My friend Sue is now living in an assisted living home. She is the same way with her husband. She is not that way with me. We have been friends for 35 yrs. I don't think she knows me most of the time or realizes where in fit into her life. I do visit and she talks about people I do not know and most of time have never heard of. We spend alot of time looking for lost items. She always loves to be hug and it very frighten some of the time. Does your Mom remember her home or where she once lived. I know it is hard, I leave so sad. I try to remember that Sue forgets I have been there and will not remember what we have discussed, Her husband is always upset after visiting her, she is mean to him, then she tells me, she will be nicer if he would just come more often. I just keep her in my prayers and go and give her hugs.

A.

Thank you so much for responding.  I guess I get what Sue's husband gets, and yes I usually very upset by the time I leave as well.   I call mom every morning and see her once or twice a week.  We usually go someplace, shopping, lunch, etc.  Oh yes, she remember her house well.  However, she does get confused with the house in MD and the house in NC and uses the states interchangeably.  But, the theme is the same, I want to go home, I'll get my license back - don't you worry about that!!  NC took her license away based on the doctor's report and of course being declared incompetent.  I don't know about being frightened, but she keeps saying she hates it there.  On good moments she will tell me it's not so bad there, the food is good, and everyone is very nice.  Said she has never heard the staff be mean or nasty to anyone.  I think part of the problem is that one male resident took an interest in her and they did everything together.  She even spent the night in his room sometimes.  But I'm guess she got too clingy and he backed off.  He is there because of a stroke not dementia.   I just don't know how to respond to her question of going home.  Each time I tell her the truth, she gets really mad then asks again a bit later.

I have been the primary infact only caregiver for a lady friend as her family does nothing I have done it for 9 years now . finally had to place her in assissied living it was that or a nursing home. Her memory constantly gets worse and she insists she wants a man in her life tells me she is French and the French are Lovers she will soon be 80 years old. Sometimes i have the nastiness to deal with I have to be very firm with her and tell her either be pleasant or i'm leaving right now  immediately she changes I just tell I don't have to come back if you keep on being nasty since I am her only visitor except for a sister that comes 4 x a years  she stops and becomes better not perfect but much better, caregiving for a dementia patient is a very trying job and we don't get much help if any. she was also interested in a man who already had alady friend and since he stayed with that lady my friend refuses to socialize now . not much that can be done . would like to say it gets better but we all know that will never happen i just do the best I can I am 5 years younger than her so sometimes it really wears me out

I am going through this very thing right now.  My mother thinks she is going home and her sister who has not offered to help out with home care keeps "egging" her on and agreeing with her.  My sister and I have to have this final discussion with her this weekend and are afraid she will freak out.  She also says things to us that she does not say to others like complaining about the food but when she is called on it, she changes her tune. The whole thing is very upsetting and from what I hear only going to get worse.

If the sister continues to be this kind of a problem tell her flat out if you want her home then take her to live with you otherwise stay out of it.. I have found that my friend in assisted living will do or tell you anything to get her way often time teeling lies about things it is very difficult but you have to be firm and stand your ground. You might have to tell the sister to butt out .I had to that as the sister in my case refused to beleive the diagnosis of 2 Dr's finally told her she was in denial as she was afraid she was next and that if she didn't stay out of it she could start taking care of her 100% of the time  she backed  off in a hurry and now says don't know what we would do without you . You might need to file for guardianship and conservatorship also if her husband was ever in the service even 1 day during war time there is a pension available if she needs what they call care and assistance meaning assissted living because they can not manage alone need a DR to state this I have been thru all of this

My sister and I conference called the Med Tech yesterday and she was VERY surprised that mom was saying she wanted to go home.  The Med Tech said mom participates in all the acitivites goes all the places, says how much fun she had and hangs out with a particular man.  She tell us just the opposite.  The Med Tech said mom is only like that around me, and when my sister calls from England.  Read the fine print carefully about the help if a spouse was in the military.  When we looked into that, you had to spend down, and be in a certain income/savings level.

True about income level but the rep from veterans told us to prepay funeral expenses and spend down the money to about 39,999.00 so we also prepaid the rent at the assissted living facility and at that point if still not low enough they offered financial planning help or could see an elder attorney he can tell you how to protect the money from nursing homes etc . I went to a seminar put on by vets and they helped me spend down the money I prepaid rent  cable telephone everything I could think of and it went thru she gets 1056.00 per month all of the charges at the assissited living are cinsidered medical expense even by Internal Revenue for tax write off .

From the little that I understand about elders with dementia and the declaration of "I want to go home", is that the declaration is more about wanting things to be right again in their minds  and lives rather than actually wanting to go back to one of their physical homes.  It's  about wanting to go back to the way things were when their minds worked well, they were in their own homes,  and basically in control of their lives.  More psychological than physical.  Just holding your mom's hand, aknowledging her confusion and pain, and generally assuring her that she is o.k. could work wonders for her and you.  It may help to ease the verbal attacks towards you as well.

Does anyone know the difference in symptoms, progression, life span, etc between Alzheimers and vascular dementia?

 My mother's negative qualities got worse with her dementia. She is now in an Assisted Living place that provides everything she needs, yet she's still unhappy. Her criticizing, demanding, arguing and obsessing made me a wreck after every visit and phone call. The only way I could make the situation tolerable was to cut back on the visits and phone calls. Of course, I felt guilty about it, but  the visits were harming my physical and mental health, plus she forgets if and when I visited anyway. I visit her once a week and call once a week and that seems to have helped. Now I'm less stressed when I do speak to her and the visits less antagonistic for both of us.

Anger? Tell me about it.  Every time I even think about maybe moving my mom in with my family, I th ink about the times when she gets "angry" or beligerent and I change my mind back.  My biggest fear right now is that the Assisted Living is costing $5K per month and she will run out of money soon and then what do I do?  I'm not sure Medicaid will pay for that much and then I'll have to move her and go through all of this again.

Unfortuantely I think you are right about having to move her after the money runs out.  You would have to find an "approved" or "accepted" facility that will take Medicaid.  And, it probably won't be the nicest place.

Reply to Irishwitch

moving anyone in with you that has anykind of dementia or Altzheimers is a mistake I have been dealing with altzheimer for 9 years now and if I had mover her in with me I would either be dead or on the funny farm someplace its more than anyone can handle as then you get no releif at all . Assissied living in mich where my friend is cost 2300.00 a month that covers rent apt cleaning laundry and meals the I pay 150.00 per month for them to administer her meds she is still able to dress herself and shower and to walk to where ever she needs to be in the building if more services are needed then you pay more I have a hairdresser that goes there  once a week to wash and fix her hair the fixing only lasts a day but at least I know her hair is clean . at first I had her in an apartment real close to me but got so run down from trying to do it all I had no choice but to move her to assissted living I am 74 years old and had to realize I wasn't super woman. Her family does nothing I am only a friend that cares about her .

I am a cna at an assisted living and I don't blame her. The help is shallow and the care is very slack. If my mom was still alive I would care for her until she got really to the point that she couldn't go to the bathroom or even get up and even then I would never put someone I love there. I am sorry to say this and I work in a up scale place. Sorry you are going thru this but I would definitely listen to her and follow your heart.

Perhaps a doctor can prescribe an antipsychotic drug that will even out your elder's rages.  It worked for my aunt, who has dementia and was alternately nasty or crying. The other thing I would suggest is to realize that elders often are nastiest to those who react to it, that is, those who care about them the most.  It's hard to not react when you're being assaulted verbally but every effort you make to let things like this slide off you is worth it.

My sister and I recently moved our parents (dad is 91 and mother is 83) into a very nice assisted living apartment.  My dad had congestive heart failure in January and was in the hospital and rehab for a month. Upon his discharge, his doctor told us that dad has moderate Alzheimer's and that he should live in assisted environment. We also found out that our mother also has mild Alzheimer's. We decided that it would be best for both of them to live in an assisted apartment together for as long as they could.  They have been married for 63 years and can't bear to be apart.  The problem is that our mother does not want to live at the assisted facility.  She does not believe that there is anything wrong with her or our dad.  She thinks that she is living in a hotel. She says that they treat her nice and the meals are good, but it is not her home.  She becomes very, very angry when we tell her that they cannot go back to their home (it is 150-250 miles from my sister and me) as it is an unsafe environment, and that they would have no way to get around as neither of them can drive anymore.  She doesn't believe what we tell her and she says that if we want to kill her, then we will by making her stay at the apartment and by not letting her go home.  Dad doesn't mind living there. We have tried everyway in the world to get mom to be reasonable and understand the situation.  It has become very stressful on my sister and me.

Were you able to  furnish the new place with things from their home this often helps especially if the things are some favorites. I am guardian of a lady with alzheimers and sometimes it is a thankless job but what you have done is necessary. Would it help to have her Dr tell her that they can't live alone any longer. You probably will have to stand firm on this it is so dangerous for them to try to live alone they end up malnutritioned , don't see Dr's as needed and can set the home on fire by accident . Better that hey stay in assissied living than die in a fire. It is so hard to make parents live where they don't want to be maybe a counselor or Dr could talk to them. If mom thinks it is a hotel tell her to treat it as a vacation or anything that will convince her to stay there. If necessary tell her you aren't well enough to travel so far to see them. I have been at this for 10 years now I wish you luck

assisted living workers (most of them) will tell you anything to keep her there. Remember this , they are getting a lot of money for keeping her. I would suggest that you get a sitter for her and let her go home for the few years she has left. You will be surprised when she passes what peace you will feel. I work in one, I know. The residents at my facility tell me all the time that i am the only one that really cares, and it is true. Sad, I am not bosting by no means, but i love them like my own family and i hate seeing and hearing lies that the other workers say. It's always something like this.........they are just doing this to get attention. They are fine until you come in to work.(no kin to me even) They fail to report falls, sickness and etc. because of one thing , there is never enough help. The companies want to hog the money and hire cna's for 7 and 8 dollars an hour and hire 2 between 50 residents and they can get away with it because of them being an assisted living and there are not many regulations in these places. There may be some good ones, but not the upperclass ones i have worked at. The smaller run down facilities treat them far better. You will have to follow your OWN heart on this one and not let other ppls opinons sway your decision. God be with you and your dear mom.

I wish I had an answer for you - but I am going through the very same thing. .... every morning when I call her and everytime that I see her.  It just never changes.  Then throw in the comments of "I'll just step in front of a car and end it all!!!"

I'm sorry about that "car" comment at least my mother hasn't gone that far!  I tried spending a goodly deal of time with her over the weekend but that just made me reconsider taking her home at all.  She is way to grouchy and mean and loses it too quickly. I know she cannot help it but it affects the kids (7 and 2) and even my teens.  So I guess she will be staying there where she is "forced" to be nice to people who won't put up with the nastiness.

Again, I understand.  I brought mom back to my townhouse last Sat for about 6 hrs.  We colored her hair, had lunch and hung out.  She took a walk outside, but then couldn't find her was back to my house.  Granted, she doesn't actually live there and townhouses do look alike but it was still sad to see her wandering around trying to figure it out.  As the day wore on the "sundowner" part kicked in.  I know mom is where she needs to be, she cannot live alone.  During the good times she will tell me that the food is good there, and everybody (staff and residents) are all very nice - no yelling, or nastiness.  I saw someone's response about having a sitter - at $17.00 per hour, 24/7, that is $12,648 per month!!!!!  It is a great thought - but just not workable.

We did bring some of their furniture and personal belongings from their home to the apartment.  We hung pictures on the wall, and even brought all of their picture albums, so that it would feel more like home.  When we finished decorating the apartment, it looked very much like their home.  We have asked their family doctor (the one that they had when they lived at their home) to write a letter to them stating that assisted living is best for them.  As of yet, the doctor hasn't sent the letter to our parents. I hope that when she gets the letter that it will help her to see that assisted living is the best choice.  I doubt it, but right now we are willing to give anything a try.  If she would give her self a chance I know that she would enjoy living in the assisted facility.  There is always activites going on that they could participate in.  I know that mom doesn't want to join in because that would be admitting that she is not going back home.  She continues to tell us that we have ruined their lives. My sister only lives about 30 minutes away from them now and sees them several times a week.  She gets them out at least twice a week for shopping or lunches.  Of course, mom says that my sister rarely comes to see her.  I don't think that she can remember from one day to the next if my sister has visited.  I know that since mom is in the first stage of Alzheimer's, she will probably never give in to the idea that she can't go home.  Dad is probably between middle and last stage.  He is having a hard time remembering how to do things that use to come natural to him.  He never complains about anything.  It will be hard when he gets to the point that he doesn't remember my sister and I.  Does anyone have any idea how many years each of the stages last?  Also will the anger the our mom shows continue in all stages.  It is just so hard to see our parents who have always been so healthy, active and independant all their lives go through the stages of this disease.  It is such a heartbreaker!

I don't know what state you live in, I am in NC and private sitters here don't make that kind of money. Yea , if u go thru an agency you would pay that. I am talking about placing an ad or reading these wonderful ads of good people that are willing to do this between 7 and 9 dollars per hour and thur the nite , nothing. As long as this person gets two days off a week and perhaps every other weekend they are very happy and treat the elderly very special. I am a cna in an assisted living , as I stated. I only make 9 per hr. I make the top pay there. Most are 8 and 7 an hour. I work myself to death every nite, I have 22 residents to take care of. That means laundry, including sheets towels, dining rm. linens and napkins, and resident clothes. I am responsible for helping half of them toilet and washed. I have generally 5 to 6 showers a day. We rotate days and they all get 3 good showers a week. Bed changes are done once a week unless it is wet, which it usually is. Unless a person goes into a facility and at least does some volunteer work a few days you won't begin to know what it is like. But I can only suggest and be honest. I really am an advocate for the elderly and children. They get abused a lot and won't tell it.

Mom did live in NC and the In Home Instead was $17 per hr, 3 hr min.  The problem we were told by others about having someone else come in was that they can be very undependable.  If they get sick, or the child, or car trouble, etc they can't come that day or even late.  I live in GA and my sister lives in England, so there wouldn't be any way for either of us to help out in case of an emergency.  Mom has been in assisted living here in GA since last Aug - still hates it so she tells me and my sister; however the staff tells us otherwise.  She had a male "friend" there but they don't hang out together anymore and that has really made her miserable.  I show up variuos times on various days and everyone seems happy and clean.  I just so wish she would just accept being there and make friends and just make the most out of a situation she doesn't really like.