Caring for My Aunt who has Dementia.

Hello Anonymous ,question  Is she being well taken care of? If so then if you visit her once a week, then you have done your something for her. Some time people put so much into these things and make themselves sick. You need to take care of yourself and your family. Some times its good not to answer her calls, but you can call the staff to see if she is ok to ease your mind. Hope this helps you, and don't feel guilty because you are doing things for her. PS take care of yourself.

NTF 

Thanks NTF,  I have been told that by many people but it is so hard for me to do.  She actually called me first thing this morning to let me know that she was waiting all day yestrday for me to come to see her.  She actually told me that she had put on an outfit I had bought her for her B'day last week.  She was so up set she worked herself into an anxiety attack. 

I know I have to just not let it bother me so much but it is so hard.  My husband and I are trying to devise a way to keep her busy without me.  She thinks she is a "Queen"!  I will get through these hard times.  I refuse to let her take me down with her.

To answer your question...she is taken care of very very well.  She lives in a Sunrise Assisted Living Facitily and the looks of the place are absolutely beautiful.  I call it "Disneyworld for Seniors". It's like living in a Victorian Setting.  She couldn't ask for anything prettier. They treat her like she doesn't need to be there, which my Aunt eats up.( They forget she has Dementia) But...it is all she can afford.  She is there because they have  a Memory Unit for the future. She shares a room with another resident, and is very happy about that.  She couldn't live alone. She just wants "Family" to visit her everyday.  She asks me why others in our family don't come to see her.  I tell her I can't answer for them.  She even said my two girls don't even visti her.  I told her I will not make them do it.  My girls are 17 & 19 and I want them to be respectful of her but they are enjoying ther lives and are both still in school and work.  It is never enough.  I think she wants to move in with me WHICH IS NOT AN OPTION. 

Sorry, I am carrying on.....I'm just venting I guess.  Thank you for your response.  It does help me to hear it from someone else.  I will continue to try!!

Donna

Hi Donna,

Hey you want to vent its ok you have that right and I'll be the ears for you. You need to take care of yourself because if you get sick your husband will have to take care of you.And she will have no one, think about it. You are doing the right thing don't beat yourself up about it. Its a real hard thing to have go through and the stronger ones will provail.

My mother has dementia also she has lived with me for five months for the winter. She is now in her house my brothers are caring for her now. I visit her every other day she is doing well but I know we will have to put her in assisted living when time comes. And I know its gonna be hard for me. Its not right for someone to have to live with this,Its hard to watch someone that you love fade away. But I know that I'm doing the best I can to make her life has happy as I can.

I was very much wore out with her living with us my children are 6 and 11 and they keep me busy. It was like having another child in my house. If we went out I needed a babysitter for her and the kids. But i'm glad my brothers are helping out too. Because I would go insane. LIke I tell them if we work together then she can live in her home longer. And right now thats what we are working at to make her happy.

Nancy

Drained by Auntie,

I am so glad to hear you are in therapy!  That was a smart decision.  Your therapist should be able to help you think about and get comfortable with appropriate boundaries and limit setting.  I think the scary thing I have had to face is recognizing there is no absolute correct way to do this.  There is no guarantee that your particular choices of limits to set are objectively "the right ones".  In fact, the limits you set with your aunt will be right if they are right for you.  Whatever you choose to do for her, whether it be less than this, more than this, or just what you are doing right now, I hope you can get settled and clear about your right to choose and about your own wisdom of what is right for you and your family in balance with what is right for her.  The clearer you feel the easier it will be to move forward with less guilt and less anxiety.

Nancy

I think that if my aunt were my mother I wouldn't feel the way I do.  I think I would have done what you did and take my mother into my home and tried to go it alone as you did. To get your brothers to help is wonderful.   When it's your aunt, well, you think you know her but you really don't.  I saw my aunt every other weekend and that was like she was "company".  I found it very hard to "take over" for her.  I felt like I was prying into her personal life, making decisions about where she will live, what she could keep, what she does with what little money she has.  It is really a hard thing to do.  I know more about her than anyone else in my family, even her own sister. 

My family was a very close one when I was growing up.  I have two brothers and several cousins all men in my generation.  Therefore, I was lucky enough to be the chosen one as all the elders' guardian angel.  (Lucky me!)  I did take on this responsibility without any complaint until recently.   I am very angry that her ONLY sister left, didn't step up to take care of her. She is happy that I did, but she just doesn't "get It".  She doesn't understand why her sister doesn't have the money she pretended to have, why did I need to get a Power of Attorney for her, why my aunt wants to see her only sister MORE than just once a week within the confines of the assisted living facility.  I am always feeling the need to explain everything I do and why I am doing it.  I also am keeping good records of every penny that is spent because I get the feeling that I am being watched.  I have been very angry with everyone for NOT even caring enough to visit her for even 10 minutes.  It would  make my aunt smile and in turn, she would relax and not call on me.  They all do have their oppinions of what I should and shouldn't do but I try not to listen. 

I figure I have made my place in Heaven! I really hope there is one still there when I get there!! Thanks again for listening.  "This too shall pass" as my mom said!

Donna 

Judithmft

Thanks for your response.  I enjoy going to therapy.  He has helped me alot through some tough times and is trying to help me with this issue too.  My aunt is a very anxious person and did experience a break down in her younger years to which she had some shock treatments.  Why? I don't know. I have felt like I am the only one who understands her anxiety ever since her husband died.  She leaned on him for everything!  She is now leaning on me.  She treats me differently than anyone else.  She can open up to me with her fears and concerns, which I am thankful for but now that she has dementia, it actually scares me that I will be like her especially if I keep allowing her to manipulate me the way she does.  My therapist is helping me to do what is right for all concerned.

I like to talk about my problems and believe it really helps me.  I have also tried to help my aunt get through this most difficult time in her life.  She is very scared of her future. She is so scared that they will give her shock treatments again.  I try to assure her that won't happen again.  It is so sad.  If I didn't take care of her this way, what would have happened to her?  I couldn't live with myself if I didn't.  Sometimes she calls me just to talk her self through her fears.  She doesn't remember doing it the next day, but that's ok I guess!

Thank you again, and after checking your profile, I know YOU understand!

Donna

Hi Donna,

I hope things are easing up for you! As to visiting her and her calling - perhaps if you set up a schedule with her - a calendar of one week that shows that you will come to see her on Mondays and Thursdays, or whatever one or two days work for you. That way perhaps she won't be dismayed that you didn't come that day - she can see by the calendar that it isn't a day for you to come because as much as you love her, you have to spread your love out to your family and yourself as well as her. Maybe it will help. :) Good luck! 

Thanks LauraL.  That's exactly what I am trying to do.  I did tell her I would be by on Mondays and to put it on her calendar, and she did.  I did get there today and all went well.  We will have to wait and see how it goes from here I guess.

Donna