Dear Mededit,

Wow!  This sounds very difficult and scary.  You have to tackle things on many fronts, and I am not sure what should come first, so I'll just throw out some suggestions.

You can file an anonymous report with the state department of motor vehicles expressing concerns about your dad's driving safety.  This will, hopefully, trigger a required re-examination.

There is a great book called The Parent Care Conversation that might give you some ideas about how to get started discussing these things with them.

Is your dad aware of the changes in your mom?  You might want to arrange a visit and spend some alone time with each of them to assess things more fully.  Maybe your dad is open to the idea that your mother needs a medical evaluation - remember that many forms of dementia can be due to infections, vitamin deficiencies or other reversible causes. 

Even rural areas may have a dial-a-ride program.  Call your county offices and see if one is available and what the eligibility requirements are.

If your father has a doctor, you can talk to the doctor about your concerns.  Even though the doctor can't share information with you without your dad's permission, you can write the doctor a letter to describe your concerns about dad's driving.  You can also mention concerns about mom, so that if she accompanies dad to a doctor's appointment the doctor can observe her as well.

Lastly, look for a caregiver support group in your area or theirs, because the facilitator and members will have great suggestions and strategies and will know the local services.

As I have said many times in the last 2 years of caring for my father, I have become knowledgeable about so many things I never thought I would!  I appreciate the chance to share some of my learning with you and I hope it is helpful.  Please keep us updated about how you and your parents are doing.

Oh, my. When it rains it pours, huh?

I went searching on the site and I did find this question that was answered by one of our experts. Perhaps it will help you as well?

How can I get my mother to acknowledge that she has Alzheimer's?

Thanks so much, both of you. It appears the stress of all this has made me a little stupider than usual, and I appreciate your insight and support.

You're welcome. Please come back and let us know how things are going, and perhaps you can even offer some of your experiences to others here. :)

Laura

Oh mededit,

Not stupider at all!  You are asking great questions, and I think your parents are lucky you are so observant about what is happening with them and what they need.  Good luck with everything.

Never call yourself stupid! Dealing with caretaking is a learning experience.

As others have suggested, anonymously report to the Secretary of State office your concerns about your dad driving. He will be given an evaluation, driving test, etc.

As for transportation, check out the website for your county government. Ours here is called Livingston Essential Transportation.

I wish I could recommend a way to get your mom to see a doctor......That may have to be done by a face-to-face discussion. Or a "Hey Mom, I'm going to get a complete physical exam, and I think you should get one also".......

Thanks all, and I shouldn't have used a perjorative like "stupid" when I really meant just not thinking as clearly due to stress--sorry!

I just started showing up when I knew they needed to go to a doc appt or to the store, and amazingly, Dad just accepted that he can't drive anymore. But I'm having a hard time getting them to use the resources I found for them when I absolutely can't make it there. I may have set myself up for this one! They just hate having to ask for help outside of, well, me--actually, they're not overly happy about needing my help either, but at least they'll accept it. Took me several months, but they even agreed to go to a lawyer to update wills, do medical directives, and even independently decided to give me power of attorney (it was telling how ready they were for that at the lawyer's office), so at least when the time comes I can step in with little problem--little legal problem, anyway! I guess the hard part will be making that call when the time comes.

Getting mom to deal with (or even acknowledge) her declining mental status is not going so well however--and it's clear she's more than aware of it. Every time I try to broach the subject, it's always excuses--either "I'm tired" or "I have a headache." When I noted that she seemed to have an awful lot of "headaches," she got upset. And when she makes mistakes or asks the same thing 20 times and it's gently pointed out to her, she gets very upset. At this point, I'm not sure what the right thing to do is. Keep slowly and gently working on her, or just let it go. I was trying to get some sort of acknowledgment from her to see if I could get her to a doctor, but it seems to distress her so much. But then, realizing she's having difficulty regularly causes her distress too. At least dad will talk about the frustrations of going blind, but we're walking on tiptoes around mom. I wonder, am I pushing her to talk about it because it's what I need rather than what she needs? Should I just let it go?

And of course, I'm wondering when the time will come when I have to choose between uprooting my life or uprooting theirs--there are only so many days a week I can be 2.5 hours away from my job and, well, my life! I'm lucky to have built an ersatz family of close friends where I live, and when my folks are gone, they are all I'll have, so I'm loathe to give that up to move to my folks (not to mention I can't really work in my field there). Any advice on dealing with that appreciated as well!

Thanks so much--I'm so pleased to have found this forum--it's a real lifeling

It sounds like your mom is at that stage where she does not want to admit to getting older and needing help. This seems to be very common with seniors.

As for taking them to their doctor appointments, etc.: You are going to soon realize that you driving 2.5 hours each way very often is (1) Impractical - you are not superman/woman. There are going to be times when you simply can't do it. (2) It's going to lead quickly to Caregiver Burnout. Also with the current job market, I'd be worried about taking too much time off from work.

That said, I think you and your parents are going to have to look towards services in their community. Someone will have to do the grocery shopping every week (that would mean you would have to be out there weekly, otherwise).

Hello,

This is in response to mededit. Have you thought of contacting the hospital where your parents live, and asking to speak to a social worker?  My husband hired a social worker to coordinate care for his father, who had Alzheimer's and lived 500 miles away from us.   It's possible that you could enlist the services of a social worker to coordinate available services for your parents.  The social worker might even take your parents to the doctor; ours did.  Another advantage is that the social worker can probably give you an accurate report about what is happening with your parents.  This might represent a new business opportunity for the social worker, who may be eager to help you. 

When it is confirmed by a doctor, or even by family who are sure the elder is unsafe behind the wheel it's time to act.  Most that is written on this subject is about what to do to keep an elder driving, or even about alternative transportation.  There isn't a lot out there about how, exactly to get the car keys away, especially when the elder doesn't want to give them up, or flat out refuses.  I wrote about this in my minibook, How to Handle a Dangerous Older Driver, available at AgingParents.com.  It gives you a step by step approach to the problem, with many practical tips.  I do not advocate tricking the elder, not saying anything and disabling the car or other such dishonest tactics.  The elder's dignity is a part of this.  Use one of the methods suggested, or all of them.  Above all, please don't "wait until there is an accident".  That is a very unsafe and irresponsible decision.  I represented the victims of accidents for 27 years, and I speak from experience.  Carolyn L. Rosenblatt, R.N., Attorney at Law, AgingParents.com.

Hi there, I don't know if it will help but in my area ( very rural) a lot of people can ask the local high school and girl or boy scouts for a bit of help ( they get credit for their tasks at schools or scouts) they can shop or P/U meds, some will do small chores. Give it a try. Meds can be delivered by mail and some local organizations can help also. Churches have youth groups to help also. For myself as an old lady 70 I have told my kids years ago to deal with me as things pop up and don't worry if I protest. I fully realize my family will only act in my best interest. Driving is a privelege and ALL people should take yearly compentency test!! It would be a hassel but could save many lives.

LB

As for driving

LB those are great ideas! Thanks so much! 

Thanks LB--I agree those are great ideas and you have a great attitude. Unfortunately, although I have found some readily available delivery sources for things like milk/bread/eggs and resources for driving (Dad has definitely come to terms with the fact that he can't, so that's good), the problem is getting them to use them. They "don't want to be a burden to me" but they have a really hard time asking anyone else for help either--even volunteer organizations, friends, or pay services. I feel guilty, but it's getting to the point where I'm going to have to force them into it some of the time. I just can't do it every single time, and I guess they're gonna have to get used to it. Can anybody tell me how to not feel like the worst kid in the world though? :)