Having a problem to get my mother to shower

You might try giving her a bath at bed time and save the hair washing until morning when you can "play" beauty parlor.  You might suggest to her that a bath at bedtime will help her have happy dreams.

Hi ntf,

Do you happen to have a shower chair and a hand held shower head?

I found that the easiest way to shower my grandma.

You might try purchasing some special liquid soaps and shampoos and making a really big deal out of them, telling her how good they smell and how soft they make you skin feel.

Really play it up to make her feel like it will be very special! If she is safe being left alone for a few minutes in the shower you could even throw the towel in the dryer for a few minutes to make it really warm and cozy so it will feel really good when you take her out.

Also maybe buying some nice new PJ's could help convince her to get cleaned up.

I Hope I have helped in some small way. Good luck!

Cindy

Hi ntf, I am new to this forum but your question caught my attention.   Maybe you have said before how advanced your mother's dementia has become, but as it progresses some really oddball issues come up that really do make sense but just don't come to mind for most.  

Cindy and Claudia have good tips,  timing, safety, making it a 'spa'  treatment, but both take it for granted that you assist your mother with her bath rather than are just asking her, (begging her) to please shower.   Does she take care of herself in the bathroom?

First, daily showers are not usually necessary and can dry out their delicate skin even with lotions.   Daily (and more if she is incontinent) cleanup of her personal areas is another matter, because of odors, irritations and infections.  

What you need to consider is why she resists, and to what degree (does she get frantic or just brush you off).... Does she say she's too tired, afraid of falling,  cold or embarressed, or do you ask her to and she forgets you asked (or forgets she hasn't yet.), 

They may not recognise the reflection in the mirror and be nervous about getting naked (hang a towel over the mirror at shower time).   Pre warm some towels for her in the dryer and wrap them in a light blanket to keep them warm so she doesn't get that sudden chill of a wet person coming out from under the warm water.     Definetely use a bath seat for her if you aren't already and put a hand towel on it for her to sit on, I doubt anyone likes the feel of plastic on a bare bottom.  Install a grab bar (safety bar, whatever you call it) if it hasn't been done.     

If you haven't been assisting her, it may be time to start.  Pick a time that doesn't interfere with her meals, naps, and favorite TV (and hopefully yours).   If she likes "Gunsmoke" tell her it is time to get ready for her date with Matt Dillon,  My mother's date is with Andy Griffith, get the idea.   Have everything ready and tell her it is time to clean up and with as little fuss as possible escort her to the shower and begin.  It may help to give her a choice (no, don't ever ask when she wants her shower ,  ask only questions with A or B answers)  Would she like to put on her pink PJs or the Blue ones when she gets out?   Does she want the Jasmine or the Lavender lotion?   Choose a question with an answer that makes the shower a done deal .  

It takes practice and a little planning to pull this off, so if at first you don't succeed, try again.   It may help to practice on less stressful issues before trying it with the shower to get your technique down and build your confidence.

Good luck

I want to thank all that has given me advice. At this point any and everything will help.

Thanks NTF

In the book  The 36 Hour Day , they will assure you that no one has died from not taking a bath.

My father got very sick with three primary cancers in the early 90s, so I ended moving back in to help my 80 yr old parents.  After he died in '94, I stayed on to help out my 81 yr old mother.  She was always independent, but I would stay in the house when she bathed in case she had a problem.  About 4 yrs ago when she was 91, I heard her crying in the shower.  I went in and found out that she did not know how to turn the water off. 

So at first I would stay in the bathroom to assist, but eventually I took over bathing her, washing her mouth and false teeth as well.  I only bathe her every 4-5 days and wash her face and private areas every morning and night.  She wears Depends with a Poise pad 24/7, so I change them at least twice a day.

Some caregivers do not assist and have written on other forums that AD person is in the bathroom and doesn't do anything, but insist that they have bathed.  The AD person can be confused and not know what or how they are to bathe.

In regard to the bathing what do you think--

My Mom says that she cannot get her back wet,  She says she cannot get her feet wet.  She used to get her hair colored and permed.  Now she says if she gets her hair wet something will start growing on her back.  I do NOT believe I will be able to convince her to do any sort of shower or anything myself. 

When I was growing up we lived sort of poor at times and did not always have good access to showers, running water, etc.  She grew up the same.  However, even when she did have it she was never a frequent bather.  Mostly in later years it slid. 

But, she also wears depends and had gilleon buret.  Since she had to wear these pads she is very resentful about the results of the illness well understandable.  That I think is part of it. 

The main question is how will health care people be able to do anything different?

At this time she will not let anyone else in the house and I will probably have to force the issue.

Hi, this is my first post. After a few months of testing and ruling out, my mom's  neurologist told me yesterday he is diagnosing Alzheimer's. It is devastating. I am responding to this string because I was also on the phone with a care manager who specializes in elder aging concerns, and she indicated many of her Alzheimer's clients develop a phobia of water. My mom has already decreased the amount of showers she takes. It has puzzled my dad and I, but reading these posts and learning about this phobia issue at least gives some clue. I'm not sure why getting wet is so concering to so many Alzheimer's patients, but it seems to be very common.

TAKA,

Why did the alzheimer's diagnosis take a few MONTHS?  I do not have a diagnosis but it

does not take a rocket scientist with her symptoms.  I realize it may be a form of dementia

other than A or even mental illness from strokes.  Why did it take that long to do the tests?

My Mom still refuses to go to doc and it is going to be unpleasant but I have never heard

of that time frame although I am learning everyday.  Thanks

snow, because the different causes of dementia have different treatment option and outcomes, it is important to have many tests done rather than to guess AD and start treatment without ruling out other possibilities.   If, the cause is TIAs (mini strokes) and you start them on an AD drug rather than anti stroke meds,  you are wasting your money on a med that may have side effects   and asking for a major stroke that can kill or leave the patient helpless.  Also not undergoing therapy to over come any damage from the TIAs. 

Since there is no sure fire test for AD, ruling out other causes, is the only way to conclude it and it does take a long time to  do a thorough job.   Not usually 'months', but some doctors won't  make a final diagnosis until they can see how the patient responds to the medicine.  If they react badly to Aricept, for instance, instead of AD it might be Lewy Body Disease and call for a different protocol. 

A truely cautious geriatric doctor really might take months to say.

Hi, Snow and Daughter Ann, in addition to the helpful info Daughter Ann posted, I have also been dealing with a painfully slow and unresponsive health care provider - Kaiser in No. California. Believe me, I've been running up against brick walls since about October trying to get help for my mom. It was around Thanksgiving that the obvious, AD-like crisis occured, and that spurred a referral to a neurologist. She's had blood tests, CT scan, tried anti-depressants to make sure that wasn't it. Everything else has been ruled out, except a urinary tract infection. I was surprised to learn that in older people UTIs can present differently, the person may not know they have it, and over time it can alter the brain chemistry and cause memory problems.

Now I'm fighting with Kaiser to do that simple test. I've talked to my parents about possibly moving closer to me (which happens to be out of Kaiser's service area), but naturally they are resistant. Everywhere I turn there are more questions than answers, and more challenges than wins, but I'm not giving up.

The sad thing is my parents don't even know the neurologist is going to make this diagnosis. I found out because I called to pester him again. My mom has still been waiting for a neuro-psychology exam to gauge the degree of impairment, and I told him we weren't going to diagnose AD until after that appointment. I was finally able to get that moved up to 3/4. I'm realistic, but hoping by some miracle the Neuro-psychologist finds something that may suggest a different condition than AD.Thanks for your replies. Just to know others are out there struggling with this horrible disease helps.

hi all! my grandma has dementia and refuses to take a bath we always have to trick her into getting into the shower and when we do shes always yelling that we want to kill her. Do we need to worry about other health issues by her being angry and furious with us? Does anyone have any other tips for getting her to take a shower? thank you for all that you do

I am a caregiver, not a nurse. With that said, I have 4 ladies I care for. Mostly I go once a week for bath time. Not one of them like it. With Mrs. V, I don't ask. I start the shower_ (showers are easy compared to bath for safety reasons I wouldn't give a tub bath) then I go where she is and say come on Mrs. B lets get prettied up for our lovely day. I lead she follows no mention of a bath from me. We enter the bathroom. She sees the toilet and goes. When she is finished we talk about flowers or whatever-anything but the shower. I help her undress shirt first. She sees something on the sink- we talk about it- then the pants. She sees a new spot on her face. I look at it - like a monkey I look in her hair whatever just going through conversation. Then I put on her shower cap. Then underwear and bra off. We are at the shower The door is open I ask her to check the water( it's never right) She goes in I leave the door open and stand there until she is washed- sometimes she wants me to wash her back. Sometimes she says I just had a shower and I respond well you know how people are always complaining ,we can just take another one to keep the peace. Sometimes we just talk about stuff while we go through the motions of the washing. Afterwards I help her dry off letting her do what she can. I always put a towel over her shoulders draped to the breast to give some privacy. Then I ask her about her skin. She shows me spots that bother her and I put lotion there and make a fuss about her Irish skin. She dresses with help and it's done. Trick is don't discuss it, don't suggest it, and just move through the motions not quickly just steady. hope this helps. It does for me. I have from mild to full range clients. This works for all of them.Usually takes 2 hours from undressed to dressed.

Thanks, Ann, for your tips.....I have the same problems with my husband, the way to get him to shower is to get the bathroom warm and steamy, and I tell him it's his turn to shower. It works, where before if I asked him to shower, it was an argument. He was diagnosed 5 years ago, and no one knows what it's like for them OR the caretaker. Thanks again!

Thanks all for all your input in this situation! its hard to deal with but for the health of my grandma it needs to be done. have a great day all!!!

The original post is old, but here's my comments. My 89 yr old mother has Alzheimer's and I can manage to get her in the shower once a week. She gets hot, sweaty, smelly and greasy hair.She itches and picks. Yes, she needs a shower more often...but how important is it. I have learned over the years to be prepared for what did work to not work the next time. Taking a shower is very complicated. There is the whole getting undressed which mental takes a lot of thought and for some people is an issues of letting you see them naked. Then add to that the shower - turning on the water, adjusting the temp, handling the soap. For someone with limited mental ability, this becomes a fearful process. My mom is very afraid and that comes out as anger towards me.

I break it down into steps. I ask her first to help me get her clothes ready for laundry and once in her room ask her to change her clothes. While she has her clothes off, I ask her if we could get a shower so we can go out, which she loves to do. I go into the bathroom and prepare everthing getting the water running and testing the temp. I put everything there, towel, washcloth, open the shampoo bottle and kind of let her try to manage on her own but stay close. If she starts to get frustrated with adjusting the water, I reach in and help. I find that if I treat her up front as if she can't do anything, she gets mad, but if I do as much as I can without her noticing, she then goes about getting into the shower.

Yes sometimes it's an argument. She will shampoo her hair and shut the water off without even cleaning. That is always difficult to get her to finish. I have found some times I have to be willing to really step up the arguing and then I do act like she is a child and tell her flat out she has no choice. She gets so mad that in her fit of irritation she will finish the shower. I stay where I can see her in the mirror at all times, making sure she doesn't fall or hurt herself.

In the end, if she won't clean, I just keep at it a different way on a different day and time. It changes constantly. Sooner or later, she gets clean. Pick your battles. There is a point where not being clean affects the health.

Hope you are doing better and have found a way to help your mom.

Thank you for your advice...I try to do the same thing and sometimes it works and other times...no dice. It is a challenge every day for us as well as them, they just don't realize we only want to take care of them.

How about sponge baths or waterless soaps and shampoos

I have tried sponge bath and also the waterless soap on my mom and find it doesn't work. This probably will work when she is less able to get around but for now she's physically able to get into a walk in shower. But for my friend her mom loved the attention and special treatment of waterless soaps and shampoos. Her mom was physically very ill but mentally ok, unlike my mom who has dementia.

I keep some supply of the waterless products onhand all the time (bought it online from the same place I buy the incontinence pads) and have used it when mom had the flu. Good idea to have it on hand even if it's only an alternative now and then. Good suggestion.

well I am a guy and I dont know what to do. I had a big fight with my mom tonight to try to get her to change her underwear and housecoat. She wont even wash herself and lets say she is starting to get a little sloppy with her toiletry skills....to put it mildly. I need some advice. I think my next step is to hire someone to come in once a week and take care of that.

Paul -if you have the financial means to hire someone to help, especially with bathing, it may be easier on both you and your mom. I can imagine the issues of being a son and bathing your mom can add to the stress that even an experienced caregiver has over bathing. My mom has Alzheimer's and of everything I do for her (10 years now) getting through changing clothes and a bath cause the most problems. I don't give my mom choices. I wait until she's walking to the bedroom to get ready for bed and grab a new pair of underpants. I stand there while she undresses and repeat over and over during each step telling her to remove her underpants and put on the clean ones. She gets mad and says they are clean and even looks at the dirty ones and doesn't believe me. Once we got this routine (my routine) down, it got less and less of an argument. I wait until she is asleep and go back into her closet and take all the dirty clothes to the washer (if I don't remove them from sight she will take them out of the dirty clothes hamper and put them right back on. I put out the new set of clean clothes. When she dresses in the morning, she doesn't remember what she had on yesterday and is fine.

I don't know what is wrong with your mom, but it may also help you to so some research on why she is doing this and what else may need to be addressed for her care. There are a lot of articles about bathing and such online. None seem to address the son/mother issue but do address the difficulties. I think this site has some really good articles on bathing also.

Bathing is always a mess for me. Recently it was 3 weeks of me telling her bath time now and her stubbornly refusing. What can you do. Eventually into the 3rd week she agreed.

So if you have the financial means to hire someone for bathing and such, it might help you and your mom. My mom will refuse to do what I ask but let a stranger ask her and she's quick to please. That said when my dad was alive and I was caring for him, he wouldn't even let the visiting aid give him a bath, least wise me.

Good luck.

Linda: Thank you so much for your help. I am glad to find out that I am not the only one. I am going to try another way to leave a basinfullof water and towels on the floor so she can maybejust clean herself. One of the things that concerns me is that if I had to take her to the hospital in this state, they would surely think she has not been taken care of properly try to tell her that the body must be clean...I face another day Yes it is time for a woman to come in and help me at least once a week.

Paul.

My mom has been suffering from Alzheimer's since 2008. it was really devastating coz mom acted like a child-- literally like a 3-year-old. Though she can still distinguish people, she can hardly remember the names of us her children.

Me and my younger brother are taking care of our mom. She does not want to take a bath and she sometimes play with her pee. What we did was wash her while she was sleeping, or asked her to play inside the bathroom.

It's all about patience when dealing with people with Alzheimers. But, when we found out that mom paid for [a href=http://www.completelongtermcare.com]long term care insurance[/url], we entered her to a nursing care, and visit her every week.

Helping hands- That really good advise. My mother inlaw is in the mid stages and she wont shower on her own unless we trick so so to speak into it. My husband will take her out for a ride in our desert buggy and she comes bad with dirt from head to toe and has had a terrific time and jumps right in the shower but is only in there for 2 minutes I think she wets her hair and washes her face and other times she comes out squeaky clean. And if you ask her to take a shower she gets offensive and aggetated ect and swears she just took one. So we have learned through our ABC that if we just say mom the shower is open or let all get ready for?? she might go do it on her own. You really have to be creative with her and your wording and like you say Dont say the word sometimes. So here is my question? How do I convince her its time to let me help her in there? She wont even let anyone not ever her husband in there. How will I know the day that its time to start insisting I start to help her? I want to help her in there but she wont let me yet!I havent mastered these tricks yet any advice?

Dont sweat the small stuff ! Thats the hardest part and unless its a health issue its not fatal if she doesnt bathe.

Ive learned this trying to get Mom to shower. Ive learned to be really creative with this Evil Thing called Alzheimers that is trying to take my mother over like a alien .

So here are a few tricks that have helped me in the bathing group.I realize there are differant stages and this wont work for everyone. And ALWAYS ALWAYS treat them with respect ! And sometimes we have to laugh until we cry !

Please add any you have tried.

1. Take her out for a buggy ride until shes covered from head to toe and she wants to shower.

2. We like to have mud fights and have fun laughing.

3. We like to play in the garden and we get real dirty.

4. We have a water fight with the hose or balloons.

5. We go swimming in the pool.

6. We relax in the hot tub at night . This is my favorite so far !

7. Just say lets all get ready for the day ( never, never say Shower with my mom anyways, everyone acts differantly.

8. Just say showers open ! They might surprise you or just ignore you.

9. Just say let get ready for a night out on the town.

10. Ask her if she'd like to try the new bubble bath you bought.

11. Tell her if she takes a shower you'd be glad to roll her hair in rollers for her.

PS. Please treat others as you would want to be treated because someday it just might be YOU !