'Mother angry at being in assisted living' posted by Ritan @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Ritan — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 06:56:17 -0000

Moved dad into Assisted Living facility in a beautiful place after he suffered some strokes. Doctor said he could not live alone anymore. He is still mobile, but he is showing more signs of dementia. I am his POA and now he has decided to call and yell at me for "putting me here." This AL place is like a hotel and he dines three times a day and they go on outings all the time. He won't go with the others and sits in his room all day and watches TV. Very upset with me all the time and my anxiety level is through the roof when the telephone rings or when I have to go visit him. I found that Seroquel worked wonders for him and he is not as aggressive as when he was on a small dose of Risperdal. I also found that I have to step out of myself and look at him as a sick person/child in need of care and that it is my responsibility to get it for him. I try to stay as detached as possible and when he starts to verbally assault me, I tell him I love him and make excuses and leave. I think this is working well for me. He seems to be nice to the staff thus far.

'Mother angry at being in assisted living' posted by louise0719 @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

louise0719 — Sat, 20 Nov 2010 12:42:55 -0000

guber, don't you think having a person home when they need so much care is dangerous. I think you are basing you opinion about AL facilities in a general sense and that isn't fair to do here. I think it is appropriate to place someone who can fall and get hurt many ways in AL. I am a professional but not someone who works in AL. Not all AL are bad they actually improve the level of functioning for some people.

'Mother angry at being in assisted living' posted by roberta13 @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

roberta13 — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 06:11:11 -0000

yes medicade will pay 100 percent for assisted living, but they take all of there check each month and if they own a house or vehicles or any money in the bank they take it all its so sad when people get old and sick that every thing is taken away from them i know my mom was in a nursing home for 8 months, it made me sick the care she got i took her home 5 months later she broke her foot and had to go back not the same place of course she has to have 2 months of rehab, they have taken everything she owns, she comes back home in 2 weeks it is so hard, mentally and physicaly, its the hardest thing ive ever dealt with, i have 5 sisters and brothers and none of them will step up and help but god knows and i pray every day he will help me take care of my mom she will not did in a nursing home if it kills me so be it.

'Mother angry at being in assisted living' posted by Loving Nana-Northern California @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Loving Nana-Northern California — Sun, 22 Aug 2010 04:24:10 -0000

I am so frustrated reading all the posts, especially the ones from an actual caregiver at a facility. My husband is in a memory care center where the staffing is 1-3 patients. He complains constantly about mind games they play and that they ridicule him. His stories are pretty out there and can't be true, he talks abuot being thrown in an elevator---the place is all on one floor, no elevators. He talks about 3 big guys taking him out of his room and throwing him on a bare floor----there is only 1 male big caregiver---never 3 especially at one time. Crazy stuff and he has dementia, from Lewy Body, also hydrocephalus and had a severe stroke in May which left him with highly agitated periods of every day where he just cant stop doing things. I visit daily and feel so guilty when I leave, he calls 2 x a day ad constantly complains and tells me these wild stories, I am going crazy dealing with his halucinations.

'Mother angry at being in assisted living' posted by anothercaregiver @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

anothercaregiver — Wed, 18 Aug 2010 20:46:47 -0000

My oldest sister is very selfish too. Basically a full fledged narcissist! She knowingly with held all medications from my mom for two weeks but thank God I knew it and gave it to her without my sister knowing. When I confronted her she wouldn't admit it, then she finally said, "well, maybe she doesn't need it, she looks good to me!" Then I told her I snuck over and got the meds and was administering them to her myself and then took them away from her & have been doing it myself for 11 months now. She has high blood pressure, low thyroid, anti-depressants and Aricept. Also found out she tried to get my mom to change her will. She's just wants money from my mom. She called my mom "stupid" and "dummy" when she didn't understand things. The doctor prescribed a gluten free diet one time while they tested her for the allergy but my sister continued to give her gluten products. I honestly think she was trying to kill her for her inheritance. I think that's why she moved away from us 8 months ago and we're very happy to care for our mother. Our mother only started needing more care about a year ago but she acted like my mom was an invalid or something. I think that when my mom started to forget things, she started using it to take advantage of her. Our mother has progressively gotten worse now but we are all doing what we can to keep her out of a home. It will kill my other sister and I when the time does come that we may have move her to a home. I feel for all of you who are dealing with parents who are going through all of this. I know some of you have it worse than we do right now but I'm sure it will get worse as time goes on. For the children (us) who "really love" our parents, it's the hardest on us and that's because we actually do care & love them. I hope you all try to do some things for yourselves now and then to keep you from going insane and I commend all of you! And yes, sometimes humor is the only thing that keeps us going. Wish you all the luck in the world! I'm finding all these stories very helpful to what there is to come for my sister and I. Thank you all for sharing.

'Mother angry at being in assisted living' posted by Loving Nana-Northern California @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Loving Nana-Northern California — Sat, 10 Jul 2010 02:03:03 -0000

How is your husband doing with a shunt? My husband was diagnosed with NPH 4 years ago and has had 13 hospitalizations for revisions, and has had multiple shunts, lumbar and ventricular. 3 years ago he was diagnosed with lewy body dementia, a form of parkinsons. We did fairly well for over 4 years, even with all the surgeries etc, but he had a stroke 5 weeks ago that totally took out his right ventricular. Since then he has lost the use of his legs, and his left field of vision. In addition the dementia is so much worse. Several friends asked if the nph problems with all the shunts caused the stroke----I of course don't know but all that poking around in his brain probably didn't help.

'Mother angry at being in assisted living' posted by Sheezacop @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Sheezacop — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 21:24:29 -0000

I feel for you. I'm getting ready to go throught the same thing with my Dad. One day he'll discuss how he has Alzheimer's and tell people he doesn't know how much longer he's going to live and the next day he says he just fine. He's mad at me because I had to take over all of his finances several months ago because he thinks he can handle it. But yet I have to call him twice a day or go to his house to make sure that he takes his medicines as he's supposed to. He gave me Durable Poweer Of Atorney years ago and we updated it in Nov., but I've unfortunately got a brother who is trying to find out how to get it revoked. So I went to court and got an interim guardianship appt. with the final hearing on the 2nd of March. What all did you have to bring to get it done? I've got medical records that date back a s far as 1994 showing he has "white brain matter disease" back then. He's gotten so much worse over the past 2 years that he'e now delusional and paranoid and not capable of handling wither his medical decisions or his finances. I've also got several witnesses that are going to testify as to his changes and things that he's doing. But he's very convincing and still somewhat sharp in some days and that's what drives us all nuts!! This is an absolutely awful thing to have to deal with.

'Mother angry at being in assisted living' posted by Anonymous @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Anonymous — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 05:24:40 -0000

SO SORRY IT TOOK ME SO LONG TO REPLY. I DIDN'T SEE THIS UNTIL TONIGHT. YOU CAN STILL HAVE MEDICADE AND NOT TAKE MEDICATIONS. HE WILL NEED SOME MEDS I AM SURE. IF A PERSON IS ONLY TAKING ONE MED. AND IS DIAGNOSED AND RECEIVES MEDICADE HELP THEN THEY ARE NOT GONNA TAKE HIM OFF UNLESS YOU CALL THEM AND SAY, HEY PEOPLE, HE IS NOT TAKING MEDICINES. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT PART. IF A PERSON STARTS WORKING AND TAXES ARE COMING OUT THEN MEDICADE PERKS UP THEIR EARS. I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU MEANT BY THE MG OF ZYPREXA? I THINK MAYBE U MEANT 20 MG INSTEAD OF 250. ZYPREXA CALMS MY SON AND HE SLEEPS WELL WITH IT. WEIGHT GAIN IS OUR PRIMARY CONCERN. PLEASE EMAIL ME AND LET ME KNOW MORE DETAILS IF YOU WANT TO. livelife51@gmail.com . Take care and trynot to worry a lot, let go of what you can and take care of what matters. and remember, you are special. mary(guber)

'Mother angry at being in assisted living' posted by tedo @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

tedo — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 18:02:23 -0000

I WILL SAY A LONG PRAYER FOR YOU TONIGHT, ITS NOT EASY TAKING CARE OF OUR PARENTS AND EVEN WORSE WHEN YOU HAVE TO PUT THEM IN A HOME. IT WAS THE WORST NIGHMARE OF MY LIFE HAVING TO PUT MOM IN ONE. BUT, PLEASE KNOW THIS IS THE SAFEST PLACE FOR HER TO BE AND WHEN THEY ARE VERY COMBATIVE AND ANGRY YOU REALLY LOSE YOUR PATIENCE WITH THEM, WHICH LEADS TO KNOWERE.

SO I THINK YOU ARE GOING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION WITH YOUR MOM, BUT KEEP TRYING TO BE THERE FOR HER, REMEMBER SHE MUST REALLY BE FRUSTRATED WITH HER SITUATION TOO.

TEDO

'Mother angry at being in assisted living' posted by Momnc @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Momnc — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 04:22:45 -0000

My mom is miserable in the Assisted Living she is in currently - she has been back and forth between a nice Retirement Home, Nursing Care and Assisted Living over the past 12 years. She has been referred to hospice twice with lung disease, but has recovered. She refuses to live with us. She does not have diagnosed Alzheimers or Dementia..she is in a wheelchair and unable to transfer by herself and is incontinent. She is now angry with everyone who lives at the Assisted Living, and angry at most of the staff. I don't visit her as much because all she does is complain, and although I have worked with the Assisted Living on her complaints , it takes time, and she is taken care of. I understand what you're talking about.

'Mother angry at being in assisted living' posted by tedo @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

tedo — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 21:44:58 -0000

FIRST OF ALL, HERE IS A HUGE HUG. MY MOM PASSED AWAY 10 YEARS AGO FROM THIS DREADED DISEASE. WE HAD TO PUT HER IN A NURSING HOME BEACUSE MY DAD PASSED AWAY AND WE ALL WORKED AND AT THAT TIME SHE WAS IN THE BEGINNING STAGES AND VERY COMBATIVE STATE. SHE WAS ONLY IN THE HOME FOR 6 MONTHS AND AFTER ONE MONTH, SHE DID NOT CARE WHERE SHE WAS, SHE ALS0 FOUND A FRIEND BUT THOUGHT IT WAS MY DAD. FUNNY BUT SAD. WELL , HER MONEY RAN OUT AND I QUIT MY JOB TO TAKE CARE OF HER FULL TIME AND SHE PASSED ON TWO YEARS LATER IN MY HOME. I HAVE SO MAY HAPPY MEMORIES AND SAD MEMORIES OF THOSE FINAL YEARS. ALL I CAN TELL YOU IS SEE HER OFTEN, HOLD HER HAND, SING TO HER AND HOLD HER. SHE KNOWS YOU ARE THERE.

BLESS YOU TEDO

'Mother angry at being in assisted living' posted by kjohnson @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

kjohnson — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 22:56:44 -0000

Not sure if someone has posted this yet or not but have you considered home care workers. Perhaps caregivers that come to your mom's home can make her feel more comfortable.

'Mother angry at being in assisted living' posted by willowtree @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

willowtree — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 00:36:15 -0000

OMG!!!!! I can't believe how heplful it has been to read all of this blog. I was getting at my wits end and my problems seem small in comparison. My husband has been diagnosed with NPH {normal pressure hydrocephalus}so I know some of his symtems can be reversed. He is already showing signs of dementia so time is of the essence. And yes, he is only angry with me. He is in a Care and Rehab facility {can't walk and is incontinent} and I didn't even want to go and see him today. He has been refusing to get up, do any exercises or take a shower. He will have an operation to put in a shunt to drain the fluid in his brain, but after looking at the MRI the Dr wants to do an angiogram. I feel like I'm in a time warp since he collapsed. Anyway, have to get going now and my thoughts and prayers are with all of you.

'Mother angry at being in assisted living' posted by Anonymous @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Anonymous — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 18:06:45 -0000

Guber; Please share more of your wisdom. My 57 yr old husband has been diagnosed with TBI induced Dementia/Alzheimer's, but I strongly suspect his medications are to blame. Unfortunately, due to regulations, the only way some people can get Medicaid to cover cost of care giving is to qualify under mental illness (Dementia/Alzheimer's). To qualify under this one must be taking certain drugs as proof - so the doctors prescribe drugs - which can cause the symptoms. My husband has been on a downward spiral since his doctor prescribed an ant-depressant (yes, he was depressed after his brain injury - that's normal). He has high blood pressure and heart disease yet the med prescribed agrivates this. It also is associated with diabetic onset. Two months ago, he collapsed from what his doctors say was a stroke after taking the anti-depressant for 1 yr. He now has diabetes which he never had and is being given meds for that. After his unexplained collapse (no sign of a bleed on his 3 MRIs or CATs), he was taken off the Efixorxr in hospital and under sedation (Adavan). The doctors immediately put him on high doses of Zyprexa - even though psychosis is a known temporary result of weaning of Effixorxr. It has been a battle to finally get him off the Zyprexa - lots of medical resistance. meanwhile he is in a skilled facility where he is running up a bill. If he is off all drugs, he may not be approved for Medicaid LTC, which will be a disaster for us. The collapse caused by his medications now has run up huge medical bills - which we will be responsible for if I take him home prior to getting Medicaid approval. At this point we would loose our home, and I do definately need in home additional care - which is only available through Medicaid LTC. The finally cut his Zyprexa dose 2/3rds to 250 daily. I'm afraid the medications have further damaged his brain. While he is still on them , I can't take him home. It is about money, as my husband told me when he was first admitted to the facility. An unholy alliance between the drug companies , hospitals, and care facilities. It is a difficult battle because family is not given correct info. Medicaitions for supposed mental problems is the new profit area, - especially as our population ages.

'Mother angry at being in assisted living' posted by An Hour 4 Me @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

An Hour 4 Me — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 20:11:19 -0000

I can surely relate. my father wa in a nursing home for 3 years before he died of emphezyma. I took my anual vacation to visit him and my mother who lived independently. He constantly asked when am I going home. My mother really couldn't take care of him any more, so going home was out of the question. he'd get ok with that then some rent-a-nurse would come along and say when are you going home? and It would all start over again. A friend of mine was diagnosed with lymphoma. It was a huge blow and she immediately decided she would curl up and die.She asked me to "bring the big knife" so she could end it. well I got so sick of hearing it that I did just that. the next time she started, I went into the kitchen and found the biggest knife there was and brought it back and handed it to her. She asked me why I was handing her a knife and I said 'that's what you asked for'. 'I got the biggest one you have.' I figured if she wanted it bad enough she was going to find a way. It shocked her so that she never mentioned it again and started chemo right afterwards.

'Mother angry at being in assisted living' posted by sewmoore @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

sewmoore — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 20:06:08 -0000

My mom says she is going to "prison" when we take her to assisted living. My brother in law visits daily and has not seen anything amiss. So the guilt trip continues. I hear it from my mom all the time too.

'Mother angry at being in assisted living' posted by sewmoore @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

sewmoore — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 20:01:37 -0000

I get the same from my mom. She just wants to leave, she would be perfectly happy to go home and stay a few hours a day and go to assisted living at night. Well that won't be possible, as we must sell her home to cover expenses. It is very discouraging to alway be on the defensive and never know how to answer Mom without her getting upset with us. Her primary care physician was no help a month ago when he told her he would reevaluate her in 6 weeks. He said he did this because she was upset. Well he has prolonged the inevitable, we see him this Thursday, August 27th. You are not alone, I am also at a loss everytime I speak with my mom, never know when she is going to break down and start shouting at me. Like you say, my brother in law sees her daily and says she is fine, just puts on a show for my sisters and I. It is still very difficult. She has been in assisted living since about a month now. I am beginning to think it will be the same forever. Best wishes to you keep in touch.

'Mother angry at being in assisted living' posted by Ruby A @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Ruby A — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 14:19:44 -0000

my mom is 86. we are waiting for a neurologist to evaluate her. we feel sure she has dementia or Alzheimer's. She has forgotten how to do several things she used to do, she says things that make no sense at all. I have been been the primary helper to Mom for the last 20 yrs. I have 3 other sisters and the younger one helps me the most. I had to BEG the other two to at least bring her dinner once a week. they do the minimum, but that's it. But, the oldest sister feels free to dispense her advice. One of her favorite sayings is "WE need to do this" and "WE need to do that." it drives me insane. I see mom several times a week, and we are waiting for the evaluation, so we can put her in an assisted living facility. She will not go willingly. It is so very hard to see this independent, strong woman, turn into someone you have to treat almost like a child. My oldest sister gets very agitated with my mom. she doesn't care, I don't beleive, but she wants to be around to be nosy. She volunteers nothing extra. The rest of us have husbands and work full time. My oldest sister is single and could do more, but won't. It makes me nuts. I have spent so much time looking for house keys, cooking her dinner, listening to my mom's rantings-always negative. It has about taken its toll on me. My husband and I just got back together after a brief seperation. we have been married 28 yrs, and I have mom over for dinner on the average of 4 nights a week and she was staying overnight several nights a week. it just was not good for my marriage. Mom wanted to monopolize my time when she stayed the night. But, it is easy for my oldest sister to point fingers, when she is standing at a far distance.

'Mother angry at being in assisted living' posted by sdhIndy @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

sdhIndy — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 19:19:31 -0000

Everyone has been quite informative and helpful. Thanks to all of you for sharing.

I was told my 88 yr old mom has vasular dementia too. Another doctor told me she had the early stages of alzheimers. This whole stage of life is so painful, confusing and frustrating. Most of the family members, especially her sister, her only living sibling, are in denial but I see her daily (she lives with me and my husband). By reading this site and other reference materials, asking question upon question, I am getting a better understanding hopefully to help my mom and keep me from breaking down. After accepting the fact, not taking her attacts personally, I am better able to deal with it....at least for the moment. lol. The hardest part is when it seems we go weeks with nothing more than minor forgetfulness and then it's like we hit a wall with the speed of a freight train. You tend to forget that there is an illness and then something simple turns into pure h--l!

'Mother angry at being in assisted living' posted by Anonymous @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Anonymous — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 13:48:14 -0000

If your like me it will come to you in the wee hours of the morning . Think when we are dealing with this our brain goes into overload. I am 75 and very active do a lot of accounting work etc. Dr told me if you think you have you don't as people with it don't worry about anything they live in their own little world

'Mother angry at being in assisted living' posted by Sherryaw @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Sherryaw — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 13:37:45 -0000

I'll have to think about it, or call her doctor. I gave her the name when she said it is really only for Alz and mom has vascular dementia. It started with a C, it's been advertised on TV, but just can't remember it. Oh Dear!!!!! what does that say about me.... You have to find humor where you can, or you will be in tears forever.....

'Mother angry at being in assisted living' posted by Anonymous @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Anonymous — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 01:53:23 -0000

I would like to know the name of the newest one just to make sure I am up to date on all meds available

'Mother angry at being in assisted living' posted by Sherryaw @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Sherryaw — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 18:24:51 -0000

From all that I have researched, seminars attended, and doctor visits it seems to be the same - the only absolute way to confirm the diagnosis is with an autopsy. The MRI shows the atrophy of the brain and the holes, the MMSE functioning - but all testing gives them the clues as to what it is, only an autopsy can confirm it. The other dementias (and there are many - my mother has vascular dementia) have basically the same progress, and same ending. They use the same meds for it too. There is only one new one that is really for Alz. It just doesn't seem to benefit other dementia patients (or victims of dementia).

'Mother angry at being in assisted living' posted by Anonymous @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Anonymous — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 15:30:16 -0000

My understanding of Alzheimers is that the only absolute way to determine if it actually is Alzheimers is after death with an autopsy . MRi will only show if the brain has shrunk etc.

'Mother angry at being in assisted living' posted by guber @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

guber — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 04:44:03 -0000

to warn anyone with a parent with alzeheimers..........make sure the dr knows for sure. Make him show you the mri or what ever evidence he or she has to support this. A lot of elderly are diagnosed alzeheimers that are not. It's a money thing like a lot of health care. Just a warning, make sure. If they are given the perscriptions for this disease and they don't have the disease it will mess their thinking up very much. Take heed of this warning, from someone that really knows.

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