I am so glad there is a forum for us and that I was blessed enough to find it!
I am caring for my 74 year old mother who has dementia. Since I lived nearly 30 miles from her, we moved her out towards us to a nice apartment that is only 10 minutes away. She had been familiar with the town we moved her to as she lived there seasonally before. I took her to the same neighborhood places (grocery store, bank, kmart etc.) over and over again for 6 weeks every day. I took the same routes and even let her drive home from the grocery store.
The first time she drove solo she ended up lost in a terrible rain storm at night. I drove around like a crazy person, terrified. I went to the local police and filed a missing person report. I found her four hours later 25 miles from home. She was exhausted, and very confused. I took the car for awhile and shared with her how scared I was at her confusion. I offered to take her anywhere she wants to go, anytime. She became extremely defensive and I knew it wouldn't be easy. I relented. I did end up regretting it. Three weeks after this initial incident, she once again headed off and got lost. This time the local police in a town 60 miles south of where we live called me to say whe was at a local Walmart. They would not release the keys until I came to get her. I did take the car from her. I discussed this with her doctor and he has put in writing that she CANNOT drive due to her having dementia. She continues to ask every day when I am going to bring her car back. Last night she called and said she was completely fed up with being locked up and treated like a child. I do not want her to drive. She has told me that she is lonely, although I stop over nearly every day. My daughter who lives 90 minutes away from all of us comes to see her once a week. My adult son who lives directly across the driveway from her in the same apartment complex visits every couple of weeks.
I would like to have mom move in but I work full time. I will be retiring one year from now, but for now she would be alone all day at my house too. Any suggestions on the driving or housing arrangements.
Oh, Pearl, how distressing it all must be! I would agree with you and the doctor - under no circumstances should she be driving. It's too dangerous for her, and for anyone out on the road with her, if she becomes too confused and causes an accident.
Would it be possible for your son to visit her more often since he's so close, until you can get her moved in with you? I think it would give her some measure of comfort if she could count on that.
Best luck to you!
Thanks Laural,
We had a family meeting and everyone agreed to commit to set days of the week to help mom & I. Routine does work best with mom.
Astoundingly, she forgot about the car thing until the next day when she asked me when I was going to bring her car back. It is so hard not to get frustrated!
Hi Pearl - Thanks for being brave enough to stop your mom from driving when it is so unsafe. I know from experience how hard it is to do. A few additional suggestions: 1) Make sure the doctor has reported his concerns to the state department of motor vehicles, or you do so, just in case. You can also blame the doctor or the DMV for her car not being available "that's up the the doctor/DMV" etc... 2) Look into a local dial a ride program in your area to supplement family help. She could have routinely scheduled van rides to places she can handle on her own (if there are any). 3) You also could look into senior volunteer programs in the area where a senior acts as a "friendly visitor" and provides a ride somewhere or just comes to visit. Meals On Wheels can be helpful in the same way - someone to routinely look in on her. 4) If your mom or your family can afford it, I strongly urge you to hire a home care aide to work with your mom, even just one afternoon a week. It gives you a mental break to know that for those few hours you don't have to worry or stress about her safety.
Good luck with everything - your mom is very lucky to have you helping her.
i know how difficult it can be to hear the same request from your mother everyday. My mother still blames me for making her give up her car and it's been a year. But you are doing the right thing especially if she is getting lost and could potentially be a danger to others. I'd like to say it gets easier (which maybe it does somewhat) but i will probably always feel guilty for being the cause of any pain to my mother. rationally, I know you and I are doing the right thing tho! hang tough.
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