My heart just about disintegrated this past Saturday.  The feeling of sorrow, and helplessness so overwhelming that to shatter into tiny pieces seemed like a near salvation.  I'm trying my best to be strong for both my husband and mother-in-law who are trying desperately to grasp and understand what is happening to their Father/Husband.  He has Alzheimer's and Parkinsons.  My mother-in-law is the sole caregiver of him.  Although he is not in the advanced stages of the disease, its just as consuming had it been.

My husband has lost his father in every sense of the word.  His once strong, kind, intelligent, loving father, so full of life and love for life has dissipated into a lost little boy.  Just over the slight passage of time, he shrank into himself and left behind only those brilliant memories of who he once was.

My mother-in-law lost her husband.  Her lifemate, soul mate and best friend.  He was once the great shield of the family, with his Scottish brogue that whispered of life and laughter and pride for his sons, his family.  Beloved by all who met him, imprinting such a impression one could never erase and would always remember.  She lost the man who cherished and loved so strongly, tears shed was testiment of his fierce emotions.  He was never afraid to show his emotions, however modest he would be.

Just a shell of a man remains.  Brought to life even now and then with memories of his life in his homeland, Scotland.  Memories of those choice people who made a impact on his life so much that their memory remains strong in his weakend mind.  Lost.  But there deep in the dark.

When my husband broke down in my arms this past Saturday.  My heart shattered.  My dispair at not having that band-aid that healed all wounds, of not having the answers or cure.  I had only what I am always armed with.  My arms to wrap him in, my whispers to calm and soothe his worried mind and my unconditional and unrelenting love to blanket him. 

I know I'm not the only one out there.  I know other people must be in this same black hole.  I just don't know how I'm suppose to anchor it all and not float to oblivion.  How do I get both son and mother to seek outside help?  They need counselling, someone who can lead them to acceptance and arm them with the defenses, they need to keep depression from eating them, literally consuming them.