According to the assisted living medical staff, mom could stay bitter for the rest of her life.  She has been on medication for her anxiety to calm her down for several months now, and it has helped a little.  She is not near as angry and out of control as she was the first few months, and at times she is the loving mom that we grew up with. She has become friends with another lady at the facility, which we are happy that she has a friend.  But the problem is that this lady is as unhappy as mom is and as nasty to her children as mom is to my sister and me.  The two of them get together in one or the other's apartment and call their children.  I guess they do this for support.  But together, they can be so mean!  The staff would have preferred that mom met a lady that she could be friends with that had a positive attitude and enjoyed living there.  I guess as they say "misery loves company".  I think that altheimer's is the worst disease out there as it lasts for years and turns the person you love into someone you don't even know.  My sister and I are not looking forward to how the different stages of the disease will effect our parents.  Our dad, according to the doctors is in the beginning of the last stage.  He still knows us as someone he loves, but I don't think he knows our names, or that we are his daughters.  He doesn't want mom out of his site, but rarely calls her by name.  He is having a hard time making conversation and that frustrates him.  The words in the sentences don't make sense most of the time.  It becomes so emotional for us to see him struggle with talking to us.  But dad has never been nasty to us even with this disease.  From what the doctors tell us, the disease affects people differently.  We live day by day and hope that mom will one day come to accept living in the assisted facility and that she will forgive us.

I'm still trying to figure it all out.  Does anyone know if a surviving spouse can get VA Benefits ($1050 per month) JUST because her spouse was in the military?  Did not die in service, no disabiilties.  Just served a few years and got out.  Years later died of something totally unrelated.

A while back I read in caring.com that same statement but I can't remember which section. I will look for it for you.  There is a section on the VA benfits web site that discusses some of what you are asking.  I agree it is a hard site to search thru and I became frustrated. 

I suggest that you call your local Alzheimers Assn and ask them.  They are a wealth of info and kind enough to share and direct you.  I am going to be meeting with them soon.

Best wishes.

VA Benefits are available to the surviving spouse to help pay for assissted living. As long as there was no divorce and the husband of wife is deceased the amount is 1056.00 if they get the top amount if both are living it is more or if the one living is the veteran it is higher . you might find information at some of the assissted living places as to how to apply. That where I originally got my info and applied for my lady friend. My nderstanding is it isn't paid if they are in a nursing home only assissited living took months to get the first check but it was paid retroactive. It is a god send.nYou could check on the internet also it is called assistance for aid and attendance

Found this on the veterans website hope it helpsTHE AID & ATTENDANCE PROGRAM
The Aid and Attendance (A&A) Special Pension provides benefits for veterans and surviving spouses who require the regular attendance of another person to assist in eating, bathing, dressing and undressing or taking care of the needs of nature. It also includes individuals who are blind or a patient in a nursing home because of mental or physical incapacity. Assisted care in an assisting living facility also qualifies.

The A&A Pension can provide up to $1,632 per month to a veteran, $1,055 per month to a surviving spouse, or $1,949 per month to a couple*.

Eligibility must be proven by filing the proper Veterans Application for Pension or Compensation. This application will require a copy of DD-214 (see below for more information) or separation papers, Medical Evaluation from a physician, current medical issues, net worth limitations, and net income, along with out-of-pocket Medical Expenses.

A DD-214 is issued to military members upon separation from active service. DD-214s were issued to separated service members beginning in the 1950's. The term "DD-214" is often used generically to mean "separation papers" or "discharge papers", no matter what form number was used to document active duty military service. If the VA has a copy of a DD-214, it is usually because the veteran attached a copy (or sometimes, the original) to his or her application for disability or education benefits. If you’ve lost your original DD-214 or a copy and you are receiving (or applied for in the past) disability or education benefits from the VA, they may have a copy (or the original, if you gave it to them) on file. At the very least, if you are currently receiving benefits (or did in the past), they should be able to provide a Statement of Service, which can be used instead of a "DD-214".

For more general information about the Aid & Attendance Special Pension, please see VetAssist.org's FAQ
 

Thank you so very much.!!!  That was very helpful.  We are working with someone and wasn't sure the information was accurate - but he was dead on.........  I feel alot better. Thanks

so glad it helped  once you apply it takes months to get the first check BUT it will be retroactive so the first check pays back to when it is approved my friends took 9 months but she got all the back pay at one time

to warn anyone with a parent with alzeheimers..........make sure the dr knows for sure. Make him show you the mri or what ever evidence he or she has to support this. A lot of elderly are diagnosed alzeheimers that are not. It's a money thing like a lot of health care. Just a warning, make sure. If they are given the perscriptions for this disease and they don't have the disease it will mess their thinking up very much. Take heed of this warning, from someone that really knows.

My understanding of Alzheimers is that the only absolute way to determine if it actually is Alzheimers is after death with an autopsy . MRi will only show if the brain has shrunk etc.

From all that I have researched, seminars attended, and doctor visits it seems to be the same - the only absolute way to confirm the diagnosis is with an autopsy.  The MRI shows the atrophy of the brain and the holes, the MMSE functioning - but all testing gives them the clues as to what it is, only an autopsy can confirm it.  The other dementias (and there are many - my mother has vascular dementia) have basically the same progress, and same ending.  They use the same meds for it too. There is only one new one that is really for Alz.  It just doesn't seem to benefit other dementia patients (or victims of dementia).

I would like to know the name of the newest one just to make sure I am up to date on all meds available

I'll have to think about it, or call her doctor.  I gave her the name when she said it is really only for Alz and mom has vascular dementia.  It started with a C, it's been advertised on TV, but just can't remember it.  Oh Dear!!!!!  what does that say about me....  You have to find humor where you can, or you will be in tears forever.....

If your like me it will come to you in the wee hours of the morning . Think when we are dealing with this our brain goes into overload. I am 75 and very active do a lot of accounting work etc. Dr told me if you think you have you don't as people with it  don't worry about anything they live in their own little world

Everyone has been quite informative and helpful.  Thanks to all of you for sharing.

I was told my 88 yr old mom has vasular dementia too.  Another doctor told me she had the early stages of alzheimers.  This whole stage of life is so painful, confusing and frustrating.  Most of the family members, especially her sister, her only living sibling, are in denial but I see her daily (she lives with me and my husband).  By reading this site and other reference materials, asking question upon question, I am getting a better understanding hopefully to help my mom and keep me from breaking down.  After accepting the fact, not taking her attacts personally, I am better able to deal with it....at least for the moment.  lol.  The hardest part is when it seems we go weeks with nothing more than minor forgetfulness and then it's like we hit a wall with the speed of a freight train.  You tend to forget that there is an illness and then something simple turns into pure h--l!

my mom is 86. we are waiting for a neurologist to evaluate her. we feel sure she has dementia or Alzheimer's. She has forgotten how to do several things she used to do, she says things that make no sense at all. I have been been the primary helper to Mom for the last 20 yrs. I have 3 other sisters and the younger one helps me the most. I had to BEG the other two to at least bring her dinner once a week. they do the minimum, but that's it. But, the oldest sister feels free to dispense her advice. One of her favorite sayings is "WE need to do this" and "WE need to do that." it drives me insane. I see mom several times a week, and we are waiting for the evaluation, so we can put her in an assisted living facility. She will not go willingly. It is so very hard to see this independent, strong woman, turn into someone you have to treat almost like a child. My oldest sister gets very agitated with my mom. she doesn't care, I don't beleive, but she wants to be around to be nosy. She volunteers nothing extra. The rest of us have husbands and work full time. My oldest sister is single and could do more, but won't. It makes me nuts. I have spent so much time looking for house keys, cooking her dinner, listening to my mom's rantings-always negative. It has about taken its toll on me. My husband and I just got back together after a brief seperation. we have been married 28 yrs, and I have mom over for dinner on the average of 4 nights a week and she was staying overnight several nights a week. it just was not good for my marriage. Mom wanted to monopolize my time when she stayed the night. But, it is easy for my oldest sister to point fingers, when she is standing at a far distance.

I get the same from my mom. She just wants to leave, she would be perfectly happy to go home and stay a few hours a day and go to assisted living at night. Well that won't be possible, as we must sell her home to cover expenses. It is very discouraging to alway be on the defensive and never know how to answer Mom without her getting upset with us. Her primary care physician was no help a month ago when he told her he would reevaluate her in 6 weeks. He said he did this because she was upset. Well he has prolonged the inevitable, we see him this Thursday, August 27th. You are not alone, I am also at a loss everytime I speak with my mom, never know when she is going to break down and start shouting at me. Like you say, my brother in law sees her daily and says she is fine, just puts on a show for my sisters and I. It is still very difficult. She has been in assisted living since about a month now. I am beginning to think it will be the same forever. Best wishes to you keep in touch.

My mom says she is going to "prison" when we take her to assisted living. My brother in law visits daily and has not seen anything amiss. So the guilt trip continues. I hear it from my mom all the time too.

I can surely relate. my father wa in a nursing home for 3 years before he died of emphezyma. I took my anual vacation to visit him and my mother who lived independently. He constantly asked when am I going home. My mother really couldn't take care of him any more, so going home was out of the question. he'd get ok with that then some rent-a-nurse would come along and say when are you going home? and It would all start over again. A friend of mine was diagnosed with lymphoma. It was a huge blow and she immediately decided she would curl up and die.She asked me to "bring the big knife" so she could end it. well I got so sick of hearing it that I did just that. the next time she started, I went into the kitchen and found the biggest knife there was and brought it back and handed it to her. She asked me why I was handing her a knife and I said 'that's what you asked for'. 'I got the biggest one you have.' I figured if she wanted it bad enough she was going to find a way. It shocked her so that she never mentioned it again and started chemo right afterwards.

Guber; Please share more of your wisdom. My 57 yr old husband has been diagnosed with TBI induced Dementia/Alzheimer's, but I strongly suspect his medications are to blame. Unfortunately, due to regulations, the only way some people can get Medicaid to cover cost of care giving is to qualify under mental illness (Dementia/Alzheimer's). To qualify under this one must be taking certain drugs as proof - so the doctors prescribe drugs - which can cause the symptoms. My husband has been on a downward spiral since his doctor prescribed an ant-depressant (yes, he was depressed after his brain injury - that's normal). He has high blood pressure and heart disease yet the med prescribed agrivates this. It also is associated with diabetic onset. Two months ago, he collapsed from what his doctors say was a stroke after taking the anti-depressant for 1 yr. He now has diabetes which he never had and is being given meds for that. After his unexplained collapse (no sign of a bleed on his 3 MRIs or CATs), he was taken off the Efixorxr in hospital and under sedation (Adavan). The doctors immediately put him on high doses of Zyprexa - even though psychosis is a known temporary result of weaning of Effixorxr. It has been a battle to finally get him off the Zyprexa - lots of medical resistance. meanwhile he is in a skilled facility where he is running up a bill. If he is off all drugs, he may not be approved for Medicaid LTC, which will be a disaster for us. The collapse caused by his medications now has run up huge medical bills - which we will be responsible for if I take him home prior to getting Medicaid approval. At this point we would loose our home, and I do definately need in home additional care - which is only available through Medicaid LTC. The finally cut his Zyprexa dose 2/3rds to 250 daily. I'm afraid the medications have further damaged his brain. While he is still on them , I can't take him home. It is about money, as my husband told me when he was first admitted to the facility. An unholy alliance between the drug companies , hospitals, and care facilities. It is a difficult battle because family is not given correct info. Medicaitions for supposed mental problems is the new profit area, - especially as our population ages.

OMG!!!!! I can't believe how heplful it has been to read all of this blog. I was getting at my wits end and my problems seem small in comparison. My husband has been diagnosed with NPH {normal pressure hydrocephalus}so I know some of his symtems can be reversed. He is already showing signs of dementia so time is of the essence. And yes, he is only angry with me. He is in a Care and Rehab facility {can't walk and is incontinent} and I didn't even want to go and see him today. He has been refusing to get up, do any exercises or take a shower. He will have an operation to put in a shunt to drain the fluid in his brain, but after looking at the MRI the Dr wants to do an angiogram. I feel like I'm in a time warp since he collapsed. Anyway, have to get going now and my thoughts and prayers are with all of you.

Not sure if someone has posted this yet or not but have you considered home care workers. Perhaps caregivers that come to your mom's home can make her feel more comfortable.

FIRST OF ALL, HERE IS A HUGE HUG. MY MOM PASSED AWAY 10 YEARS AGO FROM THIS DREADED DISEASE. WE HAD TO PUT HER IN A NURSING HOME BEACUSE MY DAD PASSED AWAY AND WE ALL WORKED AND AT THAT TIME SHE WAS IN THE BEGINNING STAGES AND VERY COMBATIVE STATE. SHE WAS ONLY IN THE HOME FOR 6 MONTHS AND AFTER ONE MONTH, SHE DID NOT CARE WHERE SHE WAS, SHE ALS0 FOUND A FRIEND BUT THOUGHT IT WAS MY DAD. FUNNY BUT SAD. WELL , HER MONEY RAN OUT AND I QUIT MY JOB TO TAKE CARE OF HER FULL TIME AND SHE PASSED ON TWO YEARS LATER IN MY HOME. I HAVE SO MAY HAPPY MEMORIES AND SAD MEMORIES OF THOSE FINAL YEARS. ALL I CAN TELL YOU IS SEE HER OFTEN, HOLD HER HAND, SING TO HER AND HOLD HER. SHE KNOWS YOU ARE THERE.

BLESS YOU TEDO

My mom is miserable in the Assisted Living she is in currently - she has been back and forth between a nice Retirement Home, Nursing Care and Assisted Living over the past 12 years. She has been referred to hospice twice with lung disease, but has recovered. She refuses to live with us. She does not have diagnosed Alzheimers or Dementia..she is in a wheelchair and unable to transfer by herself and is incontinent. She is now angry with everyone who lives at the Assisted Living, and angry at most of the staff. I don't visit her as much because all she does is complain, and although I have worked with the Assisted Living on her complaints , it takes time, and she is taken care of. I understand what you're talking about.