk, ask him to walk her around the block or the yard to look at the fall colors. Ask him to help her sort old photos. Whatever you can think of!
I agree with kateclc - the alzheimer's website is great. Might be useful to reassure your daughter that grandma is not taking her spot - maybe get a sitter or respite for your mom and spend some quality time with your daughter and also time for yourself.
I completely understand. I've felt like I was having a meltdown several times just this past week. It is a very lonely place to be. I'm thinking of you and praying that you can stay strong to get through this.
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