Alzheimer's and spending money for "contests"

I cannot believe there have been no replies to this post!!!

My Mother has lost literally thousands of dollars in these "contests" and "sweepstakes".  No matter how many times my brother and I explained to her they were a scam - she always fell for the next one and the next one and the one after that.

We have had the police talk with her, her friends, sisters -- she just has it in her mind that someday she will "win big".  She always promises never to do it again - and then she is off on winning the next "dream".  I have contacted the police, the states attorneys office -- with names, phone numbers of the criminals -- and to my knowledge nothing is done.

Most of these A**holes are out of the country. However, even the ones in the States pretty much just do as they please. How any of these people sleep at night is beyond me - they are stealing from the elderly and it just makes me sick - not to mention furious.

You were absolutely right to give your Dad an allowance. I know this was not easy, and when it happens they feel as if they are losing control of their lives when you take over their finances. But it's for his own good. I tried to explain to my Mom that its either this - or she risks losing all her money (which isn't much - trust me) and I do not have the funds to pay her way.

I have found in dealing with my Mom that a lot of it is in the "timing".  You know when they are in the right frame of mind to discuss important matters like money -- and when it happens you take full advantage of it -- quickly!  I waited until my Mom was "mentally there" to discuss getting her to give me Durable Power Of Attorney over her health and financial affairs should she become unable to care for herself.  

If you do not have what is called a "Durabel Power of Attorney" and your parent becomes out of control with their money , etc. you basically have to take them to court and have them declared incompetent.  So I told her that getting this done now would save a lot of time, money and frustration in the future.  The whole thing cost around $100 --  I would spend $100 any day for peace of mind.

Good luck to you and everyone else in "our" situation.

MJF,

Thank you so much for your thorough and thoughtful reply. I, too, was a bit surprised that no one has responded here.

You are absolutely "right on" with everything you say. Luckily, my father had given me power of attorney for all situations (financial and medical) several years ago. We did go to the attorney while I was there and he "resigned" as Trustee of his trust account, turning it all over to me. That didn't cost us anything, because the attorney had offered free updates of his trust once a year and it hadn't been done in three years. Whew!  I was so glad that my dad cooperated with that and we didn't have to go to court and spend any of his dwindling resources.

I have followed up with him every few days and he says he is sticking to his "allowance" and not giving anyone any money. I asked him if it didn't feel better to him to be keeping his hard-earned money instead of giving it to scammers and people who don't have his best interest at heart. He begrudgingly admitted that it did.

You are right about the timing. Since my dad and I are 2,500 miles apart, it's difficult on the phone. And, over the years I've learned that I have to keep things brief. When my dad feels threatened or the conversation turns to something he doesn't want to deal with, his response is to say, "Well, thanks for calling. Bye." Then he hangs up!

I've learned, in this long-distance care-giving business, that there's always another problem lurking right around the corner. It feels like those fountains that they have in public places where a spout of water comes up over her, then another one over there, then a third one in a different spot. You never know where they will pop up, and you can't stop them.

Good luck with your mom. I appreciate your support and wish you the best.

 Oh, yes. The money problems are another nightmare fact of caring for parents with dementia. My mother never used to fall for these contests and scams, but the older she got, the more she got taken in by them. These scam artists prey on older folks because of that. It's a disgusting fact, but you've got to deal with it before it gets out of control. You must take full control of their finances or watch their savings disappear into the hands of these scumbags. I hate the skeptical looks from people (bankers, medical facilities, etc.) that don't really understand the situation. But you have to protect their savings because this is what's helping to pay for their care now.  I give my mother a little cash to have on hand, so when she spends it or loses it, it's no big loss. She's always getting subscription renewal and cancellation notices from magazines even though she still has a year left on the subscriptions, but she can never remember that and demands that I renew. If I hadn't taken her checkbook away, she'd have subscriptions for the next 20 years!!!! And for things she doesn't even want! She gave an antique box full of old buttons to an 'antiques dealer' to "take it home and go through it, pick out what they want, then bring it back and pay me then." !!!! Of course they never came back and denied even having it when she called them. The list goes on and on. You have to be assertive and put up with the negative reactions that go along with it.

I UNDERSTAND!!!!

My mother, who has always been 'on top' of her finances, allowed her bank accounts to be totally drained.  A retired government worker's savings, pension, social security.... Zip, zero, overdrawned...  GONE.  First it was the magazines, then the mail contests, then the mail lotteries, phone solicitations, Sears for an over priced hearing aid, and who  knows what else?  I couldn't believe it!  Mom always had been great with her finances and business matters.  I didn't know until she was so emotionally sick that she became physically sick and the bank started calling.  This happened 4-6 times until I finally had her change bank accounts then change banks.  She would give out her account number over the phone and then at the end of the phone conversation, telling the people she didn't want whatever it was they were trying to jip her out of.   She would still be charged...hundreds of dollars several times a month.  She didn't understand electronic banking.  The turkeys had her wiring thousands of dollars and wiring money on a daily basis.  The bank now calls me when she tries to withdraw more than a couple hundred per month. 

I have sinced moved her in with us, originally for medical reasons.  I did not forward her mail, it still goes to her home where my daughter is staying.  We toss the junk mail which is full of contests, heal quick medications, magazine offers, lotteries, and astronomy fortune tellers....and give her the rest of the mail that is 'safe'.  We didn't have her phone transferred but left it with my daughter.  My daughter sensors the calls and then gives the 'real friend' person our number.  We sent "I have moved" postcards to her 'real friends'.  It is not a fail proof way of doing things but it has helped.

Back to the scams, even with phone numbers, wire numbers and addresses, the authorities do nothing.  The banks can only do so much, after all, she either approved or sent it.  You can talk to mom repeating yourself over and over about the scams, show her examples of others and she will agree with you saying that she now knows......and then do it again when you least expect it.  I would love to hang these cruel sneaky jerks by their toes in a sand storm (best I could think of). 

I feel that if I take "her money/bankbook and her car away, I will loose her emotionally and then physically.  She has already lost so much independence with her physical limitations and now with her mental abilities that I am afraid she will give up and go to her higher home.  I know the time is coming but I am just trying to watch close before I take full control.  And then I will have to deal not only with her further depression but then her sister too.

An even sadder part is the acusations from her sister and sister's kids that I am 'taking advantage of my mom', that she would never do anything stupid like that with her money and that my family and home must be doing something to her.  This is far from true and very painful to hear.  I've got grocery bags with years of the junk mom has received including some she has responded to that I pulled from the outgoing mail.  I've even got my mom's bank records, in her writing, as well as the backing of the bank officials from 4 banks to confirm that mom did indeed get scammed.

My mom will be 88 tomorrow, she is hard of hearing, has crippling arthritis in her back, legs, hands and shoulders, half a colon, and has recently been diagnosed with dementia/alzheimers.  She has been with us for almost two years, pays no rent or utilities, has her meals prepared, does no work around the house, has to be monitored for meds and appointments, depressed, holds me captive at home after work, disrupted my home, marriage, and free time, can say some hateful things, making me physically sick........and I love her inspite of.

If any of you ever find a way to get some of the funds back that was scammed, please let me know.  There is now no real savings and with the dementia/alzheimers, I don't know what is gonna happen later.  Her medicare and insurance will only cover so much and I can't afford much more, especially when 24 hour care is needed.

Thanks for letting me vent.

SD and D, I'm so sorry for your situations. I think you are correct--it seems so hard to take away what little independence is left, but on the other hand, it's not fair to them or to US to have all their money gone, either!  I keep telling my dad that HE deserves his money and no one else does. He agrees, in principle, but then goes and doees something stupid. It is so frustrating, as you well know.

I think the only thing is to responsibly take control and not worry about what the parent, siblings, or others say. I figure that if I can look myself in the mirror each morning, knowing that I'm doing the best I can for my dad, then that's all that counts. It's too bad that others feel the need to badmouth someone who puts up with the older parent. Wait until it's their turn--then they might have a better sense of the heartaches.

Thank you for sharing your stories. I wish I had answers. I have had many people who are in the same situation that you HAVE to take control of the money/checkbook, etc. because the senior can't be responsible.  My next battle will be the car and car keys. That's another whole discussion, I'm afraid.

I just wish that crises came one at a time, but they seem to come in multiples!

I think we need a little humor, here, OK? When I was trying to get some medical records for my dad, he gave me a list of all of his doctors and their phone numbers. His podiatrist was an 800 number. I thought it was a bit strange but called it anyway. I was shocked to hear this sexy female voice saying, "We are going to make  your feet feel sooooo good! We are going to suck your toes until you scream with pleasure."  It went on and on, and finally, she said, "For only $1.99 a minute, you can have the time of your life." It was a phone sex line! I thought maybe that's where my father was spending his money, and I was furious.  But, before I lost it completely, I looked in the phone book. My father lives in area code 810, and he had written 1-800 in his telephone list, instead of 810!  I just cracked up. In the midst of all this frustration and worry, it just made me giggle. Ya gotta have a sense of humor about these things!

Hope it brings a smile to others, as well.

Meiho: 

I am sitting at my desk loudly cracking up....and I am not a out loud laughing person!!!!!  Thanks so much for humor, you're right, it's needed.

Things do seem to snowball.  Mom paid her 08 state taxes with a closed account check.  The notice came yesterday with a penalty added.  Today, I took her to the hearing aid doctor because she put her hearing aid in the microwave to clean it.  She misread/understood the instructions. 

Hummm...I wonder what is next?

I talked to a friend whose father is suffering.  The only way they can get him to take a bath is to let him wear his Sunday church hat and a neck tie......and only in the garden tub with bubbles.

Whatever it takes.................Then laugh about it.

I'm giggling about the visual of the gentleman in his hat and tie in the hot tub. Yes, I think it's important to find humor in any situation. It's called "balance" and sure seems to be elusive some days.

Sometimes when things are making me crazy, I try to bring up the funny moments in my mind, just to regain perspective for a couple of moments. It seems to help.

One other thing that helps me to remove myself emotionally from some of this craziness--I think of myself not so much as my father's daughter, but as his case manager. It takes away some of the emotional impact of people blaming me, etc. It puts it in a "business" context and I don't take things so personally. It works for me, partially because my father and I have never been close and I get resentful about having to care for him. If I look at it as though he were a "client," it just makes things easier.  I suppose if you are emotionally close to a parent, that might not work.

It's also helpful for me to know that there are other caring people out there like you who understand. Thanks so much.

 Thanks for some comic relief because, man is that important. I keep a stack of comedy DVDs handy: movies, TV shows, stand up comedians, etc. And they do come in handy when you need to laugh (which is often). I have to try not to elevate the situation to monstrous proportions and find the humor when I can.

I relate to your situation Meiho because my mother and I always had a strained relationship. Like oil and water. I was the sensitive, artistic type and she was the domineering, critical, insensitive type. What a bad match!!! Anyway, like everything in life, you make the best of the situation and find ways to detach yourself from the emotional part of it.  Mother is now demanding that I bring her all her bank statements and checkbook to examine. I'm afraid she'll not want to give them back and lose them, or somehow they'll get into the wrong person's hands. (She's in an assisted living facility). Not quite sure how to handle this. I keep telling her not to worry about it, that I'm taking care of it just like she did for her mother. She insists she's not as bad as her mother was mentally (she's much worse actually, her mother was more passive about it.) Most things mother forgets, but some things, like this, she obsesses on. She's used to badgering me until I cave in (I couldn't stand the confrontations) so I'm afraid she won't back off of this. Should I give her copies of the statements with account numbers blackened out? Still makes me uneasy. Sometimes I feel like I need to take a referee with me on my visits to her. Maybe I should wear a whistle around my neck the next time I see her and yell Time Out.

D,

I have a suggestion about your mother and her statements. With my dad, it's a matter of concern and control that he needs to know about his finances. I understand that. I tried to make it fun for us both. I said that he is the CEO of the JB (his initials) company, and I'm the VP of Finance. Either of us can call a meeting of the Finance Committee. I treat it very professionally, trying to take the emotion out of it. I show him whatever he wants to see, and, since I live many miles away, I send him an Executive Summary, which I type up, of where he stands. When I visit, or on the phone, I tell him that we need a 5-minute meeting, and I express my concerns or I ask him questions so that he is still "in the loop" and "somewhat in charge." It has worked well for me, and he trusts me now. I treat it light-heartedly (unless he has done something stupid, in which case, things change). I try to respect his dignity and his finances, but stay in charge.

To eliminate his crazy spending on sweepstakes and giving money to anyone who asks, I have taken away his credit card and checkbooks. I pay all the bills and send him money orders every week for his "allowance." I created an envelope system for every week, and when I call him every Saturday, I go over the process of taking any money that he has left and putting it in a savings envelope and taking the money order for the next week out for that week. We've only been doing this for a few weeks, but it seems to be working, since he has control of the "allowance" and can see the benefit of saving something for more expensive things. He still runs to the bank, and I think it's as much for social reasons as it is a need for money. Luckily, his personal banker and the bank manager and I have a good understanding of the problem and they work well with me.

I understand that every situation is different, and it's especially difficult when there's a history of not getting along. I am trying to make our last years together better than the first ones, partially so that I can hold my head high in the future that I did the best for him despite our history.

My thoughts are with you.

Hey D,  Are you and I the same person?  It sure sounds like it!  I'm so glad to know I am not the only person going thru these ummmm...challenges.  My mom and I never got along either which is probably the reason I married right after high school and flew the coup.  It seems that everything I or my family does now is stupid unless it pertains to her. 

My mom is now living with me though I know assistant living or nursing home will be next.   Right now it's good because I go through her mail and banking materials AFTER she has gone to sleep and try to stay on top of issues that way.  This allows me to see what she is doing and get to the bank the next morning should I need to.  Meiho is right, if you haven't already, establish a relationship with the bank quickly!  Thank God Mom had put my name on her account years ago so that makes it easier.  Getting her to sign the Pof A is another issue.

Just to keep peace, I have 'manuevered' (sorry if I spelled it wrong) some of her mail to, as you say, "not elevate" unnecessary situations that really aren't major but that she no doubt will obsess in.  It is sad when this happens cause most times it is nothing important.  Many of the articles I have read say that this obsession is part of the dementia/alz. and the fact that they know they are loosing control of their life.  I understand, but Lord have mercy, it does not make it easy especially with some of the accusations and hurtful things directed at you.  Add that to a  jealous sister/my aunt who verbally puts her down and feeds her doubt ....you need more than a referee.  There have been times when I have mentally and physically wanted to walk away but I can't.

Hang in......tomorrow is another day!  Thank God for folks like you guys.  Knowing you are not the only ones facing these situations is a blessing.  Please keep sharing.....

Thanks Meiho and sdhindy for the stories and great advice! Love the envelope idea and my mother will relate to that since she was always big on filing, labeling, categorizing, keeping records and logs of everything. I will get a file folder with labeled envelopes and 'papers,' that is, some financial info without the account numbers, etc., that she can shuffle through and refile (she re-does everything I do, even rehangs clothes I put in her closet or refuses to wear the new clothes I get her... but I digress...). She could spend an hour filing, reading and re-filing the same thing.

That CEO scenario seems a great idea for your dad, Meiho, but my mom, being mostly a stay-at-home mom won't relate to it. I do ask her questions and 'advice' so she feels she has some input and control. I have redirected the pertinent mail to my address and let the rest of the mail go to her box so she gets some mail. Unfortunately, the remaining family members never or rarely write to her, even though I sent them her address, stationery and postage!!!  

I keep trying different methods to find something she will be more receptive to because she still thinks I'm the 9-year-old she pushed around and immediately rejects anything I suggest. Yes, the 'challenge' of an already difficult parent that ends up getting dementia is especially draining, but I'm doing my best so that later on I can sleep at night knowing I did all I could and didn't run away from the 'challenge' like I wish I could!

Take comfort in knowing you are not alone, everyone. WE UNDERSTAND!

Not being alone is really helpful, and I appreciate everyone taking time to provide such thoughtful answers.

One thing I try to do with my dad is to say, "How would you like me to handle this?" or "give me your thoughts about how you'd like to handle this," when something comes up. That way, he has his say and feels like he has some control. It's easier and faster to do it myself, and I may not do exactly as he says, but he feels better about the process. Sometimes he'll say, "Well, do what you think is best," or "I trust that you'll do what you need to do," in so many words. He told the attorney, when we were redoing some legal papers, that he trusted me and that I've always done what was best, so that gives me license, I think, to do things, even if they aren't exactly as he says.

I think it's a matter of maintaining whatever semblance of a relationship we can have without me feeling like I'm dominating. That may change as he loses more and more mental function, but that's what I'm discovering about this whole caregiving thing--flexibility is the key. Anyone who doesn't like change shouldn't be in the caregiving business, because it's constantly changing!

Your thoughts?

Home Shopping Network, QVC, Guys knocking on the door to do yardwork and getting paid HUGE amounts for little or nothing....they have to go get something, be right back...yeah.

Gosh it's like an epedemic. I have been experiencing many of the same problems you all have. My 83 year old widowed mother is in mid-stage dementia. We have gone over and over about the bank accounts. Her check book is still in her home, but under lock and key. (I have the key) She still signs checks, but only under my supervision. And everytime, she tries to put the checkbook back into her purse! I gently have to reminder her that it must go back into the lockbox - where it belongs. I agree with her about everything, then do what must be done. At times, she gets very agitated and can be extremely difficult, but it doesn't do any good to argue with her or disagaree. I lend a sympathetic ear and try to rationalize with her - it does seem to have a calming affect. She keeps blaming us children for cluttering her house. So we sympathize with her and blame my sister (who lives out of state), for dropping off all her junk at Mom's! It calms her when we agree that someone else is causing the problem. Local Area on Aging interviewed her but she still loves alone. She is very defiant about leaving her home. One of us check on her daily. At one time her meds were a problem - but now we have a monthly calendar taped to the counter top near the kitchen phone. She must make a single checkmark each time she takes her meds - am & pm. We monitor it closely.
We also put up a large dry erase board in the kitchen to remind her of important things. We post each other notes to update her status...and remind her who visited her. She has even started making herself notes on it! I don't think our system would work without my brother and Aunt who share and support each other. Yes, it is difficult, but would we do it any other way? God Bless You All!

I have been dealing with the same thing and do have some helpful information. First, call your local Attorney General's office. I did that last week and was told the first thing to do is change all of their telephone numbers and do not list the numbers. Then contact the postal inspector regarding the sweepstakes entry forms they are receiving. We were told to keep them and turn them into the post office. The lady from the AG's office also called my parents and talked to them and explained to them the lottery scam. The AG's office was also able to place their names on a list with Western Union so they are unable to wire money, they also contacted their banks (after we provided them the information) and alerted them to the fact they were victims of a lottery scam. We do feel like we have a better handle on this but my mother was the one filling out the sweepstakes forms and that is how they started calling her. We may get to the point where we have to get their mail and then give them only the important mail and throw the junk mail away. The AG's office will be your best source of information and support.