'I'm new at this, please help...' posted by gibster @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

gibster — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 06:16:00 -0000

Miss Chuck,

Please forgive me. When I wrote to you, I forgot that your husband and son are also disabled. To me that makes it even clearer that it has to be a good, healthy environment for everyone to be okay. The situation is very difficult. But with you being the backbone of the family-- no offense at all -- you must take care of yourself too. And that is virtually impossible with the pressure you are under.

I'm sending you a hug and prayer.

'I'm new at this, please help...' posted by gibster @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

gibster — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 04:20:01 -0000

Miss Chuck,

My heart goes out to you. What you must be feeling and how very tired you must be. You are in a real predicament. You need help from lots of people and some support for just how y-o-u feel about all that is demanded of you.

When I was caring for a dear friend who had COPD (not my mother or relative), I ended up in a situation that evolved into a semi-abusive prison for me. I made lots of mistakes but had no one to help me.

Talking on an emotional level, love wasn't the problem. There was lots of that but an abundance of love isn't enough. At that time, I couldn't handle the other feelings either: guilt, resentment, anger, hurt and sadness.

Looking at the situation with no judgments of myself at all, I had to see how very unmanageable my life became. I had to quit university and lost all that money from my courses because it was a last minute thing. I got so I asked myself "Can you keep doing this?" And by not making decisions to gain some control, "Am I punishing myself for anything?"

With that in mind, I think you, your husband and kids should try to find time to talk, perhaps when she is asleep. Encourage everyone to talk about their feelings freely. Then you and your husband should assess what it's doing to all of you.

Through my experience (and this part comes from the long care of my recently-deceased brother), I found that I had to be very clear, repeat how much I loved him but reiterate that that would not get him an apartment on his own. (For explanation, this is when he was way beyond living on his own and staying alive until morning, but still insisted on his independence.). In your situation, I think you may have to let go and not fault yourself for being a human being with a 'breaking point'. Without more help from your kids and husband, perhaps there is a nice home close enough for any of you to pop over and thereby diminishing the feeling of being abandoned . . . which is clearly not what you plan.

These are just thoughts. Take what means something and leave the rest. Please be kind to yourself. You shouldn't have to carry the burden of it all on your shoulders. I am sending a hug to you and will think of you. Please write in here again. There are incredibly nice women here, all of us going through similar issues.

'I'm new at this, please help...' posted by mischuck080808 @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

mischuck080808 — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 01:40:22 -0000

I started caring for my grandma 7 months ago, she moved in with us due to a broken ankle. She has since been diagnosed with dementia. & months ago she lived alone and took care of herself and business 100%, now she cannot be left alone for 5 minutes. This has all happend so fast. She is a very nervous/anxious person. To the extent she won't even let us leave the room much less the house. My husband and 13 yr old son are also disabled, but able to care for themselves. I also have a 15 yr old daughter. I am the only one able to work so I must do this as much as I can just to make ends meet. Grandma will not do ANYTHING for herself, she wants us to do everything. She has quit saying please and just orders us around. I took her to adult daycare twice but she wouldn't participate, so they couldn't help. Recently we have hired a sitter to come in for 4 hours, 2 days a week to do activities with her and let my husband have a break or go to the dr. When I am home from work grandma keeps me going NON stop.... I do all her personal care and cleaning. She is a VERY picky eater so each meal is a big deal. When I do finally sit down she just stares at me like I am doing something wrong. My kids now stay in their rooms all the time because grandma just runs them ragged if they are out here, my husband and I are always arguing and exausted therefore our marrage is hanging by a thin freyed string. I am so torn as to where to go from here. My grandma has always been there for me no matter what, and I have always promised her I would not put her in a nursing home but I really think this is tearing my family apart. I have tried the "tough love" thing with her but it doesn't help then she just cries and tells my mom I can't hadle her. Oh I forgot to mention grandma is terrified of leaving the house for any reason so we can not all ever go to dinner or any family activities without being on a short time limit. Does anyone else have any of these issues that can guide me in a new direction.

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