I am an adult daughter whose elderly mother has Alzheimer's. Both of my parents live with us in our home. Here is the dilemma: even though I know they bathe (although not on any particularly regular or predictable basis) and change their undergarments, they tend to wear the same outfits day after day. (I am at work before they rise in the mornings.) Of course, my mother can't remember accurately whether she has showered, shampooed, or changed her outfit. My father, her main caregiver during the days, doesn't seem concerned with monitoring this aspect of her life or his own (or when she resists, he just doesn't want to fight that battle.) It is a little embarrassing, but mostly it is a matter of cleanliness. I know they want to maintain as much control in this area of their lives. How can I motivate and schedule (?) things so that they will care to remember these routines and respond to my involvement. It's tricky...but I'm looking for some good strategies to outsmart the situation, and not offend anyone.
Hi Mary,
Have you thought about taking the angle with your dad that adhering to a schedule would be really helpful to in you getting the laundry done, etc. If you knew there would be at least two towels and two outfits a day to wash, you could better predict your own schedule? I know it sounds a little far fetched, but perhaps if you get your dad on board, he could influence your mom.
I'm hoping that others will have some more creative tips. I mostly wanted to welcome you to Caring's groups and thank you for posting. 
My mother has alzheimer's. She will wear the same sweater every day even though it has spots on it. However, she showers every day, so I leave her alone on the clothes. I have just taken the sweater and put in the wash. I don't want to make her feel bad by commenting negatively on her appearance. Just like with children, choose your battles! I'm trying to allow Mom as much dignity as possible for as long as possible, The balance between the emotional and the practical in dealing with the alzheimer's person is about the hardest thing I ever tried to find.
I think others have given some good suggestions , but I also want to put in a word for not being so worried about wearing the same clothes more than once.
Maybe I'm kidding myself - but there are many cultures where people don't change their clothes every day. Especially, if your mom bathes and changes her undergarments, what's there to quibble with about wearing the same clothes a few times?
Tell your neighbors she's French!
All of the responses have been helpful. It definitely goes beyond a few days that they wear the same outfits and I have snatched some clothes to wash inconspicuously. I love the comment to tell the neighbors she is French. I was living in France for two weeks during a drought....I understand! ! Keep the comments coming! I haven't made it a battle...just trying to outsmart the situation if possible.
This is a dilemma for me too. When I encourage Mom to bathe you'd think I'd asked her to do a most onerous task. She fights and cries the whole time. I leave for work early in the mornings and caregivers are with her all day and they can't get her to bathe either most of the time. Sometimes the caregiver will arrive while Mom is still in bed and she can sometimes get Mom to take a sponge bath.
Might it help if you're able to find ways to make a game out of it? I know that sounds a bit childish, but even adults like to have some fun, too. :)
Hi Anonymous, was your mother in law lazy before diagnosis? If not then it's probably the disease that is making her so now. I highly recommend a book called "The 36 Hour Day". It helps to explain this disease in detail including behaviors and ways to work around them. I find that a lot of commotion agitates my mom too. I also recommend checking out the Alzheimer's Association website at www.alz.org. This is a tough disease for both the patient and the caregivers and family. My mom drives me crazy asking the same thing over and over. But that's a hallmark of this disease so I know that she can't help it. Hope this helps.
I care for my mom with Alzheimers also. I dread the daily bath routine also. I have found doing it at a different time like say mid morning works best for us. I usually "trick" her while I am helping her change her Depend. Actually, a daily bath isn't always necessary. I feel better if she bathes everyday but it is not life threatening. I also have invested in buying several of the same clothes so she THINKS she is getting her way, lol.....The truth is, there are no "right or wrong" answers..............Most times, you just have to pick your battles...........Good luck!
My father has this horrible disease. Hygiene is a big issue with him. When he urinates, he usually pees on the floor (to the right), but he swears he didn't do it. I tell Mom that at least he still goes to the bathroom.
However, he only showers about once a week. When I ask him why, he responded "old people don't stink." lol
Keep your sense of humor as long as you can.
Hi. Thats' funny! Thx 4 sharring. Stardust......../
A written bathing schedule may work for a while, but I think that more success will come with changing the method. Sometimes people with Alzheimer's disease become very sensitive to sensory inputs. The shower or bath is sometimes overload. The sound of water running (which echos), the feel of the water hititng them in the case of a shower. Its sometimes too much. Try running the bathwater in advance or putting bath/shower seat in the bathing area. Also, consider attaching a shower head that can be held (and therefore controlled) by the person bathing. Finally, sometimes just a little water (ankle deep) while sitting on a shower/bath seat will work as well. Just try to decrease the "drama" and you might see some results. As for repeating clothes. If the body and underwear are clean, you should be okay. Hope this is helpful. Loretta
Lately, I have been using a written weekly schedule for their other activities/appointments....this might lead to the possibility of scheduling in their baths/showers/shampoos. My mother was doing their laundry, but I am helping with that task more and more. I find that if I verbally suggest a solution a few times casually , they start to "buy in" to the idea. Sometimes (because of odor), we have had to be a bit more blunt. The information about sensory input is very helpful. We have a shower bench and handheld shower head (since my mother's hip surgery), but I didn't think of the other issue.....she used to like to shampoo in the kitchen sink, but she has resisted that more lately....maybe it is the noise. Thanks for the reassurance about not getting hung up on the clothing. Certainly, when I read about more difficult situations, it gives me a perspective on how fortunate we are to manage the situation as it is, thus far, fairly easily.
In response to "Daily Hygiene". Perhaps if you could duplicate the outfits closest to what your mother likes to wear, you could interchange them for washing. Another idea would be to take the clothes at night and wash them in order to be ready in the morning. My mother has many of the same tops and pants which makes interchanging them easy.
That's a really good suggestion, Charlie! Thank you for posting it. You know, as our parents age, so many of the tactics we use with our children (and our parents probably used with us!) come back in to play. I'm making a mental note of this for the next time I get frustrated. What do I have in my bag of tricks from my daughters that may just work with mom and dad?
My mom is 88 with AD. I live with her and work full time. Over the last 5 years I have had to change my approach as her disease has progressed. Now she is happy to stink. "Asking" her to take a shower gets a nasty response from her. I have tried everything and nothing works at the stage she is in now. I can get her to shower right before dinner sometimes, telling her I will fix dinner after I help her with a shower. But other times she will just say she's not hungry and ignore me. She obviously doesn't care that she smells. She is now having trouble cleaning herself after her toilet. I don't know why but she seems to not notice she is leaving her butt dirty and getting it on her underpants. It is very frustrating trying to find a tactic that works.
I was home on FMLA leave from work to take care of her after a fall in the bathroom where she sprained a groin muscle. I've been home for two weeks now. Work is not happy and I am not getting paid. We are just making it financially so I cannot afford help. Shower time and changing clothes went smoothly during the two weeks. I would hear her get up and get to her as she got out of bed and on the toilet. She would let me clean her up, get her clean clothes on. In the afternoon every other day she was very willing to get into the shower with me standing right there helping with everything. I don't mind this kind of attention to her. However, I would have to quit work to do this daily.
I would take all her clothes including her night clothes and put them into a dirty clothes bin. This seems to be the only way I could get her clean. On her own, she has no thinking that she is dirty, no recognition that she needs to do anything. Even a written schedule didn't work. She will argue with me that she showers every day.
I'm afraid I'm missing how bad she is because I am delaying quiting work to take care of her due to my own financial fears. I'm 60. It is very difficult to tell with AD when the person moves to another level of required care. It seems to be a constant willingness to change how we approach caregiving. Friends and coworks keep telling me to put her in assisted living. We have no money for that and the State of Florida does not assist with assisted living. She can still do enough for herself so doesn't qualify for skiled nursing home care either. If I quit work, we will both be in financial trouble. A very stressful decision.
I'm sorry my post is not helpful except to say to keep trying new things. I could quit work because I see how she needs me more and the first day I stayed home have her refuse to shower. I feel your pain, stay with it and know this is not an easy disease. The book suggested "36-Hour Day" is very helpful. There are rewards for being a caregiver!
Hi Linda,
One thing that came to mind when reading about your mom is how she is willing to shower if you stand right there and help her with every little thing. Do you think she has some insecurities about falling in the shower or tub? Maybe if you did give her the same attention, just at another time of the day, she'd be willing to bathe? I may be wrong, but it could be worth a shot.
I'll be thinking about you and your mom.
For Mary G...............I sort of assume that they go to bed early, so perhaps the clothes could be taken, washed and returned to them once a week, back to the same place, and they would not notice? This avoids a confrontation, and your busy time of the day too. Of course the layout of where your laundry is I do not know.
About the shamppoing, I am "only" 55, and already notice that leaning back over the hairdresser sink is a bit of a strain, and doing it in my laundry tub downstairs is totally off the table as a backup place I once used if we had houseguests................I now only like standing in my shower.
My 86 year old mom-in-law uses a shower chair for stability and washes her own hair BEFORE the hairdresser because of sink issues............
Linda SD.................There is NO kind of care your mom qualifies for?? Nothing that could help you for the next two years? Then you will qualify for SS, and maybe you could take it and work part-time? Have you tried Eldercare locators? I am afraid that seeking out help is quite a full time job itself. And the PAPERWORK involved in health care is absolutely frightening, too. No one else in the family to help you?
Anonymous...........Only you know what she was like before............but she MAY be, what we call "lazy", but she may think of as "entitled". As in I worked my behind off for 60 years, or whatever, and now YOU can all take care of ME!! That will be nearly impossible to get over, I would think.
Plus, she may NOT have another life. My 85 year-old mom-in-law just lost her spouse of 64 years, but she has elder activities that she just LOVES to do on a regular basis, and quite a few buddies where she lives............Still, I think she gets lonesome, and then sort of wants one of her kids there. Like right away. So, I can only imagine of she had no interests! And she loves to cook, which is why she is not ready to go to assisted living. She cannot imagine "life without stove"!!
my blind, very hard of hearing mom dreads shower times as she is so unstable and unwieldly. I help her get in and out, she washes and shampoos her hair, then I put her in a terry bath robe and once she is dry I blow dry her hair and then curl and style it. What makes me uneasy is that once a week is all she is willing to do for shower and shampoo. She does sponge baths in between. Although she rarely has body odor, I still feel like a bad daughter for not insisting on more regular showers, but honestly, it isn't my favourite thing to do either.Should I try harder to get her to bathe more frequently?
I think it is okay for older people to not shower/bathe daily, as their skin gets papery and fragile. Does anyone know is this is an actual fact? I always thought that sponge baths are just swell, And that as a rule, men are much more lax about all of this.
Hi ladies,
Here's some information on caring for an elderly parent at home, including bathing:
Daily care
I hope this helps!
LauraL
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