You just acknowledged that her mood changed as fast as the wind blew.....I am not suggesting that we can all look at it from my perspective, but if we could it would save some stress for us. My sister has no defense for the emotions felt about our mother and therefore is not a good candidate to provide the care she requires. Stacy if you can not make yourself comfortable with it, you owe it to yourself to find other provisions for your mothers care that she can afford. She will continue to be aggressive and get over it about every 15 minutes. We do not have the luxury of the memory lapses so we can only do what is the (healthy) best thing for us. I urge you to get out before your health begins to suffer...honestly it sounds like your mental health is already suffering. google "A Place for Mom" and give them the information to search local options for her. Check with Medicare or Medicaid which ever she has and let them know where she stands. I realize that there are no really good options for their care but in some cases anything beats making yourself crazy.

Thanks Terry. The thing is, I am running into road blocks, with the system. In Fl, she was elgible for medicaid waiver programs, to supplement the cost difference for living and/or care. Now that I spent every dime I had, credit cards, and borrowed; to move us here to nc, where at that moment I had job. For two weeeks. Now the funding here is lower, and she is not elgible. She draws 72$ too much. Now we are here. Stuck. If I just put her on a plane or bus, like she expects,???I don't feel that is right either. So, it seems here I go again, with up-rooting it all, to get her to a place where she is elgible, and missing yet another job for me. She has no-one down there, in Fl,and I am all she has to have visits. I agree..I am not the one..but I am at a loss as to what to do in a matter of three days.

Stacy your quick fix is to get someone in while you are away at your new job. If they have experience they will be able to manage her - likely better than you can because they do not have the emotions. All you need do is make it clear not to be physical with her period. That is my only rule for my assistance with my mother.."Do not try to life her, push or pull her, no physical assistance more than offering her a hand to pull herself up if needed" as far as I am concerned they have to SAY what ever works for them to manage her. Check a local Baptist church for the ladies that are in place in case someone faints in church. They are usually strong will, seniors, retired, need more money, but maybe less than someone from a care provider service. Tomorrow is Sunday - get out and do it or look up some number and make some calls. Be proactive about managing your life, her life just happens to be apart of your life now. Never mind what she wants - she is not stable minded - you can not allow yourself to follow her instruction...imagine the condition you will be in if you do. I know that assistance is impossible for this disease. My mother brings in just to much to be assistance also. Where in Carolina are you - I may even know someone in the area that might need additional income. Please don't give up - if necessary maybe the job will extend your start date by a week or so to give you more time. If that is there you want to be don't let a few dollars assistance cause you to uproot again. e-mail me if you would like at terrysmith700@aol.com I will help you with research or what ever I can do.

My mom (75) seems to manage fine at her home, in spite of the fact she never learned to drive. Over 40 yrs. ago my (now late) father had to commit her to a psychiatric ward and although she seems functional, her attitudes often create problems between my brother, sister & I who live in the same metro area. She has financial resources, thanks to my father's good planning, but would never give a medical POA to any of us because she thinks nursing homes are totally unacceptable, even though a really nice retirement community could be a place she would enjoy since they provide transportation & trips. Her Dr. put her on Citrolapam which improved her moods, but she's still very demanding for rides to grocery shop. She bolts out of the car once we reach the store & is oblivious to her ride provider. I've had her paged numerous times on store PA (to which she never answers) & even made arrangements with Customer Service to call her a cab for a ride home if she turns up. When confronted about how rude it is of her to ignore our needs, she says its not her problem. Her side of the family has history of mental issues but then no one ever bothers to name the medical/mental condition. At this stage we still trust her to take care of her financial affairs, pay bills, get tax returns prepared, care for herself & her home, but I suspect this will become more difficult with time. Every "senior community" I've taken her to see, upon her insistence, is "unsatisfactory for her needs" as she says. I do believe that she'll fare better if she can remain in her home, but my siblings & I all have our own families to take care of. So far we've managed, but as her meanness about "her needs being met" increase, I'm concerned the guilt trip she lays on each of us will be unbearable. We want her to remain as independent as possible (although that is not the way she designed her life to be); however, it is unrealistic to think she will be able to do so in the long-term. She plays each of us off of eachother to get the result she wants, so my brother & sister & I keep in touch behind the scene to try & avoid her taking undue advantage of any one of us. She's very opinionated & says particularly ugly uncalled for things to my youngest sister who presently lives with her part-time after her divorce & job loss. I take her to Dr. appts. every six months, and would like to talk with him about what direction things may be going, but I know he has little time to do anything more than monitor her general health status (which is good for her age) and keep her Rx on point. We know she'd become verbally abusive if we tried to address anything like a major change so we have not been able to get her to discuss in a non-combative way plans for her future happiness & care as she ages. Should I ask her doctor to do a workup on her next visit to evaluate her mental state. They gave her a mini mental exam (MME) when she said she was worried about forgetfulness a yr. back, but the Dr. didn't indicate a problem. I started going in to the exam room with her & the Dr. about 3 yrs ago so I can keep tabs on what her medical issues are and what Rx she's on. Its scary & I'm fearful at this point already & know it is nothing compared to what the rest of you all have dealt or are dealing with now. My own anxieties & fears are getting the best of me at 50, so I'm seeing a Dr. about my insomnia, anxiety attax & dysthemia but not really getting any relief yet. Even as a teenager I'd always been one to walk away when she dishes our undeserved grief. Unfortunately this method may no longer work the best of all.

I found some helpful financial info on here. Vet's benefits, etc. Hope you can find something to help your situation. Call your local seniors center and ask if there is any help they're aware of.

http://www.caring.com/senior-finances

I feel for all of you. Experienced the same with my mother (recently passed away) and mother in law. It helps to know that others share my frustrations. Sometimes you just need to vent and spew some of the awfulness they fill you with.

You get to the point you just want to pull the plug (there is none) or leave them off on the side of the road.

This is my problem too. My Mom is 87, /she was very gentle and loving as a person. She has mild Alheizmeirs and dementia. My Dad passed a year ago at age 92. She cried very little. My oldest sister died 5 years ago, and my other sister age 62 is in a convelescent home. I am 56, with Fibromyalgia, diabetes, and never damage with arthritis. There are many days I can barely take care of me. I placed my Mom is a very, very nice Assistant Living facilty. I explained to her that I would rather have her home, but she is very demanding and I believe does not see me as a woman with health issues, but as her daughter, young daughter with no health issues. She understands why she is there, however there are days when she is rude, mean, tells me I can't cook, calls me names, then other days when she is very sweet and loving, Is this dementia? Alheizemers? It really hurts me and I find myself staying away, but feeling guilty. I love my Mom and miss her, but I never know what frame of mind she is going to me in, Anyone else going through a similar situation? How do I handle her on "bad" days......? Your response and input is greatly appreciated. It is good to know that these symptoms are part of their decline. It's not fair to you or your teenagers to have to go through this. I struggled. We were buying a home for 313k, then all of a sudden the value fell to 120k. We were in escrow, and cancelled and had to move. The Lord knew. I had no place to go, stayed with friends and had to place my Mom. It was the best thing I could have done. She is on a schedule, not demanding, just like I described above. I have guilt feelings sometimes but I talked to the workers there and she is fine. Stress makes my fibromyalgia worse...so, do what you need to do, for your sake and your family.

Elder Abuse - yes, I spoke with the Social Workers and they told me that it is a common concern for Adult Children of their parents to accuse them of Elder Abuse. This is because my Mom and other parents with demetia are paranoid. Love your parent, protect yourself. You cannot help them if your physical or mental health declines.......think of yourself and your husband, kids first. I know that this is very very difficult. I have walked in your shoes...............

Don't allow this. Pray. The bible says to Honor our parents and leave an inheritance for our children. Your first obligation is to yourself. You should seek a way for more freedom. I don't know if you have children, but Mother's have a way of making you feel guilty. I have 6 grown children, and 3 beautiful grand children. I told them if I get demanding, cranky, selfish to just shoot me and put me out of my misery.....smile. My Mom is 87, dementia and alheizmer's. I pushed and pushed and now at 56, I am ill from the stess. DO NOT ALLOW THIS. Love your parent, but love you more. Don't feel guilty....God Bless, hug!!!!

THIS WAS GOOD INFORMATION--IT HELP ME. THANKS FOR PRAYS AND HUGS- AND BACK AT YOU WITH HUGS AND PRAYS

Hugs and tears of understanding and of yearning to be able to do more in my tiny corner for my folks, too. with compassion and His Promise of daily Loving Strength/Strengthening Love so we all can be gently courageous and courageously gentle all the Way Home with our God-Given families. Jesus'n'val (Him and/in me)

AMEN

oh, dear sweet "galowa" (deers are so-o-o-o much dearer than "dears"!),

your response has really set loose the tears i usually keep so carefully locked aWay except for Jesus' and my morning noisey times (other Christians have quiet times - Jesus'n'me WE have noisey, bouncing on trampoline to Mexican music and singing as the clouds break for Son'sRising as well as tHIS tiny autistic lamb of His grazing on Scriptures to get beefed UP^ for the increasingly wearying daze); but i was still out here on my computer and fortunately/Blessedly alone at the moment, and your AMEN really got to me.

Someday i'll post more, and in fact, y'all can look me UP^ on the Happy Tales to You blog as "gollyboy" that i really need to get back to posting on, come to think of it! For now, just know your little four letter word: AMEN just Blessed the socks off me! (* that's Jesus'n'my fun sign-off: He's the Star in my eye and keeps me reMinded (tenderly taken TLC of!) that i DO belong right here no matter what my Dad says! enufF for now = Every Need Until Full-FILLED!)

Jesus'n'val AKA gollyboy...who is kinda gone now, just Deposited in a precious purrrrfect pocket in my heart, so i can be more feisty and joy-FILLED and leap higher in delight than ever...just like him)

Deer gollyboy,

Centuries ago a shepherd named Jesus Christ said "suffer the little children."

We are ALL like little children when we are suffering, or facing adversity, or shouldering more than we can bear... We are vulnerable, afraid, in need of comfort and reassurance that everything will be all right - that WE will be all right. And we find our comfort and our help in EACH OTHER, as each of us is one small part of this great mystery some call life, others call spirit.

Whatever we choose to call the mystery, the truth of it is that we humans are at our best when we care for one another, accept one another, support one another, and forgive one another. This is because these actions bring us to the understanding that "We ARE One."

This, in turn generates grace and joy for all of us. Which of course lifts us ALL up!

And yes, you too are a part of it... an indispensable part of it.

So, Welcome!

: )

(* thanX, galowa, so deer! (and AMEN to thee, too)

Oh, brother! I wish I had found this site back in the early 2000's when my husband was battling cancer (he's gone). Or, before I began my caregiving to my father (stroke - also gone). I'm sure my next caregiving experience will be with my mom.

It's great to see so much support here... Just being able to vent is very healing!

hi, SueD! so glad you've found "us" now! wanted to share a word-song of enCOURAGEment with thee (and all of you who come here for comfort and support). As i came back from saying a sad GOODbye and stumbled into my kitchen i noticed a slip of paper in a pretty-full basket of fresh fruits, where i'd written just a few days before: Let's just eat 'em up til they're all gone. The song that burst forth as i pondered these words was KIND of like tHIS:

Let's just eat 'em up til they're all gone. Let's just eat 'em up with love and tender loving care and kindness. Thru all our days, in all our ways, Yes, Jesus, 2gether Hand in hand, in every way we can Let's just eat 'em up^ with tender loving care until they're just no longer there. AMEN (as Galowa would say!)

i hope as each of us are facing more losses we will throw our whole Being into the privilege of care-sharing, remembering THEY have much to offer us, too! They can, if we offer ourselves, also become nourishing fruits for our spirits...as each of us may(it)be works at it less and PLAYS our part more, inbetween all the prACTical things we've "got" to get done. guess i'm the one who needs tHIS reminder most of all right now...sigh!

Be ye all very Blessed today! (Specially YOU, with hugs and prayers)Jesus'n'val

My mother has dementia. she passed out at a fast food place in Sept. She cracked her head and was taken by ambulance to the hospital where she was kept for several days. I have siblings, but I took her home with me and took FMLA from work. She is on Aricept, (I have to watch her carefully to make sure she doesn't give it to the dog). She has good and bad days. She can no longer drive and her house and car are now up for sale. Some days she cries and says she feels like she is a burden and in the way. She asks about her house over and over, but she can no longer take care of herself properly. It was hard watching her reaction to not driving any longer and moving in with my husband and me. She seems to like it, but at other times, says hateful things like she hates my husband and things like that. I try my best to let it roll off, but it is very hard. I help her bathe, dress, and try to keep her busy by giving her small chores to do, and taking her out. But, nothing satisfies her for long. She of course, repeats the same things over and over again and asks the same questions over and over again. My sister took her this weekend so I could get a break. Mom didn't want to go. But, should I make her go if she doesn't want to? She wants me to get someone to come here to sit with her when I have things to do. But my husband and I would like to have a weekend to ourselves once in a while. Am I being selfish. I have cried more the past couple months than I have in my entire life. I enjoy having her here, and caring for her, but I can't allow her to control my life. Anyone with any advice out there?

Dear Ruby, You are definitely not selfish. Since you are now the primary caregiver for your Mom it is very important that you find respite for yourself and your husband. Is there any chance your siblings could, on occasion, come and stay the weekend at your house and you and your husband could get away? Your mom might be reluctant to go to her other daughter's house because she is now more familiar in her new surroundings. My Dad is now in the middle with one step in the late phases of Alzheimer's. I am learning so much about this disease, and one thing I know for sure is that caregivers need support too. It really is a family disease. Also, consider going to a support group (call your local Alzheimer's Chapter) to find a good one. In addition, if your mom is not in a gerontology practice consider finding one. One of the best things I did was place my father in a gerontology practice where there was plenty of expertise to help manage his care. Have you read the "36 Hour Day" to help prepare you for things to come? All the best to you!

My GP recommended that book to me just the other day. I explained to her that I was under tremendous stress, and she thought the book would help. I really don't think my siblings would stay here for the weekend. We would just like to be home alone by ourselves for at least a weekend. She blows hot and cold, as we know people with dementia do. I am planning to call my local help chapter to get some ideas on how to cope. thank you so much for your response.

OMG.. I can not believe how your stories/lives echo mine. I'm Jeanine and I read this thread and I just started crying uncontrollably. I'm not alone! You are not alone!

I too have to sleep at night with a clear conscious... my mom was abusive to me growing up, but I'm all she has now. Depression is drowning me as well. (((huggs))) to all of us who do the job, because it's all we can do.

We have little choices. My mom is bed bound...refuses to try and use the walker (she broke her femur in March 2009) She refuses to keep her mind active and just wants to lay in bed. She has a nephrostomy bag and lately she has been emptying it onto the floor. She wipes her self after tinkling and puts it in her bed...or worse...wipes her face with the used toilet paper. She's doing all these strange things. I'm exhausted trying to deal with it all. On top of that I work full time and luckily my husband has been home as he was laid off. But now he has to go back to work so we can pay the bills and I don't know what I'm going to do. I've recieved no help or advice that has actually panned out. It's all up to me and me alone. Her finances, her appointments, her bed wetting, feeding, bathing, meals, laundry. My life is null. My life is empty of joy. The system is diseased. It's a horrible part of life and everyone puts their head in the sand. The health care system is a crime.

I completely sympathize with all of you... the two minute visits on how kind and sweet my mom is...they have NO clue what it is to care for someone. No idea that she will use the toilet paper she just wiped her butt with to clean her dentures...so sweet and cute for sure. In the 18+ months that my mom has been living with me, only once has her son come to visit....and they came over expecting dinner. Why would they not bring dinner? No one has really helped with anyting..at all. One time some friends brought us lunch. This job is 24/7. One meal is nice, but it's only one.

I know I have not been here on the forum, and I would probably fare better emotionally, but I'm so exhausted and I feel so helpless and worthless...it's like all gloom and doom. My friends don't even call me anymore as I have such horror stories.

(btw..Mom diagnosed with stomach cancer April 2008. She was independant up to that point. She broke her left arm in May 2008, couldn't get the surgery to fix the arm due to cancer. The cancer was unoperable as it had metastized to the lungs. She finsihed up chemo therapy in Jan 09. Fell in March and completely shattered her femur. The rehab facility was horrible but was the only place that would take her with her insurance...she opted out of medicare for Bravo...my mom was not doing well there at all..she fell and had a UTI..horrible care...Bravo would no longer cover her to be there so I had to take her after a couple of weeks...mom refused to work on walking, but in her defense her cancer was coming back. They found a tumor on her uretor...got a nephrostomy bag..and is now getting cyberknife...he mental facilities have dramatically declined...my husband has been unemployed since Nov 08...we are facing bankruptcy...my mom's home is in disrepair and unsellable. She has no savings and little income, barely enough to pay for the meds and copays. We are paying for much of her expenses. My husband and I are beaten down on every level...I work full time, but with my mom's dementia, I'm not sure she should be alone.)

Thanks for reading.

Hi Jeanine,

Welcome to what I sometimes think of as "THE DEAD ZONE."
(not funny, but what we think is what we think... just can't help it.)

First, please cry as much as you need to - we all do. I think it helps to cleanse the soul and does wash away some of the anger as well. It's such a healthy release for me - especially when I am able to really let loose and wail -out loud- like a child desperate for comfort. The car is a great place - it's good for me to do it ON THE WAY HOME from wherever, SO I don't have to worry about how I look afterward.

Because your mother 1) has so many things wrong with her, 2) is in such discomfort, 3) has such a poor prognosis, and 4) has clearly GIVEN UP, I cannot believe that your mother is not in HOSPICE!! It clearly sounds as if she is dying. She is functioning at such a low level, especially for someone who is not really demented, and she clearly despises her existence. (And who wouldn't under her circumstances?)

HOSPICE really sounds like what she needs at this point. In fact, knowing she was FINALLY facing the end of her ordeal might be just what she needs to hold up her head and re-humanize herself. Good heavens, talk about a loss of dignity!

Sounds like YOU need HOSPICE too! The complexity and extent of her care requirements call out for a team of skilled nurses and aides, and a doctor's supervision. I do not know what BRAVO is, but it is absolutely unconscionable for them to have cut her loose under her circumstances.

I am sure many people in the community will respond to your post with all sorts of really GOOD recommendations, and you should check out as many as you need to in order to find help. But, for starters, I would urge you to pursue (many ways to approach this) the possible course of having her HOSPITALIZED for a geriatric psychiatric evaluation based on her behaviour with her urine, feces and associated equipment. I think any geri-psych evaluation would recognize her anguish and recommend hospice as an option.

And how ANYONE could reasonably expect her to go home in her condition is beyond me.

TRULY, I am flabbergasted...

Galowa-We have looked into hospice, and while under current treatment for the cancer, they won't cover hospice. Once the treatment is over, that is what I have to do. I don't know what has caused the sudden rapid decline in mental ability. I gave her a thermometer just now to take her temperature...like I do everyday, and she didn't know what to do with it. That is such a basic thing, just put it under the tongue...she had no clue. I was flabbergasted as well, but what could I do...she has been set up with a hospital bed in my kitchen since March. They really were ready to send her home by herself. It's a crime.

Thanks for being here and reading. (((huggs)))

Sounds like you are more on top of things than your initial post made it sound. That's good. What is also good is that the mental decline is NEW!

IF JUST NOW you put the thermometer in her hand AS YOU DO EVERY DAY and she DID NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH IT that is a SERIOUS symptom. (Just imagine how you would react if your husband did that, or if he suddenly did not know how to use a cup or spoon!)

If it was your husband, instead of your mother, you would call 911 immediately. (After all, if it was your husband, it could mean a mini-stroke, or an aneurysm, or poisoning/ bad reaction from the chemo... etc. etc.) Why wouldn't you do the same for your mother?

Like - RIGHT NOW?

SOMETHING is causing this, and THEY NEED to figure out what it is, since after all, it just MIGHT BE the cancer treatments, which would mean discontinuing the cancer treatments, which would mean...

Do you get my drift? (Do they actualLy expect her to recover from the cancer and begin a career as a professional tennis player or Wall Street trader?)

You'd do it for anyone else.

AND

"it actually MAY have started after her most recent cancer treatments,"

BUT

"YOU ONLY REALLY NOTICED IT FOR THE FIRST TIME TODAY AND ARE REALLY WORRIED."

(after all, you do EVERYTHING for her, and if anyone were to notice a difference, it would be you.)

Good luck!

Ruby,

I have stopped taking my mother out because some days I would get both of us ready to go and then her mood would change and she would refuse to put on her shoes. I have canceled a few plans because of her.

However, my sister took her for my birthday weekend recently and I had decided that if she refused to go with my sister I would have done almost anything to get her there. I did not have to - but I would suggest that your sister get her out of the house for a shopping trip or some other reason she may enjoy and just take her home from there. She can manage her in any number of ways once she has her at home. This will also help your sister understand what your days are like, everyday.

Taking a trip while others care for her in your home is not always an option financially. But you and your husband should have some regularly scheduled time together without the stress. Mental health days...!

Many caregivers forget that their loved ones are not able to make choices for themselves, that is why we are necessary as caregivers...so then WHY should I let this person (who can not control her own life)control my life. That's not going to happen in my house. I hope you understand what I am saying and apply it as you see fit to your own life.

Jeanine,

I don't know what state you are in but in Maryland...there are no abandonment laws and the Office on Aging advised me that if my mother has to be hospitalized for three days or more and requires rehabilitation... medicare will pay for a limited time and after that she can apply for medicaid to cover her extended stay. They require that the patients income and assets be turned over to the facility and the state will cover the balance of the expenses.

The abandonment law applies - like in your case when they where going to send your mother home - with her being in your care what you would have to do was say that you could not provide the care she requires and prevent them from releasing her to you by not signing her out. That is considered an abandonment... They will help her apply for the medicaid to cover her expenses. She sounds like she would qualify for the medicaid based on her income. You may have to sell the property at a discounted empty lot rate to get rid of it.

Do you or others have a Power of Attorney for her? It may be to late to get one now...she has to be able (in sound mind) to sign it. You should check on that also.