My Grandmother is 90 years old and has Alzheimer's dementia. I don't know what stage, I just know she's been like this, progressively getting worse, for about six years. Six years ago she was still living alone but forgetting things and needing someone to stop by often. Within a year my mother realized she needed to move in with my Grandma, after several dangerous incidents (putting things in the oven and forgetting them, not taking meds, etc).
So, at this point my Grandma needs constant supervision (she wanders and has fallen and hurt herself), is incontinent, the whole nine yards. My mother lives with her and is her 24/7 caregiver. THAT is the crux of the problem and the point of my post.
My mother's brother is rather selfish and useless, and for the first few years did nothing at all to help. My mother has been able to convince (guilt) him to help out some, and he will come and stay for a max of 3 or 4 months each year to assist, then returns to doing whatever it is he does. Then again, my mother is a very difficult person to get along with, and when he's around she battles with him constantly regarding how he cares for my Grandma. I don't condone him not helping, because it is HIS mother too... but I understand him not wanting to be around my mom! That sounds bad but if you knew her... she is very domineering, hyper critical, and everything must be done HER way. Then again, he would just as soon put her in a home and be done with it, and my mother is adamantly against this (which I agree with her on)...
So how do I fit into all this? I am in my mid 30s, a full time student in my second year of college (I got a late start) with a part time job and three children. Not to mention, I am a single mom. Oh, and broke to boot, I don't get child support and am constantly financially struggling. . I have a sibling who is unavailable and not around... and I live about an hour away from my mom/grandma. My mother is very burned out and stressed out and takes it out on me every chance she gets. She expects me to relieve her when she needs to do things without my Grandmother. Every argument with her ends witha comment about how I don't realize how hard it is for her to do this alone.
She is so wrong... I am painfully aware of her frustrations and struggles..... but I cannot make her understand that I'm not just "selfish". When I was a baby she cared for a terminally ill relative, and brings that up a lot, how she did all that even with young kids... but she forgets, she had an older child as well who was at least some help with me, and a supportive husband, and money enough to not worry about anything at all. Oh yeah, and a nanny part time, and a housekeeper when she wanted it! None of those apply to me. My schedule is insane, I have my own type of stress and worry, and the biggest issue out of all of this is that my mom has the MONEY to hire someone to help out. I am going nonstop from morning until midnight or later, and by the time the weekends come I can only stop briefly to catch my breath then catch up on studying and grocery shopping and laundry and whatever the kids need signed for school and so forth. But in my mom's eyes, she is the only one in the world with stress and a busy schedule, and the rest of the world is just sitting on their butt reading the comics while she toils away (she has ALWAYS been like that, very much a martyr)...:::sigh::::
My grandmother has a good income, my mom has a "decent" income, my uncle has a very good retirement income... between my mom and grandma alone, excluding my uncle, they have at least triple what I am living on and supporting 3 kids (one with developmental problems), and paying a mortgage with. My grandmother's house is paid for, there are no credit card bills or car payments... the only expenses are basic utilities and property taxes. My grandmother has good medical insurance, very little costs there also. I think it is perfectly reasonable to expect my mom to pay someone to give her a break... for her, for my Grandma, for everyone's benefit. For that matter I feel as though my Uncle should cough up some money since he chooses to be absent much of the time, but I can't make that happen.
My mother refuses to hire someone. She says she shouldn't "have' to pay a stranger, when there is family available. She talks about possibly paying someone then makes excuses and doesn't do it. She says there's no money for that (absolutely not true). She's really a bit of a tightwad, honestly... we aren't talking about all day care 5 days a week. As I keep trying to tell her, just having someone come 2 weekends a month would give her a GREAT deal of relief and slow down this burnout but she won't do it. She says she can't just hire "some stranger" but I suggested to her that she hire the person to be there WHILE SHE IS THERE, at first, and over time this person will cease being a stranger. I understand her fears, it's the same fears we have of leaving our children with sitters, but multiplied because of the specific issues with Alzheimer's, but if a home is out of the question then isn't it something you have to deal with (hiring people) at least occasionally??
I feel horrible though for having these sorts of thoughts about the entire situation. I feel very guilty. I have a very hard time dealing with my Grandmother's condition. I feel, in some ways, as if the Grandmother I knew has gone forever. I know it has to be doubly hard for my mom! I always expected to some day have to care for my mother and I will live up to that responsibility when the time comes... but I think she's being unreasonable to expect that from me now, with my Grandma, when there are other options and she is just unwilling to take advantage of them. For heaven's sake, when she talks about wanting me to come out and care for my Grandma for a weekend, my first thought is to wonder if I have gas money to get there!
If my mother was not able to care for my Grandma, and if there were no FUNDS for hiring help, it would be different, and my views would be different, but the way I see it, my mom is frustrated with other family members (mainly my Uncle) who are free of young children and have money and don't help and the only one to dump it all on is me. :(
So, I want to hear from caregivers. What would your expectations be? Would YOU hire help if money wasn't an issue?
Watch This
.... like I said... tight with money like you wouldn't believe. There's a difference between frugal and foolish, IMO!
