You sounded much like me before I reached overload and my mom decided to quit listening, eating, drinking, and living with our care (my sister and I). She was placed in the hospital and we soon realized she would do for others what she wouldn't do for us. There was a choice: to give up on her or try an Asssisted Living. Much to our dispair we placed her in one 3 years ago. And she has had a few problems but much less than drying up at home with us.

I am a caregiver to 2 elderly people in their home. He is in advanced stage of alzheimers, she has had 2 strokes,and cant get around without assistance. One of the things I've learned is how grateful these people are to be home and together. Their minds might not function, but they still know they love each other after 60 years of marriage.they are holding on as best they can.Sitting outside on the porch in the sunshine, watching the birds in the air,the blue sky, small things become such great pleasure to them. I dont know how long we will be able to keep them home, but we will try as long as possible.It's hard and sometimes frustrating(especially with him), my best advice is to slow down and enjoy every minute they are coherent ,take pleasure in the small things,and remember elderly people deserve respect no matter what their physical/mental facilities are like.

I lost my mom last Thursday. Please hug your parents and tell them you love them before they are gone and it's too late.

I'm SO sorry to hear about the loss of your mom, Charlene!!   Huge ((HUGS)) to you !  I will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. And I will definitely take your advice and give my parents a hug next time I see them.

Lisa

Oh Charlene!  *huge HUGE hugs to you*  I'm so sorry for your loss.  I know no matter how much you think you prepare for this, it's still really hard when it happens.  Please know we're here for you if you want to talk.

I'll be thinking about you and your family.  *hugs*

I'm so sorry, Charlene. You have been a great support to her, and please know we're here for you.

Charlene,

Sorry for your loss. It's Christmas Day. My mother has Alz. and with my father passing away in November it has fast forwarded. I left my family today and told them I was sick "must have been something I ate". I have no more energy and like you said everyone seems Happy but me.I can't handle the Alz. anymore. I cried all the way home and did some research on the net. Your post sure has helped me. Thanks for helping others.

Oh how heartbreaking, Sad Eyes.   *hugs*  I know this may seem like such a cliche, but just take one day at a time.  I'm hoping you find some peace today and tomorrow and the next day...and the next...the next...

Sad Eyes, This is Christmas Day and I have a sad heart indeed. Today I spent my first Christmas without a mother as you have without a father. It sucks. This week I almost was hospitalized in which I failed myself. I am so embarrased because I failed my mom and God. I promised I would do whatever it took to one day follow her to see her again and I failed and was so bad I almost was admitted to the hospital. Wow that's tough to admit. How can I forgive myself? I don't know right now. 

Charlene,

I'm my 95yr old mother's 24/7 caregiver.  All our relatives and most of her friends have passed.  My useless sibling lives in another country and finds her a waste of time because the person he knew isn't here.  She knows neither of us, she doesn't remember being married for nearly 40 yrs, so she couldn't have children in her mind....oh well.

The stress of this work in my life, has been the hardest and my mother is a sweetheart, but cannot do anything for herself.  I have questioned whether or not there is a God.  My health has been a roller coaster ride from hell.  So in one of my breakdowns, I have made a promise to MYSELF.  If I outlive her, I'm leaving and starting over with work and people and where I live.  So now whenever I get stressed, I remember this promise.

You mentioned in your original post that you thought your mother was dead and that it hurt.  It was totally out of your mother's control.  But the mother that you knew, would've been proud and loved that you cared so much.  Why are you still trying to sacrifice yourself for her? 

You need to ask God to lead you in the life that your mother gave you.  Honor her by taking claim of your life and enjoying it.  God lets us start over, we just have to do the work.

I am sorry for your loss.  Find yourself and live on!  If you don't know how to love yourself, volunteer to help others.  Whether it be at an animal shelter or a children's hospital, etc.  Just give your love and you will receive so many reasons for you to go on.

Charlene,

Please accept my deepest condolences; each day will get a little better.

I am saddened to hear that you are beating up on yourself over quilt. Honestly, there is nothing that can be done about what is in the past. You know if you did your best, then you have to make yourself content in this. Charlene, please don’t allow the enemy to imprison you in the cage of unforgiveness.  Pray to God and ask Him to forgive you for all of your supportive shortcomings and your personal shortcomings. One of the greatest things about God is He is faith and just to forgive us from all of our shortcomings and will never bring them to our remembrance again. Now, if God has forgiven you, why then wont you forgive yourself? Go and walk in your new freedom, make notes to remind yourself of whom you are and where you stand. Surround yourself with positive people that have your best interest and will keep you lifted up. Also, seek support from your spiritual family.

Bless Your Spirit!

-RevYarb

Thanks I am now in a better place and my mind is clearer. You are right. Some days are not so good I guess while others like today are better. Thanks be to God!

Charlene,

I too have failed God, my Father and Mother. There were hundreds of friends and family at my Father's funeral. Everyone that spoke talked about how many lives he touched and what a warrior for God he was. Meeting the people that I did not know I was ashamed to say I was "Jr." I don't deserve the name. They raised me in Church since the day I was born. For the first time though I witnessed someone going to Heaven. I always believed but my Dad took his last breath in my arms at the hospital and I knew he went to Heaven. I wouldn't admit to anyone but I guess I have fallen into a deep depression. I have no energy and the severe stress of everything and months of no sleep is starting to show on my body (i.e. headaches, palpitations,A-fib,nausea). I know what you mean about the hospital. I thought about it myself yesterday but what do you say "I can't handle Alz. anymore". I feel like I am being sucked into Mom's Alz. and I can't get out. Why is it on my mind 24 hours a day. Years of this will ruin my Life. My Prayer today is for God to put his healing hands on all of us going through this. My Mom and Dad would not approve of my self medicating to get through this but I need to find some strength.

Sad Eyes,

I feel your pain, and I support you as you go through this season. As soon as possible I humbly ask that you go and share these same feelings that you have shared with us with your pastor or some ministerial staff that they may walk with you during this time. This is very urgent, will you promise that you will do this? Please?

Bless Your Spirit!

-RevYarb

Sad Eyes, I understand what you are saying. I don't self medicate use to in the past found out it wasn't good for me. I just sleep allot. It seems I can't keep up energy wise. My mom kept us very busy and my sister and I are still exhausted from taking care of her or grieving or both I don't know. Don't much care too tired anyway. I try to keep going cause I know what stopping does for me. Gets me stuck.

Your situation is just amazing; what you've gone thru, your stamina, your determination are quite inspiring.  I feel for your exhaustion and your being burnt out.  My 90 year old mother has Alzheimers and I also have really tough days.  If you could only think of a few things that used to make you happy and try to do something special for yourself each day.....whether its a warm bubble bath with candles or putting some nice flowers where you can appreciate them.  You need to put yourself first now and focus on you and getting physically and emotionally healthy.  Your mother and all who appreciate you (including me) want you to return to the happy, robust, full of life girl that you were long ago.  YOu can get there; every morning as you awaken think of several things you are grateful for...Oprah Winfrey does this every morning...it puts her in a positive frame of mind to start the day.   Try it; try also reading from the Psalms or Proverbs both are encouraging.   Remember its easier to smile than to frown and smiles are contagious.  WE care for you and want you to know that you've impressed many by your loyalty and devotion to your mom.   She would want you to be happy so please, please work on that.  A friend. 

Thanks. Let us all work on that.

Rev,

Thanks for the thoughts and prayers. I am going to talk to someone at the church as soon as I get Mom situated. The only brother I have close by that was helping me has Parkinson's and the time he has been spending with Mom is making it worse. I am alone now for the most part in this journey.  I have become  unemployed in this bad economy and have cancelled two interviews. I am two months behind and have about a weeks worth of cash left. Only God can help me now.

                                                         Glod Bless You

Charlene,

It helps me to know you understand what I am saying. I hope you come out of your grey skies and see the sun shine soon. One thing a relative told me that would apply to you as well. "You will be rewarded in Heaven for what you are doing in helping our Mom. I see the toll in your eyes it is taking".

                                                   God please help us all. Amen

Charlene & All that have Replied,

I forgot to mention......

We have decided on a ASL. We have the pastor and all of my brothers coming this Friday to sit down and tell Mom and planning to move her Monday (which happens to be on my birthday). My Father was a smart man. He had Mom playing the piano at most all of the ASL's and Nursing Homes in the area for years. I hope this helps. They have two pianos at the ASL and we can bring hers if she wants too. I'm not looking forward to Friday.

SadEyes: That was 3 weeks ago, has all gone well? I know the paperwork for all of hewer care is overwhelming, but there should be a social worker or aide there to help you out with all of that......Assisted Living is essential I would think to help if it is truly Alzheimer's. There needs to be medication, hygiene, nutritional needs....therapies may be needed, it is all too much for one person.

Wow; you all have gone through all the sadness and sorrow of caregiving someone you love more than life itself, and then to lose them, you always feel like you failed.  It is natural.  And also the aftermath, adjusting to life without caregiving is sometimes a little too much to ask.

Keep this in mind:  Time does NOT heal all wounds.  It takes sometimes a day at a time and even a minute at a time to get through it.  So time just gives you the space you need to figure out where to put the pain, where it's somewhat manageable so you can get through that moment.  There are no easy fixes.  Support groups and grief counseling is good, but find a great one is really tough.

Caregivers NEVER give themselves the kudos they deserve.  Post Tramatic Stress Disorder is common with caregivers who lose their charges, so getting the help you need is critical.

You will never be the same again, and it is a tough way to go.  Here I'm advising you, when I'm still going through it myself.  I don't have a good answer except to talk to someone about it.  Sometimes the only ones that understand are those that did it.  But hopefully you'll listen when we say that you're not alone, and you're an amazing person.  You deserve everything great life has to offer and just be kind to yourself.

RobinD: I think time does heal all wounds.............just not 1. on OUR timetable, i.e. not QUICKLY, and 2. Healing may not be ERASURE of a wound.

Robin,

You are indeed very right. Time never heals our wounds for there is a festering below the surface until we dig out the coruption of our past and make a decision to live for a reason. I learned much from my mother and was honored to have her in my life for the short time that i did. She wasn't perfect and as a matter of fact neither was I. I thank God that I found out many years ago I was missing out on so much happiness by my own choices so I made a decision that day in Dec. 15, 2002 to repent and choose life. I dug my heels in and by no means was it easy facing my own demons but if you have a hand of someone who is bigger than any demon of this world than you can face anything. I did this first for me and God, but esp. for my mom. Do you know why for my mom? Because she deserved it? No, because God said it and i believe it. Times haven't been easy walking one day at atime without my best friend for she turned out to be exactly that. I would have given her the world with a fence around it if I could, but that is idolatry. I lost a child in 86 and I know they are having the time of their lives. I wouldn't take back a minute of the time of hatred and anger I had instead I would have done it many many years sooner if I'd only known the love and joy I was missing from a pearl of great price that stood next to me for 51 years of my life.

As an only child who is also a Senior I never thought I would be in this situation of taking care of my 89 year old mother .  She is extremely forgetful and needs her meals brought to her daily.  She will not get out of bed until 12  to 2 P.M.  At that time I have to take the covers from her and then she gets up.  She slowely does her A.M. and P.M. care.  Most of the time refuses to leave the house except to have her hair done.  She says she is too sick.  Dr. reports and test are all good.  I'm at her home 3 to 5 hours a day doing her shopping, taking her to all appointments, writing out her checks to pay the bills because she forgets.  At night she will call and ask me questions about her bills and taxes and "look" for things which she usually mixes up and causes me more problems.

There is no help or relief because she cannot go on Medicade.  She supports herself with her income which is not enough to pay help to relieve me.  She does have a girl once every two weeks to do the housework.  I do the cooking, laundry, dishes, shopping and then go home and take care of my house.

Any suggestions