Miss Chuck,
My heart goes out to you. What you must be feeling and how very tired you must be. You are in a real predicament. You need help from lots of people and some support for just how y-o-u feel about all that is demanded of you.
When I was caring for a dear friend who had COPD (not my mother or relative), I ended up in a situation that evolved into a semi-abusive prison for me. I made lots of mistakes but had no one to help me.
Talking on an emotional level, love wasn't the problem. There was lots of that but an abundance of love isn't enough. At that time, I couldn't handle the other feelings either: guilt, resentment, anger, hurt and sadness.
Looking at the situation with no judgments of myself at all, I had to see how very unmanageable my life became. I had to quit university and lost all that money from my courses because it was a last minute thing. I got so I asked myself "Can you keep doing this?" And by not making decisions to gain some control, "Am I punishing myself for anything?"
With that in mind, I think you, your husband and kids should try to find time to talk, perhaps when she is asleep. Encourage everyone to talk about their feelings freely. Then you and your husband should assess what it's doing to all of you.
Through my experience (and this part comes from the long care of my recently-deceased brother), I found that I had to be very clear, repeat how much I loved him but reiterate that that would not get him an apartment on his own. (For explanation, this is when he was way beyond living on his own and staying alive until morning, but still insisted on his independence.). In your situation, I think you may have to let go and not fault yourself for being a human being with a 'breaking point'. Without more help from your kids and husband, perhaps there is a nice home close enough for any of you to pop over and thereby diminishing the feeling of being abandoned . . . which is clearly not what you plan.
These are just thoughts. Take what means something and leave the rest.
Please be kind to yourself. You shouldn't have to carry the burden of it all on your shoulders. I am sending a hug to you and will think of you. Please write in here again. There are incredibly nice women here, all of us going through similar issues.
