I just saw this. This is my first time here but I wanted to respond to you.  I'm sorry the burden is falling on you.  Sometimes family members don't want to face the inevitable - it's just too hard so out of sight out of mind.

Do your best during this time. Take as good of care of yourself as you possibly can but keep helping and loving them. My Mother died a year ago. She had been in a nursing home for 4 years. If I had it to do over again, I never would've put her in any nursing home. There are ways to get "free help" from nurses who check in on or help out with the older person. I didn't know about this until my closest friends mother went through the same thing a few months ago before she passed away. Her sister works for Hospice and knew about a lot of free help.

Give the best care you can because you will think about this time over and over again down the road.

Again, I'm so sorry you feel alone in this but know that I'm thinking about you and pulling for you.

My first time here, too.  I really sympathize with your situation.  I've been taking care of my mother for the past four years.

The previous post was right about taking care of yourself.  I haven't done a very good job of that and, as a result, I think my mother is in better physical health than I.  The first thing you need to recognize is that YOU ARE TIRED!  Taking care of a parent and your own family plus having a full-time job are EXHAUSTING--almost more mentally than physically.  When you are tired, all of those responsibilities are harder to carry out; you can't think clearly.  You have to carve out some time for yourself. 

Tap into some of the free or low-cost resources in your area.  Could someone take your shift three days a week?  Could your father go to an Elder Daycare facility a couple of times a week?  Both you and your mother need a break.  Could you "hire" your adult child one day a week to assist your father?  I'm sorry your child and your sibling are no help.  My brother stayed with my mother for two years before I took over.  I have another sibling who hasn't lifted a finger  Personally, I'm glad she isn't here because she's useless, but I know that she will regret her inaction after my mother is gone.  My brother and I will, at a minimum, know we did the right thing.  AND we'll have lots of memories of these last years of her life.  My sister will have to live with the consequences.

I know your situation is difficult, even more so because of your father's condition.  Alzheimer's, Dementia--the name doesn't matter.  They're both nasty diseases that take away the person you love and leave a familar physical shell.  Dealing with an Alzheimer's patient takes so much patience and energy!  But, in the end, you have to live with yourself.  You know you're doing the right thing, and it reflects that your parents raised you with a loving heart and the right values.

But I do urge you to find a way to share the load a little more, even if you have to use outside resources.  I know from experience that it's hard to be the person you want to be in this situation when you are absolutely spent.  I know it's a small consolation, but you aren't alone out there in the wilderness.  Hang in there.

Hi Anonymous,

I read your post and it really struck close to home. I cared for my mom for two years - COPD and emphysema. I, like you, didn't receive much help from my siblings. About six months after my mom's diagnosis, I realized that my siblings would not be available to provide support or comfort to my mom, nor would they be available to assist in the daily maintenance required by her diseases.

The hardest part for me was having to accept that that's how it was going to be. So, I had a talk with myself and came to the following terms:

- My brothers are not bad people.

- What comes naturally for me, doesn't come naturally for them.

My younger brother said something amazing to me about six months after my mom passed away. He said, "You never asked, so I thought you didn't need help." And he was right. I didn't ask. I didn't discuss how I was feeling (stressed, overwhelmed, exhausted, and mad at them).

So, now, if I find myself in that situation when my dad's time comes, here's what I will do differently:

- Ask for help more often and be satisfied with the things they do accomplish (even if it's "not how I would have done it").

- If I'm going to be the point person on my dad's care, I intend to assign duties and responsibilities.

- Realize I can't do it all by myself. Dutchkos is right - you have to take care of the caregiver (and that's you!). A well-meaning coworker once said to me that my taking care of my mother was like taking care of a baby. Not!! A baby learns, grows, and eventually becomes able to do things for itself. Caring for a parent offers no such hope; eventually, the parent becomes more and more dependent. You know what saved me in the end? Hospice care. And this was definitely a struggle for me to accept - I was my mother's daughter and I felt it was my responsibility to take care of all her needs. Hospice allowed me to be the daughter rather than the caregiver - and that changed everything for me.

It's easy to sit here and give advice without really knowing your family dynamic, but you have a right to ask for and expect help. Start asking. If no one responds, seek outside help and then ask your sibling/child/spouse to contribute financially toward the cost of that outside help. Also, check with your employer - maybe they have an Employee Assistance Program that can offer resources. I also found the AARP website to be helpful (www.aarp.org [aarp.org]). If you belong to a church, they may also be able to offer support.

I'm sending you good thoughts and support, Anonymous, and I'm thankful that your dad has such an awesome daughter.

I'm new here, too.

The others are right - you need a break.  Unfortunately, that's often easier said than done.  Is there any way the paid caregiver could work the full 8 hours a day or two a week?  Perhaps even a day your mom has off from work, so the two of you could go do something together?

I really have no advice for you - just a sympathetic ear.

My brother has been taking care of my father and mother in their home for 7 years. My father is now bedridden with alzheimer's and my mother has been bedridden for other reasons for seven years.  I live in Texas and my parents and brother are in NY.  How do i deal with a brother who finds fault in  everything i ask, how I ask it, what words i use , he criticizes and yells in threatening tones. I know he is overwhelmed but in thelast two months he gotten married, but still lives in my parents house to care for them. recently i asked about my mother's health, his response was , "i wasn't precise enough , when i asked how is mom"  how do i maintain my own self respect, and give him leeway and not cry after everytime he yells at me. We never came to an adult respectiveful relationship before he started caring for my parents. He has healtth care workers to help him 24 hr or at least a few hours each day