I can tell you that waiting and skirting the issue is probably not going to serve you. I did this with my mother and things went downhill so fast that she turned on me whenever I tried to approach the subject. My mother and I were very close and so if you happen to read my earlier post you will understand the dilemma I face now.

Is your mom seing a neurologist? Or is she close to her family physician? They may be able to take the stress off you in explaining the problem to your mother. But, I agree that your father has to face the reality. my Father had his head in the sand, after he passed away it was up to us kids to deal with what he could have helped with when he was alive. It might help to take your dad out alone and take to him as a helpmate not as a father.

I can only tell you that my family has chosen not to use the word Alzheimer's. My father died of Alzheimer's in 1985; my mother was his primary caretaker & very familiar with the condition. One doctor said the word dementia to her and she freaked. While her short term memory is basically non-existent, she continues to ask us "what do you think, I have dementia?" If she heard Alzheimer's I can't imagine how upset & further depressed she would get. What's the point? She's unlogical about most things at this point. I can't expect her to logically deal with a diagnosis of Alzheimer's. Good luck to you & your family whatever you decide.

I could explain 100 times to mother what Alzheimers is and 100 times she would forget and ask me to explain again. BUT she was made aware of her memory issues and the different names of illnesses identified with such about 5 years ago when her symptoms began manifesting. Since then, she has lost the capacity to truly understand what she is being told and can no longer retain the info. I simplify things by letting her know she has memory loss difficulties during conversations with her when she actually has memory loss symptoms. This helps her to understand why I'm correcting her as well as helps her feel less threatened about what is happening with her mental faculties. I keep it simple and compassionate, weaving into our talks that she is just getting older and her memory is fading. I ask her to allow me to help her remember correctly. This gives her the chance to receive and become appreciative of why I live and care for her. Of course, when I began doing this is wasnt' received very well, but with loving persistence on my part, my mother has become more accepting.

Whether using proper medical terms or simplifying your approach as I have experimented with, I believe it's important to let your loved one know that they are having problems with their mental capacities. They may not like it, and reject you or even lash out at you at first, but if you remember its all part of the process and continue on with compassion, your relationship with them can become more open and honest, which is beneficial to both of you.

Part of the problem is that some elderly (those in their late 70s and older) really don't understand what Alzheimer's is - it was still largely a closeted disease when they were still in their prime. Not like cancer or cardio. In my father's situation, he had vascular dementia diagnosed in 2000, and was placed on some meds. I happened to be on that appointment with him. In 2002, he had a brain scan which showed Alzheimber's - but he was going to these appointmments solo, so was he told? Did he forget? Did he comprehend? Or did his MD soft sell the diagnosis (which many do)? I finally forced another scan in 2007, because his geriatrician kept asking what we're doing for his care, and no one ever told us what the diagnosis was. I had to ask for a print out of the final report.

My father is floating somewhere in Stage 6,okay as long as I monitor his meds. He keeps referring to "old age" memory, but I've had to explain (and print out) what Alzheimer's is, and make a copy of his diagnosis, because he argues no one ever told him. I'm more interested that he understands the magnitude of the diagnosis as best he can, because life decisions (finances, POA, DNR etc) needed to be made. So to your question about telling or not, they have a right and need to know. The earlier the better, so everyone can prepare. And they need to be reminded that this isn't just an 'old age' memory problem, but a disease that is not curable and will affect their quality of life and how they chose to leave this earth. They need to be as mentally present as possible, so early is critical. Shame on doctors who are either gutless, uncomfortable or trained enough to properly explain not only to the patient but to family as well. This disease has profound implications for legal advice, long term care preparations, and the lives of care givers. It's much easier to manage around any ensuing depression than to deal with things later when the confusion and frustration in the patient aggravates their conditions.

I can't believe that in 2009, the question of whether or not we should tell a person that they have a disease, is still being asked. As the Alzheimer's advances, she won't need to know, - because she won't understand. But certainly anyone in early stages needs to know that they have a disease that effects their memory, behavior, and health. In the early stages of Alzheimer's the person is cognizant of mental changes, and it's actually comforting to know they are being caused by a disease. The terms that are used to explain are not important, - just as most of us don't understand the technical issues of cancer, - but certainly have a right to know what is causing the pain. Oh, and it wasn't that long ago that "cancer" was also a no-no word. As recently as the '70's and '80's, our family members didn't die of "cancer", they died of a "tummor", or simply became "ill". I will always regret not being honest with my father about his Lukemia and it being terminal. Family members kept up the lie, telling him how much better he looked, even though he was skin and bones. The person who is ill deserves the respect of honesty. To not do so, cuts him off and makes him suffer alone. Also, as a Christian, i believe a person needs to be given this oportunity to prepare for his/her own death, - perhaps mend fences and old arguments before they pass away. To not tell a person of their illness speaks more about our own fears than those of the loved one.

Hi, All,

I am having a completely different problem with our family's dealing with my husband's recent diagnosis of A.D. His daughter told me that she did not believe that he had it and questioned its being true. I replied by letting her know that it had been diagnosed by two neurologists as well as describing some of his behaviors which are not apparent to those who do not live with him. I have quite some difficulty dealing with her literally turning a shoulder on me and walking away when the subject of his disease is brought up. Maybe I just should not discuss it with her. She is 56. Any suggestions?

You say that your mother always wanted to be aware of her medical conditions, but also that she was told the diagnosis and doesn't remember. Is your mother asking questions about her health? Does she ask "What's wrong with me?" If not, I would not keep telling her that she has Alzheimer's; she is not capable of retaining the information and you could be upsetting her over and over with no progress! If she asks, by all means, tell her. If she doesn't understand "Alzheimer's" say "You have a disease that is affecting your memory." Many people fear that they are "going crazy" and are relieved to know that the problem is really a disease.

Your father and his understanding may be the better place to focus. He is responsible for the decision making and can't make decisions well if he doesn't accept the facts. Although it is an expense, perhaps having a second cognitive evaluation by a geriatrician or neurologist would help him, especially since he is doubting the diagnosis.

I am sure that your father is frightened by the diagnosis of Alzheimer's; who wouldn't be? It means that his life's companion is going to leave him in a very agonizing way. He will go through all of the grieving stages that accompany a loss - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. In so many ways this disease is harder on the loved ones than the victim. He needs patience and acceptance of his feelings. Once he has accepted the diagnosis, a support group will benefit him. It is important to network with others who are going through or who have been through the same thing.

Leslie - I'm sorry to hear about your husband's daughter as that's added stress to your situation that makes it all more difficult. Maybe she would like to take her father to another neurologist of her choice. How much time does she spend with him? May father died of long, terrible battle with AD is 1985, so when my mother's symptoms started I wanted to believe it was anything else...how could my mother also have this horrible disease after all she went thru in caring for my father? It's a hard thing to accept. Unfortunately, this is out of my control and out of your family's control. Take the pressure off yourself though and ask her if she'd like to get more involved in his medical testing & diagnosis. She will have to accept it eventually.

Wow! What a great idea. I could suggest that to her, but I doubt very much that she would actually do it. It is too bad that she wasn't with us last evening when he suddently asked me, "Ah, what you did once, ah (circling his wrists in a 'come on' fashion), when you...played a) he was trying to ask me something about having played Yenta the Matchmaker in Fiddler some years ago and could not form the sentence. Really, too bad. I will keep you suggestion in the front of my mind. Thanks, L

Dear LeslieAB1,

Is there any chance of a trip being in your future? Perhaps a needed long weekend with girlfriends or a medical procedure that you have been putting off? Do you have children out of state that you could go to visit? If so, this would be an ideal time to give your stepdaughter the opportunity to 'have dad all to herself' and let her care for him while you are gone. It has been my experience that no one can understand the problem until they 'walk in your shoes' for a while. A few days of 24 hour care is usually a big eye opener!

Well, its interesting you would ask this question because I'm in the same situation. My mother will not accept the fact that she has alzheimers even after doctors have told her. I have a few family members who just don't get it and have no plans on understanding the disease. Therefore I've built a network of friends who will suppport me and help me with my mom.

However, my mom will admit on occassion(very rare) that she has some memory loss and using that term makes explaining things a little easier.But,she may still be in denial so, I would tell her and leave it alone because, you will frustrate yourself by trying to explain it over and over again. Have you thought about going to a family therapist they may be able to help all of you cope with this. I have one and she has really helped me deal wth things, if your parents don't want to go you should go for your own peace of mind.