Mother angry at being in assisted living posted by tedo @ 06:02 PM November 21, 2009

tedo — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 18:02:23 -0000

I WILL SAY A LONG PRAYER FOR YOU TONIGHT, ITS NOT EASY TAKING CARE OF OUR PARENTS AND EVEN WORSE WHEN YOU HAVE TO PUT THEM IN A HOME. IT WAS THE WORST NIGHMARE OF MY LIFE HAVING TO PUT MOM IN ONE. BUT, PLEASE KNOW THIS IS THE SAFEST PLACE FOR HER TO BE AND WHEN THEY ARE VERY COMBATIVE AND ANGRY YOU REALLY LOSE YOUR PATIENCE WITH THEM, WHICH LEADS TO KNOWERE.

SO I THINK YOU ARE GOING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION WITH YOUR MOM, BUT KEEP TRYING TO BE THERE FOR HER, REMEMBER SHE MUST REALLY BE FRUSTRATED WITH HER SITUATION TOO.

TEDO

Should they know their diagnosis? posted by angelinageorge@comca @ 12:20 PM November 21, 2009

angelinageorge@comca — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 12:20:14 -0000

Well, its interesting you would ask this question because I'm in the same situation. My mother will not accept the fact that she has alzheimers even after doctors have told her. I have a few family members who just don't get it and have no plans on understanding the disease. Therefore I've built a network of friends who will suppport me and help me with my mom.

However, my mom will admit on occassion(very rare) that she has some memory loss and using that term makes explaining things a little easier.But,she may still be in denial so, I would tell her and leave it alone because, you will frustrate yourself by trying to explain it over and over again. Have you thought about going to a family therapist they may be able to help all of you cope with this. I have one and she has really helped me deal wth things, if your parents don't want to go you should go for your own peace of mind.

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rhodput — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 08:16:23 -0000

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Mother angry at being in assisted living posted by Momnc @ 04:22 AM November 21, 2009

Momnc — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 04:22:45 -0000

My mom is miserable in the Assisted Living she is in currently - she has been back and forth between a nice Retirement Home, Nursing Care and Assisted Living over the past 12 years. She has been referred to hospice twice with lung disease, but has recovered. She refuses to live with us. She does not have diagnosed Alzheimers or Dementia..she is in a wheelchair and unable to transfer by herself and is incontinent. She is now angry with everyone who lives at the Assisted Living, and angry at most of the staff. I don't visit her as much because all she does is complain, and although I have worked with the Assisted Living on her complaints , it takes time, and she is taken care of. I understand what you're talking about.

89 yr old mother with Alzheimer's and hungry all the time posted by dawna1968 @ 03:31 PM November 20, 2009

dawna1968 — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 15:31:22 -0000

i have started caring for my grandmother, she is 87, and she forgets that she has just eat. she once eat breakfast for 3 hrs. she kept saying she hadnt had anything since yesterday. i put a fridge and some shelves in the basement and keep most food there. out of sight - out of mind. i only put food for that day in the kitchen. everybody will say just take it one day at a time, but for me it is one meal, one bath, one car ride at a time.

Welcome, we're glad you're here. posted by somechick @ 10:45 AM November 20, 2009

somechick — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 10:45:01 -0000

Hello everyone I just ran across this forum as I was searching for some info regarding Alzheimers.I've just decovered that my boyfriends mother has the early stages of Alzheimers.

She was having some memory loss and not reconigzing her children and was treating them like they were still little children. She began having good and bad days not quite as often but now has been having some them pretty regularly now.She constantly calls and comes over to where me and my boyfriend lives wondering where her son Gary is and wanting me to send him home.Then within a few seconds of speaking to him on the phone or in person she's calls and comes over asking where he is and to send him home.

When this first stage began her son and I took his mother to her doctor to her doctor and she was given some sample patches to use. When she was on them she was a totally different person and they seemed to help.But after awhile we noticed that his mother was begining to having bad days and had a discussion with his sister and mother.Their mother stated that her doctor had taken her off the patches.I can't believe that her doctor would just take her off the patches for no good reason.

So as of today he has an appointment with the family doctor to explain the symptoms and hopefully get his mother back on the patches or the pill form of the medication.Hopefully he'll come back home today with some good news.

I think it's almost time for a Nursing Home Transition. posted by bostonterr05 @ 03:17 AM November 19, 2009

bostonterr05 — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 03:17:43 -0000

To Cheryldavis-

When we found out that mom was being sang to that she was "crazy" in the head, I almost lost it. My sister and I requested to have mom "stay over the weekend". We gathered her things in large bags, and it was pretty obvious that we didn't have plans for her coming back. We gave a 30 day notice in writing to comply with contract, we even offered to give them the next month free, but mom will not step foot in there ever again.

Needless to say, their pride didn't allow them to keep the free money, they just accepted the letter and denied all allegations. Always visit without making an appt nor letting them know before hand by phone. Just show up.

I think mom was being picked on, because we were micro-managing the owner of the facility. We requested to see records, and asked to speak to the home attending physician. I think we overwhelmed her and brought to light, she was never prepared and didn't want to share records. We decided to micro manage her because there was no trust established. And so I think that is why they were emotionally disturbing our mother.

I think it's almost time for a Nursing Home Transition. posted by bostonterr05 @ 03:10 AM November 19, 2009

bostonterr05 — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 03:10:17 -0000

Because of a bad first time experience, I have the questions that can help you determine which facility is best for your mom. Keep in mind, these questions were developed for an ALF ( Assisted Living Facility).

Rates: 1. How much do they charge? 2. Would mom's income of $XXX plus Medicaid waiver suffice? 3. Do they take Medicaid Waiver to help pay for services? 4. Do they help with the filing for Medicaid Waiver? 5. Are they registered with Social Security office? 6. How would payments be handled?

Medical Attention: 1. Is there an in-house attending physician or do we choose a primary doctor? 2. Do they work with specialists (Cardiologist, Dermatologist, Podiatrist, etc) that come to the home or does the family pick and transport patient? 3. Psychiatry – Do they have a preferred attending physician, or does the family pick?

- We currently have one; can we keep him if we choose too?

Medical Records 1. Do we have access to view medical & drug documentation of the patient when requested? 2. May we get copies of such records when needed?

Behavior 1. How does the facility handle difficult behavior, like wandering or the patient going through drawers? 2. Constant requests to go home? 3. Are the caregivers prepared to handle the demanding behavior of dementia? 4. At what point will the patient be evicted from the home due to behavior?

Stimulation 1. Are there Spanish speakers in the home? 2. What activities take place for mind stimulation?

Visitation & Family Outings 1. What are the visitation & phone call hours/rules of the home?

treatment or prevention ideas posted by bostonterr05 @ 02:29 AM November 19, 2009

bostonterr05 — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 02:29:06 -0000

For all those caregivers and those who givea "break" to the caregivers, GOD BLESS YOU.

Should they know their diagnosis? posted by mabower @ 01:13 AM November 19, 2009

mabower — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 01:13:30 -0000

Dear LeslieAB1,

Is there any chance of a trip being in your future? Perhaps a needed long weekend with girlfriends or a medical procedure that you have been putting off? Do you have children out of state that you could go to visit? If so, this would be an ideal time to give your stepdaughter the opportunity to 'have dad all to herself' and let her care for him while you are gone. It has been my experience that no one can understand the problem until they 'walk in your shoes' for a while. A few days of 24 hour care is usually a big eye opener!

Should they know their diagnosis? posted by LeslieAB1 @ 10:44 PM November 18, 2009

LeslieAB1 — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 22:44:08 -0000

Wow! What a great idea. I could suggest that to her, but I doubt very much that she would actually do it. It is too bad that she wasn't with us last evening when he suddently asked me, "Ah, what you did once, ah (circling his wrists in a 'come on' fashion), when you...played a) he was trying to ask me something about having played Yenta the Matchmaker in Fiddler some years ago and could not form the sentence. Really, too bad. I will keep you suggestion in the front of my mind. Thanks, L

Desperate for help!! posted by Anonymous @ 04:20 PM November 18, 2009

Anonymous — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 16:20:14 -0000

One way to get your loved one to a doctor is to enlist the help of Adult Protective Services. They will send out a social worker to evaluate your parent, and, if they find that the situation is dangerous for the individual, they will try to persuade them to see a doctor. If the individual refuses, they will have the police take them to the hospital.

What Do I do??? posted by Desperado @ 02:59 PM November 18, 2009

Desperado — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 14:59:38 -0000

Thank you ... beautiful words of wisdom.

What Do I do??? posted by Anonymous @ 08:31 AM November 18, 2009

Anonymous — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 08:31:40 -0000

I have to tell you, it sounds like you've really been "gutsing" it out for a long time. I'm sorry that you have lost your mother, but if it was anything at all like so much of what I'm seeing these days, she just had more hell coming, and so did you. No easy way. Find the exit sign and head for it--jump start your own life. Guilt is sooo useless. Regrets aren't any better. You do what you can with what you have, and then . . . it is just time to get on with it. The worst part for me is knowing that I won't even realize the loss of my mother when she passes. She's just sliding away bit by bit. My mother, I realize now, has been gone for some time. Sometimes she's lucid, sometimes she's not. Even lucid, though, she's still not "my mother." I guess I lost her a while back while I wasn't paying attention. She's still a good soul, and she'll be cared for til the day she dies (physically), but I won't feel guilty. It's a luxury I can't mentally afford. We all do the best we can with what we have. Sometimes we don't have enough. There are no fifty cent coupons to cut for peace of mind. May your mother, and may you, rest in peace. She in the next life, and you in this one. Take good care of yourself.

What Do I do??? posted by jorie13 @ 04:56 AM November 18, 2009

jorie13 — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 04:56:44 -0000

Please don't try to second quess yourself. You did what you could at the time. Too often, we feel bad about what happens when we can't possibly prepare for what we don't know. You are NOT responsible for things you can't control and your mother had rights that could not be easily overridden. Remember, you have nothing to regret. Remember the good times. I'll be praying for you. Also, guilt and anger are part of grieving and you need help with this.

treatment or prevention ideas posted by Helping Hands @ 12:34 AM November 18, 2009

Helping Hands — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 00:34:06 -0000

Hello Mcbivens and everyone. I work with families and people dealing with Alzheimer's. I am not a nurse, just a "break" when a caregiver or the person suffering needs one. With that said, I have noticed that mind building helps not so much because of the disease but just the isolation and depression. Some Alzheimer's clients know me but not their own children. I usually go in the home once a week. That's seven days with no contact. But I get my smile and my oh I'm getting a bath today lol. How I know they know me is I sing a certain song. I hum it or sing the entire time I'm there. When I enter in the home my greeting is my song being hummed or I am greeted with song. Painting helps those that do not like touch.Talking about anything and nothing helps with depression.I even use plants- Deadhead mums, It takes no thought, just repeated "now" action. I think because I am remembered even if it's not by name, memory stimulation makes some difference. Medically not so, but in my heart I'll choose to believe that somewhere in there I can touch a heart that can't tell me.

I think it's almost time for a Nursing Home Transition. posted by cheryldavis @ 11:00 PM November 17, 2009

cheryldavis — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 23:00:05 -0000

Please check with your Office of Regulatory Services to see if the nursing home you are considering has any complaints or investigations for problems. My Mother was only in a nursing home for 90 days while my Father was dying but she was verbally and physically abused. The day I gave thirty days notice and returned she had a head injury and was bleeding profusely while the staff was standing around getting their story together on what happened. I understand that it is difficult to care for someone after I have been in the role for 27 months without a day off but please check in often and at different times. You will be shocked at what goes on in these places when the staff doe not realize you are paying attention. Everything from sedating the patients to ignoring their basic needs. It is a crying shame how the elderly and helpless are treated in some of these facilities.

I think it's almost time for a Nursing Home Transition. posted by ruthiep @ 10:36 PM November 17, 2009

ruthiep — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 22:36:31 -0000

I have just gone through the very painful decision to place my husband in Alzheimer's care. He is at an assisted living facility with a special Alzheimer's unit. I had him stay there several months ago, so he was familiar with it. He has also been going to adult day care at another facility, so he is used to being in that sort of environment. Both of us talked to his doctor, and his doctor told him that I could no longer care for him at home, and that she recommended he go to a place where they could care for him. He accepted this pretty well, and for a few days before the actual transfer, I would bring up that the facility was really a nice place, etc. Have close family or friends with you when you actually make the transition. His two sons flew in from the east and west coasts, and this helped me tremendously. One thing for sure, you can't go it alone with this disease. I also got a lot of help from the facility with suggestions about how to approach it. We told him that we were going to "try this for awhile to see how it goes." He accepted that, and when I went to visit today for the first time, he asked "how did you know where to find me?"

treatment or prevention ideas posted by arlene59 @ 10:04 PM November 17, 2009

arlene59 — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 22:04:55 -0000

My husband and I were just talking about this yesterday. Daddy (88 and AD) used to sit in a chair and not interact at all. Following a suggestion from my brother, I bought Daddy a word search puzzle book (he used to work them a lot and then ???). He loved them (again) and worked them feverishly (a whole book every couple of weeks). A few months later, I bacame his and Mama's DPOA; then Mama passed away and he came to live with my husband and me. We have never let him run out of word search puzzle books. He has improved so much in the two years that he has now been with us. Is the improvement due to mind stimulation, the change in environment, better health practices, better diet or some combination of all of the above? We don't know, but we believe it is all of the above, I also know that he's a lot more like the man that raised me. The disease is marching on, though, we can see it, but for now all is well and we have so much to be thankful for.

What Do I do??? posted by Desperado @ 09:52 PM November 17, 2009

Desperado — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 21:52:00 -0000

Dear mom's paranoid! ...of all the things people have said over this past week ... all with good intentions ... I have to say your words - all of them resonated with me. I'm going to come back here later and elaborate but I wanted to say thank you for the candid straight shoot from the hip truth! There's something refreshing in your truth.

Mother angry at being in assisted living posted by tedo @ 09:44 PM November 17, 2009

tedo — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 21:44:58 -0000

FIRST OF ALL, HERE IS A HUGE HUG. MY MOM PASSED AWAY 10 YEARS AGO FROM THIS DREADED DISEASE. WE HAD TO PUT HER IN A NURSING HOME BEACUSE MY DAD PASSED AWAY AND WE ALL WORKED AND AT THAT TIME SHE WAS IN THE BEGINNING STAGES AND VERY COMBATIVE STATE. SHE WAS ONLY IN THE HOME FOR 6 MONTHS AND AFTER ONE MONTH, SHE DID NOT CARE WHERE SHE WAS, SHE ALS0 FOUND A FRIEND BUT THOUGHT IT WAS MY DAD. FUNNY BUT SAD. WELL , HER MONEY RAN OUT AND I QUIT MY JOB TO TAKE CARE OF HER FULL TIME AND SHE PASSED ON TWO YEARS LATER IN MY HOME. I HAVE SO MAY HAPPY MEMORIES AND SAD MEMORIES OF THOSE FINAL YEARS. ALL I CAN TELL YOU IS SEE HER OFTEN, HOLD HER HAND, SING TO HER AND HOLD HER. SHE KNOWS YOU ARE THERE.

BLESS YOU TEDO

What Do I do??? posted by mom's paranoid! @ 09:20 PM November 17, 2009

mom's paranoid! — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 21:20:53 -0000

charlene, i'm really sorry about your mom. I just want to tell you that you an your daughter are to be concentrated on now that your mom's in a better place. I moved out of my rent controlled apartment into mom's because she refused to go to skilled facility. since there's no longterm care insurance her house will have to sell or reverse mortgage to pay for that. anyway, she's paranoid to the point that every noise she says (wild eyed)"what's that?", i have to not only close the drapes but i have to then use clothespins to not let any peeks through. she's broken one microwave by putting metal and foil in it "no" is her favorite word. She even threatend to kill me (and she has a gun which i found and hid) when she thought i was someone named "imogene".. it's crazy around this house and it was crazy around your mom's.. My mother has TWO masters degrees and on a normal day NONE of the above (except the paranoia)would be a factor. Dementia's taken hold and it's only going to get worse no matter how much she denies she's got it! that's all your mom had in store was worse. Thank God she died at home 'cause that's what she wanted. And me? Let's hope I can hold out so my mom can die at home too. One more thing-- my sister has dementia too and I probably will too eventually. I don't want to live in the throes of dementia for years and if i happened to wander to my garage looking for my toothbrush and my dementia life ends at that moment then so be it.i wish the best to you and yours and no guilt! Life's too short for that.

Should they know their diagnosis? posted by lg11360 @ 09:00 PM November 17, 2009

lg11360 — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 21:00:31 -0000

Leslie - I'm sorry to hear about your husband's daughter as that's added stress to your situation that makes it all more difficult. Maybe she would like to take her father to another neurologist of her choice. How much time does she spend with him? May father died of long, terrible battle with AD is 1985, so when my mother's symptoms started I wanted to believe it was anything else...how could my mother also have this horrible disease after all she went thru in caring for my father? It's a hard thing to accept. Unfortunately, this is out of my control and out of your family's control. Take the pressure off yourself though and ask her if she'd like to get more involved in his medical testing & diagnosis. She will have to accept it eventually.

I think it's almost time for a Nursing Home Transition. posted by mabower @ 08:18 PM November 17, 2009

mabower — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 20:18:28 -0000

A nursing home provides 24 hour skilled nursing services. These are very expensive and range from $6000 - 8000 a month. Does you mother have medical conditions that require 24 skilled nursing?

If not, investigate memory care communities within Assisted Living Homes. They provide assistance with grooming, care, medications, etc. and are much more reasonable in cost. Look at several. Spend some time visiting them. Many have respite programs that allow you to have your loved one stay there for 3 - 30 days. This is a service to provide families a way to take a break, a vacation, a business trip, have a medical procedure, etc., but it also lets you 'trial' the care and see how it goes. There is a fee, of course, but there is no commitment or contract.

Another alternative is an Adult Family Home. These usually have around 6 people living there and have 24 hour custodial care. Costs vary widely, as do the services provided, so it is good to do a lot of investigation.

Each state has it's own licensing regulations and rules - these are usually available on-line through your state government website. Also, most nursing homes have a lot of information about both kinds of facilities, as they discharge people to them. They can be a good resource, as well. The key is doing the research, making visits, looking at the quality of the activity program, and finding the right fit for your loved one, and you! Changes are hard for a person with dementia, so you want to make a good choice the first time!

Good luck.

What Do I do??? posted by mabower @ 07:45 PM November 17, 2009

mabower — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 19:45:22 -0000

Dear Charlene - and all who are caring for a loved one with dementia:

I am so sorry for your loss. You struggled with a very difficult situation and there are no snap solutions. Unfortunately, it ended in the bad outcome that everyone dreads.

I found when I was helping my parents (my Dad died of Melanoma and my Mother with Alzheimer's after a long illness) that I had to hang onto two throughts: 1. I am doing the very best I can for them, and 2. I have to do what they would want IF they could make sound decisions.

Just a note, even if you have a DPOA, it only takes effect if the person is declared incompetent by a physician, and it can only be granted by the person when they are able to make informed, sound decisions. If one doesn't have a POA, then guardianship must be pursued. In that process, the court decides if the person if competent and appoints a guardian.

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