Hi Lynng,

I'm so sorry to hear of the difficulties your parents are facing. I'm particularly sorry about your dad and how he just doesn't want to let go of her. Is it at all possible for them to perhaps enter a nursing home together, still be together but have the care she needs?

Let him know that he is not "letting her go." He will still have a lot to do with her care. The nursing home will take care of the hard parts, and he will have more energy and love to give to her each and everyday. A nursing home is not the end, it is just a step. Now that my husband has been in memory support and now skilled nursing, my responsibility has not changed. I am still the one in charge. However, I can now spend more time holding his hand, talking about old memories, and showering him with love. Why? Because I am not mentally and physically drained. I get a good nights sleep. This gives me the energy and time to give him the one thing no one else can ... Old memories and lots of love. My husband and I have been married 54 years. I have been in your Dad's shoes.

One other thing. They actually can thrive in a different setting that is smaller and feels safer to them at this stage of the disease.

I agree with Laurel and Joy. My own family insist that I will never go to a nursing home but I tell them that assisted living can be a better choice with someone like me who has memory problems which may get worse. Visits from loved ones can be even better than living together when you spend quality time together in a safe environment.

My brother went through the same thing. His kids insisted he put his wife in a home. He still has a lot of issues. He goes to the home every night to have dinner with her. Then he comes home depressed. He often says he wants to bring her home for a weekend. I told him I didn't think that was a good idea. She seems very happy at the home, but my brother still has a hard time with it. I think it's the old "for better or worse, in sickness and in health" thing. He is so much better with her in a home, but he's extremely lonely. It's a very difficult decision. Good luck. My prayers are with you.

Maybe you can go visit a few nursing homes with your dad. Have him meet with the admin. to take him on a tour and answer any question he might have. Your dad is having a lot of emotion going thru his head, one being quilt. We sometimes think we are not being the good spouse or child if we admit our loved ones into a nursing home, but we have to realize sometimes it is the best place for our love ones to be. And the fear of the unknown we hear stories and think we are abandoning our love ones. As the other said some people thrive and have just a better quality of life in nursing facilities and of course it makes it a little better for the caregiver and family also.

On one hand I think it would be better for my mom to go into a home, but I really thnk it would kill my Dad. He is not in the best of health either and can't be left alone. We can't afford to put them in a nursing home. We have looked at several and they are so expensive. I wish we could put them in a place where they can both get the care they need without worry. My sister takes care of them both and she is totally worn out. We help everyday after work, but we have to work. They both have nurses that come and check on them regularly. I appreciate all of your support.

First let me say my Dad who had Parkinsons Disease passed away long before my Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimers so my heart and blessings to all of you who have a parent having to deal with this. My dad worried himself sick if my mom went in for a routine procedure so I can't imagine the difficult decisions that would have to be made. My wife and I moved my mother in when she was in the very early stages, since I worked days and my wife nights things were okay. We decided to move back to my hometown where I have a sister living who said she could help us with care. If we went out for an evening we would take her over to her house. By now my Mom had worsened and would become very agitated wondering where we were. My sister would get angry with her and told us she doesn't even know me anymore later stating "I've accepted and buried my mom." My rational was that as long as she knows me i can't put her in a home, by doing so I was sentencing her to die. Knowing it would break my heart to see her there I convinced myself by not recognizing me I wouldn't feel guilty about not going. My wife worked at one and didn't want it. Luckily we qualified for a program that pays me for her care at home. She now is in the late stages and doesn't know my name or my wifes she tells me she loves me so much and I am such a wonderful woman though I'm her son. I thank God for the opportunity to care for her. I dreaded the day she wouldn't know me anymore but now seeing that she comfortable and content is okay

Sorry to hear about your mom Lynng. Alzheimer's is truly a horrible and scary disease. A nursing home is one option but you may want to consider live-in home care as well. This way your mother can be comfortable and familiar in her surroundings while receiving treatment from a trained professional. Some live-in home care specialists actually train in Alzheimer's treatment and they know many methods to help combat the disease. Good luck and best wishes.

My oldest sister lives with my parents and takes care of them, but the pressure and toil on her is wearing on her health wise. Since she has to take careof them full time she can't work. we try to help where ever we can since we live next door. We tried to get medicade for my sister since she has no insurance and the strain is causing her health issues. Medicade won't help her. They said she can go get a job. We asked them when will they be at the house to watch my parents so my sister can go get a job! She has a full time job 24/7. They just don't understand at all. So we try to help her pay her medical bills so she can be healthy enough to take care of them while we work.

I am also taking care of my mother in my home. My brother doesn't work and also live with me, so he is home with her most of the time. But he has some medical issues and can't take care of her full time. We are in the process of applying for Medicaid and getting state aid. I found out that, in some places, family members can either be paid by the state for providing care or the family member can be hired by an agency that is paid by the state. Maybe one of those would be an option for your system.

I didn't know that. I will check it out. My prayers are with you and your family.